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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Even sadder (Caution: Great Whinging Ahead)

Oh gosh – I am very sorry to those ICLW people who are visiting for the first time but I need to have a big, big whinge. Firstly, a quick thank you to Jill, Suraita, Tireegal, Lifeslurper and Guera for your lovely comments about what is happening to my Dad – it was very comforting to hear from your all, thanks a bunch.

JourneyMan’s sister is pregnant, she rang and told him today. They have been ‘trying’ for 2 months. I know I’m a monster for feeling as I do but I am in a downward spiral – I feel so angry, so sad and very, very ‘poor me’.

Every friend that I seem to confide in, really open up my heart to then seems to get pregnant within a couple of months of deciding that they want to have children. Each time that it happens, I feel like a confidant has been taken away from me and somewhat betrayed (I know I am a nutbag in my own defense). First there was the friend (No 1) who got married four weeks after JourneyMan and I, they started ‘trying’ at the same time as us, though it did take her 6 months to get pregnant (she cried every time she got her period) her daughter is now one. I am sure number 2 won’t be far off. Then there is the friend who I drove with to friend number 1’s baby shower. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got the whole story because I cried all the way to the baby shower and then all the way home. She has just had baby No 2 (both of her children conceived in the first month that her and her husband tried).

Then there is friend number 3 who I confided in when I was going to the gym with her to help her get in shape for her wedding. She got pregnant on her honeymoon. Then there is JourneyMan’s sister, who I confided in because we always got along so well. Now, of course, she is pregnant and I have to say, this one probably hurts more than all of the others. Firstly, because there are no children on JourneyMan’s side of the family and in my twisted little mind, I thought our child would be the first one and would therefore be special. On my side of the family, there are already 5 grandchildren so ours would just be one of the pack. Of course, if we ever actually have a baby, they will be special – they will be the most special and precious child in the world, to us.

The second fear is that I am becoming more and more isolated. I rarely talk to any of those friends about the IF journey anymore. I rarely talk to my mum and younger sister after they told me that I was becoming bitter and twisted (Mum) and that I needed to get over it and stop letting it run my life (younger sister). My main confidant is my bestie (she has never particularly wanted kids but she is very, very understanding and a top listener) though I also don’t want to spew all this negativity over her – unfortunately, that leaves all of you lovely ladies in the blogosphere who are so wonderfully supportive – I don’t know what I would have done without this blog!! Maybe I should start offering a service to people that are wanting to become pregnant – ‘Let me confide in you about my horrible IF journey and you will be pregnant within two months, guaranteed’ – I might even make enough money to go for the surrogacy option if the cycle in Thailand does not work out.

I guess that what this has really brought to my mind is that I am afraid that people won’t accept the child as really ours because he / she will be half Thai. It only started as a niggle to me when I was talking to the mother in law a while ago. She had said that JourneyMan and started to tell her about the Thai donor in front of JourneyMan’s Nanna and she stopped him because ‘she wouldn’t understand’. Which made me a bit nervous at the time about my MIL’s own acceptance of the situation. However, I comforted myself that the child would be the first grandchild so it would be hard for her not to be excited and love him / her. That has changed now though.

The independent, rebellious part of me thinks ‘who gives a fat rat’s clacker about what anyone else thinks of our child being half Thai’ but the more rational part of me thinks ‘but I want my child to have grandparents and aunts and uncle’s that love and spoil them’. I have no such worries about my own side of the family – my mum loves babies, ANY babies and my sisters and brother are all very supportive of our situation (my Mum is continually buying Tattslotto tickets for her and I saying that she will buy herself a grandchild if she wins!!). I guess I just don’t know JourneyMan’s people as well as my own.

Then there is the fear about Thailand that it is not going to work. I mean, if the cycle in Thailand works and I am pregnant then the SIL and I will be pregnant together and that would be fun and it would bring our families closer together. However, if Thailand doesn’t work, I will be devastated – I know that I won’t even want to see the SIL and yet I will have to go to more baby showers etc. I have tried so much to not think about this possibility – I need to get back to thinking about the logistics. Problem is, I have booked all the flights, accommodation and insurance. I have all of my prescriptions of all of the drugs filled. Our passports are being processed as we speak and pretty much, everything has been organized. Frick. I am going to have to keep busy this week going to the gym and working.


  1. Ugh :( I haven't had this happen yet (all my syblings and cousins are younger than me) but I'm sooooo not looking forward to it. I can imagine how you feel though - I am so bitter and angry at pregnant people.


  2. My heart is completely with you. That would be a pretty devastating blow to any infertile, especially with the nearness of the relationship. I honestly think your husband's family will love your baby every bit as much as they would have had it not been conceived through an egg donor. I mean, it will be your husband's sperm, so it is biologically his.

    I serioiusly hope and pray this cycle works for you guys. I will be here with and for you every step of the way either way. As long as you let me.


  3. To me that doesn't sound like whining - that's stuff that's all hard to deal with and harder when you feel like the people you want to talk to about it are all crossing over.

    I have a close friend (we met when we were five) and when we were first seeing an RE I confided in a lot to her. For the most part she was very supportive but then she kind of got into pointing out that her first was an "accident" and so I should feel better because she was proof anything can happen. I like to think I'm smart but I was so stunned I couldn't figure out how to explain that dealing with infertility and getting pregnant when you didn't mean to but aren't trying not to are two really, really different things. A week or so after that she let me know she was pregnant with her second who was a bit more planned, but oh, they'd been so impatient because it took three months after she came off the pill.

    Which I bring up not to try and compare which stories are worse or anything (that would be kind of like what my friend did, maybe, and even if not very silly) but just to say I feel you on the suckiness of trying to confide in people and not getting supportive stuff back from them.

    I am also sending you many positive Thailand cycle thoughts!

  4. Anyone who has an issue with the origins of your baby can just stuff off. You and your husband have made a decision together and everyone needs to respect that decision. I always say that once anyone has walked a mile in my shoes, then they can judge what decisions we have made.

    I dont confide in anyone, except my husband and the cyber world, no-one else understands so I dont even bother.

    Take care of yourself, Im so routing for your Thai cycle!

  5. It's tough isn't it? Try getting to my age & finding out that cousins & school friends are /grandparents/ already!

    We're here for you though - complain away!

    Good luck in Thailand!

  6. "Half Thai?"...biologically maybe...but still half yours/half Journeyman's and most importantly WHOLLY loved!

    Don't worry about Grandma & Ma in Law Journeyman - remember how difficult IVF/if is for fertile people of your own age to contemplate then times that by a kazillion for generations which preceeded ART.

    When Bubs arrives, it won't matter to anyone how he/she got here...

    LSx aka Madam Whiplash

  7. Goodness, you're not a monster! The way you're feeling sounds pretty damn normal (for an IFfer) to me, I've certainly been there many times, and still go there.

  8. "who gives a fat rat’s clacker about what anyone else thinks of our child being half Thai" - I just love that expression! It is so evocative!
    I often find that reading blogs by Australian writers ( and being British) some of the expressions are similar and they are all definitely as colorful. I don't know how you feel about English people and I know that we are technically not related or anything, but that's me complementing your idioms and saying I do that too!
    I say moan away about those other pregnant girls - I am all in favor of it. All of my married ( and a little younger) friends have had no problem getting pregnant ( thankfully that is only three people!!!) so I know what it feels like too but fortunately I have barely any fertile relations or relations at all to get under my skin.
    We're here for you to complain as much as you like, and we'll come back for more because we have been there, got the t-shirt, seen the movie and have the action figure too!
    Take care and don't let the bastards get you down!
    Oh and I just found another Australian blogger who is thinking of DE and I told her that there was another like minded gal on ICLW. Now I can't remember who it was:(
    Neither me or my partner are going to be biologically related to our child ( donor egg and sperm) -something that did not even OCCUR to me!!!! until our lawyer mentioned it to us!!!!. But I know I will carry our baby, we will love it to bits and it's probably not going to look a bit like us but I think we can get through it just fine. you will too and your baby is going to be so loved. I hope when the baby does arrive that you get spoiled rotten and feted by your whole family!!!

  9. I am so sorry you're going through so much right now. I know what you mean about everyone else getting pregnant except for you. It's so unbelievably frustrating and upsetting. My sister got pregnant accidentally last year and ended up having the first grandchild ... I was so jealous. But your baby will be so special, too, because he/she was fought for with everything you have.

    Thinking of you.


  10. Ugh... I just wrote a long, thoughtful comment, and for some reason it didn't post!!!

    You never have to justify your feelings, and what you are describing is pretty normal for all of us who have traveled this long road. I am sending prayers and good thoughts that this cycle WILL work and that the next few weeks just fly by!


  11. My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to have people all around you get knocked up if they get looked at wrong! lol I even have trouble when my fellow IFers get a BFP, sometimes (depending on where I am in my cycle). I tend to get a "we've been trying longer! why can't it be first come, first serve?!" complex going!

    I pray that the Thailand cycle will result in a great BFP and you and your SIL will be able to enjoy being preggo together!

    Happy ICLW!

  12. I am also in the Melbourne area. The 2 big clinics were awful.

    We are also using a donor egg cycle but going to South Africa.The IVF is about the same cost as here (a little bit less) but of course no rebate.
    They do a lot of UK/US style pre cycle testing for implantation failure diagnostics. They then treat you before you take the donoe egg embryo transfer.
    They are THE WORST in the world about that here.It was after 3 failed cycles that I insisted on the testing as I was a poster case of one thing.It was the main cause of the failures. It has been a few years now and I am too nervous to use my own eggs.
    My best hopes for your Thai success are yours.

    Maybe things will change here with donor material/testing someday.In the meantime,it hurts me to hear another woman is going through what I did.It makes me happy and gives me hope that you have moved to this very good positive next step.