Saturday, October 30, 2010
The Donor Egg Mother
This post has been bubbling away in me for awhile but I have waited and waited to post it basically because I don't really know how to express myself about it. I have having a tough time articulating my feelings here but I have decided to just go ahead and see what comes out.
There is a lingering feeling of 'what the?' about being a 'Donor Egg Mother'. It is not that I feel separate from JBB, I don't - I couldn't love him any more than I do - I love him with a ferocious, protective passion. It is not that I care that he doesn't look like me, he looks like my fabulous husband which is a wonderfully beautiful thing to me. JBB is beautifully perfect in every way - why would I want to change him?
I think it is because of the label 'Donor Egg Mother'. Why do I feel the need to label myself so when I really am just 'Mother'? I think that the problem here is myself because it plays on that age old fear within me that I never fit in anywhere - maybe I even relish this fact because it is comfortable. Even though I have plenty of friends who are Mum's there is no-one in my life who can exactly relate to how I am feeling.
There is also an element of fear that JBB will be angry because of the choices that we made. I know that it sounds irrational but what if he ends up hating me because of the lengths that we went to to have him?
I also feel some fear about telling our gorgeous JBB. How can we ensure that he understands how his life began? How can we ensure that he understand that we would do anything to bring him into our lives and that he is no different from any other boy?
Sorry, gotta go - JBB is ready to eat!! Will continue this post later (and will update you on how JourneyMan has lost his job - stress city here I tell you!!).