On the knife edge...

I find myself on the verge of tears almost all of the time right now and I am searching for the reasons why.  I am wound so tight, the slightest thing will set me off – sometimes good things (like reading about Lifeslurper’s good news) or accidentally bump into the wall (I mean, come on – over-react much!??!).
 
There are so many emotions swirling around about this cycle – I need to explore a few of them to make sense of them:
 
1. Fear – the is the predominant feeling, I believe.  The thought of this not working and then being in that dark IF place is frightening beyond words.  I keep trying to face it in order to dispel it but honestly, the thought of fronting up for another cycle after this one, literally makes me want to vomit.  Each cycle takes so much physically, emotionally and mentally – it is very difficult to even contemplate having to go back for more.  I have tried to explain this to friends and family and mostly everyone has the same response ‘but surely it is easier this time because you have JBB’.  I totally get why people would have that response, I absolutely do and it definitely does make a difference that all the time we are going through the cycle we have the cute little man there to take the sting away.  However, there is something quite different about this cycle that I didn’t realise would be the case.  Last time, the cycle was really all about me – about me being mother finally, about having a baby of my own, about JourneyMan being a Dad etc.  This time, my main motivation is to provide a sibling for JBB, someone in the world
who is the same as him, so that they can both take comfort in each other.  I know that being a donor egg baby is becoming more prevalent in our but I would like them both to be able to turn to each other and draw comfort that they are both the same. I also love having siblings and I want to give them both the gift of each other, an ally in life, someone who can help them through the hard times and celebrate the great times as well (especially considering I am an older mother).  So, where does the fear fit in here – I think that it is tied in with thinking that I might not be able to provide that to JBB, that I will fall short, that I will not be good enough once again.  

2. Guilt – there is a measure of guilt that I feel in going back to the well a second time, asking for and expecting another miracle when we have been so blessed with JBB.  There is no greater joy that I feel when I look at his sweet little face but I can’t help but feel that we may be asking for too much when others are still waiting for their first.  What makes me think that we deserve to be twice blessed?

3. Tempting fate – being a slightly superstitious person – there is a small feeling of uneasiness about trying this all again for a second time.  Has our luck run out or will we cause it to run out because we are boldly going back for a second time – will this cause the fates to turn against us?
 
These are the raw thoughts that sit underneath my conscious ones and for the most part I don’t buy in to the whole deserving / not deserving, it just brings up too many questions about the many wonderful couples that I know who are still childless or the many other societal horrors such as heroin babies etc – I mean where is the deserving or not in there.
 
For what it’s worth, I am content that our Journey has brought us the delightful JBB and I hope (and sometimes pray, though I gave up on organised religion along time ago – I am still spiritual) that we will be successful on this cycle. Time is ticking away so quickly now, it is just over three weeks until we go to Thailand, for the most part, I look at JBB and and I'm excited and looking forward to the trip and the cycle.

Cycle 7: Thailand 2 Begins...

The cycle has now started!! I have started the birth control pill which will continue until 20 September and along with this comes, my old friend, the Cle.xane injections – booo. I will start the Progy.nova on 25 September is all goes to plan (which is hasn’t particularly this past week).

I have had a few tense moments earlier in the week because of course the period was 3 days late which caused me some angst as well as a flurry of emails back and forth to the clinic in Thailand. The angst was also not helped by me doing a spreadsheeted comparison of this cycle compared to the last cycle that we were successful with JBB – I freaked out when I realised that there was a huge difference in the protocol.

After quite a few days back and forth, they adjusted the cycle and told me to trust them. This was eerily like the first cycle when I freaked out because the transfer was going to be so late within my cycle though this time I was concerned because the transfer was much earlier in the cycle. I really do have to trust them, they did a great job last time and I have to hope that it will be just as good this time.

It is the control, you see, I feel so powerless – it is now largely out of my hands, I have been doing whatever I can to get my body ready. I think that is the thing that I find the hardest of all about this IF journey – I have endlessly tried to control the uncontrollable – you would think that I would have learnt not to years ago.

I have a lot to do over the next few weeks but I feel like I am pretty organised. I am hoping to have most of the packing done this weekend (apart from the last minute items of course – it helps that we are in the beginning of Spring and will go straight to summer clothes). I know that it seems crazy to be packing so far out but I am trying to reduce my stress levels as much as I can in the lead up to when we go.

Once we get to Bangkok, we will get in some serious fun and relaxation – plus, just the fact that there is no cooking or cleaning to do while we are there makes for a lot better cycle experience!!

I am hoping that 7 is a lucky number for us. Number 6 has always been my lucky number as I was born on the 6th August but 7 also runs a close second because my Mum and Nanna were both born on the 7th of August – I am hoping for their help on this cycle!!

An Obsession..

Whilst I spend as much of my time taking care of and playing with JBB, whenever we are apart, my mind is solely on Thailand and our second donor cycle. I am absolutely obsessed.

Just as an update on where we are at in the cycle: The period is due this weekend and then on 4 September, I start the birth control pill as well as the Clexane injections. We have paid the donor and we have paid most of the cycle costs, we are go for launch in less than 5 weeks!!!

Anyway, I was talking about obsession. I have several spreadsheets of planning, which includes a full packing list, I have budgeted and rebudgeted and no doubt will budget again, JourneyMan has contacted the airline about checking our pram at the gate, I have researched some JBB friendly activities close to our Bangkok hotel for us to enjoy as a family, every day I research more and more and my spreadsheets grow bigger and bigger. I am drinking my fertility tea, doing my castor oil packs, taking handfuls of vitamins, having acupuncture and the stinky herbs (she has just changed mine and bloody hell, they are rank) and I am listening to my subliminals every night!! I have actually started packing, JourneyMan made copies of all our documents and the document wallet is done, I have bought all of the bits and pieces and should be able to get the toiletry bags together over the weekend. I am constantly thinking of how we can keep JBB entertained on the flights. I think I need to add a fertility hypnosis to my day. I check the weather in Bangkok and Koh Samui every day (just as a matter of interest, it is the rainy season when we are going so we are expecting to get wet though at least we will be warm after a very long and cold winter). I can't help but research success rates of donor cycles and hope against hope that we are very, very lucky once again. I am thinking, considering, planning, researching and doing everything that I can.

I think that last weeks confluence of events was the bad talk that I had going on in my head but I think I am finally letting go of that though I have been very hard on myself and that is something that I need to improve. I have always been one to beat up on myself but thought I had improved dramatically over the years. Somehow though, once we were all booked in for this cycle, the negativity towards myself went into overdrive - I think because of the fear, that all consuming dread that I might end up back in the dark hole of IF negatives. I'm pulling myself together again now, I'm trying to be nicer to myself, I am trying to hold peace and hope in my heart (it helps to look at JBB and be thankful that we have such a beautiful, perfect little boy!!)

I think that the obsession will continue...

A week of shite...

This week has been the week from hell. I mean, I thought it would be because I had heaps of crap appointments mainly to get my horrible teeth fixed before what is hopefully a successful cycle and a pregnancy.

As a bit of a back story to this week, I have been afraid, so very afraid of a negative result. I feel like I'm holding on by a thread right now. I am absolutely exhausted and as normal with any cycle, the toll that it takes, psychologically, physically, financially and time wise is huge. I am trying to be positive. I am trying very hard not to think of the bad side of what could happen but sometimes it bubbles up within me and this week, it has happened on a number of occasions.

The week started with a visit to the endodontist to get the root canal continued on this was the one that acted up during the pregnancy with JBB and I finally got around to getting it fixed. I absolutely hate the dentist and I have already had a few root canals done and they were not pleasant. This one was no exception and of course it was horrible. The surprising part about it was that I was so tired that I started to fall asleep in it - how is that even possible, I was tensed up like you wouldn't believe - it goes to show you how tired I am, I guess.

The other thing of note that I did on Monday was drop my iPhone in the bath. I am honestly a cautionary tale around these bloody phones, 24 hours after I first got the iPhone, I drowned the thing in cola in my handbag and now this. I knew I would have to go to the Apple store to get it either fixed or replaced and that it was going to cost us money. I seem to be doing stupid things every day at this point.

On Tuesday, I was at the dentist - it was a continuation of the hour that I spent there on JBB's birthday the previous Friday. I had 5 fillings, can you believe it - 5, how is that even possible that I could need 5, seriously, it was really painful, my gums are absolutely shattered from all of the clamps, needles etc. The worse part of this was that it was during work and my friend, who I work with, was not feeling well and was looking at going home after I got back but it took so much longer than I thought and I was in the horrors that she could't leave because I was still gone. Finally I got back to work and thankfully she was feeling better but then I had to leave at my normal time because I had to go and get my phone fixed.

Wednesday, I had the lovely chance to take JBB to get his 1 year old immunisations and I also had to get the stitches removed from my leg as I had a cyst removed (thankfully it was just lymph and not melanoma which I was afraid of since that is what Dad's cancer originated as). JBB was very brave, especially since he had 3 injections, poor thing!! That night I had a bath with JBB and sat down to get him ready for bed and the wound where the stitches were ripped open. It was painful but the worst part was thinking that I would have to go to another bloody doctors appointment. JourneyMan took over putting JBB to bed and I called my Mum and she came around to have a look at it - she went up to the chemist and got some dressings to pull it together. Unfortunately, this small incident was enough for me to collapse into floods of tears. It wasn't really about the stitches, it was about the cycle, it was about being exhausted, it was about stress. Mum gave me a big hug and I got myself together a bit.

Thursday, I was back at the dentist for a cleaning, which was stinkingly painful because my gums were so sore from the previous work that I have had done. I also got the bill for the previous work I had done and I realized that altogether it would be costing us more than $3,000 and that is with the health care refunds - don't even get me started on my useless health insurance provider. My friend from work came with me to this appointment and poor her, she bore the brunt of another flood of tears. This money makes our cycle very difficult indeed to pay for - I am sooooo angry with myself for not realising the cost and putting us under even more pressure financially. How dumb can I be not looking in to this first but I really thought that I was doing the right thing. It took me awhile to get the tears back under control but finally did it but feel very stupid at the trouble I have caused us.

On Friday, the only appointment was with the maternal health nurse to see how JBB was tracking and people, her words were 'he is perfect' this we already knew but honestly, it was nice to hear. He is in the 95th percentile for height, he is going to be one tall dude I believe!! His weight is excellent and so is his development which is just lovely to hear. We all went to my Mum and Dad's for dinner and then I stayed to watch the footy with my Dad and JourneyMan took JBB home for bed.

That brings me to today. I have my acupuncture appointment on Saturday's and as I was pulling in to a car spot and scraped the car along another car. I left a note on the car with my phone number and everything and then had to continue on to my appointment and when my acupuncturist asked me how I am, well, of course, the floods of tears came again. Honestly, I am a mess.

I am hoping that I can get myself together, I really need to be in a better frame of mind before the trip and cycle. This week is a little less daunting and thankfully the dental work will be finished on Monday with a final trip to the dentist for another filling and the endodontist to complete the root canal. Hopefully I can then start to relax - yeah right.

JBB is One Year Old - an amazing year!!

I was up at 4am this morning, cos that is when JBB woke up. I was up at 4am on this day last year too but that was because I was so excited to meet JBB. It has been an amazing year because of one amazing little guy.

Let's talk about how amazing he is - well firstly, he was the only embryo to survive out of 8 embryos (and 18 eggs collected!!). He got to full term in my half size (or a little bigger my fertility specialist says) unicornuate uterus!! He was healthy when he was born and despite losing a little weight in the hospital he has absolutely thrived. Many people have asked if he is two, he is so tall (like his Dad).

We have had the best fun today. He woke his Dad up at 6am, saying (very loudly) Dadda!! He had a ball in pressie corner - we gave him a plastic hammer and nail set and P.S. - we get the prize for most ill advised first birthday present for a boy, ever!! He got the hang of the hammer straight away and has been hammering the hell out of all of his toys all day!! We also got him some bubble stuff (he thinks that they are fabulous), some punching balloons and pool toy to take to Thailand.

After some lovely play time, he went for a big sleep and then I had to go to the dentist (boooo, I hate the dentist and more on that tomorrow) so JourneyMan's mum came over to babysit him, she was so happy to see him on his birthday. When I got home, I had a coffee (decaffinated of course!!) with JBB's Nanna and then we went around to see my Mum and Dad where he had another pressie corner. My Mum told me that she had a message from her Mum that day. She had been looking through some of Nanna's old holiday books (which she had looked through many times before) and all of a sudden some folded up money fell out of the books - it had been in there since Nanna had had them. So Mum gave the money to JBB for his birthday, she was sure that was Nanna's message to her. We cried when my Mum told me about it - we both miss her so much, especially at this time of year because my birthday is on the 6th of August and both my Mum and Nanna's are on the 7th of August. I have been talking to her lately (when I am in the bathroom, there are some coloured bottles of hers that I talk to - crazy, me?!?!? No!!!), asking for her help for us to be successful in Thailand. I have also been talking my Dad's Mum (my Auntie gave me a big, white bear from her for JBB), she loves little girls, so I have been asking for her help for JBB to have a little sister (not that I care too much because I just want a healthy baby).

Anyway, back to JBB's birthday. He had a little afternoon sleep and since then we have been playing with his balloons, making bubbles and playing peek-a-boo!! I am looking forward to JourneyMan getting home from work so we can have a lovely family dinner and singing happy birthday to the birthday boy (for about the 30th time today!!).

All day, I haven't been able to stop thinking about this day 12 months ago. The fear and excitement of getting to the hospital and having the ceasarean. I can't help but remember the pain of the spinal block, I started crying because it hurt and then couldn't stop crying - I think because of the built up emotion of the past 9 months and really the 3 years before that. I don't think in the pregnancy, I ever really let go of the fear that something would happen. Once I started crying, I couldn't stop and when they let JourneyMan back in and he asked how I was, I started crying harder. Only minutes later I heard JBB cry for the first time (like a little squeaky toy) and the absolute relief and utter joy that hit me caused more floods of tears. His little face as they cleaned the goop off him right in front of me is imprinted in my brain for ever.

After that, I went to recovery and JourneyMan went with JBB - he has shown me the video's since and we watched it again the other night - I can't believe how small he was, I can't believe how much he has grown. I can't believe the miracle of changes, development and learning that happen in front of my eyes every day. On that day though, I saw JBB again wrapped and in the arms of JourneyMan, it was a beautiful sight!! The rest of the day past by in a blur of first breastfeeding and many, many visitors. The feeling of joy and contentment that I felt that day have not gone away.

This message is especially for JBB:

You have changed my life completely. You're smiles make my days happy, your laugh makes my heart overflow with joy, your cries make me want to wrap you up and comfort you forever. The giggles that you have when you falling asleep make me giggle uncontrollably (and also not want to put you to bed!). When you said 'Mummy' for the first time (and every subsequent time!), my heart melted. When you give me kisses, I want to hug you and never let you go! You are so smart, you have learnt so much in such a short time, you are curious about everything and the way that you love other people shows how big a heart you have. You were worth waiting for, my darling, I love every minute we get to be together. Happy Birthday and my this be the first of many, many, many more!!

The Party is Over....

Thanks for your comments, guys - honestly the IF community is serious wonderful - you can disappear of the face of the earth and then come back and some people are still reading and supporting - you are great!

So, the party!! It was a lovely day and night and we all had an absolutely wonderful time at the party!! Gosh, it has been a full on few days though!! I finished work on Thursday afternoon and it was go, go, go until a couple of hours ago when Journeyman and I sat down and sighed with relief that it was all done!

I got my 75 cupcakes made and decorated and into the shape of a number 1 for Riley's birthday cake - I think that they looked lovely, I am really proud of them and it was such a labour of love. As I decorated each little cupcake that I thought about all of the love and joy that JBB has brought into my life over the past year and I put all of that love into the cakes - it made me so happy to make the cake for him and I am going to do it every year for him (and hopefully a sister or brother for him). I really like baking and even though he won't know or remember, it is something special that I want to do for him.

JBB was such a trooper at the party. He had luckily had a big sleep just before we went to the party at 3pm and he had a wonderful time despite it being hugely loud and overwhelming (for me anyway!!). A girlfriend from work did face painting and balloon animals for the 23 kids that attended and she was a big hit. She actually brought along bubble machine and that charmed the heck out of JBB, he loved the bubbles and fought hard for a spot in front to catch them!!

For me, turning 40 was strange - basically because I literally am having trouble believing that I am 40. I am not afraid of it, I mean, my life is absolutely wonderful, I have a sensational husband, a gorgeous miracle son, unbelievable supportive family including 2 wonderful sisters, a brilliant brother, fabulous nieces and nephews, the best Mum and Dad in the world, an Aunty who is like a second mother to me a best friend (who I've known since I was 7 and now work with) who is the most supportive, fun, amazing friend in the world!! I have great in-laws who I love and an amazing bunch of friends who are always there for me to listen, provide sage advice or to just make me laugh.

Don't get me wrong, my life is not perfect. My poor Dad is wasting away, he is not even getting out of bed at the moment and it is breaking my heart to see a once, extremely vital man becoming more and more frail. I am also in alot of pain most 6 out of every 7 days at the moment - I don't know what happened after the pregnancy but the unicornuate uterus is giving me some serious grief right now. I had my third laparoscopy a few weeks ago to see if it could help alleviate the pain but unfortuately it didn't seem to do a great deal to help. My fertility specialist has said that my best option will be to have a full hysterectomy after I am done having the babies. That is just too big to even contemplate right now so I am putting it on the back burner.

Still though - the party yesterday made realise again how lucky I am. I am not a huge fan of parties, I get very stressed, especially in the lead up to and certainly, I don't like the attention being on me - it helped alot though that I was sharing the party with the real star of the show, JBB - that little treasure was the main attraction and that is the way is should be.

So, I am now 40, I thought I would be a bit more upset but honestly, how can I be upset with the life I have - as my bestie would say 'get a real problem!'. I have been wanting to do a retrospective of my 30's because they do bear some reflection, I will hopefully get to that this week.

So, JBB's real birthday is this Friday, so the festival of birthday fun will continue this week but I am knuckling down people, Thailand is my focus - it is time to dig in, concentrate on what needs to be done to be successful on this cycle and get in amongst it and do it!!

Back for round 2 (is anyone there?)

It’s been a long time since I have posted and too many things to catch up on in one post so I am going to focus on what is coming up.

Firstly, JBB and I are having a combined 1st and 40th birthday party this weekend at our local church hall from 3-8pm. There are around 50 adults and 23 children there, so it is going to be big and loads of fun. I can’t hardly believe that JBB is almost one year old, this year has gone so fast it’s unbelievable!!

Let’s talk about little JBB for awhile!! Well, he is just gorgeous and he is the absolute joy of my life. The poor thing was sick over the weekend (my birthday) and it has taken him awhile to recover, I am hoping he is going to be fit and well for the party.

He is jabbering away all of the time now, he can say ‘Mum’, ‘Dad’, ‘Nan’, Baby’, Bubba - but his favourite word at the moment is ‘Puppy’ – he loves saying Puppy and he loves JourneyDog who is Woolly, those two crack me up when they play together. He has not taken a step yet but he is on the absolute cusp – he can stand on his own and clap, he thinks he is it and a bit (and of course, he is!!) – he is in to everything around the house and when he crawls, he is sooooo fast!!

My birthday on the weekend was a bust because poor little JBB was sick and the party on Saturday is mainly for him – I hope that he is not too overwhelmed. My main goal on Saturday morning is to ensure that he gets heaps of sleep so he is raring to go at the party. A friend from work is a children’s party entertainer so she is doing face painting and balloon animals for the 23 kids that are coming along. I am making a cupcake cake in the shape of a ‘1’ for JBB – since the party is being catered, I really wanted to make something just for him. I did a test batch of the cupcakes last night and they tasted pretty good so it should be fun.

After that, I am ready to hunker down and be completely focussed on Thailand. As of today, there is only 55 days to go. I have been going to acupuncture, taking the chinese herbs, I listen to my subliminals each night, drinking fertility tea each day, I haven’t started the castor oil packs as yet, am going to do that tonight – it is all pretty much go but it has not been easy. With my Dad being sick, my Mum is run off her feet and can’t baby sit so I am having trouble with appointments with the little JBB in tow. I don’t feel as relaxed as last time, in fact, I am absolutely exhausted but I am hoping the 6 days in Thailand before the transfer will help to refresh me.

I feel quite alone in this cycle. Last time I felt like I had a lot of people really pulling for me but this time I feel it is our little family affair – everyone else has much stuff of their own on and I think a lot of people feel that since we already have JBB, it is not as big a deal. It feels like a big deal to me, in fact, in some ways it feels harder this time (in some ways it is easier too because we have had success before). I am extremely fearful of being dragged back into that black hole of cycle bfn. I am already preparing the barricades around myself.

I really hope that we will be successful. I really hope JBB will have a sibling. I really hope that after this, our cycle days will be over. I hope.

Struggling

Last night, I couldn't stop crying. Dad had the appointment (my Mum and Aunty went along) with the doctor yesterday and my sister and I went to see how they were going. My Aunty did a wonderful job of capturing all of the information from the doctor and she sent and email to all of us detailing what had happened. I have read it a few times but the part that leapt out at me was that 'with treatment he could have 2+ years and without it, probably around 12 months'. To see it in black and white - it was like a vice was put around my heart and some nasty bastard started winding it in. I started crying and unfortunately set off my sister and mum. We had a group hug and sobbed for a while.

Dad's not going that great. He had an accident and my Mum told me later that he said to her 'I'm going to have to go to a home, aren't I?'. My Mum burst out crying as she told me and seriously, that vice just got wound in tighter and tighter. I dread what is going to happen in the coming months. I dread it for my Dad, I dread it for my Mum - I dread it for all of us.

My younger sister is struggling and it is breaking my heart because, after years and years of trying to find the right man, it looks like he has finally shown up and I know that my sister can't help but wonder if Dad will be around to walk her down the aisle.

I don't mean to be a 'poor me' as I know that many of you have been through similar and even more horrendous situations - I am merely trying to express my feelings in a constructive way.

I'm trying to stay positive but also face the situation head-on but I am struggling.

Massive amounts of information....

Thank you to all of you for your very kind comments and best wishes, I really appreciate it.

My Dad definitely has lung cancer though we don't know what the treatment is going to be. I am worried about my Mum, she is taking it very hard (understandable) and is having trouble keeping myself, my two sisters and brother up to date on what's going on. I have told her that I will do the communicating for her so that she only has to remember to speak to me and I will keep the others informed. We have had a small piece of good news and that is that it is not anywhere else in his body. This week, he goes in to see the oncologist on Wednesday morning and on Wednesday arvo he is being operated on for a hernia (he is having a bad run). We will know more then. It is in my mind every moment of every day. I was talking to him on the phone today and he didn't sound great.

I'm having trouble sleeping because of the information going around in my head. I hope that he is not in pain, it is my overriding thought. The most painful thought is that my darling, sweet boy will most likely not remember him. This is always followed by the fact that Dad is so different from the man we grew up with that JourneyMan didn't even know that guy. It has been hard over the past few years because as pieces of Dad were taken away by the hydrocephallus, it became harder and harder to grieve. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of my old Dad and I started to think that it was harder to see that because I would grieve all over again. Now, everyday I wish for another one, or ten, or a hundred or a thousand.

There was a lovely moment on Friday. I was out to lunch with Mum, Dad, my Auntie and of course JBB. Dad was playing with JBB and put his finger in his mouth and said 'he has a tooth' - I said 'oh really' and felt for myself and sure enough, his little tooth had finally broken through (we had a very bad bout of diarrhea and nappy rash last week). Dad was absolutely stoked that he was the one to find it - I loved it too!! My Auntie took the most beautiful photo of Dad holding JBB, I have looked at it many times over the weekend.

In other news, we have booked in for our next cycle with the same donor that we used for JBB. We leave for Thailand on the 4th of October (I have added a countdown to the blog!!). I told Dad about it the other day, he was really excited for us and kept on saying to JBB - 'you might be getting a new brother or sister soon!', it was lovely. I have had a talk to JourneyMan and Mum about the trip to Thailand and we have all agreed that we have to go ahead with it - the opportunity to use the same donor is only available to us this year and so we really feel that we must take this opportunity while it is offered to us. We are booked in with the clinic and we have also booked our flights. I feel a bit weird about booking our trip and doing all of the research about it when I have Dad to worry about but by the same token, it is a distraction. I know 100% that Dad wants us to do this anyway.

I finally had the mammogram last Wednesday but won't get the results unitl Tuesday. I am hoping it will all be okay. The ultrasound woman seemed to think that it was just a fatty cyst so I am choosing to believe that that is what it is - especially since I get a few of those.

We are also preparing this week to go away for Easter. We are going to country Victoria to watch the Stawell Gift which is Australia's most famous (and I believe richest) foot race. The carnival runs over the whole of the Easter weekend and it is a really nice time. I have started writing a list of massive amounts of stuff that we will have to take with us, I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days.

The final news is about JBB. Gosh this little tyke is growing up quick, he keeps growing out of all of his clothes and this week has been a huge week of progress. He has taken a few crawling steps, he has started standing holding on to things, he got a tooth and he is, as always, the light of our lives. I took him to see JourneyMan play footy (Australian Rules Football) at our local club today and we had a great time!!

Well it is time for me to sign off. I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's blogs, I hope you are all going well.

I'm devastated..

My Mum called me the other night at 9:30pm and said that she was coming over to have a cup of tea. Immediately I was on my guard because she never comes over that late. The news was worse than I first thought. They have found a tumor in my Dad's lungs, it is the size of my fist.

I have been in shock since, I am also in shock, angry and bitter.

I am angry because last year, my Dad had pnuemonia and was in hospital where they took an x-ray of his lungs. The Oncologist looked at that x-ray compared with the one that he had during the week and was angry because the tumor was clearly visible 12 months ago. We have not had an official diagnosis as yet but we have pretty much been told that it is lung cancer. We have also heard that they probably won't be able to operate as it is too close to his heart.

The bitterness comes from the fact that my Dad was always the fittest Dad going around, he ran 9 marathons for crying out loud and whilst he smoked in his younger years, he hadn't since he was in his twenties. He has gone downhill in the last 5 years because of the hydracephallus and dementia but honestly, this is too much to bloody well take.

We won't get the official diagnosis and treatment plan until after Easter but I swing between great hope that he will be able to fight it but maybe I still can only see my fit, strong Dad from my childhood. I can't even write the negative thought, I just can't, it hurts too much.

I am reeling and I feel absolutely sick inside. I can't write anymore - I am too upset. It has been a frightfully hard few days and I don't think it is going to get easier any time soon.

The things people say...

I am still burning about a comment that one of the girls made to me when I picked up JBB from day care the other day. I had had a horrible day. I am still trying to find the best way to drive to and from work and the traffic on the way home was diabolical so I was late. Unfortunately, JBB was at the day care from 7am until 6:05pm. My nerves were frayed from the drive home knowing that I was eating in to my play time with JBB, with every passing minute I became more and more resentful of the time away from my darling boy. When I finally got there and saw him, my heart sang - the relief was amazing. It was short lived though, sadly - the girl said 'oh, here is the mother of the long lost baby'.

She might as well have punched me in the face, I was so shocked. Since then, I have run the gamut of emotions. Outrage that she could make such a judgement. Guilt that my little boy, the one that I went to hell and back to have, spent so long in day care, without me there to comfort and take care of him. Disappointment that my choices are so limited that if I want another baby, I have had to go back to work so soon. Anger at myself that some random woman's words could have such a profound effect on me.

I am hanging on a knife edge at the moment. I feel like if one small thing happens, I over-react hugely. I am really trying to hold it together as best as I possibly can. One agreement that I have made to myself is to make every moment with JBB count - no matter if it is when he is up in the middle of the night or he is giving me a cheeky smile when I get home, the time I have with him is precious.