Secret Keeper

That is what I feel like - a keeper of secret moments between JBB and I. JourneyMan is visiting with his nephew tonight (I saw his cutieness yesterday) and I have just come back from JBB's room realising just how lucky I am. I mean, it's not as if I didn't know, I surely did but tonight it has gone deeper within me, I have felt more grateful than I have ever felt before. So what happened to cause this revelation? Nothing much. I have been working on my Christmas list with JBB in bed when he woke up and started squeaking (not really crying, just complaining a little), I let him got for a little to see if he settled himself but he didn't so I went in and picked him up and sang his sleepy song (you've got a friend). As I was singing to him, he gave me some gorgeous smiles as he usually does. He settled pretty much straight away and I put him back in to the cot.

How lucky am I that I was able to comfort this little miracle? The privilege of this takes my breath away. These are the secret moments of a mother - knowing how to comfort JBB, being able to distinguish the difference between the cry of hunger from the cry to be comforted. Learning what makes him smile and laugh (the first time that he laughed was when I made an ooooooooh sound with a funny face - he is easily pleased), choosing to entertain and play with him rather than empty the dishwasher. Knowing what songs that he likes to hear (most of them made up by me - one day I sang nearly every word to him all day). Seeing his face light up in the morning when I sing his good morning song.

This motherhood caper is such a learning experience, every day I learn something new about this little boy - how to entertain him, how to comfort him, how to make him smile, how to make him laugh - it the best thing ever!!

I am dreading going back to work - I want to be the one that still holds these secrets but unfortunately I am going to miss some of the firsts of the things that he does. I don't know how I am going to deal with that but I am not going to worry about that now, for the moment I am the keeper of secret moments.

The Donor Egg Mother (Part 2)

This is the belated second part of the post that I did a couple of weeks ago - it still has been bubbling around within me. As usual, I would like to put in the disclaimer that there is nothing that I am more grateful in my life than JBB, every day, I am shocked with how much I love him more and more. This is not about being grateful, this is about something underneath, something that I don't think that I have quite dealt with yet.

JourneyMan and I went to the final session of our council run 'Baby Makes 3' course on Thursday night. Both of us have found this course quite wonderful, it has given us plenty to talk about and work out as well as some great ideas to help us as a family going forwards. As part of the final wrap up, the facilitators handed out the number of a counsellor that we could go and see individually or as a couple if we so chose to. After the course, I went to ask the facilitator privately if I could discuss my situation regarding JBB being a donor egg baby with the cousellor. She, of course, said that it was fine but what shocked me was that I started crying. Poor old JourneyMan didn't know what the hell was up because I was fine the previous minute before. I rushed him off to the car and started sobbing. The crazy thing is, I don't really know myself though I am starting to have an inkling.

I guess it started when JourneyMan's Aunt asked me at lunch 'Oh, JBB's skin is so beautiful and dark, where did he get that from?'. I wasn't prepared for a question framed in that way and when I said that JBB is a donor egg baby, she seemed a little embarrassed and quickly changed the subject. Then last week I was over at a girlfriend's for lunch and there were a few gals there who were all commenting on how much on each others' new babies were starting to look like them - you know, things like 'oh, so and so is really starting to look like you around the eyes now'. Strangely enough and as a bit of a side point, I have never been able to see that a baby looks like a parent or not. Anyway, this has happened a few times and each time the same thoughts run through my head. Firstly, I hear - 'that will never happen to me', which is quickly followed by 'who cares?', which then leads on to 'is there some part of me that cares - why would I bring this up to myself?' and then I start to feel guilty and beat myself up a bit. This goes round and round for a while.

I talked to JourneyMan about this the other night and he was wonderful - he is completely heartfelt in his knowledge that he understands that I am not saying that there is anything wrong with my bond with JBB or that I am anything less that esctatic about having JBB in our family - he knows that I am just trying to express myself so that I can find out what the feeling is underneath the tears.

I am now wondering about whether I have not completely grieved being able to have my own biological child or whether it is simply that I have not prepared myself for the situations that I have been placed in or could it even just be hormones. In some respects I do feel very alone because there are very few people that understand my situation. I am definitely a person that likes to be prepared for situations and how I would like to handle them. In some ways I am disappointed with myself that I didn't think to prepare myself for these earlier but I can't beat myself up too much, I have been very busy chasing after that little wigglemunch, JBB!!

Okay - so I kind of feel better about this going forward. I am going to try this as a plan:

1. If people ask where JBB got his beautiful skin (surprisingly this is asked fairly often cos honestly, he has the most divine skin you have ever seen - thankfully not my freckled version and JourneyMan, well, he has skin of the very pale variety!!), I am going to openly say that he is a donor egg baby who is our beloved miracle. I will be open to questions and will happily answer them but if the person seems to be embarrassed, I will be happy to answer anything that anyone has to ask.

2. When people are talking about their own children, and how they look like them, I am going to remember our beautiful holiday to Thailand that we had to have our darling boy. I am going to look closely at my gorgeous son, I am going to search his features and see if there is anything I would change about him because I know with absolute 100% certainty, there is nothing I would change - he is one of the reasons that I rejoice every day. I am going to hold that precious gift of his presence in my heart and smile knowingly to myself that when my friends, family or anyone else are looking at their children and seeing themselves - I will look at my JBB and see a beautiful miracle that I am priveleged to behold.

I am sure that I am going to trip over these situations more in the future but I am not afraid of looking at them now.

It has been a tough week for my darling JourneyMan. His Nanna died on Tuesday morning. She was a wonderfully warm and beautiful woman. We were lucky enough to see her last Saturday when they called all of the family in. JourneyMan was able to sit with her and spend some time showing off JBB to her - it was very special. My heart has hurt for him as he loved his Nanna dearly.

News (and another cute pic!!)

Well, we are trying for some semblance of a routine at the moment and (cross your fingers) it seems to be going pretty well. We are only talking at night - his days are still pretty much up in the air but nights are pretty good. He starts winding down at 7pm with a bath (with Mum), a massage (from Dad), a story, a feed and then to sleep - generally between 7:30-8pm. I then wake him up gently for a top up feed at 11pm (read about doing this in a book and it seems to work) and then he sleeps through to between 5:30-6:30pm. It's nice to have a small bit of a routine after the chaos (blissfully wonderful chaos!!) of the past month.

That brings me on to an issue that I have been feeling. JourneyMan, JBB and I are currently attending a local council run course called 'Baby Makes 3' for new parents. Since I believe in trying anything to see if it works, we attended the first of 3 sessions last Thursday. It was excellent and has made for some interesting (and some heated) discussions between JourneyMan and I. At the course, I realised that I had been holding back from saying anything negative about having JBB - basically because I didn't think that I had any right to because of what we went through to have him.

There is not anything really negative, it is just that some days can be pretty challenging and my goodness, the worry - both JourneyMan and I have not been able to help ourselves from checking the little popsicle is breathing - sometimes he is so quiet it is scary. I absolutely 100% know that I am lucky and I am completely grateful for the gift that we have been given but does that mean that I can't express my feelings? I had also avoided doing it on this blog because I know that many, many people out there are continuing to fight the battle of IF and I don't want to be insensitive to their plight. I would love it if anyone could help me out with some advice here!!

I do feel stressed at the moment. JourneyMan lost his job a couple of weeks ago and it is getting to the point where if he doesn't get something soon, I might have to ask if I can go back to work earlier. I know that it is crazy but I feel a bit like that the price that I have to pay for having my dream come true is that I have to go back to work and not be with my gorgeous boy for all of his 'firsts' and to nurture and care for him. That being said, JourneyMan does have a few good prospects on the go at the moment and I am hopeful that he will be able to secure something very soon!!

News about JBB - he is 5.2kg's (11lb's) now and growing very well. He has the most beautiful skin I have ever seen. He is now smiling in response to us and laughing as well - my sister and I call him the time muncher because we can spend hours trying to make him smile and laugh. JourneyMan and I both read to him everday - mainly books that we are reading ourselves but also some children's books too. I love singing to him - though my voice is terrible, poor kid!! Despite the stress, despite the tiredness, despite any minor niggle that there is in my life - I feel absolute and utter joy every day - I mean who wouldn't looking at this face.....

Quick Pic

I couldn't resist posting this Cutie McCuterson pic of JBB..... Will post soon (and do some hard core reading - I am so behind on the news!!)