Another reason for Thailand again in July 2011

I have to be super quick as JBB seems to have a sixth sense for when I pick up the computer - he loves to wake up and demand to be fed!! The days have been all JBB all the time lately because although he has been sleeping well at night, he doesn't settle well during the day unless he is in my arms (I can't say that I don't like it because I could hold and stare at him for hours though it does get a bit difficult to get something to eat or even to visit the ladies!!). He is in bed right now so I am hoping for a quick post.

Thanks to all for your comments on our decision to go back to Thailand in 2011 to try for JBBS (Journey Baby Boy's Sibling - thanks Lifeslurper!!). Another reason that I would like to do this asap is that I would like the whole IF experience behind us. I know that sounds awful but over the past few weeks I have started to think about all the things that I will need to do in the lead up to Thailand. I need to get fit again (I have a goal to do a 15km run in April next year) and lose weight (I put on ALOT during the pregnancy with JBB), I will go back to Bikram yoga in the new year, we will need to get the money together for the trip, I will have to start back on the castor oil packs every second day, I will need to go to acupuncture each week and have the stinky herbs, I will need to have my 1 litre of fertility tea each day, I will need to start skin brushing again to detox my body - I am a little bit tired just thinking about it all again. Plus, I also don't want to miss a minute of JBB's life.

That's why I want it over with. Unless we win the lottery, we are only going to go for 2 children so it would be good to have our family all done and dusted. As some of you may remember, we didn't get any embryo's for the freezer last time so we will have to do the whole thing again from scratch. To preempt a question that many people have asked us, no - we won't be using the same donor. There are two main reasons why. Firstly, it would be unlikely that she would be available at the time when we would like to have a new cycle and secondly, JBB was the only viable embryo from the 18 eggs that the donor produced - my thought is 'what if next time there isn't even one?'.

I feel that I have recovered a little from the IF experience - although the bitter laugh that escapes me when my GP, OB and maternal health nurse asked what we are doing about contraception shows that some wounds still linger. However, then the thought of getting ready for Thailand and going again brings back the scary doubts and literal horror I feel at not acheiving a BFP from another cycle. There is also some part of me that still wrestles with the small hope that maybe if I had of had the blood thinning injections in the previous cycles with my own eggs - could I have gotten pregnant that way? Should we try another cycle here before we head to Thailand? 99.9% of the time I think 'no' basically because it was not really about implantation for me, it was the fact that I didn't respond to the drugs and that my ovaries couldn't seem to mature more than one egg at a time even if they were taken out of my body and beaten into submission but there does exist that small hope.

I actually don't really understand that small part of myself either because when I look at JBB and there is no chance of him looking like me, I don't care - especially when he recognises my voice and gives me a smile or when someone else is holding him and he won't settle and then I take him and sing to him and he settles beautifully and when I know from how he is crying what he wants. I am his Mum and I couldn't give a fat rats clacker whether he looks like me or not. The pragmatic part of me thinks 'what difference would it make if a child was from my egg?' to which the answer is absolutely nothing. Therefore, why would I try again with my own eggs with little or no chance or try in Thailand with a donor and have a 50%+ chance? After all, it wasn't as if it was only one cycle we tried with my own eggs, it was 5 cycles during which time we got bugger all embryo's to transfer (3 to be exact).

Okay - sorry this post has been all over the place - it is a bit of a stream of consciousness. Gotta go people - JBB is stirring!!!