This post has been bubbling away in me for awhile but I have waited and waited to post it basically because I don't really know how to express myself about it. I have having a tough time articulating my feelings here but I have decided to just go ahead and see what comes out.
There is a lingering feeling of 'what the?' about being a 'Donor Egg Mother'. It is not that I feel separate from JBB, I don't - I couldn't love him any more than I do - I love him with a ferocious, protective passion. It is not that I care that he doesn't look like me, he looks like my fabulous husband which is a wonderfully beautiful thing to me. JBB is beautifully perfect in every way - why would I want to change him?
I think it is because of the label 'Donor Egg Mother'. Why do I feel the need to label myself so when I really am just 'Mother'? I think that the problem here is myself because it plays on that age old fear within me that I never fit in anywhere - maybe I even relish this fact because it is comfortable. Even though I have plenty of friends who are Mum's there is no-one in my life who can exactly relate to how I am feeling.
There is also an element of fear that JBB will be angry because of the choices that we made. I know that it sounds irrational but what if he ends up hating me because of the lengths that we went to to have him?
I also feel some fear about telling our gorgeous JBB. How can we ensure that he understands how his life began? How can we ensure that he understand that we would do anything to bring him into our lives and that he is no different from any other boy?
Sorry, gotta go - JBB is ready to eat!! Will continue this post later (and will update you on how JourneyMan has lost his job - stress city here I tell you!!).
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Hey Journey Gal!
ReplyDeleteYou are unique. Journey Baby Boy is unique. The Journey Family is unique. You defy labelling and are limiting yourself by thinking in terms of labels.
Of course I say all of this purely as an *wanna be* donor egg mother - so feel free to repeat these words back to me should I ever have success....you have gone over to the other side and are no longer dealing with the hypotheticals of before.
You are now staring at that reality that I think as as donor egg recipients we tend to gloss over in our desire to have a baby. Your thoughts are valid and that point of 'difference' needs to be addressed in some way.
I've always thought (since the arrival of donor eggs) I'd be able to reassure myself later with the thought that my baby was unlikely to have been possible without the benefit of being a donor egg mother, but maybe that is not enough? Is there a chance you might have felt difference with a non-donor egg baby - after such a tough battle with IVF? Problem is, we can never experience the 'norm' to be able to tell the difference.
When JBB is older, he will only have to read this blog to understand, but for the time being picture books such as 'A Part Was Given and an Angel Was Born' or 'A tiny itsy bitsy gift of life, an egg donor story' might go towards building his (hopeful) eventual understanding.
You got it right when you described yourself as MOTHER. That is what you are. That is all that matters in this discussion. Nothing will change that.
One thing is for sure: he could never hate you! You're too damm lovable!!!!!
OMG! Journey Man...what has happened? So sorry to hear!
LS x