Merry Christmas & over and out for 2011!

I hope that you all have had a fabulous Christmas and I hope all of your dreams come true in 2011.

Could there be a better Christmas than discovering that you are pregnant? Yes, you can celebrate with your 4 month old son and wonderful husband. We had an amazing day yesterday. JBB woke us up at 6am and we gave him his presents (jumper and a little couch) - JourneyDog also scored a new stuffed toy and a chew toy to play with. I then gave JourneyMan his pressies and he gave me some. As a joke during the week I had said to JourneyMan:

'Have you gotten my pressies yet?'

He said:

'Yes, I have'

I asked jokingly:

'Will they make me weep for joy?'

He said:

'As a matter of fact, they will'

In my mind, I thought 'Yeah right'

It turns out that JourneyMan bought me a book from JBB and JourneyDog called 'Your my Mother' - it was the most beautiful present (apart from JBB of course) that JourneyMan has ever given me - I did indeed weep for joy. I can't tell you how special that moment was.

We then went over to my Mum and Dad's place to have pressie corner and my Mum gave me a book called 'When I was Born' which is absolutely beautiful and once again I was weeping tears of joy. I showed the book to JourneyMan and he also wept at the beauty of the book. JourneyMan is not a hugely emotional fellow - and to see him so moved by this book was a beautiful experience - it was wonderful to see how much he feels for our darling JBB.

We are off to the beach to camp for our holidays tomorrow. JourneyMan has to work so my sister is coming up in the car with JBB and I and JourneyMan will join us on New Year's eve. I am looking forward to the holiday. It is most likely going to be the last one that my Dad can make and the whole family is going to be there which should be nice.

It is with a contented sigh that I wave goodbye to 2010, the best year of my life. I hope that 2011 will be as amazing a year as this one has and I hope that it will be the year in which all of your dreams come true!

All the best!!

Happy JBB Creation Day!!

Today is the one year anniversary of the creation of our little popsicle, JBB!! This time last year, we were in Thailand and were anxiously awaiting the fertilisation results. In honour of the one year anniversary of our wonderfully successful trip to Thailand, I took a trip down memory lane this week and re-read my posts of a year ago.

It strikes me that I am quite a different person than I was a year ago. I was totally frenzied. Understandably so, I believe as the stakes were so high. There wasn't a moment unaccounted for in the lead up to the trip, I was either planning, packing, researching, blogging or thinking about the trip and what was going to happen. That being said, once I got there I chilled out enormously. Oh I was still nervous and anxious but definitely more chilled out.

The past year has been the most joyous of my life. Every moment that I look at our darling JBB, I thank goodness that he is in our lives. Even when he is giving us the big oo-wah-aa's, he is delightful!!

In other news, I had a bit of a breakthrough when speaking with my bestie. I was telling her about the counselling and what I had felt and for the first time, I didn't cry when I remembered those first two cycles - it is like a weight has lifted off me. I talked to JourneyMan about it as well as my Mum and cried floods but I think in shining a light on those deep, dark feelings within me - the shadows have up and fled.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments - I appreciate each and every one of you, you are so helpful and supportive.

Today, my Mum and Dad dropped in briefly and of course my Dad said about JBB 'he's a little miracle' as he does every time that he sees him. This time it didn't piss me off because deep down I didn't think I deserved it. I just smiled and agreed - he sure is and I am his Mum!!

Counselling...

Last week I had a session with a counsellor provided through the local council for new parents. This week, JourneyMan joined me. It has been quite illuminating though tonight I am quite sad.

I have been exploring the reasons why I have been crying so often recently - I knew that there was a reason underneath and it seems we are pretty close to finding out why. Last week we talked about how to handle when strangers ask about who JBB looks like without lying and also about how I may not have fully grieved not having my own biological children. I thought that I had so it did not completely ring true for me. We did talk about how I have a coping mechanism that is probably harming my ability to get past things at the moment. Anytime I even think of something 'bad' about being a mother - ie. sleep deprivation, worry etc I immediately have to think 'But I am absolutely grateful to be a mother'. It has become quite a compulsion and she said that she thought that it was harming my ability to move past these small issues. The other thing that I realised was that I am constantly on edge for JourneyMan to say 'well you wanted to be a mother, you just have to deal with it'. Of course, thankfully when I voiced this concern to JourneyMan, he allayed my fears and I felt quite relieved.

Today the counsellor asked us to talk about our failed IVF cycles because she thought that the source of my getting upset had it roots from this time. I am going to explore it a bit more on here because I think that I have finally uncovered where the issue is. We talked about the first cycle.

So, how did we start IVF in the first place? As JourneyMan had had a vasectomy, we thought that he would simply be able to get it reversed and pouf, pregnant! JourneyMan went to see the GP and got a referral to a specialist - this was even before we were married. We both went to see the specialist and when we were checking in with the receptionist, she said 'we always put fertility treatments in the name of the female'. I was floored at this point and looked questioningly at JourneyMan - he shrugged. We filled out the forms and went and sat in the waiting room - 'fertility - are we at the right place?' we whispered to each other - we were very confused, were we there for JourneyMan to have a vasectomy reversal, what the hell did fertility have to do with it? Oh how naive we were!!

The appointment was very strange - he said that JourneyMan could have a vasectomy reversal and we would wait approximately 6-12 months for the chance of getting pregnant or we could got with an IVF cycle straight away doing a needle biopsy on JourneyMan and use ICSI. I remember discussing it on the way home in the car and JourneyMan's initial reaction was that he didn't want to conceive a child via IVF because of the stigma attached, I didn't mind that but it was the waiting that bothered me the most. After having the tests and speaking to the specialist again and many long discussions, we decided that we would pursue IVF. By this time we had gotten married, had our honeymoon and a few months to consider all of our options. When we decided on IVF, we had to jump through all of the hoops until we were finally ready to actually start the cycle.

The whole process was strange. The counselling that was mandatory was a joke, it didn't deal with any of the issues but was just more of a 'check this box and sign off that you understand' type of situation. I devoured every piece of information that I could but I still felt like I was in a foreign country and couldn't speak the language - it was confusing as hell. I look back at the person that I was at the beginning of that cycle and barely recognise her - she was an optimist, she was a positive thinker, she thought that things always turned out for the best, she believed in herself, she had survived some stuff in her life but was courageous and faced up to challenges.

I approached the cycle with supreme optimism. There was a scary moment when the pur.egon pen did not work correctly and I panicked and called the specialist. It was weird doing the injections but I was not unused to them considering I had to have Clex.ane injections when I went overseas. I was sure that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant on the first go, after all, I was a positive thinker and did everything that was asked of me.

When the call came to cancel the cycle, I was in the car park at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I asked them to repeat the news at least a couple of times. I felt lost, devastated, confused, hurt. I didn't know what to do with myself. I called JourneyMan and his main response was that we could try again. I feel that I changed on that day. I felt like my soul had been slapped, hard. It was so unexpected. I searched for meaning, I tried to think of what I had done wrong, I looked everywhere for a reason.

The next cycle started around 6 weeks after the last one. Christmas and New Year happened in between, with me of course dreaming that the following Christmas I would have a baby in my arms. I had convinced myself that the first cycle was just a trial run, they just had not found the right drug dosage - everything would be fine the next go. I approached the next cycle with a lot less positivity. I was cautious and once again disappointed to find out that I only had 3 follicles. We still went to egg pick up and JourneyMan had the needle biopsy. The hospital is a bit like a battery hen farm - you could see all of the couples who were also getting their eggs farmed, most of us, hopeful and trying to recover from the procedure. The doctor came to see JourneyMan and I and told us that they retrieved no eggs. Once again, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, I felt unworthy, I felt like I wasn't a proper woman.

I had never cried like I did on that day (though I have done so since). I howled like an animal, I felt like my soul was torn. I can't remember that day without crying, in fact I am crying now - the hurt is still there. I think that those two cycles altered who I am.

Fast forward to now. I think that the reason that I am afraid of people commenting on JBB not looking like me is not because I don't want to explain that he is a donor egg baby but because there is still some feeling that I am not worthy of being his mother, that I don't deserve it because I am not a proper woman. My Dad constantly comments that JBB is a 'little miracle' and he certainly is but I noticed that whenever he said that, I would get annoyed. I think mainly because I feel like I don't deserve this beautiful miracle.

This has been hard to write but I am doing so in hopes that it will help me heal. Needless to say, I am going to continue the counselling - I need to heal these IVF shaped holes in my heart.

Secret Keeper

That is what I feel like - a keeper of secret moments between JBB and I. JourneyMan is visiting with his nephew tonight (I saw his cutieness yesterday) and I have just come back from JBB's room realising just how lucky I am. I mean, it's not as if I didn't know, I surely did but tonight it has gone deeper within me, I have felt more grateful than I have ever felt before. So what happened to cause this revelation? Nothing much. I have been working on my Christmas list with JBB in bed when he woke up and started squeaking (not really crying, just complaining a little), I let him got for a little to see if he settled himself but he didn't so I went in and picked him up and sang his sleepy song (you've got a friend). As I was singing to him, he gave me some gorgeous smiles as he usually does. He settled pretty much straight away and I put him back in to the cot.

How lucky am I that I was able to comfort this little miracle? The privilege of this takes my breath away. These are the secret moments of a mother - knowing how to comfort JBB, being able to distinguish the difference between the cry of hunger from the cry to be comforted. Learning what makes him smile and laugh (the first time that he laughed was when I made an ooooooooh sound with a funny face - he is easily pleased), choosing to entertain and play with him rather than empty the dishwasher. Knowing what songs that he likes to hear (most of them made up by me - one day I sang nearly every word to him all day). Seeing his face light up in the morning when I sing his good morning song.

This motherhood caper is such a learning experience, every day I learn something new about this little boy - how to entertain him, how to comfort him, how to make him smile, how to make him laugh - it the best thing ever!!

I am dreading going back to work - I want to be the one that still holds these secrets but unfortunately I am going to miss some of the firsts of the things that he does. I don't know how I am going to deal with that but I am not going to worry about that now, for the moment I am the keeper of secret moments.

The Donor Egg Mother (Part 2)

This is the belated second part of the post that I did a couple of weeks ago - it still has been bubbling around within me. As usual, I would like to put in the disclaimer that there is nothing that I am more grateful in my life than JBB, every day, I am shocked with how much I love him more and more. This is not about being grateful, this is about something underneath, something that I don't think that I have quite dealt with yet.

JourneyMan and I went to the final session of our council run 'Baby Makes 3' course on Thursday night. Both of us have found this course quite wonderful, it has given us plenty to talk about and work out as well as some great ideas to help us as a family going forwards. As part of the final wrap up, the facilitators handed out the number of a counsellor that we could go and see individually or as a couple if we so chose to. After the course, I went to ask the facilitator privately if I could discuss my situation regarding JBB being a donor egg baby with the cousellor. She, of course, said that it was fine but what shocked me was that I started crying. Poor old JourneyMan didn't know what the hell was up because I was fine the previous minute before. I rushed him off to the car and started sobbing. The crazy thing is, I don't really know myself though I am starting to have an inkling.

I guess it started when JourneyMan's Aunt asked me at lunch 'Oh, JBB's skin is so beautiful and dark, where did he get that from?'. I wasn't prepared for a question framed in that way and when I said that JBB is a donor egg baby, she seemed a little embarrassed and quickly changed the subject. Then last week I was over at a girlfriend's for lunch and there were a few gals there who were all commenting on how much on each others' new babies were starting to look like them - you know, things like 'oh, so and so is really starting to look like you around the eyes now'. Strangely enough and as a bit of a side point, I have never been able to see that a baby looks like a parent or not. Anyway, this has happened a few times and each time the same thoughts run through my head. Firstly, I hear - 'that will never happen to me', which is quickly followed by 'who cares?', which then leads on to 'is there some part of me that cares - why would I bring this up to myself?' and then I start to feel guilty and beat myself up a bit. This goes round and round for a while.

I talked to JourneyMan about this the other night and he was wonderful - he is completely heartfelt in his knowledge that he understands that I am not saying that there is anything wrong with my bond with JBB or that I am anything less that esctatic about having JBB in our family - he knows that I am just trying to express myself so that I can find out what the feeling is underneath the tears.

I am now wondering about whether I have not completely grieved being able to have my own biological child or whether it is simply that I have not prepared myself for the situations that I have been placed in or could it even just be hormones. In some respects I do feel very alone because there are very few people that understand my situation. I am definitely a person that likes to be prepared for situations and how I would like to handle them. In some ways I am disappointed with myself that I didn't think to prepare myself for these earlier but I can't beat myself up too much, I have been very busy chasing after that little wigglemunch, JBB!!

Okay - so I kind of feel better about this going forward. I am going to try this as a plan:

1. If people ask where JBB got his beautiful skin (surprisingly this is asked fairly often cos honestly, he has the most divine skin you have ever seen - thankfully not my freckled version and JourneyMan, well, he has skin of the very pale variety!!), I am going to openly say that he is a donor egg baby who is our beloved miracle. I will be open to questions and will happily answer them but if the person seems to be embarrassed, I will be happy to answer anything that anyone has to ask.

2. When people are talking about their own children, and how they look like them, I am going to remember our beautiful holiday to Thailand that we had to have our darling boy. I am going to look closely at my gorgeous son, I am going to search his features and see if there is anything I would change about him because I know with absolute 100% certainty, there is nothing I would change - he is one of the reasons that I rejoice every day. I am going to hold that precious gift of his presence in my heart and smile knowingly to myself that when my friends, family or anyone else are looking at their children and seeing themselves - I will look at my JBB and see a beautiful miracle that I am priveleged to behold.

I am sure that I am going to trip over these situations more in the future but I am not afraid of looking at them now.

It has been a tough week for my darling JourneyMan. His Nanna died on Tuesday morning. She was a wonderfully warm and beautiful woman. We were lucky enough to see her last Saturday when they called all of the family in. JourneyMan was able to sit with her and spend some time showing off JBB to her - it was very special. My heart has hurt for him as he loved his Nanna dearly.

News (and another cute pic!!)

Well, we are trying for some semblance of a routine at the moment and (cross your fingers) it seems to be going pretty well. We are only talking at night - his days are still pretty much up in the air but nights are pretty good. He starts winding down at 7pm with a bath (with Mum), a massage (from Dad), a story, a feed and then to sleep - generally between 7:30-8pm. I then wake him up gently for a top up feed at 11pm (read about doing this in a book and it seems to work) and then he sleeps through to between 5:30-6:30pm. It's nice to have a small bit of a routine after the chaos (blissfully wonderful chaos!!) of the past month.

That brings me on to an issue that I have been feeling. JourneyMan, JBB and I are currently attending a local council run course called 'Baby Makes 3' for new parents. Since I believe in trying anything to see if it works, we attended the first of 3 sessions last Thursday. It was excellent and has made for some interesting (and some heated) discussions between JourneyMan and I. At the course, I realised that I had been holding back from saying anything negative about having JBB - basically because I didn't think that I had any right to because of what we went through to have him.

There is not anything really negative, it is just that some days can be pretty challenging and my goodness, the worry - both JourneyMan and I have not been able to help ourselves from checking the little popsicle is breathing - sometimes he is so quiet it is scary. I absolutely 100% know that I am lucky and I am completely grateful for the gift that we have been given but does that mean that I can't express my feelings? I had also avoided doing it on this blog because I know that many, many people out there are continuing to fight the battle of IF and I don't want to be insensitive to their plight. I would love it if anyone could help me out with some advice here!!

I do feel stressed at the moment. JourneyMan lost his job a couple of weeks ago and it is getting to the point where if he doesn't get something soon, I might have to ask if I can go back to work earlier. I know that it is crazy but I feel a bit like that the price that I have to pay for having my dream come true is that I have to go back to work and not be with my gorgeous boy for all of his 'firsts' and to nurture and care for him. That being said, JourneyMan does have a few good prospects on the go at the moment and I am hopeful that he will be able to secure something very soon!!

News about JBB - he is 5.2kg's (11lb's) now and growing very well. He has the most beautiful skin I have ever seen. He is now smiling in response to us and laughing as well - my sister and I call him the time muncher because we can spend hours trying to make him smile and laugh. JourneyMan and I both read to him everday - mainly books that we are reading ourselves but also some children's books too. I love singing to him - though my voice is terrible, poor kid!! Despite the stress, despite the tiredness, despite any minor niggle that there is in my life - I feel absolute and utter joy every day - I mean who wouldn't looking at this face.....

Quick Pic

I couldn't resist posting this Cutie McCuterson pic of JBB..... Will post soon (and do some hard core reading - I am so behind on the news!!)

The Donor Egg Mother

This post has been bubbling away in me for awhile but I have waited and waited to post it basically because I don't really know how to express myself about it. I have having a tough time articulating my feelings here but I have decided to just go ahead and see what comes out.

There is a lingering feeling of 'what the?' about being a 'Donor Egg Mother'. It is not that I feel separate from JBB, I don't - I couldn't love him any more than I do - I love him with a ferocious, protective passion. It is not that I care that he doesn't look like me, he looks like my fabulous husband which is a wonderfully beautiful thing to me. JBB is beautifully perfect in every way - why would I want to change him?

I think it is because of the label 'Donor Egg Mother'. Why do I feel the need to label myself so when I really am just 'Mother'? I think that the problem here is myself because it plays on that age old fear within me that I never fit in anywhere - maybe I even relish this fact because it is comfortable. Even though I have plenty of friends who are Mum's there is no-one in my life who can exactly relate to how I am feeling.

There is also an element of fear that JBB will be angry because of the choices that we made. I know that it sounds irrational but what if he ends up hating me because of the lengths that we went to to have him?

I also feel some fear about telling our gorgeous JBB. How can we ensure that he understands how his life began? How can we ensure that he understand that we would do anything to bring him into our lives and that he is no different from any other boy?

Sorry, gotta go - JBB is ready to eat!! Will continue this post later (and will update you on how JourneyMan has lost his job - stress city here I tell you!!).

Another reason for Thailand again in July 2011

I have to be super quick as JBB seems to have a sixth sense for when I pick up the computer - he loves to wake up and demand to be fed!! The days have been all JBB all the time lately because although he has been sleeping well at night, he doesn't settle well during the day unless he is in my arms (I can't say that I don't like it because I could hold and stare at him for hours though it does get a bit difficult to get something to eat or even to visit the ladies!!). He is in bed right now so I am hoping for a quick post.

Thanks to all for your comments on our decision to go back to Thailand in 2011 to try for JBBS (Journey Baby Boy's Sibling - thanks Lifeslurper!!). Another reason that I would like to do this asap is that I would like the whole IF experience behind us. I know that sounds awful but over the past few weeks I have started to think about all the things that I will need to do in the lead up to Thailand. I need to get fit again (I have a goal to do a 15km run in April next year) and lose weight (I put on ALOT during the pregnancy with JBB), I will go back to Bikram yoga in the new year, we will need to get the money together for the trip, I will have to start back on the castor oil packs every second day, I will need to go to acupuncture each week and have the stinky herbs, I will need to have my 1 litre of fertility tea each day, I will need to start skin brushing again to detox my body - I am a little bit tired just thinking about it all again. Plus, I also don't want to miss a minute of JBB's life.

That's why I want it over with. Unless we win the lottery, we are only going to go for 2 children so it would be good to have our family all done and dusted. As some of you may remember, we didn't get any embryo's for the freezer last time so we will have to do the whole thing again from scratch. To preempt a question that many people have asked us, no - we won't be using the same donor. There are two main reasons why. Firstly, it would be unlikely that she would be available at the time when we would like to have a new cycle and secondly, JBB was the only viable embryo from the 18 eggs that the donor produced - my thought is 'what if next time there isn't even one?'.

I feel that I have recovered a little from the IF experience - although the bitter laugh that escapes me when my GP, OB and maternal health nurse asked what we are doing about contraception shows that some wounds still linger. However, then the thought of getting ready for Thailand and going again brings back the scary doubts and literal horror I feel at not acheiving a BFP from another cycle. There is also some part of me that still wrestles with the small hope that maybe if I had of had the blood thinning injections in the previous cycles with my own eggs - could I have gotten pregnant that way? Should we try another cycle here before we head to Thailand? 99.9% of the time I think 'no' basically because it was not really about implantation for me, it was the fact that I didn't respond to the drugs and that my ovaries couldn't seem to mature more than one egg at a time even if they were taken out of my body and beaten into submission but there does exist that small hope.

I actually don't really understand that small part of myself either because when I look at JBB and there is no chance of him looking like me, I don't care - especially when he recognises my voice and gives me a smile or when someone else is holding him and he won't settle and then I take him and sing to him and he settles beautifully and when I know from how he is crying what he wants. I am his Mum and I couldn't give a fat rats clacker whether he looks like me or not. The pragmatic part of me thinks 'what difference would it make if a child was from my egg?' to which the answer is absolutely nothing. Therefore, why would I try again with my own eggs with little or no chance or try in Thailand with a donor and have a 50%+ chance? After all, it wasn't as if it was only one cycle we tried with my own eggs, it was 5 cycles during which time we got bugger all embryo's to transfer (3 to be exact).

Okay - sorry this post has been all over the place - it is a bit of a stream of consciousness. Gotta go people - JBB is stirring!!!

Time is marching on!!

Cripes - I realised that I hadn't posted in 3 weeks, honestly - it felt like only 3 days ago time is moving so quickly!! Motherhood is wonderful, I am loving every minute of it and JBB is growing like a little weed!!

He has started to smile which is absolutely heart melting and I am constantly trying to make him smile all the time which I am sure is quite exhausting for him. He has teased us a few times with some long sleeps - one night he slept for 6 hours and one night he slept for 7 hours (which was bliss!!) but for the most part he is sleeping for around 3-4 hours at a time.

I feel like I have settled in to motherhood now. At the beginning I was worried every minute that I was doing something wrong or that I was going to hurt him. Now that things have settled down a bit, I am feeling more confident that I can settle him if he is crying or attend to whatever need that he has at a time. I am starting to trust myself with him a bit more.

We have also started talking about when we are going back to Thailand to get a little brother or sister for JBB and we are hoping to go back in July next year - whoo hoo, I am very excited!! JourneyMan couldn't believe that I wanted to do it so quickly but there are some practical reasons to get moving so soon - firstly, I am going to be turning 40 next year and I would like to be pregnant again before I hit the big four O. Secondly, the OB has said that your body stays more prepared for another pregnancy for 12 months after the birth of the first one so as always, I would like to give myself the best chance of conceiving so that is the main reason that we will go back.

The days seem to speed by at the moment - I have had a lot on and I am hoping that it will settle down a bit over the next month. I think that JBB and I have been going out a bit too much lately - I am going to try to stay home a bit more over the next month. I think that after not driving for 6 weeks, I got a bit carried away and started going out to too many places!! I went to the OB at 6 weeks and all was excellent, which was great.

I did have a momentous occasion at 6 weeks - I was able to stop the blood thinning injections. Whoo hooo - that was a great day since I had been having hte daily injections since November and I was pretty over it (though I do think it was a critical factor in the success of my conception and pregnancy of JBB so I will not complain too much!!). Now I only take my vitamins every day which is lovely!

I took JBB in to work on Wednesday and boy was he a show stopper. He had bit smiles for all the girls - I think he is going to be a heart breaker for sure!!

Well, I have to catch up on some reading - I promise to post more often!!

JBB is one month old today!

Wow, what a month it's been - it has been the best month of my life!! Our gorgeous little popsicle is really running our lives and it is absolutely wonderful!!

We had a great day today - we had a family walk this morning. It was great to have time to catch up and chat with JourneyMan, it has been completely hectic and most of the time we are feeding, settling, changing or playing with the little one or else we are sleeping. We then went out for lunch and in the afternoon worked on JBB's baby book. It has been a wonderful and challenging month.

One month ago today, they showed me little JBB - the image of him covered in the amniotic fluid is etched in my mind and will be forever. I can't even explain the feeling that I had at that moment. It was definitley overwhelming relief and joy but there was also a surreal and shocked feeling as well.

I cannot believe that work that it takes to take care of this little bundle. I have had some frustrated moments but at those times I think of the times that I dreamed of being in this position. I definitely think that the IF journey has made me appreciate this wonderful journey more - especially as it can be quite challenging.

Breastfeeding has been a challenge. There has been a number of times when JBB has been screaming because I haven't got enough milk so I have to give him formula. At those times, I can't help but feel like a bit of a failure even though I said to myself that if I couldn't breastfeed, I wouldn't beat myself up. I just want to give JBB the best in life. I am going to keep trying to breastfeed as much as possible and try to get more of a supply going so that he will not go hungry.

I have another maternal health nurse appointment tomorrow. I can definitely see that he has grown and put on weight over the past 2 weeks so I think it will be good tomorrow.

Goodbye Powderfinger!

If you will allow me a small diversion from the main subject of this blog - I have to say goodbye to my favourite band, Powderfinger. They are an Aussie band who I have loved for many years and seen in concert numerous times - their music has also been the soundtrack to many of the moments in my life. They are on their final tour of Australia and will break up following the tour - booooo.

My bestie, my younger sister and I went to one of their farewell concerts last Saturday - it was a fabulously fun night, though I have to admit to not looking forward to it that much cos I was SOOOOO tired. My bestie got the tickets for us months and months ago - we knew it would only be 3 weeks after the ceasar but we just had to say goodbye to them. We were all pretty misery guts turning up to the concert - all of us were tired and couldn't really be bothered but I tell you as soon as the band came on, we were pumped - it was a fantastic concert!!

Some Powderfinger songs that evoke memories for me:

* My bestie and I went to an information night on trekking to Mt Everest base camp in Nepal - they played the song Passenger to a slideshow of pics of Everest:

If you want to be a passenger

Climb aboard with me, we're leaving now

Step outside and see, another world

Only if you want to be a passenger

* When we were in Nepal, we had a very tough hiking day out of a little place called Namche Bazaar - my bestie and I realised on this day just how tough our little 'holiday' was going to be. I was listening to my portable cd player at the time - MP3's not being invented yet!! This song (Already Gone) always reminds me of that momumental day:

You've been working all your life

All weekends and overtime

All these things just pass you by

You can relate, to the leisured life

* I was single for a long time and at times despaired of meeting a man to love and who would love me - the song 'These Days' always went through my head over and over at these times.

This life well it's slipping right through my hands

These days turned out nothing like I had planned

* I trained walking for hours and hours for the 100km in 48 hour charity walk and the song Thrillology always reminds me of this time (especially of getting up at 4am and walking 25km to work - the thought of it now, my goodness!!) - Completing that walk is still one of my proudest achievements.

I'm feeling richer, I'm feeling taller

I feel like every time I try to fit the picture

I've got to keep up, with all the others

Looking for whatever we were never to discover

* When I met JourneyMan and we started dating, Bless my Soul was the song that kept on running through my head

Colour me with red and gold

Your sweet love has blessed my soul

* When JourneyMan and I got married, our first dance was to the Bernard Fanning (lead singer of Powderfinger) song Watch Over Me

When trouble fills my world, you bring me peace

You calm me down, your my release

When walls come crashing down around my feet

You light my way, your my release

* When amidst the trauma of IF - the song 'Nobody Sees' was the soundtrack in my head

Nobody knows just how it feels today

Nobody sees how our hearts break

Saturday night was absolutely wonderful but my favourite concert of all time was one that my bestie and I went to years ago - she surprised me with tickets for my birthday and honestly, one of the best presents of all time (my best present is JBB who I consider as my birthday present this year!!).

Thanks for the memories, Powderfinger!!

The Physical Impact of Motherhood.

I felt like I was pretty prepared to be a mother. I thought that I had read heaps of books and had talked to as many mothers as I knew to get a picture of what motherhood was about. One thing that I didn't understand was the physical impact of motherhood.

Over the past 10 years, I have been pretty fit and I have set and achieved many physical challenges over this time. I have competed in 5K, 10K runs and even a half marathon. I even hiked up to Everest base camp in Nepal with my bestie. However, the biggest physical challenge that I ever participated in was a 100km (62 miles) walk over 48 hours. It was a walk for charity and I competed in a team with my sister in law and a couple of her friends. We trained for it for 6 months and it was absolutely full on.

The 100km culminated in the last 10km climbing up a mountain (not that we have very big mountains in Australia but it was a mountain nonetheless). As long as you walked through each check point - you could leave the course and have a rest at any time, which we did on the first night. We had walked for 14 hours that day and went to my brother's place (which was close to the course) and 'slept' - I use inverted comma's here because basically all I did was lie there for a couple of hours feeling my whole body throbbing.

So, why am I telling you this story? The other night, I got up to feed JBB at around 3am - generally he is feeding a couple of times during the night so I am not really having more than around 2 hours of sleep in a row at any one time (JourneyMan was feeding him expressed milk for one of the night feeds for a while so that I could get a bit more sleep but the maternal health nurse put the kaibosh on that saying that I would reduce my breast milk if I continued to do this regularly). Once I had fed JBB, I went back to bed at about 4am and tried to go back to sleep. As I lay in bed, I realised that my body felt like that night that I was in the middle of the charity walk - the whole thing was throbbing.

It is quite amazing the toll that this motherhood caper can take on your body. That being said though, I look at JBB's peaceful sleeping face and the tiredness and throbbing, exhausted body is forgotten.

It also hasn't helped that I was completely inactive throughout the pregnancy - I am going to have to start getting (slowly) back into shape. I am hoping that the weather is nice on Monday - I am going to venture out for a walk with JBB, just a small one, to see how I go!

Barely time to scratch myself + a quick view of JBB (be quick - it won't last!!)

Hi All,

I am sorry that I haven't been commenting - I have got a lot of catching up on blogs to do but I have barely had time to scratch myself just recently. Yesterday I had to ask my Mum to come around for an hour or so, so that I could have a shower!! Our little bundle of joy has been running me ragged. I have had a bit of trouble breastfeeding and today I attended a full day workshop at the hospital with a lactation consultant and now have a bit more confidence back. I lost my confidence when JBB lost weight - I will still be nervous until he gets weighed again next Monday but for the moment, I am going to try to trust that all is okay.

It is very intense, this parenting game. Intense but wonderful. It has been pretty hard with JourneyMan going back to work so quickly and trying to recover from the ceasarean. Much of the time I feel alone and that I need to cope on my own, that part is quite tough - though JourneyMan has been really good with helping out with a feed over night, I really need his help around the house a bit more. That being said - my time with JBB is absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world - I was watching when he learned to blurt, I have learnt how to calm him, I saw when he first smiled, he has fallen asleep on my chest. I am providing him love, comfort and nutrition - honestly, I am the luckiest person in the world.

One thing I will tell you that has moved me greatly when we were in the hospital. JourneyMan and I were marvelling over this perfect little boy who has come in to our lives and JourneyMan said to me 'thank you for all of the work that you did to find out about Thailand, if you hadn't of done all of that research and work, we wouldn't have JBB'. This brought tears to my eyes - it was absolutely wonderful to know that JourneyMan appreciated that I hadn't given up, that I had researched, planned and actioned our Thailand plan - it meant the world to me to hear those words.

Here is a little pic of our JBB - check it out because I don't think that I will keep it up on the blog for long!!

Nothing can prepare you!

Firstly, thanks to all for you comments and best wishes - both JourneyMan and I are touched by your lovely words and thoughts!

Secondly, let me bring you up to date on what has been happening. We are finally home from the hospital but not without a little drama. We had a private room at the hospital which was lovely and Journeyman stayed in the hospital the whole time. He has been absolutely wonderful and has been there helping and supporting me unbelievably well.

On Thursday after the ceasar, we had a few visitors in the afternoon, my Mum, Dad and younger sister dropped by, then JourneyMan's mum and youngest sister came, my bestie dropped by and then we had my older sister and her 3 boys who were absolutely fascinated to see JBB. I thought that I would be a bit overwhelmed to have visitors but I was thrilled to show him off!! We did bundle the visitors out whenever I needed to feed JBB though, I couldn't have done that in front of everyone.

I wasn't out of bed until Friday when they took out the catheter and drip and it was pretty painful to get to the shower first up. The mid-wife helped me to the shower and then I was able to get myself washed, though she did give me some help getting dressed. It was great on Friday to start really taking care of our little bundle - honestly, I have never been so happy in my life!! My bestie dropped in again on Friday night which was wonderful.

Saturday and Sunday went by with more visitors and learning how to take care of JBB more and more. I must confess that by this point, I had not changed a nappy, JourneyMan had done them all - he is amazing! We weren't getting much sleep as we were up changing and feeding but we were still euphoric so it didn't matter how tired we were! We were really happy on Sunday night because we would be going home the next day and were really looking forward to getting home and starting our family life in our house.

Sunday night was horrible. JBB was up all night screaming. There was nothing that we could do to comfort him, he had been fed, changed, rocked, sung to - everything we could think of. I checked in my book to see if there was something we were missing. I called the mid-wife in to see if she had any ideas, she basically said that there was nothing further we could do. This frustrated the hell out of me because he really was screaming and I really thought that it must be because there was something wrong. Nothing can prepare you for a night like that. I felt so powerless because he was upset and nothing I did gave him any comfort - it was terrible.

Finally the morning rolled around and before we left, had to be weighed. This was when we found out that he had lost more than 10% of his body weight at birth. I immediately started crying - I felt like a failure, I had been starving my son, no wonder he was up screaming all night. The obstetritian came to see us and I told him about some clots that I had passed the day before (TMI but they were almost as big as my fist) and he suspected that I had an infection. He suggested that we would probably need to stay for another night because of JBB's weight and my infection.

I was devastated, I really wanted to go home and I just couldn't stop crying because I really felt that I had starved my baby. They told me to start expressing my breast milk to give JBB some top up's at each feed and when I called my mum and sobbed to her about it - she was ropable because she said that the mid-wife should have at least suggested trying out a feed of formula when JBB had not slept all night on Sunday night - she was going to come in and give her a piece of her mind but I told her not to.

I saw the lactation specialist on Monday and she told me that I definitely had enough milk coming through so JBB should be getting enough to eat but clearly that wasn't happening. By Monday afternoon, I realised through expressing that I was getting less and less milk as the day went on - I felt like I was seriously under pressure because I wasn't getting enough milk and I didn't want JBB to lose any more weight - I also didn't want to have to stay another night in the hospital which there was a very real risk of. I called in the day midwife and had a chat to her and asked if we could start a top up of formula from the next feed on - she was absolutely wonderful and came up with a great plan and really talked me down from blaming myself - it was a great relief.

JourneyMan then had to go home because he was working on Tuesday and we needed my Mum to come and pick me up so he dropped our car off (with the baby seat) to my Mum so she could come in in the morning. Journeyman rode back in on his motorbike. On Sunday night I came back to the room after being in the breastfeeding room with the lactation consultant and practically all of JourneyMan's family were there - I nearly had a heart attack - I'd had a very trying day after a night of no sleep, I didn't think I could handle it. I left JBB with them so they could visit with him and I went back to the breastfeeding room to do some milk expressing. When I came back, I felt better and had a good visit with them - though Journeyman didn't let them stay to long which was much appreciated.

On Monday night, I got up every 3 hours to feed JBB and express milk - I didn't get more than an hour to 90 mins of sleep in a row that night as I wanted JourneyMan to have a full night's sleep as he had to work the next day. Finally, 5am rolled around again and we called for JBB to get weighed - we waited with bated breath and to our great relief, he had put on 150grams - quite a big amount in one day I am told (they hope that at this point they are gaining around 200g a week!!). We were esctatic - we were going home!!!

The Journey to JourneyBabyBoy

Not surprisingly, I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night - I woke about every hour and by 3am there was no going back to sleep for me. I read until 4am and then got up and had a bath. I was in desperate need of some hair maintenance (the shaving of some and the washing, drying and straightening of others!). I was ready by 5am and JourneyMan was just starting to get ready. JourneyDog sat with me for a cuddle on the couch while we waited.

Despite being up early, I wasn't overly nervous - it did feel very surreal, the fact that the next time I was home I would have JBB with me and that I would finally see him that day, it was a weird feeling. We dropped JourneyDog off at my Mum and Dad's place (my Mum couldn't sleep either so she was up to give me a big hug before we went to the hospital. We had an uneventful drive to the hospital and checked in at around 6:15am. I then changed into the hospital gown and jumped (not literally) into the bed. We had quite long wait - we weren't going in to the operating theatre until 8am.

After much waiting, we were finally wheeled into the operating theatre at 8am. JourneyMan waited outside while I was given the spinal block. This was not my favourite experience of the day - it hurt, quite a bit. I think they hit a few nerves because I would get what felt like an electric shocks through areas on my legs, bottom and back. I couldn't hold back the tears - at first it was because it hurt but once I started, I had trouble stopping. I felt really stupid but everyone was really nice to me. Finally, they were able to get the spinal block working and I was laid down. I practised some yoga breathing and got myself back together and they led JourneyMan into the theatre. As soon as JourneyMan got there though, I started crying again and kept saying to him 'I don't know why I'm crying'. Thinking back now, I think it was a release of all the emotions of the past few years of IVF cycles and through the pregnancy - mainly I think relief to finally be there.

JourneyMan was a darling soothing me and making me laugh and honestly, the ceasarean itself was one of the stranger experiences of my life. There was lots of pulling and pushing but certainly no pain. Quicker than I ever imagined they told JourneyMan to stand up and see JBB being born. The next thing that I heard was JBB crying and that was it - the tears started again and did not stop for a long time - that I know was sweet, sweet relief to hear my son - it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. They brought him over while they cleaned him up and cleared his lungs and whilst he was a covered with goo, he was the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen in my life.

They let me hold him whilst they stitched everything back into place - they were able to do the horizontal incision - yes!!! My OB said it was a text book ceasar - whoo hoo! Too quickly they took JBB away and JourneyMan went with them while they weighed and measured and I went to recovery. All I could think of in recovery was that I couldn't wait to get back to see my boys. After around 40 minutes, I was wheeled back to the room to be reunited with JourneyMan and JBB - I have never been happier in my life, it is my best day.

Thank you to you all for your lovely comments and best wishes, you are all fabulous!!

JourneyMan writes...First son of a first son of a first son.

Here it is!!! I am reminded of this phrase Paul Roos said after Sydney's recent Grand Final win. Now that we are at the end of a long and arduous journey to get JBB,

JourneyGirl's ceaserean was completed over a half hour period. I had this time to sit with JBB on my chest and I was quite content to sit him in the crook of my neck while he stretched and slept and I could have sat there for hours.

I was wondering how I would feel about JBB being conceived with a donor egg, once he had been born. Now that I have met him, I just see my boy and feel a well of love and emotion for him, nothing enters my mind other than his care; the same as if we had conceived him normally. I am very happy with this, I was sure I would love him the same, it is a relief that it has turned out this way.

I would not want to contemplate the emotional state we would be in, had JBB not come along. I know JourneyGirls life is complete in a way it would not have been without JBB, born 6 pouns 8 ounces 835am 19th aug 2010 AEST.

My daydreams are filled with giving him worldly sage-like advice, teaching him to kick a footy & helping him become a loved well rounded person.

JD told me that when we went to the hospital I could stay with her the whole 5 days after JBBs birth. I secretly wondered how I could sneak away for some foxtel & JourneyDog time. Since JBB has been born all I can think about is holding him & listening to his gurgles and assorted baby sounds. Last night I only put him back in his cot because I started to fall asleep and did not want to hurt him.

Originally I was nonplussed about whether I had children or not, I could take it or leave it. Now I am marvelling at JBB and I am glad I did not miss out on the love he has brought to our family.

I thank you all so much for the kinds words & advice to help JourneyGirl along, the best thing for someone worried about the worst outcome is to have some good people to talk through issues with, I think the blogging and support of blog readers has given JG an important outlet for her concerns. Love to all JM.

Twas the night before the ceasar.....

Yay - we made it - this time tomorrow, we will have our darling JBB in our arms - we are just SOOOOO excited but I must admit that it is pretty surreal. I was talking to my bestie tonight and we were thinking about all that has happened and now our day is finally here. After 6 IVF cycles, 2 laparoscopies for me and a vasectomy reversal for JourneyMan, a lap band surgery for me, 40kg's of weight loss, a trip to Thailand, acupuncture and natural therapies without count and 9 months of pregnancy - we are here!! It is very, very surreal and I am very nervous about the ceasar but I am focussed on that moment when they put JBB in my arms - I am beside myself to meet him.

The past couple of days have been wonderful, in fact the past 5 weeks since I have left work have been a lovely saionara to my fancy free days - I have savoured every minute. I am happy to wave goodbye to those days and am looking forward to my new challenge - motherhood!!

I expect that JourneyMan will do the next update to let you know how everything went - thanks again for all of your good wishes my friends!!

3 more sleeps!!

Gosh, so very, very close now - how can I be more excited, I definitely can't, that's for sure - I am so excited to see our JBB!! Thank you to you all for your lovely comments - they mean so much to me!!

Sleep is at a premium right now (and no doubt from Thursday as well!!) even though I don't need to get up to go to the loo, I am having a tough time getting comfortable and I am waking up every 1-2 hours so the quality is not quite there. Oh well - only three of those left anyone and I am still going to be pretty uncomfortable sleeping after the ceasar, I guess so I will just have to suck it up. I do normally sleep on my back so I am looking forward to being able to do that again.

I had a very restful day yesterday, mainly reading and watching trashy TV which was nice then JourneyMan and I went to the movies which was really fun. Today, I did a massive housecleaning and did all of the washing so there really is barely a cracker to do for the next few days!

Tomorrow, I am taking my Mum, older sister and Auntie to the movies, out to lunch and then we have been given free birthday vouchers (all of our birthday's are in August - in fact, I am having JBB on my older sisters' birthday - she loves it!!) for facials - it should be a wonderfully relaxing and fun day!! On Wednesday, I am going out to a friends place for a girls lunch which should be fabulous though I don't know if I will be too tired after tomorrow, we shall see!!

Well, I am off to bed to get a really good night's sleep before the big day tomorrow!!

Whoo hooo - not long to go now!

5 more sleeps!!

The countdown is in full force!! Only 5 more sleeps to go, I am very, very excited!! I am also a little uncomfortable but that's okay, not long to go now!! At the last OB appointment on Monday, the doctor told me that I may have to have a classical ceasar - which means that the skin scar will be horizontal but the cut on my uterus will be vertical. He hopes to be able to do the horizontal incision on my uterus as well but may have to do the vertical due to the shape of my uterus - boooo. The effects of this are: the incision is harder to repair and is more likely to rupture in future pregnancies (OB said that they wouldn't let me go past 37 weeks in any future pregnancy) and more bleeding can result. I am very much hoping that he can do the horizontal incision on the uterus. I am trying not to worry too much about the operation part of the birth and focus on the result, the lovely JBB.

I had a lovely day with my bestie yesterday, we bobbed around in the pool for awhile chatting before we had a facial and then a delicious lunch - it was a wonderful day! I ended up going to the footy last night and JourneyMan, the fabulous husband, dropped us off and picked us up at the gate which made our lives much, much easier!! I am absolutely exhausted today so am having another day on the couch to rest up. I have a few fun things planned over the next few days, movie with JourneyMan and then lunch, movies and free facials with my mum, sister and auntie on Tuesday which should be fabulous!! I am busy, but not too busy which is really nice - I am making the most of the last few days of a child free life though I am very, very much looking forward to our lives changing forever in 5 short days - whoo hoo!!

One week to go!!!

Holy cow, people we are getting close now!! At this time in a week, our gorgeous JBB will be here and in our arms - whoo hooo, soooooo excited!!!

I am having a big rest day today, yesterday my Mum and older sister came over to help me out with the cookup and we did enough meals to last us for 3 weeks, the freezers are all completely full with healthy, nutritious meals - yay!! Gosh, it was a looooooonnnng day though and I was absolutely exhausted by the end of it. I also had some pretty bad cramps which made me a bit nervous but they were braxton hicks I believe - my sister and Mum said I would know if it was labour and thankfully they were right because it went away by the night.

So, today I am hitting the couch hard core to get some serious rest in. I have a busy day tommorow as I am off for a swim, facial and lunch with my bestie - I am really looking forward to spending the day with her - we used to travel together all of the time and when we were away we would float for hours in the pools just chatting - that's what I am really looking forward to, floating around, chatting with my mate!!

Tomorrow night I am off to the footy and then I don't have a huge amount planned for the weekend, just the market and brunch on Saturday and then some more couch time on Sunday.

I am all ready now. The hospital bag is all packed (though JourneyMan needs to pack his items!!), the house is ready, we are ready!!

Let the countdown begin - 7 more sleeps to go!!

The birthday festival!

It was my 39th birthday on Friday - it is very hard for me to say 39th because I am a little in the horrors that this is the last year of my 30's - what the?!?! Where has the time gone? One strange thing about turning 40 next year is that I remember very clearly the surprise party that my Dad threw for my Mum's 40th birthday - again, what the?!?!? My Mum had had four children before she turned 30 and I haven't even had my first and I am 39. Oh well, they do say that 40 is the new 30 - I will have to take the whole year to get used to that I tell you!!

Anyway - I had a lovely weekend. Friday was very nice - JourneyMan woke me up early on Friday to give me my presents - a book that I had wanted and one of those blankets with sleeves. These were perfect presents for me - I love anything that keeps me warm and comfortable and I looooooooove books so it was a very lovely start to the day. My Mum and I went out for brunch, as her birthday was on Saturday. As previously posted, we very nearly had 3 generations on the one day as my Mum's Mum birthday was also on the 7th August - we had a good chat at brunch remembering her, I miss her so much. It is such a shame that she never got to meet JBB.

On Friday night, we had a family dinner out for mine and Mum's birthday at a dumpling place that we had heard was good (I hate to say it, it was very disappointing) and it was great to catch up with everyone. On Saturday I went to the market with my Mum and sisters as usual though I had to get way more food as I am doing a big cookup of meals on Wednesday to put in the freezer (I am also getting a small additional freezer) for when JBB is born - it will be nice to have home cooked, healthy food only a microwave heating away - I brought about 3 weeks worth of food and my older sister is coming over on Wednesday to help out with the cookup!!

On Saturday night I went to the footy and happily my team won - whooo hooo!! Today (Sunday) - I had a very restful day watching some TV, reading and then JourneyMan took me out for a lovely dinner. It has been a fabulous birthday!!

Tomorrow, I MUST get my bag for the hospital finished and packed (I have been saying that for 2 weeks!!) and give the house a good cleaning!!

Hope you all had a great weekend! Only 11 days to go - whoo hoo!!

12 months of blogging!

I have realised (belatedly) that I have now been blogging for more than 12 months - wow, that has gone really quickly!! I thought that in honour of my 12 months of blogging, I would do a bit of a review of the last 12 months because, well - so much has happened!!

This time 12 months ago:

We had just had our 5th IVF cycle cancelled due to no response. I was devastated as I had lost almost 50kg's in the preceding 12 months through lap band surgery and thought that the weight loss would make some kind of difference. Unfortunately it didn't.

One day after I had cried my heart out, I reviewed the 5 cycles that we had had and I realised that I had to face facts. I had only achieved 3 embryo's and had in total 9 eggs retrieved from the 5 cycles that it was doubtful that I would achieve a pregnancy with my own eggs. This realisation triggered off a bout of grief for my own biological child. It took me awhile to come to terms with this fact but I already had a new plan in mind.

I had researched donor egg cycles in Thailand (and other locations around the world) earlier in the year but had not talked to JourneyMan about the option. I just couldn't face the wait of 2-3 years on the donor waiting lists in Australia or did not like the thought of asking friends and family to be donors. I aprehensively brought up the plan to JourneyMan and found him completely supportive. We were a go for launch!!

Emotionally, I was a wreck - I felt like I was in a glass bubble, I couldn't relate to people anymore. I hardly saw my friends and my family had let me down with flippant responses to my pain. Through all of my emotional turmoil though, I had JourneyMan, JourneyDog and my bestie who saved me - they were my soft place to fall and even if they couldn't understand what I was going through, they supported me without fail. They saved me and I am forever grateful.

I decided to document the momental cycle of going to Thailand to utilise donor eggs because when I was researching, I tried to find a blog to read of someone who did it - I felt sure that there would be someone but there wasn't so I decided to create it myself. I was amazed by the catharsis the blog brought me and even more amazed by the friends that I have made - it has been wonderful.

The plan felt like such a gamble as I was only able to transfer one embryo (due to the shape of my uterus) but I thought that I would try absolutely everything I could to make the cycle successful.I drank fertility tea daily, I did castor oil packs every second day, I had acupuncture every week, I detoxed my body as much as I could, I took handfuls of vitamins daily, I listened to a fertility cd every night, all night, I exercised sensibly, I even avoided peas because I had read that they were a natural contraceptive!! In short, I was obsessed with making this cycle successful.

Our house was a debacle because we didn't dare spend any money on renovating because our money was all going to our cycles and trip to Thailand. It was a horrible place to live and JourneyMan got very sick of me whinging 'I hate this place!!!'.

Fast forward to Christmas day and we got the best most wished for present of all, a positive pregnancy test - it was a wonderful, wonderful day. Now with only 2 weeks to go until I am holding my JourneyBabyBoy in my arms our lives have changed exponetially.

And now:

We are preparing ourselves to be parents, 12 months ago, I couldn't even hope that this day would happen - I dared not let myself think of what it would be like. For the record, it is wonderful, scary, exciting and daunting!!

I have started to come back to myself. I thought that this would happen immediately but the transition back into the world was not as easy as I thought it was going to be. This week I had 8 girlfriends around with their children for lunch - it was lovely and I enjoyed myself in a group again, I feel a little bit normal!!

The house has been renovated, new kitchen, new floors, central heating, painted all throughout and of course, we now have a nursery fully ready and available for our darling boy to come home to. I LOVE our house now - it is wonderful to wake up in the morning to see how beautiful it is.

I have always felt blessed to have found JourneyMan, I am SOOO happy to be able to make him a dad and despite the fact that when we met he was not fussed about whether he had children or not, I know that he will make a wonderful father. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family (despite them annoying the heck out of me occassionally) and brilliant friends (especially my bestie) and let's not forget my wonderful JourneyDog who is precious to me. The past 12 months have been kind to me and I am so very grateful for all of the blessings that I had over this time - I am very, very lucky.

I want to say thank you to all of you who read my blatherings and would especially like to say thanks to all of you who have offered your support through comments throughout the past 12 months, it has been absolutely invaluable to me!!

To those of you who are amidst your journey and are still waiting for your BFP, don't give up, your life can turn around in an instant and I hope it does!

We're ready (and computer is back - whoo hoo!!)

Hurrah people - we have the computer back!! I am SOOOOO happy - now I can catch up on what you are all doing and can let you know everything that is on my mind!! Yay!!!

We are now ready. The kitchen is absolutely completed and the house is pretty much done. There are only a few small issues to fix up and they will be completed this week!! I am SOOOOOO happy with the renovations, the house is now beautiful and lovely and clean!! JBB's room is all ready for him to come back from the hospital too! We have a little gate on the door so that Journey Dog who is Woolly can stay out of the room but see what is going on in there. The car seat is all ready in the car, even the cradle has been all made up!

I have another OB appointment tomorrow that hopefully everything will still be going well and I have some girlfriends coming around for lunch this week which should be wonderful. I haven't had many friends around for a long time because the house couldn't really cope with more than one or two visitors at a time - there will be 7 friends coming over with 1-2 children each so the house will definitely be put under some pressure!! It should be a good fun week, I hope!

Sweet relief & the wonderful benefits of a unicornuate uterus!!

After a practically sleepless night on Monday night, I called the dentist on Tuesday morning to beg for an appointment. Thankfully I went in at 4:30pm and they started the root canal, taking out the nerve in the tooth. Honestly, the pain I was in on Monday night and Tuesday was absolutely horrendous, I despaired of ever feeling good again.

The actual dental work was not my favourite thing either but the sweet, sweet relief last night was amazing and to wake up this morning after sleeping the whole night and being pain free, well it felt like a miracle - I am back to myself again, whoo hoo!!

Now despite a lot of whinging that I do on this blog, I am a pretty positive person, I do like to find the positive in every situation. Now, I have found the positive of having a unicornuate uterus - yeah!! I have been waiting for the 3rd trimester pressure on my bladder but it has not come, I figure it is because JBB and the uterus is pretty much situated all on my left hand side which has caused no pressure on the bladder. This is a beautiful thing because I can generally sleep the whole night through without a bathroom stop - whooo hooo - go the unicornuate uterus!!!

Hell in a handbasket....

Well after everything being rosy, it has all turned to complete shite. Over the weekend, I developed a toothache that has reached gargatuan proportions. I had to go to an emergency dentist yesterday and I am booked in for a root canal on Thursday. In the meantime they have given me some antibiotics to deal with the infection and some strong painkillers (approved by the OB) but the pain killers are not even touching the pain. I have been writhing in agony today. I was hoping to have gotten a lot done but all I did was a lot of lying around trying not to think about going and getting some pliers and pulling out the tooth because it is so painful.

On top of that, every time I ate or drank this morning, I threw up. Now let me tell you, I am a total iron guts - I don't throw up - even with the morning sickness, I felt nauseous but didn't really ever throw up. So I am completely misery guts tonight and feeling very sorry for myself.

I absolutely hate, hate, hate the dentist but I tell you if I could get an appointment tomorrow, I would - the pain is phenomenal. Okay, will stop whinging now - need to sign off and lie down.

Catch up!!

Hi Gang,

Sorry to have been absent for such a long time - I was very, very busy over the past couple of weeks finishing up work. I finished work last Friday and had to give back my work lap top and now (of course) the home computer has died - I have had to come over to my Mum and Dad's place to logon - it is like having my arm removed having no computer - who knew I was so reliant on it!!

So, the last 2 weeks of work were ultra, ultra hectic - I had to handover all of my projects but it was also nice because there were a couple of lunches that I got to go to because of projects finishing - it was really lovely. I was really looking forward to work finishing to spend some time getting ready and relaxing before JBB makes his appearance and we are thrown headlong into parenthood.

The last few days have been absolutely bliss not having the alarm on to wake me up early and taking my time to potter around the house getting things done. We still had alot to unpack from when the floorboards were polished so I have been taking my time each day and organising one room at a time and giving it a good thorough cleaning. I probably went a bit overboard as I worked all day and my back was killing me by last night so I am having a bit more of a restful day today though I have come over to my mum and dad's place to escape the work in the house (my uncle is doing the painting in the kitchen - I was going to do it myself but it was all a bit too much).

My mum and I are going to head out to the shops to get few final things for JBB and my hospital bag because tomorrow I am going to work on getting the nursery organised (need to hang some curtains, pain the change table, finishing up washing his clothes etc), pack my bag for the hospital and also organise the nappy bag - I am really looking forward to doing all this stuff!!

Oh - it was absolutely fantastic over the weekend because JourneyMan and I went away for a 'Baby Moon' - of course, Journey Dog who is Woolly also came along and it was probably one of the best weekends that I have ever had!! It was so relaxing, the place that we stayed at was beautiful and cosy and JourneyMan and I had some lovely long chats about all of the upcoming changes in our lives - I have to say, I can't remember being happier in my life than I am right now.

On Monday, I had an appointment with the OB and he said that everything was going 'perfectly' and that both Journey Baby Boy and I were progressing wonderfully. I hope that this continues over the next weeks - wow, only 4 weeks tomorrow until we meet our gorgeous little boy!!

I have SOOOOOO much catching up on blogs to do - I am very sorry that I haven't been reading and commenting - I hope we can get our computer fixed asap so that I can see what everyone is up to!!

The Baby Shower

Well the much dreaded and panicked over baby shower was yesterday and it was a really, really wonderful day. I am SOOOOO glad that I had it and didn't let my neurosis rule my life. My family and friends were so wonderful and generous, I am completely touched.

The lead up week to the shower was pretty full on. We moved back home to our house on Tuesday night and we still have not completely unpacked the house. I have let go of my need to have absolutely everything perfect by the time that I finish work - basically because it is impossible but also because I would be pushed to the limit to do so. The people at work finally realised that I am finishing next Friday and they all went into a panic and have been asking me to help out with heaps of extra stuff. I have realised that my last week is going to be a hectic one and then hopefully I will have 5 weeks of relaxing and pottering around the house getting ready for the arrival of Riley.

Friday was a pretty busy day, I was up early to have my 32 week scan and happily, JBB is going along fantastically. He is growing extremely well - indeed he already weighs 4lbs, 5 oz's - whoo hoo! Everything was great so I am absolutely over the moon! The rest of Friday I spent getting my hair cut and coloured (I feel so much better!) and cooking up a storm with my mum for the baby shower.

On Saturday, we went to the market to get a few last things for the shower, so I was up early and then I headed home, quickly got ready and went over to help my mum with the last preparations. My bestie and older sister also came along to help out getting everything done and then everyone started arriving at 1pm. It was lovely to catch up with everyone and I was really overwhelmed by their generosity.

My mum said to me - how amazing is it that this is your baby shower? - and it was, totally amazing. I couldn't help but think of the many other baby showers that I had been to and cried on the way home, wishing it was me. In my heart, I always knew that I would have a baby shower for me and my forthcoming child - I knew that I wouldn't stop until I was holding my own baby in my arms, regardless of how they would get there - donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption. It was a wonderful day, one of the best days. It means so much to me that I could celebrate the the joy of welcoming JBB into our lives with the people that mean so much to me. I felt a little bit more of myself again and the joy of it is completely overwhelming.

I am lucky and blessed, I absolutely know this. I have read back over some of my past posts and realise that I have been fairly negative about the pregnancy. This is not actually how I feel, I have had worries, yes but there has never been one moment that I have not been amazed and grateful at being able to experience this pregnancy myself - I guess that may have not come across as I have used the blog mainly to vent my frustrations.

There is less than 6 weeks to go of this pregnancy and I am determined to enjoy every last minute of it.

Excitement!!

I have started to get really, really excited now! There is so much going on and so much still left to do but I have started to allow myself to really get excited now. I say 'allow myself' because most of the time during the pregnancy I have put the stoppers on the excitement. Firstly, I wanted to get to 12 weeks before I could get excited, then I wanted to get to 20 weeks because that seemed like a good milestone. Then I was aiming for 29 weeks because 90% of babies survive if they are born at this point, now I am 31 weeks and I feel like I can finally get excited about our little JBB.

Alot of this is because of a conversation that I had with another contractor at work, his wife is 4 weeks behind me and last week he was very happy that they had reached the 3rd trimester. He also said that he realised that the worrying doesn't stop about the baby for the rest of his life now and that really set a light bulb off in my head. I am never going to stop worrying that something may happen to our JBB but I am now not going to stop me getting excited about meeting him and taking care of him. I am sure that most of you are thinking '**sigh**, about time!!' and I wouldn't blame you, gosh, I have been doom and gloom alot throughout this pregnancy - grateful - yes, cautiously optimistic - yes but happy and excited - well, that has just kicked in now - better late than never hey!! I am going to have to make the most of every minute over the next 6 and a half weeks until our precious little bundle is born!

In other news, we are still living at my Mum and Dad's place, we are back in our own place tomorrow (yay!!). It hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be but all the same - I will be happy to have my own space back again! It has been pretty restful not thinking 'I have to do this and this and this' every minute of the day and the weekend was pretty cruisy, thank goodness. There is still quite a bit to do at our house, though most of the big things have been done - the backyard is a bit of a bugger though - I have to see what we can do there quite quickly. I am hoping to get the painting in the kitchen done by the end of this week and hopefully the kitchen floating floors and the last few items can be finished by the end of next week, that would be fabulous! I only have 2 weeks of work left and I am looking forward to finishing up. I have the baby shower this Saturday, I am not really looking forward to it that much but I am sure that it will be nice on the day.

Well, best be off - hope you all are well, I have alot of blog reading to catch up on!!