I firstly want to say a big thank you to all of you who have posted such beautiful and kind comments, they have been a lifeline to me in at the past week.
As you can see from the ticker, we are go for Thailand 2.1 but I have one more post looking back before I can look forward.
It has been an interesting few days. I went back to work and so we have gone straight back into the busy, busy, busy mode.
I have had some pretty stressful days, it seems I have not gotten over the failed cycle quick enough and apparently, I am also not happy enough for my sister. It is quite strange to me that I have spent years and years drinking and eating my feelings and now that I want to confront them and move on from them, some people seem unwilling to acknowledge that I have any right to feel bad. I mean, I don't want to wallow in misery for weeks on end, I'm not like that, I will pick myself up and go on but I learnt something from the first 5 failed cycles. You move on without dealing with the emotion and it will definitely catch up with you, it caught up with me after JBB had been born. I hadn't released the grief from those cycles and it came back to bite me.
I had wanted to take my time in dealing with the grief as well as the jealously and envy that I feel for my sister so that I would be ready emotionally for Thailand 2.1 as well I didn't want to see my sister until I could only bring joy to the table. This is for both our sakes, I don't want to dump all of my IF blues on her, it is such a happy event for her, I really don't want to be the black cloud. Whilst I am very envious of how easy it was for her to get pregnant, I don't want her to feel bad. She is super lucky she doesn't have to come into our IF world and honestly, I am happy to spare her the horrible details of what it is really like. I also don't want to get emotional and say something that will hurt her as I wouldn't be able to live with myself. We also have a pretty tumultuous relationship, she once didn't talk to me for 6 months because of something she thought I had said (it was my older sister who had said it). I really would be upset if I said something to her that upset her and then I didn't get to share her pregnancy and the new little baby because she didn't want to talk to me anymore.
It actually would really be nice to only bring joy to the table, I also deserve that, I absolutely wish that hearing a pregnancy announcement wouldn't cause mixed emotions, I 100% wish I only ever felt joy and happiness for whoever it is - I hope that someday, I will have that. The IF journey takes so much from us and I find it very hard to articulate to people just how much. I mean, we have just cancelled our family holiday for the year at Christmas so that I can go back for a FET, half my days are spent having vitamins, going to appointments, doing castor oil packs, skin brushing, detoxing, rubbing my fertility crystals, listening to my subliminals, doing hypnosis sessions, yoga - you name it, I try and do it. Even on our last trip / cycle, I was obsessed about whether it worked or not plus we also spent 3 days at the clinic and I had 2 days on bed rest - it is not your normal holiday. Most of all, I feel like I am behind the IF glass wall. It is so isolating. People don't understand or they only want the good news stories, they don't want to hear about the obsession or those icky jealously and envy feelings. Gosh and if you bring bitterness to the table, the main response is 'you should be thankful you have JBB' or 'other people have it way worse than you', 'you need to just get over it'.
Seriously, I know that I am lucky - I have said it enough times on here. I am grateful everyday for JourneyMan, JBB and JourneyDog. I have the best best friend in the world. I have a great family and heaps of fabulous friends. I am damn lucky but seriously that doesn't mean that I am not allowed to feel sorry for myself occasionally. It doesn't usually last long but damn it, I am allowed to feel shit. isn't it better that I acknowledge that I am jealous of my sister and envious of how easy it was for her to get pregnant and move on from that feeling rather than shove it down and have to deal with it worse at some later date?
I have found so many people (not all - JourneyMan and my Bestie being the most notable and fabulous exceptions) want to invalidate any emotions that I have. I understand why, they are pretty icky ones - grief, sadness, envy, jealously, bitterness, isolation - people who love me don't want to see me having those emotions and they think that the best way out of them is through 'positive thinking'. ie 'only having JBB wouldn't be the worst thing in the world' being a classic or 'there are people who have had worse things happen to them than what you have had', All these invalidating statements do is make me feel that I am wrong for feeling (insert yucky emotion here) that particular way. Thankfully, JourneyMan and my Bestie have validated the hell out of these horrible emotions (being able to express myself here helps a bazillion times as well!!) and I feel I am getting over the hump. I don't think I was in the best frame of mind for this past cycle but I am determined to be for Thailand 2.1.
I read a post by someone and I am terribly sorry that I cannot remember who it was because I would post a link to it here but they talked about how people only really want the 'happy ending' stories. This was in regard to the poster dealing with multiple miscarriages and honestly, I think that it is absolutely spot on. I have spent so much of my life running from my emotions (usually drinking them away or eating them away) and I have always been pretty hard on myself for doing so but this week, I realized that I am not alone. I wanted to confront the yucky emotions and some of my friends and family wanted to run as far away from them as possible. I honestly don't blame them who in their right mind wants to deal with this shit. What this week has taught me is that in previous failed cycles, I isolated myself and didn't really talk about what had happened, this time I tried a different tack and it showed me who in my support group can cope with it (JourneyMan, the Bestie and my sisters in blogland). This is a great lesson to learn as I now know who has the stomach for the ickiness and I am one lucky 'b' to have all of you. I heart JourneyMan. I heart the Bestie. I heart by bloggy sisters. Thank you all for getting me over the hump - I appreciate it more than you will ever know!!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Anger and Bitterness
I went to the market with my Mum and sisters yesterday, as we do every Saturday. My older sister has been married for nearly 20 years and has three gorgeous boys and my younger sister has had a hard road to find love and now it seems she finally has. She moved in with her boyfriend about a month ago and we have been eagerly awaiting an engagement announcement. We always go for breakfast after we have bought all of our food for the week at while we were waiting for our breakfast, I noticed that my younger sister had a new iphone. I asked her if I could have look at it and I was scrolling through her Apps, I saw that she had 'what to expect when your expecting' on there. In shock, I asked, 'are you pregnant?'. She stuttered a 'no' and then went on to say that she had downloaded it because they were thinking about starting to try. My mum didn't say anything (which made realize that she already knew), my older sister demanded 'have you got news?' to which my younger sister replied again that they were just thinking about trying. My mind was reeling and I looked at the app and saw that it was on 7 weeks so knew that she was definitely pregnant.
I couldn't really talk much for the rest of the breakfast and when I got in the car with my mum to go home, I said to her 'she's pregnant right?'. My mum just nodded. She said to me that she hadn't been sleeping because she didn't know how they were going to tell me so close to finding out about the cycle failing, this made me really angry because it was like 'don't upset the poor infertile'. I was determined not to cry in front of my Mum, I didn't want word to get back to my sister that I was crying about it. I said to my mum 'let me first say that I am absolutely over the moon for LS (little sis) but that I really needed time to grieve. She said she understood but then went on to tell me that LS was having a hard time because she was spotting yesterday and had to go to the doctor. Honestly, I couldn't even think about that or talk about it -it was too soon. I said to my mum that I couldn't talk about it yet, I said that I would be there for her and help and support her as much as I could but I needed some time. We didn't talk that much on the way home after that.
I am angry. I'm angry because infertility has taken so much away from me. It makes me so angry that I couldn't just feel complete and utter joy for my sister, which she absolutely deserves. What I felt was joy for her but sadness for me and then of course guilt that I couldn't be only deliriously happy for her. I felt angry that people have to talk about how to tell me. I felt angry that everyone feels sorry for me. I felt angry because I couldn't go to the family dinner last night because I couldn't face it just yet.
I feel bitter because apparently it was an 'accident' and I'm still wondering whether my cycle didn't work because I moved too quickly to the hospital bed after the transfer or all of the other millions of tiny things (see previous post). I feel bitter because of everything that I feel I have to do to even have a chance and LS has brought it sharply into focus that most people don't have to do that. I feel bitter because we are going to have to try to get the money together (and most likely sacrifice our Christmas family holiday) for me to go back to Thailand for a FET.
That being said, I am still one lucky beeatch. I have JourneyMan, who has been a tower of support and understanding and honestly, his willingness to accept what we have to go through is amazing - he is one special husband and father. Of course, I have JBB and even though I am feeling angry and bitter, I look at his sweet face and thank god that he came into our lives - he has changed me in every way, all for the better. The other person that I have to mention is my bestie. We have been friends since we were in grade 2 and honestly, she is one of the best people that I know. Her path has not been to have a relationship and she doesn't even want kids but she (out of all of my friends and family) provides the most understanding and compassion. She has never said 'you need to get over it' or that I should just be grateful to have JBB. She has never said any of things that drive us infertiles mad. I asked her about it yesterday and she said 'apart from the fact that I am ace (she is!!), your my best friend and whatever you want, I want for you and I will be here to try to help you get whatever that is'. She is one special person and the only other person IRL that reads this blog. Love you bestie.
So that brings me to what's next. I am going to go back to Thailand by myself, probably in around the last week of December or the first week of January. Originally we were thinking later but it actually works out better with work and a whole bunch of things to do it at this time. So at this point, I am just waiting for the clinic to get back to me with a timeline and we will start from there. Of course all of the natural fertility palava will start again from tomorrow (I gave myself the weekend to go wild but will be back on the horse in a big way. Want to come with me for Thailand 2.1?
I couldn't really talk much for the rest of the breakfast and when I got in the car with my mum to go home, I said to her 'she's pregnant right?'. My mum just nodded. She said to me that she hadn't been sleeping because she didn't know how they were going to tell me so close to finding out about the cycle failing, this made me really angry because it was like 'don't upset the poor infertile'. I was determined not to cry in front of my Mum, I didn't want word to get back to my sister that I was crying about it. I said to my mum 'let me first say that I am absolutely over the moon for LS (little sis) but that I really needed time to grieve. She said she understood but then went on to tell me that LS was having a hard time because she was spotting yesterday and had to go to the doctor. Honestly, I couldn't even think about that or talk about it -it was too soon. I said to my mum that I couldn't talk about it yet, I said that I would be there for her and help and support her as much as I could but I needed some time. We didn't talk that much on the way home after that.
I am angry. I'm angry because infertility has taken so much away from me. It makes me so angry that I couldn't just feel complete and utter joy for my sister, which she absolutely deserves. What I felt was joy for her but sadness for me and then of course guilt that I couldn't be only deliriously happy for her. I felt angry that people have to talk about how to tell me. I felt angry that everyone feels sorry for me. I felt angry because I couldn't go to the family dinner last night because I couldn't face it just yet.
I feel bitter because apparently it was an 'accident' and I'm still wondering whether my cycle didn't work because I moved too quickly to the hospital bed after the transfer or all of the other millions of tiny things (see previous post). I feel bitter because of everything that I feel I have to do to even have a chance and LS has brought it sharply into focus that most people don't have to do that. I feel bitter because we are going to have to try to get the money together (and most likely sacrifice our Christmas family holiday) for me to go back to Thailand for a FET.
That being said, I am still one lucky beeatch. I have JourneyMan, who has been a tower of support and understanding and honestly, his willingness to accept what we have to go through is amazing - he is one special husband and father. Of course, I have JBB and even though I am feeling angry and bitter, I look at his sweet face and thank god that he came into our lives - he has changed me in every way, all for the better. The other person that I have to mention is my bestie. We have been friends since we were in grade 2 and honestly, she is one of the best people that I know. Her path has not been to have a relationship and she doesn't even want kids but she (out of all of my friends and family) provides the most understanding and compassion. She has never said 'you need to get over it' or that I should just be grateful to have JBB. She has never said any of things that drive us infertiles mad. I asked her about it yesterday and she said 'apart from the fact that I am ace (she is!!), your my best friend and whatever you want, I want for you and I will be here to try to help you get whatever that is'. She is one special person and the only other person IRL that reads this blog. Love you bestie.
So that brings me to what's next. I am going to go back to Thailand by myself, probably in around the last week of December or the first week of January. Originally we were thinking later but it actually works out better with work and a whole bunch of things to do it at this time. So at this point, I am just waiting for the clinic to get back to me with a timeline and we will start from there. Of course all of the natural fertility palava will start again from tomorrow (I gave myself the weekend to go wild but will be back on the horse in a big way. Want to come with me for Thailand 2.1?
Friday, October 21, 2011
A Cycle Lament
Why didn't I stay on bed rest for longer?
Why did I book the flight to Koh Samui within 48 hours of the transfer?
Why did I stuff up the Chinese herbs I was supposed to be taking?
Why didn't I take in my Grandnanna's Rosary beads in to the transfer?
Why did I eat junk food?
Why didn't I do a cleanse before we left?
Why did I not train my body so I felt healthier and better about myself?
Why didn't I make a concerted effort to lose weight?
Why did I forget to bring the acupuncture intradermals with me?
Why didn't I drink more water?
Why did I confidently think that this cycle would just be successful?
Why didn't I speak up when the catheter was hurting me in the transfer?
Why did I move so quickly from the stirrups to the hospital bed?
Why didn't I get the indoor plants to purify the air in our house?
Why did I let my doctor influence me into not having Val.ium for the transfer?
Why didn't I try to spend more time relaing?
Why did I go to a different masseuse for a treatment before the transfer?
Why didn't my body create a hospitable environment for a class A embryo to implant?
Why did I tempt fate and name the baby?
Why do I blame myself when things go wrong?
Why did I tell every man and his uncle what we were doing?
Why do I feel like I have let everyone down?
Why is it so hard to face the world?
Why does the glass wall come back so quickly?
Why does infertility take so much from us?
Why does it hurt like knives in my heart?
Why
Why
Why...
Why did I book the flight to Koh Samui within 48 hours of the transfer?
Why did I stuff up the Chinese herbs I was supposed to be taking?
Why didn't I take in my Grandnanna's Rosary beads in to the transfer?
Why did I eat junk food?
Why didn't I do a cleanse before we left?
Why did I not train my body so I felt healthier and better about myself?
Why didn't I make a concerted effort to lose weight?
Why did I forget to bring the acupuncture intradermals with me?
Why didn't I drink more water?
Why did I confidently think that this cycle would just be successful?
Why didn't I speak up when the catheter was hurting me in the transfer?
Why did I move so quickly from the stirrups to the hospital bed?
Why didn't I get the indoor plants to purify the air in our house?
Why did I let my doctor influence me into not having Val.ium for the transfer?
Why didn't I try to spend more time relaing?
Why did I go to a different masseuse for a treatment before the transfer?
Why didn't my body create a hospitable environment for a class A embryo to implant?
Why did I tempt fate and name the baby?
Why do I blame myself when things go wrong?
Why did I tell every man and his uncle what we were doing?
Why do I feel like I have let everyone down?
Why is it so hard to face the world?
Why does the glass wall come back so quickly?
Why does infertility take so much from us?
Why does it hurt like knives in my heart?
Why
Why
Why...
Thursday, October 20, 2011
9dp5dt - We're Home - It's Negative
The posting got slack by the end because I think I have known deep down that this cycle had not worked and this morning, there was confirmation on a FRER with FMU - negative. I am completely numb, I just don't even know what to think. Why didn't this work? I can only blame myself, the main reason beings:
* I didn't lose weight in the lead up to the cycle
* I accidentally took the herbs incorrectly
* I booked the flight to Koh Samui one day earlier than I should have
* I believed it would work because it did last time and I was slacker on the complimentary therapies
I'm sure I can think of many more but those are the main ones.
I don't think that you ever forget how bad a negative cycle is but I think I got so cocky expecting it to be postive that I feel slapped down, very, very hard. I am bracing myself for it but if anyone says to me 'well at least you have JBB' I am going to vomit on them. I have been invited to a lot of things over the next few days - I just don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone about it. I don't even want to talk about our trip, I don't even want to think about the trip anymore and now everyone will want to talk about what we did etc.
For the record, I know that I am lucky to have JBB, I look at him every day and am thankful but this doesn't mean that I can't be upset over this cycle failing.
It is poor JourneyMan's birthday today - I was hoping that he would have a beautiful precious gift but no, instead he gets another freaking cycle failure and and upset and bitter wife, he deserves better.
Sorry for the terrible, self pitying post - I am really beyond words right now.
* I didn't lose weight in the lead up to the cycle
* I accidentally took the herbs incorrectly
* I booked the flight to Koh Samui one day earlier than I should have
* I believed it would work because it did last time and I was slacker on the complimentary therapies
I'm sure I can think of many more but those are the main ones.
I don't think that you ever forget how bad a negative cycle is but I think I got so cocky expecting it to be postive that I feel slapped down, very, very hard. I am bracing myself for it but if anyone says to me 'well at least you have JBB' I am going to vomit on them. I have been invited to a lot of things over the next few days - I just don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone about it. I don't even want to talk about our trip, I don't even want to think about the trip anymore and now everyone will want to talk about what we did etc.
For the record, I know that I am lucky to have JBB, I look at him every day and am thankful but this doesn't mean that I can't be upset over this cycle failing.
It is poor JourneyMan's birthday today - I was hoping that he would have a beautiful precious gift but no, instead he gets another freaking cycle failure and and upset and bitter wife, he deserves better.
Sorry for the terrible, self pitying post - I am really beyond words right now.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
4DP5DT - Captain Obvious!
This news just in - the 2WW wait is bloody tough. Yeah, thanks for the news, Captain Obvious, realising that the 2WW is a complete nightmare is completely news worthy - there certainly are not thousands of people who suffer through this time every month!! I guess I think that I am in a beautiful tropical paradise with my family and that it would make the time go easier. Well, sure it actually makes the time feel easier however, it was only 4 days ago that I had the transfer - seriously, it feels like 4 weeks!!
I have been doing the things that all good 2WWer's do. I am googling like mad, I am interrogating the smallest symptom, I am constantly calculating in my head when I can POAS (in actual fact, I already have - to make sure that the HCG injection was gone - it is). I am obsessed, I am confident one minute and in the doldrums the next - where could I be but a 2WW.
In symptom news, the cramping has eased though my back is aching something terrible - mostly I think because my back needs my own bed plus a hot water bottle (no chance of finding one of those here!!) on hand at all times. The biggest pregnancy related symptom that I have would have to be bloating - honestly, I look like I am already 6 months pregnant. I have had no dizzy spells like I did last time though I am having trouble sleeping which I definitely had last time.
And so we wait and wait and wait some more.
In case you were wondering why I don't post pics of where we have been staying etc - it is because I am a horrible photographer and cannot take a good photo to save my life.
I have been doing the things that all good 2WWer's do. I am googling like mad, I am interrogating the smallest symptom, I am constantly calculating in my head when I can POAS (in actual fact, I already have - to make sure that the HCG injection was gone - it is). I am obsessed, I am confident one minute and in the doldrums the next - where could I be but a 2WW.
In symptom news, the cramping has eased though my back is aching something terrible - mostly I think because my back needs my own bed plus a hot water bottle (no chance of finding one of those here!!) on hand at all times. The biggest pregnancy related symptom that I have would have to be bloating - honestly, I look like I am already 6 months pregnant. I have had no dizzy spells like I did last time though I am having trouble sleeping which I definitely had last time.
And so we wait and wait and wait some more.
In case you were wondering why I don't post pics of where we have been staying etc - it is because I am a horrible photographer and cannot take a good photo to save my life.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
2DP5DT - Hello Koh Samui
We had a pretty stressful pre-flight. We queued up and then they told us to go and get JBB a ticket, then we went back and they told me that my name needed to be changed at the ticket counter because it was spelled wrong, so I traipsed back to the ticket counter and then back to the check in counter. JourneyMan took JBB to find a locker because we knew we would be over the baggage limit so we were storing some stuff until our flight home. I finally caught up with them at the other end of a very massive airport and we left our bag and then started to make our way to the gate. Unfortunately, it was up the other end of the airport and by this time, JBB was not happy Jan!!! (Australian reference, apologies to everyone else) The poor thing had only had about 20mins of his morning sleep in the car to the airport so he was seriously tired and cracking it.
The walk to the gate was absolutely crazy - I am sure that it was about 2km's away from where we began and we were rushing because the flight was already boarding. We finally got to the gate and of course, it wasn't boarding at all!! There were no baby change facilities in the toilets so poor JBB got a quick bum change on JourneyMan's knee and we were on the flight. We were dreading the flight because JBB was so tired but thankfully it was only an hour so we managed to keep him amused for the hour without too much protest.
Once we got to Koh Samui though, things changed for the way better!! Basically, we are in paradise. Our hotel is gorgeous, very quiet and funky (it has a red pool!). The weather was absolutely beautiful - sunny with high, white fluffy clouds. I always forget how gorgeously crystal blue and warm the water is!! We had lunch at the restaurant - on a deck overlooking the ocean, honestly, could it get any better? Then we took JBB for a swim in the ocean - he was not sure about it at first but then he came around. We then went into the pool and stayed in for ages. It was sooooo much fun and now it really feels like a holiday!
On the cycle side of things, it has been cramps a go go. I know that I had cramps on the last Thailand go but since the birth of JBB, cramps have been a hugely regular part of my life - unfortunately, so I don't really know what these ones mean, if anything.
Hopefully the sun will still be shining tomorrow and we can enjoy the beauty of our beloved Koh Samui.
The walk to the gate was absolutely crazy - I am sure that it was about 2km's away from where we began and we were rushing because the flight was already boarding. We finally got to the gate and of course, it wasn't boarding at all!! There were no baby change facilities in the toilets so poor JBB got a quick bum change on JourneyMan's knee and we were on the flight. We were dreading the flight because JBB was so tired but thankfully it was only an hour so we managed to keep him amused for the hour without too much protest.
Once we got to Koh Samui though, things changed for the way better!! Basically, we are in paradise. Our hotel is gorgeous, very quiet and funky (it has a red pool!). The weather was absolutely beautiful - sunny with high, white fluffy clouds. I always forget how gorgeously crystal blue and warm the water is!! We had lunch at the restaurant - on a deck overlooking the ocean, honestly, could it get any better? Then we took JBB for a swim in the ocean - he was not sure about it at first but then he came around. We then went into the pool and stayed in for ages. It was sooooo much fun and now it really feels like a holiday!
On the cycle side of things, it has been cramps a go go. I know that I had cramps on the last Thailand go but since the birth of JBB, cramps have been a hugely regular part of my life - unfortunately, so I don't really know what these ones mean, if anything.
Hopefully the sun will still be shining tomorrow and we can enjoy the beauty of our beloved Koh Samui.
1DP5DT - Goodbye Bangkok
Tonight is our last night in Bangkok and tomorrow we are flying to the gorgeous island of Koh Samui. We have been there a couple of times and it is beautiful. I checked the weather and it looks to be better than Bangkok. Speaking of Bangkok, there are the biggest floods of the last 50 years here at the moment, many people have been evacuated from their houses. Our poor patient coordinator is sleeping in her car in the clinic car park it is pretty bad. The centre of Bangers is protected by a flood wall that they believe is going to hold up but if it keeps on raining like it has been, who knows what will happen.
Tomorrow we will be at the beach - JBB has been to the beach before but not that he would remember as he was only 4 months old at the time - I am excited to see how he will respond. The flight is only an hour so hopefully that won't be too bad for little JBB - I tell you, I am already dreading the flight home. It is over night though so I am hoping he will sleep the majority of it - that is a worry for another day now.
This first day post transfer has been pretty boring. I have been mainly just resting, though I did go down to the pool to see JBB and JourneyMan having a swim. This was about half an hour before the torrential rain started which was pretty good timing. Then JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor park to run some of the energy off him. It will be nice to get to Koh Samui - it is more of a villagey type feel rather than a big city so that will be nice. We have shops and restaurants on our doorstep so it is a pretty easy existence. We are also a few steps to the beach which will be lovely.
I am glad to be leaving Bangkok, I always love coming here but we have been here for awhile and it's time to go.
Symptom wise, I have had a dull ache on the lower left hand abdomen which I am hoping is a little emby implanting - could also be my imagination, we will see. Test day is set for 21 October.
Catch in Koh Samui!!
Tomorrow we will be at the beach - JBB has been to the beach before but not that he would remember as he was only 4 months old at the time - I am excited to see how he will respond. The flight is only an hour so hopefully that won't be too bad for little JBB - I tell you, I am already dreading the flight home. It is over night though so I am hoping he will sleep the majority of it - that is a worry for another day now.
This first day post transfer has been pretty boring. I have been mainly just resting, though I did go down to the pool to see JBB and JourneyMan having a swim. This was about half an hour before the torrential rain started which was pretty good timing. Then JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor park to run some of the energy off him. It will be nice to get to Koh Samui - it is more of a villagey type feel rather than a big city so that will be nice. We have shops and restaurants on our doorstep so it is a pretty easy existence. We are also a few steps to the beach which will be lovely.
I am glad to be leaving Bangkok, I always love coming here but we have been here for awhile and it's time to go.
Symptom wise, I have had a dull ache on the lower left hand abdomen which I am hoping is a little emby implanting - could also be my imagination, we will see. Test day is set for 21 October.
Catch in Koh Samui!!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Transfer Day!
Well, I am at the hotel having a nice relax happily reporting that I have a AA Grade hatching blasty nestled in - yay!! Now comes the waiting, the part that I am the worst at.
It was a very good day. JBB has actually slept in to 5:30am the past two mornings (instead of 3am, we are celebrating!!) and we went and had breakfast at 6am as usual. JBB had some big play time and then had his morning nap and it was time to go. I went to have a massage before the transfer and JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor playground. We met up at the clinic and JourneyMan and JBB only stayed until they called me in because I needed to be as relaxed as possible and having little 'perpetual motion' jumping around the joint was just not going to cut it.
I was a bit nervous going in, as apart from the fertilisation report, we hadn't heard any progress on the embryo's. I had been in clinic rooms before and received horrible news such as 'no, there wasn't at pick up'. Even last time, the scary issue of only having one embryo for transfer (not that we would have transferred more than one but it would have been nice to have something for the freezer). When the doctor walked toward me, I felt sick with apprehension, I don't think I could take bad news. It was, however, the very best of news - 6 blastocysts of sufficient quality to freeze. There was one AA (excellent), two A (very good) and 3 AB (good). We have never been in this position before - we have embryo's in the freezer!!
The transfer itself went very well, though it was a bit ouchy with the catheter - booo. I had my hypnosis and subliminal mp3's on the phone so I listened to them to be as relaxed as possible. They then wrapped me up and I had to stay resting for 2 hours. The clinic organized for a car to drive me back to the hotel and I hugged on little JBB hugely, I had missed his little cheeky face all day today. He was in top form.
All of a sudden, I feel very apprehensive. I really, really hope that this works. I hope that my dear little embie burrows in deep.
And now we wait....
It was a very good day. JBB has actually slept in to 5:30am the past two mornings (instead of 3am, we are celebrating!!) and we went and had breakfast at 6am as usual. JBB had some big play time and then had his morning nap and it was time to go. I went to have a massage before the transfer and JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor playground. We met up at the clinic and JourneyMan and JBB only stayed until they called me in because I needed to be as relaxed as possible and having little 'perpetual motion' jumping around the joint was just not going to cut it.
I was a bit nervous going in, as apart from the fertilisation report, we hadn't heard any progress on the embryo's. I had been in clinic rooms before and received horrible news such as 'no, there wasn't at pick up'. Even last time, the scary issue of only having one embryo for transfer (not that we would have transferred more than one but it would have been nice to have something for the freezer). When the doctor walked toward me, I felt sick with apprehension, I don't think I could take bad news. It was, however, the very best of news - 6 blastocysts of sufficient quality to freeze. There was one AA (excellent), two A (very good) and 3 AB (good). We have never been in this position before - we have embryo's in the freezer!!
The transfer itself went very well, though it was a bit ouchy with the catheter - booo. I had my hypnosis and subliminal mp3's on the phone so I listened to them to be as relaxed as possible. They then wrapped me up and I had to stay resting for 2 hours. The clinic organized for a car to drive me back to the hotel and I hugged on little JBB hugely, I had missed his little cheeky face all day today. He was in top form.
All of a sudden, I feel very apprehensive. I really, really hope that this works. I hope that my dear little embie burrows in deep.
And now we wait....
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Lazy Days in Bangkok
Not much to report here. I am trying to keep up with the medication - there are so many, even more than last time:
Prog.ynova X 3 per day
Crin.one X 1 per day
Duph.aston X 2 per day
Pred.isolone X 2 per day
Added to this I have the chinese herbs twice a day and honestly, the alarm on my phone is going off all day.
The weather has been very hot, rainy and stormy over the weekend. JBB has not been impressed with the big claps of thunder but we have still be able to get to the pool in breaks in the weather. He started out quite wary of the pool but he is loving it more and more each day. All we have really done for the past couple of days is swim, watch JBB play in the outdoor area and do a little shopping.
Time is going very quickly, I am looking forward to the transfer but am trying to savor our time together. We ventured out to the Aquarium today but it was so busy that we decided to wait and go tomorrow when it first opens so it will hopefully not be as frantic as it was today. We took JBB to an indoor playground and my goodness it was like the Lord of the Flies in there. He got doofed on the head by a swinging padded bag, he got stepped on my an over zealous kid and overall, I think he was a bit overwhelmed - he did crack me up though because he would say 'ooooooohhhh' every time he saw something.
JBB has had some grumpy pants on over the past couple of days, he is not getting enough sleep so he is getting cranky. He is also still waking up at 3am every night, though sometimes he goes back to sleep (generally for JourneyMan but not me - **sigh**) but sometimes will stay awake.
The plans are coming together for the transfer. We will leave to go to the clinic at about 12pm on Tuesday. I will have a massage beforehand and hopefully will be as relaxed as possible. JourneyMan is going to take JBB home once I go in because he is a bit to raucous!! I have brought my transfer outfit - I did the same thing last time as well.
Well, it's off to the Aquarium tomorrow and then I need to get some pressies for people - better get to bed cos I'll be up at 3am.
Prog.ynova X 3 per day
Crin.one X 1 per day
Duph.aston X 2 per day
Pred.isolone X 2 per day
Added to this I have the chinese herbs twice a day and honestly, the alarm on my phone is going off all day.
The weather has been very hot, rainy and stormy over the weekend. JBB has not been impressed with the big claps of thunder but we have still be able to get to the pool in breaks in the weather. He started out quite wary of the pool but he is loving it more and more each day. All we have really done for the past couple of days is swim, watch JBB play in the outdoor area and do a little shopping.
Time is going very quickly, I am looking forward to the transfer but am trying to savor our time together. We ventured out to the Aquarium today but it was so busy that we decided to wait and go tomorrow when it first opens so it will hopefully not be as frantic as it was today. We took JBB to an indoor playground and my goodness it was like the Lord of the Flies in there. He got doofed on the head by a swinging padded bag, he got stepped on my an over zealous kid and overall, I think he was a bit overwhelmed - he did crack me up though because he would say 'ooooooohhhh' every time he saw something.
JBB has had some grumpy pants on over the past couple of days, he is not getting enough sleep so he is getting cranky. He is also still waking up at 3am every night, though sometimes he goes back to sleep (generally for JourneyMan but not me - **sigh**) but sometimes will stay awake.
The plans are coming together for the transfer. We will leave to go to the clinic at about 12pm on Tuesday. I will have a massage beforehand and hopefully will be as relaxed as possible. JourneyMan is going to take JBB home once I go in because he is a bit to raucous!! I have brought my transfer outfit - I did the same thing last time as well.
Well, it's off to the Aquarium tomorrow and then I need to get some pressies for people - better get to bed cos I'll be up at 3am.
Friday, October 7, 2011
We have embryo's - 13 of them!!
The fertilisation report is in and we have 13 embryo's, this is compared to 8 last time so I am very happy. There were only 18 mature eggs so that was a pretty good rate I believe. I feel pretty good about the whole situation. I find it very hard not to compare this cycle with the last one and one of the things that I have realised is that last time, I was able to relax pretty well before the cycle through massages and plenty of sleep and all of that but I am definitely not relaxing as much this time as last time though. However, this time I am way, way happier than I was that last cycle.
This was illustrated yesterday when JourneyMan, JBB and I went investigating a Thai massage. Our intention was to both have a massage separately once JBB was in bed so that one of us could be with him at all times. When we got there, they convinced us to have a massage together and JBB could be in the room. Honestly, it was one of the funniest experiences I've ever had. I think I have mentioned before that a Thai massage is a combination of a massage and a yoga class - I love them!! Anyway, picture this: JourneyMan and I have changed into traditional Thai gear and are lying on the massage mats on the floor in a beautifully restful Thai spa room. Then add in one little hurricane that we call JBB and it wasn't the most relaxing massage I have ever had in my life. At one point, he found a box and put it on my face, throughout the whole time he was climbing all over us, pushing anything that he could find around the room, trying to massage us, talking to the Thai masseuse ladies (who adored him) and screaming in delight at the top of his lungs. As I say, I didn't walk out of the room completely relaxed but I did walk out of there completely happy.
Today, I went for another massage (foot reflexology and back and shoulder) and JourneyMan took JBB shopping. When I got back (completely relaxed this time!!) I found JBB in a shirt with a picture of Papa Smurf on it with a caption - I Heart Papa. I was laughing for a while because it is a pretty cool shirt but I was happy for JourneyMan because JBB has plenty of shirts that say things like 'my heart belongs to mum', 'I dig my mum' etc (incidentally, I have only bought him one of these tops, he has been given all of the others) and JourneyMan has often complained that there are no shirts around saying 'I love my Dad' - they all tend to say, 'my dad loves me'. So JourneyMan is all chuffed with JBB's shirt and I can see JBB wearing it a lot in the future..
We finished off the day with a swim in the pool and some pants off time for JBB on the outdoor deck in our room. Yesterday, pants off time (he's got a bit of nappy rash and we want to let the air onto his bum) ended abruptly when JBB squatted down to leave a poo on the decking. I was taking a picture of him at the time - though had accidentally hit the video button and we now have it captured for all time. I'm saying we will use it for JBB's 21st birthday party but JourneyMan refuses - I have to admit, I don't think I could be that cruel. Gosh we laughed though and crazily enough, these moments mean as much to me as the beautiful ones when JBB comes to give me a hug or a kiss. These are the intimate moments that no-one else sees, these are the moments that make our family. Honestly, I am having the time of my life, poop deck and all!!
This was illustrated yesterday when JourneyMan, JBB and I went investigating a Thai massage. Our intention was to both have a massage separately once JBB was in bed so that one of us could be with him at all times. When we got there, they convinced us to have a massage together and JBB could be in the room. Honestly, it was one of the funniest experiences I've ever had. I think I have mentioned before that a Thai massage is a combination of a massage and a yoga class - I love them!! Anyway, picture this: JourneyMan and I have changed into traditional Thai gear and are lying on the massage mats on the floor in a beautifully restful Thai spa room. Then add in one little hurricane that we call JBB and it wasn't the most relaxing massage I have ever had in my life. At one point, he found a box and put it on my face, throughout the whole time he was climbing all over us, pushing anything that he could find around the room, trying to massage us, talking to the Thai masseuse ladies (who adored him) and screaming in delight at the top of his lungs. As I say, I didn't walk out of the room completely relaxed but I did walk out of there completely happy.
Today, I went for another massage (foot reflexology and back and shoulder) and JourneyMan took JBB shopping. When I got back (completely relaxed this time!!) I found JBB in a shirt with a picture of Papa Smurf on it with a caption - I Heart Papa. I was laughing for a while because it is a pretty cool shirt but I was happy for JourneyMan because JBB has plenty of shirts that say things like 'my heart belongs to mum', 'I dig my mum' etc (incidentally, I have only bought him one of these tops, he has been given all of the others) and JourneyMan has often complained that there are no shirts around saying 'I love my Dad' - they all tend to say, 'my dad loves me'. So JourneyMan is all chuffed with JBB's shirt and I can see JBB wearing it a lot in the future..
We finished off the day with a swim in the pool and some pants off time for JBB on the outdoor deck in our room. Yesterday, pants off time (he's got a bit of nappy rash and we want to let the air onto his bum) ended abruptly when JBB squatted down to leave a poo on the decking. I was taking a picture of him at the time - though had accidentally hit the video button and we now have it captured for all time. I'm saying we will use it for JBB's 21st birthday party but JourneyMan refuses - I have to admit, I don't think I could be that cruel. Gosh we laughed though and crazily enough, these moments mean as much to me as the beautiful ones when JBB comes to give me a hug or a kiss. These are the intimate moments that no-one else sees, these are the moments that make our family. Honestly, I am having the time of my life, poop deck and all!!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
36 Eggs, what the!?!?
You read that right, yes, 36 eggs!! I was in total shock and this is double what the donor had last time. The doctor has said that this should result in 6 excellent quality blastocysts. I really hope that there will be some fabulous quality embryo's and that one will hang on for dear life.
It has been a very good day, one that I will always remember. It started out a bit shaky because we got on the wrong train as well as getting lost in the building that the clinic is in. Finally we got there and surprisingly enough, didn't get the greeting that we were expecting. So far, everywhere that we go, JBB has been treated like a celebrity - everyone wants to greet him, hold him, play with him and let me tell you, he is not minding the attention!! However, when we go to the clinic, we didn't see anyone that we knew and they didn't seem to know that we had an appointment. We also thought that there would be some excitement to see JBB but it was all a bit puzzling.
Finally, after a bit (and I must confess here, it was about two minutes) our patient coordinator came rushing to us with big hugs and exclamations about JBB. Phew, we were in the right place!! Immediately, JourneyMan was rushed off to produce his sample and I know we are juvenile but we had a little snicker when he got back. Throughout the morning, we had blood tests, I had the lovely vaginal scan (ah, my old friend, I have not missed your cold embrace) and then had a chat to the doctor. My lining measured 10mm which I believe is pretty good so I think it is all looking okay right now. The doctor had just come back from a conference in Melbourne (our home town) and he also met our fertility specialist whilst there - it truly is a small world!!
The best part of the day then happened. The donor came toward me and I recognized her face immediately because it is the face of my beautiful JBB whose face I know every millimeter of intimately. It was a truly moving moment, she walked into my arms for an embrace and the love and thanks that I feel for this gorgeous woman is overwhelming. That embrace was a truly special moment and I couldn't ask for a more special woman to be the donor of our JBB (and hopefully JBBS). She then saw JBB and pointed at his face and then at her own. I had tears in my eyes and still do now. We all sat down for a chat and she held JBB and played with him. We had many photos and she also wanted photos of all of us but of course, especially, JBB. She speaks English pretty well but there were some difficulties, our patient coordinator needed to translate some things. JourneyMan wanted to thank her especially for JBB but also for helping to see if he could have a full blood sibling.
There were some base emotions there for me as well and whilst love and thankfulness topped the list, there was also a slight feeling of wariness, no actually, more like watchelfullness. I wanted to see JBB's reaction, would there be an instant rapport because of biology and at one point there I had a momentary intake of breathe when JBB reached out to touch the donor's face. After a while, JBB got sick of playing and put his arms our to come back to me and I exhaled, of course I am his mum, no question.
I was able to give the present from my mum to her and when I was explaining to the donor about what JBB means to my family, I really started crying and we hugged. I didn't want the moment to end, it was beautiful.
A very, very good day.
It has been a very good day, one that I will always remember. It started out a bit shaky because we got on the wrong train as well as getting lost in the building that the clinic is in. Finally we got there and surprisingly enough, didn't get the greeting that we were expecting. So far, everywhere that we go, JBB has been treated like a celebrity - everyone wants to greet him, hold him, play with him and let me tell you, he is not minding the attention!! However, when we go to the clinic, we didn't see anyone that we knew and they didn't seem to know that we had an appointment. We also thought that there would be some excitement to see JBB but it was all a bit puzzling.
Finally, after a bit (and I must confess here, it was about two minutes) our patient coordinator came rushing to us with big hugs and exclamations about JBB. Phew, we were in the right place!! Immediately, JourneyMan was rushed off to produce his sample and I know we are juvenile but we had a little snicker when he got back. Throughout the morning, we had blood tests, I had the lovely vaginal scan (ah, my old friend, I have not missed your cold embrace) and then had a chat to the doctor. My lining measured 10mm which I believe is pretty good so I think it is all looking okay right now. The doctor had just come back from a conference in Melbourne (our home town) and he also met our fertility specialist whilst there - it truly is a small world!!
The best part of the day then happened. The donor came toward me and I recognized her face immediately because it is the face of my beautiful JBB whose face I know every millimeter of intimately. It was a truly moving moment, she walked into my arms for an embrace and the love and thanks that I feel for this gorgeous woman is overwhelming. That embrace was a truly special moment and I couldn't ask for a more special woman to be the donor of our JBB (and hopefully JBBS). She then saw JBB and pointed at his face and then at her own. I had tears in my eyes and still do now. We all sat down for a chat and she held JBB and played with him. We had many photos and she also wanted photos of all of us but of course, especially, JBB. She speaks English pretty well but there were some difficulties, our patient coordinator needed to translate some things. JourneyMan wanted to thank her especially for JBB but also for helping to see if he could have a full blood sibling.
There were some base emotions there for me as well and whilst love and thankfulness topped the list, there was also a slight feeling of wariness, no actually, more like watchelfullness. I wanted to see JBB's reaction, would there be an instant rapport because of biology and at one point there I had a momentary intake of breathe when JBB reached out to touch the donor's face. After a while, JBB got sick of playing and put his arms our to come back to me and I exhaled, of course I am his mum, no question.
I was able to give the present from my mum to her and when I was explaining to the donor about what JBB means to my family, I really started crying and we hugged. I didn't want the moment to end, it was beautiful.
A very, very good day.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
15 Follicles!!
So we have arrived in Thailand and the flight was okay. JBB slept for about 3 hours on the 9 hour flight and then only for about 3 hours over night so we are all a bit tired and cranky.
We've had a swim this morning and a beautiful breakfast so we are all feeling a bit better now.
We have had word from the clinic and the donor has 15 good size follicles and she will be having the pick up tomorrow at 8:30am. We will be at the clinic tomorrow and I hope that we will get to meet the donor again and get some pics with JBB. We also have the gift for her from my mum.
Today is going to be all about getting organised and hopefully getting all of us onto Bangkok time.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
We are at the airport!!
In the Qantas business lounge if you don't mind!!
We had a lovely time last night with JourneyMan's family and thankfully we all had a great sleep last night!! I went to acupuncture this morning and stocked up on the herbs for before and after transfer and we got a few last minute things done and then my Mum took us out to the airport.
The drive to the airport (about 45mins) was a bit trying as JBB was over the car in about 20mins - this does not bode well for the 9 hour flight in front of us!! We had express check in because we are flying Jetstar business class (we are very happy with it so far!!) and got through security and customs without a hitch. I had read up on all of the fluid rules and everything like that and had packed everything so I could whip it out and they could check everything as we went through.
We are now waiting for our flight to be called in the Qantas Business club lounge. JBB is having a spot to eat and we are letting him run rampant around the lounge (thankfully there are not many people around) to see if we can tucker him out before we take him on the flight.
I have been dreading the airport and the flight but so far the airport has been great. JBB just wants to have a look at everything, he is having a wow of a time. The biggest test will be the flight - wish us luck (and a sleepy baby!!).
Monday, October 3, 2011
1 More Sleep!!
It is getting very exciting people!! Holy moly though, I am super duper tired because JBB woke up at 3am this morning and then I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am a bit of a walking zombie!! Luckily, I have my checklists to go through tonight to make sure that we have everything organised for the trip.
I am just about to finish up with work so that I can get home to get the finishing touches done on the packing and the cleaning – though I am tempted to leave JBB with my Mum for an extra hour and sneak in a small sleep – I don’t think that she would be that impressed though. She keeps on telling him how much she is going to miss him though so perhaps I would get away with it!!
I wonder how this cycle will go. I kind of think that if it worked last time, it should work this time, right? Who knows though, we should know in 18 days – wow, that doesn’t even seem that long away!! Plus, those are some nice, fun days of no work, no cleaning and no cooking – a big huzzah to that my friends!!
I am really excited to be spending the next few weeks exclusively with JourneyMan and JBB – it should be a really fun time. We have been to Bangkok a few times so we have agreed that there won’t be that much sight seeing. I am looking forward to taking JBB to the Aquarium though!! There will be a lot of time spent by the pool playing with JBB and relaxing!! I am sure that I will be able to get a few Thai massages as well – heaven!! Koh Samui will be all about lazing on the beach though I think we are going to hire a car to go to the waterfalls one of the days so that should be nice.
We will have technology at our fingertips while we are away, so I will be posting about every time we dip a toe in the water – okay, so maybe not every time we go in the water but pretty often I think – I find it good to keep my thoughts together!!
25 hours till we leave people!!
I am just about to finish up with work so that I can get home to get the finishing touches done on the packing and the cleaning – though I am tempted to leave JBB with my Mum for an extra hour and sneak in a small sleep – I don’t think that she would be that impressed though. She keeps on telling him how much she is going to miss him though so perhaps I would get away with it!!
I wonder how this cycle will go. I kind of think that if it worked last time, it should work this time, right? Who knows though, we should know in 18 days – wow, that doesn’t even seem that long away!! Plus, those are some nice, fun days of no work, no cleaning and no cooking – a big huzzah to that my friends!!
I am really excited to be spending the next few weeks exclusively with JourneyMan and JBB – it should be a really fun time. We have been to Bangkok a few times so we have agreed that there won’t be that much sight seeing. I am looking forward to taking JBB to the Aquarium though!! There will be a lot of time spent by the pool playing with JBB and relaxing!! I am sure that I will be able to get a few Thai massages as well – heaven!! Koh Samui will be all about lazing on the beach though I think we are going to hire a car to go to the waterfalls one of the days so that should be nice.
We will have technology at our fingertips while we are away, so I will be posting about every time we dip a toe in the water – okay, so maybe not every time we go in the water but pretty often I think – I find it good to keep my thoughts together!!
25 hours till we leave people!!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Two more sleeps!
Huzzah!! The football is over and my team lost, which is disappointing but also a great relief that it is all done and dusted.
Can you believe that there are only two more sleeps until we go? I am really excited about getting this show on the road now and my motivation has come roaring back this morning. We are almost packed, just the last minute items plus some cleaning to do. I was up early this morning because I couldn't get back to sleep once I realized it was only 2 more sleeps to go.
We are going over to my mum and dads place today to catch up with all of my family, then both JourneyMan and I are working tomorrow and then we are going to have dinner at his mum and dads place and then, bam we are leaving on Tuesday. Our flight is at 3pm on Tuesday and I am hoping that JBB will sleep at least a few hours. The flight is probably my biggest concern, along with the time changes. I am expecting the flight to be pretty tough but I think that once we get to Thailand, we will be able to cope with any non sleeping etc because at least we don't have to get up for work!!
Yay, I feel good now. Despite the fact that I am nervous about the cycle, I am focussing in the time that we will be able to spend as a family!!
Can you believe that there are only two more sleeps until we go? I am really excited about getting this show on the road now and my motivation has come roaring back this morning. We are almost packed, just the last minute items plus some cleaning to do. I was up early this morning because I couldn't get back to sleep once I realized it was only 2 more sleeps to go.
We are going over to my mum and dads place today to catch up with all of my family, then both JourneyMan and I are working tomorrow and then we are going to have dinner at his mum and dads place and then, bam we are leaving on Tuesday. Our flight is at 3pm on Tuesday and I am hoping that JBB will sleep at least a few hours. The flight is probably my biggest concern, along with the time changes. I am expecting the flight to be pretty tough but I think that once we get to Thailand, we will be able to cope with any non sleeping etc because at least we don't have to get up for work!!
Yay, I feel good now. Despite the fact that I am nervous about the cycle, I am focussing in the time that we will be able to spend as a family!!
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