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Thursday, June 24, 2010


I have been a bad, bad blogger. Time seems to be slipping away without me even knowing it and the crazy part of it is, I have badly needed to blog to get some of the emotional turmoil from me but just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it.

Firstly, let me just update you on where everything is at with the various areas of our lives.

JourneyBabyBoy - is going very, very well. He is growing gangbusters though I only know from the feel of him because the weekly scans are over and done. Last Friday felt a bit weird cos I didn't have to get up and go to see my little man. He is moving around quite alot and I have heard of some pregnant ladies complaining that their little one keeps them up at night with movement, I love each and every move as it provides me with assurance that he is all well and good. That being said, it is getting harder and harder to sleep so I do understand where these mums-to-be are coming from but for me, if I have to be woken at night, that is a reason that I am happy with (an example of a reason why I have trouble sleeping at night is that JM and I watched Paranormal on pay TV the other week and I woke up in fear a few times the night after - der, I mean how dumb can I be?!?!). Anyway, the upshot is that JBB is going well and my stomach seems to be doubling in size on a weekly basis which is great!! I have an appointment with the OB on Monday (I am on appointments every 3 weeks at the moment) and so I am hoping to continue on in the good books! Oh and I forgot - my second gestational diabetes test came up negative - whoo hooo!

At home the renovations continue apace and the laundry is done (waiting for it to dry and the kitchen is almost done, we just have the painting and floors left to go and I am hoping that the much longed for dishwasher is installed by the time I get home tonight. We have the electrician coming tomorrow to finish off the electrical work and over the weekend we need to move all of the house into the kitchen, bathroom, garage and laundry so that we can get the floorboards polished and we are going to be living with my Mum and Dad for at least a week. I am not really looking forward to this because I just have had a run in with my Dad today because of his agressive shouting at my Mum, he was being extremely bullying and blaming her for his situation and even though I know that the sickness contributes to this, I cannot have him bullying my Mum in my presence - it's not on. After they left for awhile, I was so shaken that I cried for awhile. Anyway, moving in with them for a week is not going to be really fun - I am pretty much dreading it but we don't have anywhere else to go.

So, onto my emotions - as you can see from the above - the rollercoaster continues. I am finding everything extremely overwhelming at the moment and am finding that the smallest thing will cause me to overreact hugely. The main way that I deal with emotionality is to remove myself from people as I am extremely afraid of yelling at the them, saying something that I regret, reacting to something that they said or crying in front of them. It makes me very happy that I have a flexible work environment and can work from home alot of the time so that I can avoid being in situations where I will get emotional around people. The trouble is that for the past few weeks I have had people in the house pretty much the whole time so I have not had an escape and things have happened - especially today. I had the run in with my Dad but also had a run in with one of my bosses - I apologised for it but am very unimpressed with my behaviour. I feel like I am drowning in emotions!

The other reason that I am feeling overwhelmed is that JM and I went to a Post Natal, Early Childhood class on Monday night and honestly, they must have packed 8 hours worth of information into the 3 1/2 hour class - my head was absolutely spinning. This class really brought out the fear in me - What if I can't cope? What if I have waiting all this time and gone through all of these things and am a terrible mother? What if I wreck this little JBB's life? Honestly, I guess it is not just about being overwhelmed and hormones but it is just straight out and out fear. Hopefully I will get myself together soon.

I will try to update again in the next couple days but with having to pack and move practically the whole house, I think it will be after the OB's appointment on Monday. I will also endeavour to catch up on where you are all at - I haven't had a chance to read any blogs - hope you are all going well!!


  1. Nice to hear you're doing well even with being overwhelmed! Sending some big hugs your way!

  2. I think almost every first time mum has those same fears. Just today I told my husband that as thrilled as I am to be pregnant, sometimes I wonder "What the hell are we doing? How on earth are we going to cope?". But even though it will be difficult at times, you WILL cope, and you WILL be a good mother. No one who loves their JBB as much as you do could be a terrible parent. There will be mistakes, just like in every aspect of life, but that's ok. You already are a good mother... think about all the changes you guys are undergoing to make your world ready for your little guy. Be proud!

  3. Congrats on the negative GD test!

    I hope the week living with your parents goes a lot better than you expect.

    I sometimes get scared about future mothering too – obviously for you it’s a lot more real and impending – but I kind of understand. I think that I’ve been wanting this for so long, what if I suck as a mother or what if it’s actually so stressful I can’t cope, etc. But those are just irrational feelings and worry. Your whole point of view will change when JBB is born and you’ll handle it and it will be hard but wonderful :)

  4. I am glad that everything is going so well with JBB. I honestly can't believe you are 30 weeks already. Holy cow, where did the time go? Hooray for passing the GD test too!

    Hooray for the house almost being done too! I hope your dishwasher was installed when you got home. I also hope yours works better than mine. ;) I am still so envious that your getting a new kitchen.

    Sorry to hear about your dad. I can only imagine how heartwrenching it has got to be to see your dad reduced to his condition. It is so very hard to watch our parents age, and to watch disease and illness take over the people we know and love. I know first hand. My heart breaks for you in this situation.

    As for being a good mother, you will be one of the best. Your feelings of fear are completely normal. The good news is, once this baby gets here you won't have time to worry about being a bad mother, and by the time you do, being a mother will be second nature. In other words, the only time you really worry about being a bad mother is when you're pregnant. At least that has been my experience so far.

    Hang in there sweetie. Your house is almost all done, and that alone will provide you with some much needed stress relief.


  5. Yeah for second test being negative, I get to start these fun tests in a few weeks here, can't wait. I'm so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, but once you settle in your new diggs I bet you'll feel much better. Hang in there girl and good to hear from you. xoxo