Time going by...

Well, it is 17 weeks and all is well. The cramping has continued and now my back has chimed in - so much so that I am going to have to go and see my osteopath. The dizziness is still here as well but other than that, all is very, very excellent! My scan on Friday was a good one and thankfully the cervix has measured exactly the same as it did last week - yay. I also asked if JourneyBabyBoy had enough room as it is something that I am continually wondering about because of my halfa uterus and the sonographer said yes, he has plenty of room.

Lots to do this week in the lead up to Easter. I am working Monday, Tuesday and Thursday this week and Wednesday I am going to get the hedge plants to border our courtyard to start the greening process. I have a lot planned over Easter as well, Friday, JourneyMan and I are going to work in the garden, paint our new front door and get our hedge plants in - yay. Saturday, I am off to the football (Australian Rules football!), Sunday we are having lunch with my sister as well as finishing dyeing some curtains for our bedroom and then on Monday I am taking my bestie out for a birthday treat day, we are having manicures and pedicures, then a luxury afternoon tea - I can't wait, we haven't spent that much time together recently so a day of chatting and catching up is just what the doctor ordered!

I sometimes feel like this whole pregnancy is a bit surreal, even though I get to see JBB every Friday. It is quite a wonderful time and we are being spoilt with so many presents already from my Mum (she made us up a little package to have under the change table), my Aunty has just given us some clothes as well as blankets and bibs and JourneyMan's best mate's wife has just given us some clothes for JBB as well - he is obviously the most spoilt child already!!

Cramps galore!

Well, it has been an eventful few days. Friday's scan went very well, nice long and closed cervix, no drama's getting there and JBB all good. They did another check to make sure that JBB is indeed a boy - yes, he is there is no doubt about it - yay!!

Saturday I had my normal day of going to the market for the weeks food shopping but beforehand JourneyMan and I did a (very overdue) house clean. After the market, my Mum and I headed off to a maternity clothes sale and I got a couple of pants - a black pair that are just sensational. some nice work ones and I nice jumper for the winter since I have pretty much nothing that will fit once winter hits! So, I was pretty exhausted when I got home from all of my adventures and I hit the couch in a bit way.

A couple of hours later, I started getting really bad cramps. They were so bad that I could barely walk hunched over to the bathroom to get some painkillers. JourneyMan was over at his friends house and I called him and couldn't stop crying because I was so scared. Poor JourneyMan was very worried and talked to his best friend's wife who gave some suggestions which JourneyMan texted me. I know that the doctor told me last time that some people get period cramps all through their pregnancy but it is still very freaky and hard not to think that something is wrong.

Since then, I have been getting cramps everyday. No bleeding thankfully but still, it has been a rough few days cramps wise. Yesterday, the dizzyness also came back with a vengeance - though I haven't fallen over thank goodness.

Not much else happening at the moment - mostly I am just trying to stay in as positive frame of mind as possible.

A whole lotta info..

Well – a lot has been happening and I am very sorry not to have been giving more regular updates. Here is a big update on how last week went:

JourneyBabyBoy: There is not a huge amount happening each week with the pregnancy but that does not mean that the week was not filled with drama! Last week I started being really dizzy again. So much so, that I fell over in the bedroom when I was getting changed and also had the room spinning when I was lying down – not good. Friday’s weekly scan went well – once I got there!! My Mum has been desperate to come to one of the scans so she can see her grandchild (thankfully even though she already has 5 grandies, she is still SOOOO excited for more!) so she came on Friday with me.

Originally, I was going to pick her up in the morning but because I had been so dizzy I asked her to drive. Well, about half way there, her car overheated. We were really stressed out because we were in peak hour traffic and were pushed to get to the appointment on time. We pulled up in a side street (crossed our fingers that we wouldn’t get a ticket) and decided to jump on a tram into the city. From looking at the map, the tram was only a block away but I tell you, it was at the top of the hugest hill, more like a mountain!! We huffed and puffed our way up to the top – I am telling you, it was the longest block ever and I gave the imaging place a call to let them know I was running late (they told me that the patient before me was going to be a long one so we were okay).

Then we had to worry about the new ticketing system as neither of us take public transport very often and didn’t have a new pass, so we had to hope that they still were transitioning the system and we could pay cash – luckily we could! We finally got to the appointment half an hour late and I had just enough time to go to the loo and then I was called in. JourneyBabyBoy is going very well – measurements are all good! He had the hiccups, which made my Mum and I have a chuckle!

The way back was a lot more relaxing and after we had filled the car up with water, we went to a café and had a hot drink and a muffin – lovely!!

My stomach is now starting to pop out though JourneyMan has said that you still wouldn’t assume that I was pregnant by just looking at me – hmmmm, I guess that means that I am looking like I have put on weight on my stomach, boooo. I do feel huge already – gosh knows what I will feel like in a few months! I can also feel where my uterus is, I think mainly because it is only on the left because of the wonky shape that I have – I am wondering if my tummy is going to look lopsided later on – that will be weird!!

We had our 16 week OB appointment on Wednesday and all went swimmingly well!! He said that all of my ultrasounds and tests were perfect and we got to hear JBB’s heartbeat again – is there any more gorgeous sound! The doc confirmed that I have low blood pressure and so I have to be careful not to get overheated (hard when the air-conditioning at work is only working 60% - I tell you, as soon as my meetings are done, I get home to the air-con asap, it’s Autumn now in Melbourne but the weather has still been pretty hot – especially this last week!!). I also cannot stand for too long and must keep myself well hydrated, all fairly easy things to do which is fine! That is it for the JBB update – all going fabulously well, yay!

Work: I have been very, very busy as four more sites went live this week and it wasn’t the best go live that I have ever had. I am glad to have the work but am hoping that it won’t be as stressful over the coming few months. JourneyMan has also found out that his role will be finishing up at the end of April so he has been applying to every job going around and he has some promising prospects. I am not stressed right now but I will be if he doesn’t get a job soon!

Home: Well it is spreadsheets galore in preparation for the great renovation!! We are gradually getting started on things and hopefully it will all get done fairly quickly so that the house won’t be a dysfunctional mess for much longer!!

Sorry for the long post – I swear I will catch up on my reading and commenting soon!!

My happiness is slowly creeping back!

Words from a song from one of my favourite bands (Powderfinger - an Aussie band).

I am feeling alot better now. JourneyMan and I are back being happy again and have made some decisions on our house. Hurrah, we have decided to renovate before the baby comes!! It is going to be a pretty big project but I am SOOOOO excited about it. On Wednesday I was driving home from work sobbing to my mum that I will go crazy with our 1971 kitchen that we have in our unit - I spoke to JourneyMan that night and we decided.

We had not completed the renovations previously because of the money that we needed to save for IF treatments - thankfully we are having a bit of a break from that so we are able to do it. We also had great news on our tax returns so things are looking up money-wise - yay. It has taken a huge amount of pressure off us though we still have quite a bit of saving to do.

I had my first of the weekly scans to check my cervix on Friday and I got some gorgeous 2d and 4d pics of the baby - hurrah. It is back to the old vaginal scan though - I thought that I had left those behind me for the moment but they are back and they are weekly. I was in there so long my legs were shaking. At one point the sonographer (I still haven't looked up whether that's the right word yet - but I will soon!) paged the doctor and I am pretty sure I went white with fear. It turns out that she just wanted to determine with the doctor whether I have one or two cervixes - I wanted to give her a punch for scaring the hell out of me.

They talked about it for awhile (all the while wanding away in my delicate regions) but after awhile I have said, 'yes, i have been told that I have two, then one, then two then one again so it would not surprise me, however, after 3 transfers, a dye test and two operations, no-one has ever been able to confirm where the opening for the second one is' - the doctor's comment - 'well it is just interesting' to which I replied 'yes, everyone finds it interesting'. I was getting pretty impatient after I have had many similar reactions in many, many scans. Yes, I get it, I'm 'special' - nuff said for crying out loud.

Some good news in the scan though - the baby has two kidney's (whoo hoo, this is a big deal as I only have one!) and wait for it people...............................it's a BOY!!!! I have to admit, there was the smallest moment of hesitation because I wanted a girl and was sure that the baby was a girl but then came unbelievable happiness and I floated all the way home. Once I got home, I quickly went up to the shops and found a blue teddy with the boys name, that we have had picked out for years, amazingly they had one there and when JourneyMan got home, I showed it to him as he walked in the door and said you are having a son! Well, he has been walking around like a peacock since - bless him!!

Oh and of course the other good news is that the cervix is fine - she said 'beautiful' in fact which was nice!

So, I haven't updated since then because JourneyMan, JourneyDog and I (+ JourneyBabyBoy of course) went to see JourneyMan's sister and husband in country Victoria overnight which was lovely. She is also pregnant so it was fun to catch up. We missed all of the wild storms that hit our home town over the weekend - hail the size of golf balls, crazy, crazy weather so it was a relief to get home and find the house perfectly fine - yay.

And that is about all for this weekend. I have much blog reading to catch up on - will be back soon!

The Crushing Fear...

It has been a trying week. JourneyMan and I are fighting, which I absolutely hate and I am afraid, afraid, afraid. JourneyMan doesn’t seem to realize how serious sleep apnea is, he also has high blood pressure and is overweight – I am very scared for him at the moment but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do anything about it. It is so frustrating and I feel absolutely helpless. I am terribly afraid that he is going to die and leave me with the baby on my own, I am afraid that because I am not feeling particularly amorous that he is going want to find comfort elsewhere. I am worried that he does not want the family life but would rather be single that he hasn’t grown up enough to take responsibility for his child. I know in my heart that most of these fears are baseless but they are eating away at my equilibrium.

I am scared of myself as well, I mean after all just because I have wanted a child all this time does not mean that I will make a good mother – what if I stuff them up entirely? I am worried about taking the time off work – will we have enough money to live?

Generally I am a pretty brave person, I like to face up to my fears. So much so that on a trip to a theme park about 18 months ago, I went on a ride that I swore I would never go on again because it was so scary the first time – it was one of those giant drops where they count down and then drop you from about 10 stories high. It is not particularly the drop that I fear but the anticipation of it and sitting up 10 stories high with my feet dangling and the wind blowing the ride – very scary. I felt like I had to do it again just to prove to myself that I am not scared. I even want to go back to Nepal and climb up to the Kalar Patar peak that my bestie and I missed out on because I got altitude sickness.

At the moment though, I don’t feel brave – I feel like a meek, vulnerable pile of fearful crap. I don’t really feel like myself, I am constantly worried and feel like I am being crushed under the burden of fear.

I have had an awful couple of days at work as well. The project is frustrating the hell out of me but I have had some good news and that is that I will have work until I want to go on maternity leave and it has been approved by the CFO – whoo hoo!! I am really glad because I do like where I work (apart from the huge frustrations just now) but the people are fab (I told quite a few of them about JourneyBaby at the conference last week), they are hugely flexible with working conditions – as long as I am there for meetings, I can work from home the rest of the time and the work is interesting, challenging and generally fun. I realized that in June, I will have worked for the company for 5 years – a huge record for me.

I am sure that the pregnancy hormones aren’t helping with my constant state of fear but it is a pretty alien state of being for me – I am pretty uncomfortable though I am sure I will get over it soon.

In the meantime, I will quote one of my favourite sayings ‘this too shall pass’.