I have tried to write this post numerous times but I am having trouble expressing anything at the moment.
I had a meltdown last week, not least because the last few months have been pretty rough. Two failed cycles, JBB getting sick and my Dad with the cancer back. I feel very locked down. Locked down in an emotional sense. I think when JBB got sick, I reached my limit of what I could cope with, so I have stuffed my feelings down deep. The fear, the anxiety, the grief all stuffed safely down so that I don’t have to deal with them.
This is really highlighted for me when we had the failed cycle in early Jan, I was a bit - meh, oh well, more bad news. When I was told about my Dad only having 6-12 months to live, I had a few brief moments of grief and then I was back in lockdown. I feel like I am a damn and all of my emotions are down in my body wreaking havoc but I am afraid to let go because I am worried that I will be like Humpty Dumpty and that 'all the King's horses and all the King's men' won’t be able to put me back together again.
I haven't even felt able to post because I am so invested in holding everything together, lest mentioning where I am will make the damn break. The have been a few instances of breakdown, like last week but it was more like a spillway. There is an overflow once I reach a certain point but then all is locked back up and the damn is reinforced.
I know that this is not good, I know that this is not healthy, I know that I am a ticking time bomb – there is only so much damn repair that you can make. I haven’t seen many of my friends for probably 6-12 months. I am scared that they will want to talk about the cycles, I am scared that they want to talk about Dad, I am scared that they want to see my reaction to my sister being pregnant and me not being. I am probably selling them short but I don’t really want to burst into tears every time I set foot out of the house either.
I have booked in to see a psychologist and I am hoping that it will be a safe space where I can let it all go. I know that I need to. I know that I need to get to a place of equilibrium for my own (as well as JourneyMan’s and JBB’s) sake.
I had a meltdown last week, not least because the last few months have been pretty rough. Two failed cycles, JBB getting sick and my Dad with the cancer back. I feel very locked down. Locked down in an emotional sense. I think when JBB got sick, I reached my limit of what I could cope with, so I have stuffed my feelings down deep. The fear, the anxiety, the grief all stuffed safely down so that I don’t have to deal with them.
This is really highlighted for me when we had the failed cycle in early Jan, I was a bit - meh, oh well, more bad news. When I was told about my Dad only having 6-12 months to live, I had a few brief moments of grief and then I was back in lockdown. I feel like I am a damn and all of my emotions are down in my body wreaking havoc but I am afraid to let go because I am worried that I will be like Humpty Dumpty and that 'all the King's horses and all the King's men' won’t be able to put me back together again.
I haven't even felt able to post because I am so invested in holding everything together, lest mentioning where I am will make the damn break. The have been a few instances of breakdown, like last week but it was more like a spillway. There is an overflow once I reach a certain point but then all is locked back up and the damn is reinforced.
I know that this is not good, I know that this is not healthy, I know that I am a ticking time bomb – there is only so much damn repair that you can make. I haven’t seen many of my friends for probably 6-12 months. I am scared that they will want to talk about the cycles, I am scared that they want to talk about Dad, I am scared that they want to see my reaction to my sister being pregnant and me not being. I am probably selling them short but I don’t really want to burst into tears every time I set foot out of the house either.
I have booked in to see a psychologist and I am hoping that it will be a safe space where I can let it all go. I know that I need to. I know that I need to get to a place of equilibrium for my own (as well as JourneyMan’s and JBB’s) sake.
Posts
You have had such a huge amount to deal with - it's amazing that you have managed to keep going! But you sound like you are very self-aware and are doing the right things to help yourself. With a small child, I know it's very hard to find space to even begin to unpick your feelings, never mind sort through them and making a defined space with a safe person to do that sounds very wise. I hope you find a bit of peace with it all.
ReplyDeleteI know I say this a lot, but I can totally relate to you on this one too. We just get to the point where we can't deal with the things life hands us when it keeps handing us crap. I deal very similarly to you. I get to the point where I just don't have any room for anymore feelings or emotions regarding a certain subject, infertility and everything that entails. I don't talk about that anymore either. That's why I didn't tell people about my surgery. I didn't want to talk about it. I'm tired of all of the disappointment and hurt that come with it.
ReplyDeleteWhen my dog Sadie lost her whole litter last August, I turned off my phone and cut off all contact to anyone who lived outside my house because I just couldn't talk about it. I stayed home from work for two days and dreaded going back because I didn't want to talk about it. It hurt too much. I didn't want to repeat the same story over and over and over to everyone who asked, each time, reliving the pain and shock. It took me over a day and a half before I finally started returning phone calls, and even then it was only to my family. My dad was the first person I talked to.
Talking about feelings like you are going through means feeling them, and that is hard. It hurts. And like you said, talking about them means opening the flood gates. I hope that you are able to express some of them with the psychologist, and that she can help you work through them. It is too difficult to go through all of this on your own. Sometimes that outside party is the key to healing.
Sending you loads of love.