It is really hard to recognize him these days. He doesn’t get out of bed until midday, he just had a knee operation but refuses to do any of the rehab, he isolates himself as much as possible. He is aggressive and angry, he doesn’t remember anything – my poor Mum, I don’t know how she is doing it at the moment. I got to the fresh food market every Saturday morning with my Mum and sisters. My sister brought all of her 3 boys along today and the two oldest came in the car with us on the way home. We were talking about how Dad used to be and neither of them can remember.
It made me so sad to think about my own child (that hopefully is coming soon!) and how they will never have a chance to know my Dad how he was. It has been a rough couple of days because a nurse was talking to my Mum about putting his name down at a nursing home – my god, he is sixty freaking six for crying out loud – it is way, way too soon for that but because of the hydrocephalus he is very unstable and falls quite often and my poor mum (who has arthritis in her hands) has worlds of trouble getting him up.
In truth, I have been avoiding him. It makes me so mad because it seems like he has given up living and I want to yell and scream at him – which is why I have been avoiding him because I am scared I will yell at my sick Dad. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about him at the moment.
In other news, I have been reading many blogs because of ICLW (love that time of the month!) and I have found a few people who are feeling emotionally cut off from the cycles that they are doing. I have to admit – I feel quite the same about Thailand. I realized that all I have been concentrating on the actual logistics of the trip but not really considering too much the cycle itself. I am okay with that – I am a pretty obsessive person so the less I think about the cycle at this point, the better I believe!!