Amidst Grief, Cautious Optimism....

It is looking very promising and I am super thankful.  

Thank you all for your lovely messages about my Dad.  I arrived home safely on Sunday night, JourneyMan and JBB met us at the airport - they were both a sight for sore eyes, I can tell you - so much hugging, I was immediately comforted.  After tucking JBB in bed, I went straight to my Mum and Dad's place where my Mum, 2 sisters, brother and Aunt (Dad's sister) were all waiting for me.  As I hugged and cried with each of them, I realised how much love I have and how loved I am.  It was a beautifully sad night.

I won't go in to the whole story right now, suffice to say that the past 2 days have been spent making funeral arrangements.  I am emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted but amongst it all, I am also filled with hope that this might be our cherished second baby, a sibling for our darling JBB.  One thing that stands out in my mind over the past couple of days is that, I will not give up until JBB has a sibling.  Being surrounded by my sisters and brother, I have felt bathed in love, support and with a life shared.  I cannot imagine JBB not having that support in his life.  I am hoping that this cycle brings us a baby so that we can give the gift to both of them of companions to walk along life's road.

I now have to write my part of the eulogy for my Dad, I want to perfectly express how I felt about him in my life - especially how proud I am to be his daughter.

Shocked

My Dad died earlier today.  Unfortunately, I am still in Thailand and far away from my precious family at this time.  Poor JourneyMan had to break the news to me over a face time call - I was and am devastated.

As many of you know, Dad was sick with melanoma and hydrocephalus but before I left, he was okay.  Not fantastic, he wasn't improving or anything but he was okay.  When I said goodbye to him 10 days ago, I didn't know it was goodbye forever but I did cry.  I cried because he wished me good luck, and kissed me and then put his hands on the sides of my face and said goodbye and good luck again.  

Thankfully my Bestie is here with me in Thailand and has been of tower of strength and support.  I can never thank her enough for what she has done for me on this trip, she personifies true friendship.  She organised and earlier flight home for us in a snap and has basically organised everything for us to be heading out in a few short hours.  She is a legend.

I have spoken to my Mum, my brother and my younger sister.  My older sister was also away when he died so I haven't spoken to her yet.  He died at home, surrounded by love - my Mum, brother, younger sister and my Aunt (Dad's sister) were all there surrounding him, that makes me so happy.  My younger sister kissed him goodbye for me, I am so grateful to her for doing that.  I told my brother how thankful and proud of him I am - he did so much for Dad in these last months - more than all of us put together.  I am not sure when the funeral is going to be but I will at least be home to help organise it and be there with my family.  They told me that his last words were to me, that he couldn't hold on any longer.  This tears me to pieces.

I cannot contemplate the fact that I will never see him again.  Will never have a joke with him, watch a footy game with him or take JBB over to see him, I don't know how any of that it is true, it just can't be.  

It is Father's Day in Australia tomorrow - the thought of it hurts me to my bones.  How can it be Father's Day and my Dad not be there?  Dad, I love you.  Thanks for being my Dad.

I can't write any more - it's all to raw, the shock is paralysing me. 

3dp5dt - Who is this person?

I have writers block.  I have had writers block for months so I have resorted to updates only and I know it has been boring arse and I am very sorry.  I am trying to dig myself out of this rut and start to write what I really want to write about and I guess at the moment, I need to explain how I am feeling.

For those of you experienced in the 2WW, you will know that it is a strange, half life where time is elastic and crazy is a permanent resident.  When else in your life is constant contemplation of when (and of course, how many times) to pee on a stick is a natural, even expected thought process.  Where others, who are part of our community will help you debate the benefits and drawbacks of testing early and even which tests are the best to use?

The 2WW takes a woman's ability to multi task to the ultimate level.  Watch as I view dvd's whilst searching the internet for stories of success from other IFers and research ways to improve my chances of implantation.  See how I eat my breakfast, have a conversation with my Bestie and all the time be thinking what maternity clothes I will need as well as planning when we would have the money to come back for the next cycle.

After so many 2WW's, I have realised that there is absolutely no way of busying yourself up to the point where you don't think of the cycle.  I have heard of people doing 2WW bucket lists or even just compiling a list of things to do to pass the time in the 2WW.  I have had 2WW's where I have been super busy and at work.  I have had 2WW's when I have been in a beach paradise.  I have had 2WW's that I have been on my own.  They have all been hard.

It's hard because I want it so bad. I also don't want to want it because I know I will be devastated if it doesn't work.  I want to let myself hope because I know that regardless of whether I have let myself hope or not, I will be just as devastated if it's negative.  How do you keep getting up to stand with your arms open wide without flinching, even just a little.  How do you not expect the slap down?  

I used to be wide open.  I took pride in the fact that if there was something that I feared, I would try to face it so it wouldn't have power over me.  I generally considered myself a brave person.  Now, sometimes, I don't recognise myself anymore.  Sometimes I can't help but think I am more like the dog that has been hit too many times.  I see myself cowering in the corner, trying to stand and open my trusting arms wide but knowing that the slap down is coming.  Who is this person and how did I get here?  Is there any chance of recovery or is this how I am going to be from now on?

Despite all this, I have hope.  I have let myself hope this cycle, it may be a quavering, uncertain hope but it is hope all the same.  I listen with happiness/uneasiness as people tell me that they have a good feeling about this cycle.  I think about the due date and plan our lives around it.  I think about how I will tell JourneyMan when I see the positive on the test.  I think about how we will ensure that JBB feels as completely loved as possible when the new baby comes along.  I think about bringing our family back to Thailand and not having to have a cycle, just to enrich our children's cultural experience.  I just can't stop thinking.

I am hugely bloated, I am not sleeping well, I have had a mild ache in my uterus (is it uteri if you have 2?) but other than that, I am completely symptom free.  I attribute all of the aforementioned 'symptoms' to the large cocktail of drugs that I am taking so no real indicator of anything.  I didn't really when I was in the 2WW for JBB either but I had the dizziness, that told me that something was different, I haven't had that.

It just drives me crazy not knowing and sometimes I think 'please, please don't hit me again, I am so tired of it, so very, very tired'.

The Transfer and 1DPT

The transfer itself went well, the lead up to it was a little rocky.  I woke up at 3am and 4am and someone in the hotel was smoking (despite it being a non smoking hotel) and it was coming through the vents to our room.  I was ropable and so first thing in the morning, we asked to move rooms because I just didn't want to stay in a room (especially on 2 days of bed rest) that was filled with smoke.  Before we requested this though, I had a call with JourneyMan's mum and JBB - it is sooooo nice to see him, I just miss my boys so much.

Changing rooms caused a bit of a debacle because initially they put us into a terrible room with a rollaway bed that looked out onto silo's - what!?!?!  I was very upset at this point and said 'I am going to the hospital, I need this organised and I don't need the stress'.  They said that they would organise it before we got back at about 4pm so we went off for our massage treatments, got packed up so they could move us and then met our car that we had booked for the day.

Until I got in the car I was a little bit stressed, then I had to let it all go.  The bestie was a mega champ in this respect - talking me down and making sure that I was relaxed before we got to the clinic.  Once we got there, we had time to grab some lunch and decompress.  Once I got up to the clinic, I was super relaxed.  I was completely prepared with my phone and headphones with my fertility mp3's on it and I had my book to read while I waited.

It all went off without a hitch and the two embies were some seriously good looking ones!!  I felt great and when we got back to the new room, it was good and had a lovely view of the pool.  So the rest of the night consisted of a phone call to JourneyMan, some texting to my people to update them, room service and some dvd's.

I got to sleep well last night but I woke at about 1:30am to wee and then I woke again at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep so I did some reading and texting to JourneyMan.  Unfortunately though, JBB has been sick - we think just with teeth coming but I can't help worrying - it physically hurts me to not be there to comfort him to make him feel better. 

I also was very down this morning, for the first time I really contemplated this cycle failing and it really upset me.  Once again JourneyMan and the Bestie came to the rescue - JourneyMan with some lovely text words and the Bestie with some good distraction techniques.

I had some reasonable face time with JBB and JourneyMan this afternoon and then it has just been movies and then some DVD's.  I am still worried and I think it is going to be a tough 2WW (which one isn't) - I just want this so desperately to work!!

Monks and Tigers and Elephants (oh my!)

We got out of Bangkok yesterday for a day tour in the Kanchanaburi province.  The day started out very early when the guide picked us up at the hotel at 4:30am.  Of course, I am also having Crin.one every day so I had to set the alarm for 3:45am so that I could do that and whilst I was lying down for the requisite half and hour afterwards, I called my boys to check in with them.  Thank goodness for technology honestly, I would be a lot sadder if I couldn't see and talk to my boys every day.

The drive out of Bangkok wasn't too bad - there was hardly any traffic and nothing was open at 4:30am!!  I really don't like driving (or being driven) in Thailand - the traffic is a scary anything goes type of situation and they like to drive fast.  We stopped to get a coffee (no decaf so I had to have a hot chocolate) and then got to the Bridge on the River Kwai at around 7am.  We had a quick look around there and our guide told us about much of the horrible history of the Burma railway where thousands of allied soldiers died construction the railway line from Burma into Thailand.

We then got to the Tiger Temple.  This temple for Buddhist monks was built in 1994 as a forest monastery.  The villagers gave the first orphan tiger to the temple in 1997 and over the years, the temple has become a breeding place for the tigers.  JourneyMan and I first visited the temple on our honeymoon, we went in the afternoon when the tigers were very sleepy in the heat of the day.  The fact that they are very docile in the afternoon has led people to believe that the tigers are drugged, after our experience yesterday, I definitely don't think that this is the case!

When we first arrived at the temple, we gave food to the monks.  We all had to line up and place the offerings in the bowls of the monks as they went by.  As a sign of respect, we had to dress appropriately (shoulders and knees covered) and take our shoes off.  We also had to make sure that we didn't touch the monks or the bowl that they were holding.  As they came past, we had to use two hands to put the offering in the bowl and then bow to the monk as they went past.  When we were given all of these instructions (by an Aussie guy no less!), my bestie and I looked at each other and said 'what the?', we were stressed that we wouldn't remember everything and offend the monks.  Once the process started though, it was okay but there were some stressful moments in there!

After we had given all of our food, we then went up to the temple where we able to feed some tiger cubs!  My gosh, this was so amazing but once again we got a good talking to that these are not domesticated cats, they are wild animals and that even the babies can do damage if they get a hold of you.  So, once again, it was an amazing experience but there was also quite a bit of fear there.  There were around 10 cubs being fed (we gave them bottled sweet milk) and they would put their paws onto our knees while they scarfed down their bottles.  Once they had all had their fill, we sat down and the monks gave a blessing, to the food and to everyone there.

Once the blessing was finished, we all sat down to have breakfast together.  Our guide was wonderful through this whole experience, helping us out with the tigers (there were many wranglers there as well), explaining the blessing as it was being said, taking pictures of us with the tigers and then getting our food for us (wonderful Thai dishes, delicious!!).  He also gave us many of the fruits to try, longan, longon, rambutan and mangosteens - the mangosteens especially were amazingly delicious!!

After breakfast, we took a tiger for a walk (yes, I know!!!) to go and have a wash and then (if you can believe it) we helped wash the tigers and fed them some chicken.  I always knew that we were going to feed the tiger some chicken and it was something that I thought 'no way, too scary' but they were amazingly gentle - JourneyDog who is Woolly is way chompier than these tigers were!!  Then we went into the tiger play area and were given big poles with play toys on the end of them and the tigers came in to play with us.  There was one wrangler per person in this area but still, the terror doing this was overwhelming.  My bestie and I lasted probably 5-10mins and then moved to a more remote area to watch - it was just so scary.

People then had pictures with the big tiger but my bestie and I sat that one out.  It had been such a full on morning, it was hard to believe that this had all happened before 10:30am!!  Once the pics were done, we took it in turns to walk with the big tiger to the canyon where we saw the big tigers at play in the water.  It was amazing to watch these big cats - such an overwhelming, exciting, scary, once in a lifetime experience!!

After we left the tiger temple, we had an early lunch at a beautiful outdoor Thai restaurant.  We sampled many Thai favourites - chicken in coconut, pork with hot basil and chilli (my favourite Thai dish) and chicken and cashews.  It was absolutely yummy and one of my favourite things of Thailand, sitting in a lush outdoor setting eating fragrant, delicious food!

We then went on to the elephant farm where the amazing experiences continued for the day.  We met the most beautiful, fun loving elephant called 'Full Moon' and we rode on her (bareback) in the water.  She sprayed us with her trunk and then took great delight in bucking us off into the water.  We got back on a few times and then she would buck us off again - of course there was a handler doing all of this as well but honestly, she was the most charming creature, we had a ball!  We had a water fight with her - she won!! She also picked us up (singly) with her trunk and allowed us to hug her. Her hide was leathery and bristly but so huggable - it was really the highlight of the day but once again, it wasn't without fear attached to it.  Sitting up on top of Full Moon, I couldn't help but think 'I am here for a cycle, I am a mother, I can't be hurt'!!

After getting changed into some dry clothes, we headed out to a section of the Burma railway that was built by hand, it was absolutely amazing - I can't believe that these poor POW's had to do this.  There was also a cave that the Japanese used as a hospital in the war and there was a Buddhist altar in there.  We asked our guide how we pray and then did what he said.  In the past, I have always asked for help for things in my life - usually around cycles for the past 5 years.  This trip, whenever I have prayed, I have just said thanks for the blessings that I already have - I do truly feel very lucky.  My mindset is so different this cycle.

Then we were finally on the road back to Bangkok.  This is always my least favourite part of the trip because we are on the scary roads, and I just want to get back because I am exhausted!  The drive was made that much more hairy when it started to rain quite heavily.  We had two things happen on the way back, my bestie needed to go to the toilet so badly and we got stuck in a traffic jam and she nearly had an accident in the car before we were able to stop for the toilet.  The other thing that happened was that to pass the time, we started looking through the photos that the guide had taken of us through the day.  Pretty soon, we realised that most of the photos showed us grinning, rictus like as if to say 'I'm having fun but am terrified of being eaten', we also realised that we are really two of the most non-photogenic people going around.  Then it got silly - we started laughing at the photos and couldn't stop - we were howling laughter and had tears pouring down our faces.  The worst photo was one of us at the Burma railway in what looks like a very downmarket clothing catalogue pose - everything about the photo was wrong and we couldn't look at it without tears of mirth running down our faces.  The poor tour guide did not know what the hell was going on and still, we couldn't stop laughing.  

Once we got back to the hotel, I had a chat with JourneyMan (JBB was in bed, sadly) and then we went and had a massage.  Life is pretty good here waiting for the transfer!!!

In Bangkok

It has been an eventful few days!  Let me go back to the beginning....

I worked on Thursday and was pretty busy in the morning but left at lunch time so that I could spend the afternoon with JBB.  I picked him up from daycare and we went and had some lunch with his Nanna and a friend of hers at a cafe near home that has a playground.  I wanted to really spend some quality time with him because I wasn't going to see him for 10 days, such a wrench!!  We had a lovely lunch and good play in the playground but we headed home because he hadn't had his afternoon sleep and he was super tired.

While he was asleep, I was able to finish off the last minute packing and got a head start on dinner.  He woke up pretty grumpy but there was a big thunderstorm so we had a great time listening to the thunder and seeing the lightening.  He would say 'sunder, mummy' and then give me a big hug, we wiled away the afternoon doing this.  It was so nice to spend the afternoon with him, especially because he was in a very affectionate mood.

Once JourneyMan got home, we had dinner and got JBB ready for bed, he was staying at my Mum's for the night while JourneyMan took us to the airport.  JBB was such a darling he went to bed very easily (after being hugged to within an inch of his life) and we had a cup of tea and then went to pick up my bestie on the way to the airport.  After saying goodbye to JourneyMan (I miss him!!), we checked in and after being up since 5am, we boarded the plane at 11pm - I was shattered.

The flight was not too bad, I slept most of the time but there was quite a bit of turbulence.  I don't mind those overnight flights from Melbourne to Bangkok, I don't really like spending a whole day on a flight I would much prefer to spend a night.  We arrived at the hotel at about 7am and were hoping that they would allow us to check in early, which they did.  Thank goodness too - we were sooooo tired and I also wanted to freshen up and change because I had the appointment at the clinic at 11am, no-one wants someone looking up their lady bits when you have been on a plane for 9 hours - belch!!

The clinic visit was a good one, my lining measured 11mm which is way better than the last 2 cycles, my oestrogen was excellent and my progesterone was pretty good.  I am now on 2 forms of oral progesterone as well as the Crin.one suppositories - hopefully that will work well.  The doctor is also flying out to Japan so the transfer has been moved up a day to Tuesday, hopefully the 5 days post transfer on the trip will help to give a good result this time!!

Since the clinic, it has been all systems go on 'Project R&R' and it has been pretty successful so far.  We spent time by the pool in the afternoon and last night I had a nice foot massage (though they did dig in a bit so it also was a bit hurry) and this morning I had a fabulous Thai massage with herbal compresses - hugely relaxing.  This was all after a lovely sleep in until 10am - wow, who would have thought that was possible!!

I've also have had 2 great Sk.ype calls with JourneyMan and JBB - it was wonderful to see my boys and JBB seems in very good form - he doesn't seem too upset without me, which I am hugely grateful for.  It is so amazing to see him every afternoon while he is getting ready for bed, he tells me what he has done for the day and loves having a chat with my bestie as well!!  He is such a cutie, I miss his hugs.

Tonight has been lovely too, we had a nice Thai dinner and then went to the movies - saw the Bourne Legacy, which was okay.  I have done my yoga, taken fistfuls of hormones and vitamins and am now preparing for bed.  Need to get up super early (4am - week!) tomorrow because we are going on a tour to see the tiger temple (we have breakfast with the monks and feed the baby tigers) and then we give some elephants a bath, it should be a super fun day.

I had better get off to bed so I can enjoy it - night!!

My bags are packed, I’m ready to go…..

I am all at once very excited and nervous and worried.  Excited at the prospect of having a holiday in Thailand and hopefully having a successful cycle and bringing another baby into our lives.  Nervous that this all will be for nought and once again, the cycle will be a bust and worried about leaving JBB because I know that he will miss me a lot and I am not sure that he understands what is going on.

JBB was very clingy this morning.  I have been telling him for a while that I am going away and that we will talk every day on the computer and that after 10 days I will be coming back.  I am not sure how much he understands but I hope that he is not too upset when I am not there.  We have tried to keep things as much as possible the same as when I am home though JourneyMan is leaving work earlier every day so that he can spend more time with him to help to reassure him.  We are going to Sk.ype every day and I hope that will help him out.  

So much of my time spent as a mother is being torn.  I try to make the best decisions that I can but sometimes the consequences are both good and bad at the same time.  I will enjoy my time in Thailand, it will be fun having my bestie there – just like old times but I do feel a bit sick in my stomach at the thought that I might be hurting JBB.  I know that in the long run (if the cycle is successful), he will benefit greatly from my time away as he will have a sibling for life but it is still hard when I won’t be there to tuck him in and comfort him when he is hurting etc.

There is a part of me that feels guilty about having fun while I am away but then I want to be as happy and calm as possible for the cycle.  At the end of the day though, mostly what I am trying to focus on is that I am doing the best for our family in the long run.  I need to relax, stay positive and feel in top condition for the transfer and hopefully, I will be able to give JBB the best gift of all.

Check the ticker people – only hours to go…..

2 More Sleeps – Calm

I woke up this morning and thought ‘2 more sleeps’ and I felt something.  It was a feeling that I had to take a moment to recognise.  I was calm, that was what I was feeling.  I am not a very calm person, I would usually describe myself as ‘passionate’ when I am being nice to myself or a ‘drama queen’ when I am a little bit over my craziness.  Calm, patient, serene – these are definitely words that I don’t think that I have ever heard linked to me before – in fact if that sat down next to me on the bus I would have trouble recognising them.  It has made me wonder from whence this new found calm has come?  

I can only imagine that it is the fact that I am ready.  I have looked at the last couple of cycles, reviewed my posts leading up to and during the cycles and from the true benefit of hindsight, even though at the time I thought I was ready, I wasn’t.  I feel pretty good about myself too, I think that I have done what I can to make the cycle a success.  I have by no means been perfect but definitely I have influenced what I could to make the cycle a success.  I mean, who the hell knows why a cycle succeeds or fails anyway, I sure as shit don’t and I am done with beating myself up with the multitude of ways that we all can do in a cycle.

I am not stressed.  I really, really hope that this cycle works but I am also satisfied that we have a workable plan B to go on with and I am not horrified by it.  Of course, I will be very upset if we have to do plan B but I accept that we may have to do it.  Work is also not stressful, though I have got quite a few last minute things to do, I am not stressed about it, I will hand over anything not done to my sidekick and will move on immediately.

I am tired but not the ‘falling asleep driving to work’ kind of dead exhausted that I was before the October and December cycles last year – now I am just your everyday working Mum type tired – I kind of expect that this is just how it is from now on.  

I am not over the top emotional – thankfully for JourneyMan, JBB and those around me, I am not snapping or crying or overly worried or anything that normally precedes a cycle for me – it is quite pleasant really!!

I may lose my shit tomorrow but for the moment I am revelling in this new found calm – it’s nice, I would definitely like to experience it again!!

My Darling 2 Year Old

We had the most wonderful 2^nd birthday for our darling JBB yesterday.  He woke at 6am as normal and we hung around together while JourneyMan had his sleep in for the week (we take it in turns of having a sleep in on the weekend days), only until 8-9 but that is a massive sleep in for both of us!!  I love my ‘Mummy and JBB time’ it’s so special, especially on his birthday.  I made him a train cake and stored it in the pantry over night – I showed JBB in the morning and he was over the moon about it – he kept wanting to go back and look at the ‘choo choo’.  Finally, we (okay me) got sick of waiting for pressie corner and we went to wake up JourneyMan.  JBB was shouting ‘corner, Daddy, corner’.

He didn’t really know how to open his pressies but by the end of the day, she sure knew how to rip into them and see what was inside.  We spoilt him with Thomas the Tank engine sheets and plate and cup set, finger puppets, a cloth tunnel, some building blocks and a small cubby house for the backyard – he was delighted with all of his presents, which made us delighted too.

We had our families (21 adults and 7 kids) around for a party.  Usually I stress out big time before parties and don’t really look forward to them at all, mainly because I think that I am a pretty shy and private person and being out there talking to people is pretty stressful, – even with family.  I also think that I worry about what people will judge me with – is there enough food, is it nice, was it fun or crap, is the house a disaster?  I did start stressing earlier in the week because there was so much to do

 but I decided to not worry about it and the good thing was, I really didn’t.  I also thought that if people want to judge me because there are some things out of place in the house, it is more about them than about me.  I didn’t run myself into the ground cleaning and I had chosen to get food and balloons delivered to make my life easier.  It worked, I was really organised, the cake was great fun to make and decorate and I think we all had a great time.

I was worried that JBB might be completely overwhelmed with the experience because he is quite a reserved kid and is very shy around most people, even family that he sees fairly regularly.  He was asleep when most of the people arrived and when he woke up, he sat with JourneyMan until he was ready to join the party.  JBB was a super darling the whole day.  He is such an easy going kid.  The other kids would take his toys from him and he wouldn’t cry or throw a tantrum – he would go and find something else to play with (or I would make the kid give it back to him – though I tried to just watch).  He had such a wonderful time, chasing bubbles and blowing out the candles and showing everyone his cubby house!  He had an early night and slept right through and was ecstatic to wake up to all his presents again today.

He is such a special presence in our lives – he brings me joy every day.  I know I am going to miss my boys so much when I am in Thailand – it is such a wrench to be away from them but it is all in a good cause and hopefully this cycle will be the one that completes our family!!

1 Week to Go - The Baby Shower Aftermath….

Back in July, I wrote this post about a friend of mine who was pregnant with her first child at 42 (I said 43 at the time but she is 42) and because she seemed very unexcited about the baby and shut down any excitement that I wanted to give her, I was peeved and confused by the situation.  It was something that I thought she would be ecstatic about but she did not seem so.

Anyway, the baby shower was a couple of weeks ago and I had another good talk to her.  It turns out that at the time she was terribly worried about the baby having down’s syndrome or having something wrong because she is an older mother.  She also just was not enjoying being pregnant, she just wanted to have the baby.  She made the most moving speech about how her life had turned around in the last 12 months, she had met her soul mate, she got pregnant, she got engaged, they moved in together – all in all a pretty busy 12 months.

I feel very bad now that I was slightly angry with her (even though she didn’t know it) because I made an assumption that her lack of excitement was because she wasn’t grateful enough and not because she was worried about the baby.  I mean seriously, I definitely understand the worry of pregnancy, I felt like I didn’t breathe out until I heard JBB cry.  It goes to show you that you really shouldn’t make assumptions about what’s going on with people – I was very wrong and of course, my judgements were about me and not my lovely friend.  

The baby shower made me realise another thing as well.  I like my friends and they really don’t deserve me constantly withdrawing from them all when cycles go bad, or actually even when I am cycling.  They are all very understanding and supportive, I believe I need to give them more credit.  Once this cycle is over, I have vowed to myself that whether it is positive or negative, I will have them all over for lunch or something – it will be fun!!  I will not necessarily tell them what is happening with the cycles (because I find that very hard) but there are plenty of other things to discuss!!  I had such a great time at the baby shower chatting and catching up with everyone, it was so nice – I really miss them.

In other worse news, this cold/flu/pharyngitis/pleurisy type sickness is still kicking my arse, I woke up at 2:30am this morning and didn’t get to sleep until after 4:30am (we get up at 6am) – my muscles were so sore I had to have an Epsom salt bath just to get back to sleep.  I keep thinking I am recovering and then it comes back.  Thankfully I am not too worried about the party now, I am just going to do what I can do and get as much rest as I can before I go.  I know it’s only a week but I feel if I can get some good rest in there before I go, I will be tip top by the time of the transfer – lucky it is 5 days after I get to Thailand – yayers!

9 Days to go - The dichotomy of confidence and fear

Generally I feel confident that this cycle will work, we have good embryos and I am in much better shape both mentally and physically than I was in the previous cycles, so really how can it not work right?  I have been catching myself talking about ‘when’ I am pregnant rather ‘if’, I am making plans that include my being pregnant (ie. Our family holiday at Christmas) and I imagine how I am going to share the news with everyone.  I think about how much I am going to try to enjoy the pregnancy more than I did with JBB (mostly I white knuckled it right through that pregnancy).

But then, a feeling of fear splashes over me like a bucket of ice water.  ‘What if it doesn’t work’?  These embryo’s are from the same batch in which 3 were unsuccessful – does that mean that they are a bad batch?  What if I have to send out that dreaded text message again ‘it’s negative, I don’t want to talk about it’.  What about if I have to feel that enormous feeling of hurt and failure again?  

This is the quintessential roller coaster that is IF.  There are never any solid answers because they don’t know everything and whilst the science has come along leaps and bounds, there is SOOOOO much that they don’t know.  Why do some embryos implant and some don’t?  Why does an embryo from a 41 year old woman implant naturally and an embryo from a 24 year old donor not?  What is the best protocol to use?  What are the best medications to get the best results?  What natural therapies work and what don’t?  The answer to all of these questions is, ‘we don’t really know’.  So, I pray, I get my good luck charms,, I do my yoga, I listen to my hypnosis mp3’s. I try to influence the outcome in any way possible.  At the end of the day though, what influence do I have?  I suspect very little.

I guess I have become a bit of a fatalist because now I think ‘if it’s meant to be, it will happen’.  This is extraordinarily ironic because amongst the things that fertiles have said to me that pisses me off mightily, it is this – ‘if it’s meant to be, it will happen’.  Gaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!  Honestly, it drives me crazy because then the thoughts come into my mind like ‘so a 15 year old is MEANT to get pregnant, and how about the baby that is born addicted to heroin, is that MEANT to happen’.  It is hard to reconcile these thoughts and the only way that I have been able to is to try to accept that life is really bloody unfair.

Don’t get me wrong, I will still do everything in my power to influence the outcome – I am still taking my herbs every day and having acupuncture every week, downing handfuls of pills and supplements each day and generally doing the myriad of things that I do before and during a cycle.  I think I am just coming to accept that I can’t control everything – probably a good lesson to learn considering I am 41!!

Anyway, most of the time I am confident but I am well and truly on the roller coaster.