Where the fear lies....

I think that this first part of the pregnancy is always (well twice anyway!!) the hardest part for me.  There is so much time between the visits to have scans or to see the OB send me into a bit of a panic despite there being really no reason.  Waiting for the first scan (which was all good) at 7 weeks was the 2WW turned into the 3WW and then I don’t see the OB until 10 weeks (next Monday) and whilst 3 weeks doesn’t seem much, it feels like a lot when your every nerve is stretched out in anticipation of more reassurance.  I mean, I definitely have been having plenty of symptoms but the doubting Thomas part of my mind will always find an alternate reason, other than being pregnant, that I would be experiencing these things.  Though the evil part of my mind doesn’t seem to have an explanation for the massive trail of veins over my breasts and abdomen – yeah, take that evil mind, what do you have to say for yourself – nothing, good, now keep it that way and shut up!! (okay, so maybe cracking up could be a pregnancy symptom too?)

From 12 weeks on it is a bit easier to bear but only because I have scans every week from 14 weeks as I am in the high risk category (for incompetent cervix) – the 2 weeks from 12 weeks is not that hard to bear and then getting to see the baby each week from week 14 is a real treat.  It’s nice too because many people want to come to the scans and because I have so many, it is nice to get people along (I warn them about ‘up the bagingo wandy’ so they are not shocked but it is all very discreet.  My Mum is coming to the 12 week one and then I think my bestie will be first cab off the rank in week 14 – it’s nice, it becomes a weekly event (or I hope it will again!).

The fear is 100% completely irrational and every time I bring it up with anyone, I don’t really feel like they understand – I mean, I wouldn’t understand either.  My motto has always been ‘past behaviour predicts future behaviour’ and by that motto, my body should behave as it did when I was last pregnant, which means big yayers, all should be great, right?  You would think that but I continue to have feelings of panic and dread.  I’m hoping that we have experienced our last cycle but don’t even want to contemplate life too far ahead in case I curse us.  

I think that all that has happened in the last year has really affected my ability to stand up and stare fear in the face.  Firstly, it was the failed cycle in October – until then I had actually thought we had the found the IVF certainty – donor cycles and because it happened first off with JBB, I just expected it to work straight off again.  The fact that it didn’t really affected me.  At the time, I also didn’t feel that I was allowed to grieve because I had to be excited for my sister who got pregnant at that time (I have gotten over that now, her little son is adorable and I really credit him with me finally getting excited to have an actual baby in the house again – I held him and realised I really, really wanted another baby). 

Then came JBB getting sick and spending 5 days in the hospital, this was so monumental, I was numb for months.  The thought that my darling little boy would have problems with his heart for life was just too much to bear – I couldn’t even contemplate it. 

Hot on the heels of JBB being in hospital was the second failed cycle in December, I was still so numb from JBB being sick that it barely registered as a cycle.  I was a mess physically, mentally and emotionally – there is no wonder that the cycle was a failure.  It was the best decision that we made to take a break and wait for 9 months before going again. 

Straight after that cycle failure, my Dad found that he had the cancer back. So it was treatment and horrible decisions and seeing him going before our eyes.   I didn’t expect him to die while I was away in Thailand.  It also feels very strange that my Dad’s death and this pregnancy are so inextricably linked.

It’s now almost 12 months since that first failed cycle in October last year.  Surely, we can put this 12 months behind us and look forward with great hope and joy at the next 12 months.