I’m having trouble accepting what is happening with my Dad at the moment – it is a terrible situation. For those of you that don’t know, my Dad has hydrocephalus and really, he is now a completely different person than he used to be. Growing up, my Dad was one of the most motivated and fit people that I knew – he worked hard (as a toolmaker in his own business in the garage out back of the house), he was smart, he ran marathons, he was extremely social and has a huge circle of friends.
It is really hard to recognize him these days. He doesn’t get out of bed until midday, he just had a knee operation but refuses to do any of the rehab, he isolates himself as much as possible. He is aggressive and angry, he doesn’t remember anything – my poor Mum, I don’t know how she is doing it at the moment. I got to the fresh food market every Saturday morning with my Mum and sisters. My sister brought all of her 3 boys along today and the two oldest came in the car with us on the way home. We were talking about how Dad used to be and neither of them can remember.
It made me so sad to think about my own child (that hopefully is coming soon!) and how they will never have a chance to know my Dad how he was. It has been a rough couple of days because a nurse was talking to my Mum about putting his name down at a nursing home – my god, he is sixty freaking six for crying out loud – it is way, way too soon for that but because of the hydrocephalus he is very unstable and falls quite often and my poor mum (who has arthritis in her hands) has worlds of trouble getting him up.
In truth, I have been avoiding him. It makes me so mad because it seems like he has given up living and I want to yell and scream at him – which is why I have been avoiding him because I am scared I will yell at my sick Dad. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about him at the moment.
In other news, I have been reading many blogs because of ICLW (love that time of the month!) and I have found a few people who are feeling emotionally cut off from the cycles that they are doing. I have to admit – I feel quite the same about Thailand. I realized that all I have been concentrating on the actual logistics of the trip but not really considering too much the cycle itself. I am okay with that – I am a pretty obsessive person so the less I think about the cycle at this point, the better I believe!!
It is really hard to recognize him these days. He doesn’t get out of bed until midday, he just had a knee operation but refuses to do any of the rehab, he isolates himself as much as possible. He is aggressive and angry, he doesn’t remember anything – my poor Mum, I don’t know how she is doing it at the moment. I got to the fresh food market every Saturday morning with my Mum and sisters. My sister brought all of her 3 boys along today and the two oldest came in the car with us on the way home. We were talking about how Dad used to be and neither of them can remember.
It made me so sad to think about my own child (that hopefully is coming soon!) and how they will never have a chance to know my Dad how he was. It has been a rough couple of days because a nurse was talking to my Mum about putting his name down at a nursing home – my god, he is sixty freaking six for crying out loud – it is way, way too soon for that but because of the hydrocephalus he is very unstable and falls quite often and my poor mum (who has arthritis in her hands) has worlds of trouble getting him up.
In truth, I have been avoiding him. It makes me so mad because it seems like he has given up living and I want to yell and scream at him – which is why I have been avoiding him because I am scared I will yell at my sick Dad. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about him at the moment.
In other news, I have been reading many blogs because of ICLW (love that time of the month!) and I have found a few people who are feeling emotionally cut off from the cycles that they are doing. I have to admit – I feel quite the same about Thailand. I realized that all I have been concentrating on the actual logistics of the trip but not really considering too much the cycle itself. I am okay with that – I am a pretty obsessive person so the less I think about the cycle at this point, the better I believe!!
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Very sorry about your dad. What a crappy situation. I can kind of relate - my grandfather died a year ago next month and my grandmother's health deteriorated very quickly after that. In the months following, phone calls with her were very hard. She would say life was horrible and that she was ready to die, etc. I cried every time I got off the phone with her. I avoided talking to her at all and I felt guilty because of it.
ReplyDeleteHow long has your dad been like this? Is there any way to get him to talk to a counselor? Obviously I'm not aware of the details of his situation so this may not be an option. It's so very depressing when people we care about give up on life :( *hug*
On a different note - thanks for the encouragement on my blog! I will think of you whenever I get out there. If you can do a 10k (good luck!) I can do my silly little 2 miles! hehe
I'm sorry to hear about your dad - I'll be thinking of you, him, and your family.
ReplyDeleteWhen I did my IVF cycle I didn't feel involved in it, at least not emotionally, until midway through. Then I started getting more emotionally invested a tiny bit at a time starting about midway through until at the end I felt more "normally" emotional about it. As if there is such a thing. :)
You are so right in your comment you left me - it is always good to find another UU person!
Thanks for commenting on my blog:)Right back at you!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your dad. There are no words except it isn't fair and don't be too hard on yourself.
It is so easy to be mad at the person rather than the illness and also some people deal with illness so much better than others. Which makes it easy to be mad at them.
I don't know what I would advise except try try try to get something out of any quality time you might have with him - assuming that there is some at all.
Both my parents ( previously healthy) got sick "young" - my mom at about 58 and my dad at around 65. My dad quickly got worse and died at age 72 - in 2008. My mom is in a nursing home in england ( that's where I am from). I feel detached from her and felt like that about both of them living in the states. I was able to connect with them somewhat - esp my dad - when I went home. But it was hard. My mom is unrecognizable too - well almost. It is so sad.
I know people always tell you about their pain when you are going through your own so this probably is not helping at all.
I look at it as not an age thing, but a sickness / disability thing. I always say - my parents are / were young but they both got sick. Somehow that helped me to not blame them for being young and infirm.
Anyway I am rambling.
I hope you are able to find some peace in your relationship with your dad.
take care:)
TGAL
Hi Honey Bunch!
ReplyDeleteClearly there are no simple answers about your father. I hope there can perhaps be some comfort for you in having reasons for the changes to him, and that it is a disease that has caused this. He did not chose to change....and maybe somewhere under the symptoms is that same man who may find some joy in your hoped for child....
You have a lot going on. Naturally you at the moment will feel detached from future events in Thailand. For now you can busy yourself with the logisitics in preparation - the rest of the emotional side will come later....there is time for that....
LS x
Hi there, thanks for visiting my blog. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Your post about why you chose to go to Thailand for donor eggs was really interesting. I will be checking in to see how that goes. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry you're having to deal with this stuff.
ReplyDelete