An Obsession..

Whilst I spend as much of my time taking care of and playing with JBB, whenever we are apart, my mind is solely on Thailand and our second donor cycle. I am absolutely obsessed.

Just as an update on where we are at in the cycle: The period is due this weekend and then on 4 September, I start the birth control pill as well as the Clexane injections. We have paid the donor and we have paid most of the cycle costs, we are go for launch in less than 5 weeks!!!

Anyway, I was talking about obsession. I have several spreadsheets of planning, which includes a full packing list, I have budgeted and rebudgeted and no doubt will budget again, JourneyMan has contacted the airline about checking our pram at the gate, I have researched some JBB friendly activities close to our Bangkok hotel for us to enjoy as a family, every day I research more and more and my spreadsheets grow bigger and bigger. I am drinking my fertility tea, doing my castor oil packs, taking handfuls of vitamins, having acupuncture and the stinky herbs (she has just changed mine and bloody hell, they are rank) and I am listening to my subliminals every night!! I have actually started packing, JourneyMan made copies of all our documents and the document wallet is done, I have bought all of the bits and pieces and should be able to get the toiletry bags together over the weekend. I am constantly thinking of how we can keep JBB entertained on the flights. I think I need to add a fertility hypnosis to my day. I check the weather in Bangkok and Koh Samui every day (just as a matter of interest, it is the rainy season when we are going so we are expecting to get wet though at least we will be warm after a very long and cold winter). I can't help but research success rates of donor cycles and hope against hope that we are very, very lucky once again. I am thinking, considering, planning, researching and doing everything that I can.

I think that last weeks confluence of events was the bad talk that I had going on in my head but I think I am finally letting go of that though I have been very hard on myself and that is something that I need to improve. I have always been one to beat up on myself but thought I had improved dramatically over the years. Somehow though, once we were all booked in for this cycle, the negativity towards myself went into overdrive - I think because of the fear, that all consuming dread that I might end up back in the dark hole of IF negatives. I'm pulling myself together again now, I'm trying to be nicer to myself, I am trying to hold peace and hope in my heart (it helps to look at JBB and be thankful that we have such a beautiful, perfect little boy!!)

I think that the obsession will continue...