The Hard Truth....

I am still struggling to write posts but I am hoping that I will get back into the rhythm of things soon. My Dad is not going well. He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks having radiation treatment for the cancer that has come back where the lung was that they removed and on his adrenal gland. He chose this treatment because it was supposed to have minimal side effects but I don’t think that he has been eating properly for more than a couple of weeks due to the nausea. He came home on Friday and had a fall and Mum was afraid (because he was not eating or drinking) that he was dehydrated. She had to take the exceedingly hard decision to see if he could go back to the hospital. A hard decision for Mum because Dad doesn’t like being there and he takes it out on her. She has had to make so many hard decisions – I feel very sad for her, they had always wanted to be spending their retirement going on trips and having coffee everywhere around Melbourne (they loved going for coffee – loved it!!).

On top of the cancer is the fact that he has the hydrocephalus (fluid on the brain) and this has caused his short term memory to be irreparably damaged. In the past years he has changed significantly from the person that he used to be but right now – there is good and bad in what the hydrocephalus has done to him. It seems to have affected his pain centre so that he doesn’t seem to be in as much pain as you would expect in this situation, which is good. He has also had some humiliating things happen to him (accidents and such) that he doesn’t remember which is also good. The worst of the hydrocephalus is that we just don’t know what he understands about the situation because one day he seems to be accepting of what is happening and the next day he will be wondering when the treatment will fix him. We are all having trouble accepting that we have limited time with him but I also have things that I want to say to him. The problem is – I don’t want to freak him out if he is not remembering why he is in the hospital and having treatment but I also don’t want to regret not saying the things to him that I want to say. The other hard part is that I could say everything I want to say to him and he won’t remember it the next day.

I’m gonna say it here and then hope that I will get a chance to tell him.

I want to thank him for being a great Dad. I want to thank him for taking me to the footy with him every week when I was a kid – it has created amazing memories and has also enabled me to relate to him at all times. I want to let him know that the times that he told me that he was proud of me, I hold precious in my heart. I want to thank him for teaching me how to laugh at myself. I want to hug him for him taking JBB into his heart so completely – they have a beautiful relationship, it makes me so happy to see them together. I want to thank him for the single minded drive that he has given me – he was the most motivated person that I have ever known - unfortunately the hydrocephalus has taken it from him now but was so fit (he ran 9 marathons), it was amazing. I want to thank him for giving me so many belly laughs throughout my life, he knows how to tell a story and honestly, he’s had an aptitude for getting into ridiculous situations. I want to tell him how great it was that he worked in the garage out the back because he was always there when we got home from school. He (and mum of course) gave us an amazing childhood filled with family, holidays away together and lots and lots of fun – whenever we are all together, we reminisce!! I want to thank him for everything that he taught me – to drive, to work hard, to excel. Mainly I just want to tell him that I don’t want him to go, that I will miss him, that I love him.

The thought that he will most likely not even meet any more children that we have makes me want to sit in the corner and sob my heart out. I hope desperately that he will be around for the birth of my sister’s first baby in June, it will hurt my heart if he misses it. I know that these things are all selfish, I also know that he is suffering and that his life has become a complete struggle. Despite the fact that he is rarely the Dad that I grew up with, the hydrocephalus has taken him bit by bit away from us, I can’t contemplate him not being there at all. I am very sad for all of us.

Humpty Dumpty

I have tried to write this post numerous times but I am having trouble expressing anything at the moment.

I had a meltdown last week, not least because the last few months have been pretty rough. Two failed cycles, JBB getting sick and my Dad with the cancer back. I feel very locked down. Locked down in an emotional sense. I think when JBB got sick, I reached my limit of what I could cope with, so I have stuffed my feelings down deep. The fear, the anxiety, the grief all stuffed safely down so that I don’t have to deal with them.

This is really highlighted for me when we had the failed cycle in early Jan, I was a bit - meh, oh well, more bad news. When I was told about my Dad only having 6-12 months to live, I had a few brief moments of grief and then I was back in lockdown. I feel like I am a damn and all of my emotions are down in my body wreaking havoc but I am afraid to let go because I am worried that I will be like Humpty Dumpty and that 'all the King's horses and all the King's men' won’t be able to put me back together again.

I haven't even felt able to post because I am so invested in holding everything together, lest mentioning where I am will make the damn break. The have been a few instances of breakdown, like last week but it was more like a spillway. There is an overflow once I reach a certain point but then all is locked back up and the damn is reinforced.

I know that this is not good, I know that this is not healthy, I know that I am a ticking time bomb – there is only so much damn repair that you can make. I haven’t seen many of my friends for probably 6-12 months. I am scared that they will want to talk about the cycles, I am scared that they want to talk about Dad, I am scared that they want to see my reaction to my sister being pregnant and me not being. I am probably selling them short but I don’t really want to burst into tears every time I set foot out of the house either.

I have booked in to see a psychologist and I am hoping that it will be a safe space where I can let it all go. I know that I need to. I know that I need to get to a place of equilibrium for my own (as well as JourneyMan’s and JBB’s) sake.

Further delays...

There is a lot going on here, mainly with my Dad and I am working on a post about that but for the moment, I don't have the heart for it.

So, what is happening here? Quite a lot really but most of it is in my mind. I have been doing all sorts of thinking and soul searching in the wake of these two latest failures and the main realization being that I really don't think that was ready for another baby at those times, my body is a mess, our finances are a mess and the reasons that I wanted the cycled worked, were, quite frankly fu€ked (excuse my language). Basically, I just wanted to get it all 'over with'. This is a far cry from creating space in our lives to welcome a new life to love.

We hadn't created space in our lives, our hearts or even our house. I'm not blaming our failure on this but it's been an eye opener to realize the attitudes that I took into the cycles. This has made me understand that I need more time, so we are moving the cycle to the last week in August, making this decision has immediately taken the pressure off, which is great.

I have finally realized that the end does not justify the means. I need to take care of myself and be as fit, healthy and ready as possible for my own sake as well as that of JBB and the future JBBS. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to use the blog to explore my inner landscape over the next few months.

Thanks for hanging in, those that are still reading!