I had a meltdown last week, not least because the last few months have been pretty rough. Two failed cycles, JBB getting sick and my Dad with the cancer back. I feel very locked down. Locked down in an emotional sense. I think when JBB got sick, I reached my limit of what I could cope with, so I have stuffed my feelings down deep. The fear, the anxiety, the grief all stuffed safely down so that I don’t have to deal with them.
This is really highlighted for me when we had the failed cycle in early Jan, I was a bit - meh, oh well, more bad news. When I was told about my Dad only having 6-12 months to live, I had a few brief moments of grief and then I was back in lockdown. I feel like I am a damn and all of my emotions are down in my body wreaking havoc but I am afraid to let go because I am worried that I will be like Humpty Dumpty and that 'all the King's horses and all the King's men' won’t be able to put me back together again.
I haven't even felt able to post because I am so invested in holding everything together, lest mentioning where I am will make the damn break. The have been a few instances of breakdown, like last week but it was more like a spillway. There is an overflow once I reach a certain point but then all is locked back up and the damn is reinforced.
I know that this is not good, I know that this is not healthy, I know that I am a ticking time bomb – there is only so much damn repair that you can make. I haven’t seen many of my friends for probably 6-12 months. I am scared that they will want to talk about the cycles, I am scared that they want to talk about Dad, I am scared that they want to see my reaction to my sister being pregnant and me not being. I am probably selling them short but I don’t really want to burst into tears every time I set foot out of the house either.
I have booked in to see a psychologist and I am hoping that it will be a safe space where I can let it all go. I know that I need to. I know that I need to get to a place of equilibrium for my own (as well as JourneyMan’s and JBB’s) sake.