JourneyMan’s sister is pregnant, she rang and told him today. They have been ‘trying’ for 2 months. I know I’m a monster for feeling as I do but I am in a downward spiral – I feel so angry, so sad and very, very ‘poor me’.
Every friend that I seem to confide in, really open up my heart to then seems to get pregnant within a couple of months of deciding that they want to have children. Each time that it happens, I feel like a confidant has been taken away from me and somewhat betrayed (I know I am a nutbag in my own defense). First there was the friend (No 1) who got married four weeks after JourneyMan and I, they started ‘trying’ at the same time as us, though it did take her 6 months to get pregnant (she cried every time she got her period) her daughter is now one. I am sure number 2 won’t be far off. Then there is the friend who I drove with to friend number 1’s baby shower. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got the whole story because I cried all the way to the baby shower and then all the way home. She has just had baby No 2 (both of her children conceived in the first month that her and her husband tried).
Then there is friend number 3 who I confided in when I was going to the gym with her to help her get in shape for her wedding. She got pregnant on her honeymoon. Then there is JourneyMan’s sister, who I confided in because we always got along so well. Now, of course, she is pregnant and I have to say, this one probably hurts more than all of the others. Firstly, because there are no children on JourneyMan’s side of the family and in my twisted little mind, I thought our child would be the first one and would therefore be special. On my side of the family, there are already 5 grandchildren so ours would just be one of the pack. Of course, if we ever actually have a baby, they will be special – they will be the most special and precious child in the world, to us.
The second fear is that I am becoming more and more isolated. I rarely talk to any of those friends about the IF journey anymore. I rarely talk to my mum and younger sister after they told me that I was becoming bitter and twisted (Mum) and that I needed to get over it and stop letting it run my life (younger sister). My main confidant is my bestie (she has never particularly wanted kids but she is very, very understanding and a top listener) though I also don’t want to spew all this negativity over her – unfortunately, that leaves all of you lovely ladies in the blogosphere who are so wonderfully supportive – I don’t know what I would have done without this blog!! Maybe I should start offering a service to people that are wanting to become pregnant – ‘Let me confide in you about my horrible IF journey and you will be pregnant within two months, guaranteed’ – I might even make enough money to go for the surrogacy option if the cycle in Thailand does not work out.
I guess that what this has really brought to my mind is that I am afraid that people won’t accept the child as really ours because he / she will be half Thai. It only started as a niggle to me when I was talking to the mother in law a while ago. She had said that JourneyMan and started to tell her about the Thai donor in front of JourneyMan’s Nanna and she stopped him because ‘she wouldn’t understand’. Which made me a bit nervous at the time about my MIL’s own acceptance of the situation. However, I comforted myself that the child would be the first grandchild so it would be hard for her not to be excited and love him / her. That has changed now though.
The independent, rebellious part of me thinks ‘who gives a fat rat’s clacker about what anyone else thinks of our child being half Thai’ but the more rational part of me thinks ‘but I want my child to have grandparents and aunts and uncle’s that love and spoil them’. I have no such worries about my own side of the family – my mum loves babies, ANY babies and my sisters and brother are all very supportive of our situation (my Mum is continually buying Tattslotto tickets for her and I saying that she will buy herself a grandchild if she wins!!). I guess I just don’t know JourneyMan’s people as well as my own.
Then there is the fear about Thailand that it is not going to work. I mean, if the cycle in Thailand works and I am pregnant then the SIL and I will be pregnant together and that would be fun and it would bring our families closer together. However, if Thailand doesn’t work, I will be devastated – I know that I won’t even want to see the SIL and yet I will have to go to more baby showers etc. I have tried so much to not think about this possibility – I need to get back to thinking about the logistics. Problem is, I have booked all the flights, accommodation and insurance. I have all of my prescriptions of all of the drugs filled. Our passports are being processed as we speak and pretty much, everything has been organized. Frick. I am going to have to keep busy this week going to the gym and working.