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Sunday, May 2, 2010

What IF?

Project IF is a joint project between the fabulous Mel of the Stirrup Queens and Resolve to create awareness for Infertility. You can find out more about Project IF here. If you have a chance, read through the live and growing list of 'What IF's' from bloggers here - it is extremely moving. Here is a link to Keiko Zoll's video - I watched it with JourneyMan yesterday and my heart hurt with the plain truth of this video. I read your blog stories every day and I am constantly moved by the unfairness that some people's journey takes but am also blown away by the courage that you women show - you are all amazing in my book.

So here is my What IF submission:

What IF a part of me still grieves for the golden hair genetic child that should have been mine?

What IF the walls that I built around myself on my IF journey never come down again?

What IF I can't forgive my friends and family for telling me that I just need to get over it?

What IF my unicornuate uterus cannot sustain this pregnancy to term?

What IF my son cannot forgive me for seeking an anonymous donor?

What IF I had given up without trying every avenue to have a child of my own?

What IF I am not a good mother?

What IF I forget the journey and take for granted my hard fought family?

What IF our families treat our son differently because he is not genetically mine?

The IF journey is a hard one. I don't think it matters if you have been trying for 6 months or 6 years, the What IF questions that we ask ourselves are generally the same. They unite us despite where we live geographically or our life circumstances.

Our journey has been a tough one. I have had 2 laparoscopies to clean out endo and diagnose my unicornuate uterus. I was born with only one kidney and I have a blood clotting disorder. My husband has had a vasectomy and a vasectomy reversal that was not completely successful. We had 5 cycles of IVF/ICSI before travelling to Thailand for a donor cycle which happily has been successful. I have cried many tears, the depth of the despair that I have felt cannot be easily described but I have also felt the cautious joy of success. I say cautious because even when I had the positive test, I was happy but didn't let myself be too happy because What IF it all went wrong? I have had cautious happiness each time I have reached a new milestone and I am hoping that unbridled joy will be mine once again at some point in the future - perhaps at the birth of JourneyBabyBoy?

In my country (Australia), the government took away much funding in January for IF services putting the cost out of reach for most average Australians. Generally, we had been lucky enough to be one of the best countries for funding IVF but now that declining every day. They also imposed new rules, one of which is police checks that must be completed before treatment commences which has increased the cost, increased time delays and has further alienated the IF community from every day Australians. JourneyMan and I chose to travel to Thailand to seek an egg donor because it is illegal to pay for egg / sperm donations in Australia - there are some very generous souls who do it out of the goodness of their heart but the waiting lists are, at minimum, 2-3 years. In my home state, you cannot advertise for a donor without submitting the advertisement to the government for approval. What IF we actually made it easier for infertile couples to receive treatment?

The What IF quesitons are not all bad ones - there are so many there that have hope. Hope was something that had become somewhat of an enemy but I am now gently holding it in my heart like a precious, fragile jewel. I am afraid to embrace it entirely but it is there nonetheless and growing every day.

What IF my son is brought up in a loving and attentive family and changes the world simply by his presence?

What IF we appreciate every moment of our journey for the rest of our lives?

What IF I hadn't been on this journey and didn't appreciate the preciousness of the life growing inside of me?

What IF I let unbridled joy back into my life?

For more information about infertility - please visit Resolve's Infertility 101
For the list of bloggers who answer the questions 'What IF' please click here.

1 comment:

  1. I am so glad you did this. It is kind of hard to explore all of the "what Ifs" for this post, and actually vocalize them, but it is so theraputic at the same time.

    I can tell you right now you are going to make a wonderful mother and you will never for one second forget the journey you took to being a mother. That journey and that gratefulness will translate into absolute patience you never knew you had when it comes to your child. There won't be a day when you look upon his sweet little face and say, "You were worth all of it, and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat." Because of everything you went through, you already are a wonderful mother.