Just over 9 Weeks to Go!!

So, I am starting to get excited, there is only just over 9 weeks to go until I am off, once again, to Thailand.  I am definitely looking forward to it a lot more this time (than in December) because I will have my bestie there with me so it will be also a holiday as well as a cycle.

I am throwing everything I can at this cycle – and as per all of the other cycles that I have documented what I am doing, here I go again for cycle 9:

1. Still losing weight & exercising – I am booked in to do a 5km run on the 15^th of July.  Originally I wanted to do a 5km and a 10km but my knee has been a bit dodgy so I am erring on the side of caution.  My sister in law is doing the run with me – yay
2. Daily hot lemon – first thing in the morning as a stimulant for the liver and a detoxing agent
3. Daily internal bentonite clay – I know, this one is a bit out there but it is also for reducing toxicity in the body from the inside out – I feel like it works really well because it reduces headaches for me
4. Daily Supplement regime:  Magnesium, fish oil, pregnancy mulit, vitamin c, CoQ10, glucosamine, Vitex and a few more that I can’t remember right now
5. 2-3 Litres of water daily – to flush out my system
6. Skin brushing daily (yes, finally found the proper brush in the move – yay!!)
7. Twice daily Chinese herbs from my acupuncturist
8. Acupuncture once a week
9. Aromatherapy oils burning in the house when home (German chamomile, geranium, rose otto, lavender)
10. Indoor plants in the living areas of the house and air purifier in the bedroom for the breathing the best quality air
11. Yoga nightly (now that I have a nice warm room away from the hustle and bustle of the house, it is much easier!)
12. Epsom salt baths every second day
13. Castor Oil pack every second day
14. Body work (via some CD’s from ‘The Fertile Heart’) as well as some imaging work.
15. Visualisations / hypnosis and subliminals nightly

I am hoping that this all works and that this is the cycle for me.  One thing that I do know is that we have one embryo left that is exactly the same quality as JBB was so hopefully it is as tenacious as our little JBB and dig right in.

Melbourne is cold at the moment, very cold and I can’t wait for the heat and humidity of Thailand.  The warmth is very attractive!!

The official start of Cycle 9

So, I have kind of officially started cycle 9 – I am counting all fresh (7) and frozen (2) cycles in together for the sake of it and honestly, even a FET when you are going to Thailand for it feels pretty damn full on.  So, how do you ‘kind of’ start a cycle?  Well, my period was 10 days late so after an email discussion with the Thai doctor and a phone discussion with the Melbourne doctor, I started the BCP last week.  This, of course, means that I have also started the daily Clexane injections - joy. 

This is for much longer than the last few cycles and I am okay with it – after all, whatever it takes, right?

So, how do I feel now that this cycle has kind of already started?  I feel pretty good within myself.  I am doing everything in my power to lose weight and get my body right for the cycle.  I certainly feel very fit and my body definitely feels a lot stronger and fitter than I was for either of the last two failed cycles.

My mind is another matter though let me tell you that 90% of the time, I am upbeat, positive and excited about going to Thailand for the next cycle.  There is always a bit of an internal feeling of dread though.  For the most part, I am mostly focussing on the holiday aspect of going to Thailand and I am really looking forward to going in August and with my Bestie, it definitely feels more like a holiday break this time than a cycle (which was also the same as the cycle that we went and had JBB out of it!!).  

But sometimes when I turn really quickly, I can see the worm of dread coming up behind me, more like a basilisk of dread if the truth be told.  It is the fear of course.  The fear of the cycle not working again.  Of failure.  Of having to front up again and having my heart broken.  To tell all the people that are hoping along with me that it failed again, seeing the pity in their eyes.  Having to pick myself up again and get in for another go around.  Of ruining, what I hope will be a wonderful holiday with my Bestie with a failed cycle so that instead of saying ‘remember that grouse holiday that we took’ it will not be talked about because of the failure.

In some ways, I feel like most of my family and friends have kind of gotten used to it – the hope before the trip, the text messages while I am away, the return and the obligatory text message saying ‘it failed, I don’t want to talk about it’, me withdrawing from the world and then when I see everyone it’s a bit like ‘nobody mention the war’.  For me, the crushing disappointment does not change, it has been the same since the first cycle, though granted in that cycle there was a healthy dose of bewilderment and complete and utter shock at the fact that it was cancelled.  The shock of failure has lessened over time, certainly but the disappointment, the feeling of being broken, the devastation at failing everyone (especially JourneyMan and JBB) is as crippling as it was the very first cycle.

I hold steady in my belief that the 5 failed cycles that we endured before we had JBB were worth it because we had the child that was meant for us and he is wonderful.  I am sure that I will feel the same when we are hopefully successful again about the last 2 failed cycles but that, unfortunately, doesn’t make going through the failures any easier to bear.  The only thing that I can do is accept that there is going to be dread but I must not let it run my life or ruin the lead up to the trip. 

In other words, don’t look the basilisk in the eye. 

Another Step in the Journey…

When I named this blog, I predominantly hoped that the name could direct people to a  resource for anyone considering using donor eggs internationally or even just donor eggs.  The reason that I blog has always been as a catharsis and to document the journey but I really did hope that people who were in a similar situation could find information from someone who has lived it.  In my mind, I guess I thought that the ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would logically finish when we reached the finish line and had our baby.  But then when we had our darling JBB, I quickly realised that the journey would continue because we wanted him to have a sibling.  Then I kind of thought in my mind that once we had our family completed that our ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would be over.  I don’t think that is the case now.

I wrote some posts back when JBB was only a few months old.  I remember feeling uncomfortable at the time because I didn’t have any prepared answers for people enquiring about where JBB got his looks from.  I was feeling swirls of feelings that I am sure where in part being overwhelmed as a new mother (which I am sure any new mother can relate to) and being the mother of a donor egg baby and the different feelings and situations that come up as a result of that fact.

At the time, I thought that these feelings and situations were something that I needed to ‘get over’ and I would move on and continue the bliss of being JBB Mum.  More than a year later, I have realised that this Donor Eggs Journey will continue for all of our lives.  For the most part, we deal with anything that normal parents deal with:  joyful hugs, being our son’s hero’s, sleepless nights, teething, the terrible two’s and the myriad of things that are a part of any parents daily life but there are things that make our Journey special.  

We need to think of other things like how do we begin the discussion of telling JBB how he came into this world?  I have a folder of JBB’s journey that includes pictures of him as a blastocyst, pics of the donor and him, pics of the donor, information about the donor and information on how he can contact the donor.  We always need to consider the information that we give to people and what effect that it will have on JBB in the future.  JourneyMan has said that he doesn’t like to say how much JBB looks like him because I can never have that experience and he doesn’t want to rub it in to me, this is something that most Dad’s don’t have to think about.

Early on, despite being totally in love and bonded with my little cheekiness, there were times when I wondered if JBB would resent how he was brought into the world, that he would end up hating me because of the decisions that we made.  I also had some feelings that I wasn’t really JBB’s mother because he didn’t have my genetic material.  The concerns that I felt about not totally feeling like JBB’s mother have faded away entirely.  Who else is his mother if not me?  This feeling did not happen over night, there were events that have affected how I feel.  Meeting the donor again and seeing JBB with him made me realise that she is stranger to JBB, albeit a most generous, amazing one!  Of course, I also consider her a vital part of the ‘creation team’ that made JBB.  I am not particularly religious, but I think of the JourneyMan, the Donor and myself in a circle, around us are the many doctors and alternative therapists that contributed to creating JBB and surrounding us is some higher power that enable the miracle of our son.  There is no mistaking he is exactly that.  I don’t why but it used to annoy me when my Dad used to repeat that JBB is ‘a miracle’ but it did.  I think because it highlighted to me that it was easy for everyone else but we needed ‘a miracle’.  It doesn’t bother me when he says it now, I wholeheartedly agree.  There is no mistaking that this little boy is a miracle, a gift from God and I am grateful every day that he came into our lives.

A beautiful moment that I have tucked away in my mind happened a few weeks ago.  Whenever I pick JBB up from day care these days he wants to show me things.  The car that he has been playing with, the friend that he has made, the toys that he has had fun with that day, some photo’s on the wall.  A couple of weeks ago, he took me around to all of the staff members, he pointed to me and said ‘my Mummy’.  Through the tears that pricked in my eyes, I said ‘yes sweetheart, that’s right, I am your Mummy’. 

The Move...

Well, we have moved but it really was a case of ‘the best laid plans…’.  

It all started on Wednesday night last week when I was just about to put JBB to bed.  JourneyMan wasn’t home yet and I had kept JBB up a little later so that he could see his Dad before he went to bed.  Before I knew what was happening, JBB had climbed onto the kitchen bar stool and had fallen off it flat on his back and I heard his head whack onto the floorboards, it was sickening.

He started screaming immediately and I gathered him up to soothe him when I felt that the back of his head had already swelled up as big as a fist.  I was beside myself, I felt like a terrible, neglectful mother.  I called the ‘nurses on call’ phone line and they recommended that I take him to emergency because of the height that he fell from.

4 and a half hours later, we finally made it home with our little monkey who they declared probably had a bit of a headache but was okay otherwise.  I only got about 3 hours of sleep that night and we were already seriously behind in our packing.

On Friday, the day of the big move, we were up at 5am packing and getting everything ready – we were not really ready at all for the removalists to come, we still had mega amounts to fix.  I was already tired when the removalists came but we all had to soldier on.  Let me tell you a little about Friday.  It rained. A lot.  In fact, we got a months worth of rain in the one day.  This did not make the move go any easier.

I also critically misjudged the amount of work that this move was going to take and really when I look back, the last move that I planned was only my stuff from a one bedroom place.  Now our stuff has tripled (and then some!) and it took way longer.  The heating wasn’t working at the new house and honestly, it was soooo freezing.

Thankfully by the afternoon, the heating was fixed and JBB and JourneyDog had arrived to lend their hands to the move.  Well, honestly – their reactions to the new house made all the work worthwhile.  They ran and ran, laughing and barking and both were just delighted at the space that they now had to explore.  It made me sigh with relief, I would have been very upset if they didn’t take to it the way that they have.

It was not a perfect move.  We spent the rest of Saturday and Sunday cleaning the old place and readying it for the new tenant so the new house is a bit of a debacle.  So, I am going to have to take small steps at a time but I swear to you all that this house will be nice and organised and absolutely, 100% baby ready in the next few weeks.  

It is funny but I was saying to my bestie that I had previously had doubts about how I could handle another baby in the house.  I don’t feel that way any more.  I feel like I can now handle whatever comes my way.  I may wail for awhile, or procrastinate or get upset or want to throw my toys from the cot but as always, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and get busy being the best mum, wife, sister, daughter, niece and friend that I can be!!

The house is a mess, and I am bloody exhausted but I am very excited about what the future holds!

Letting go…..

We have been in our little house for nearly 6 years – I am staggered by that!  Now we are packing up six years of memories.  Before we moved in to this house, we weren’t married or even engaged, I had never even lived with a man before.  We weren’t infertile, we didn’t even know what a cycle was, we weren’t parents.  We didn’t have our darling JBB, we didn’t even have our little JourneyDog of Wool.  I was a different person then. 

It is nice that we feel the need to move because we became a family and our family has become too big for our house.  There were times in the journey that I didn’t think that this would ever happen.  I sometimes think that there are memories that I would like to forget, such as howling in pain after I went to egg pick up and there were no eggs but would I enjoy being JBB’s Mum so much if I didn’t have that memory?  Would I delight in the fact that every day he says ‘Mummy’ over and over again – I assure you, I never get sick of it.  

We’ve danced in that house, we’ve loved in that house, we’ve grieved in that house but most of all, we have lived.  We live a pretty quiet life.  We have friends that we see, we have family that we celebrate and commiserate with. We work, we play and we rest. Mostly, we have each other.  My life is filled with love and if I have had some grief along the way, it is a small price to pay for the amazing love that I have in my life.

For the past few months, I have been doing a lot of questioning.  Why is it so hard for me and not others?  Why, out of all my siblings, did I seem to get the defective bits?  Why do I even want another child, why can’t I be satisfied with one?  Why, why, why?  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve stopped questioning why, because really, what the hell does it matter?  I feel good that I let myself question and rail against the answers because I feel like I have a modicum of peace.  

We are clearing a lot out as we move – I love a good purge of stuff, it feels great.  I will take the memories with me, though - the good, the bad, the joyful and the sad – they’ve made me who I am and now I look toward our new house.  A house that has space for our family to expand once again.  I am really ready for this next cycle.  My arms, my mind and heart are open wide.

14.5 Weeks to Go – Many Updates and a Plan Update

Yikes – where is the time going?  The plan itself has been going very well, I am losing weight consistently and I have been doing many of my ancillary fertility treatments.  The move has made things extra busy, we are now full on in the midst of packing up to go to the new house as well as keeping everything spick and span for the open for inspections on our current place – a bit of a tricky business I tell you!!  In true JourneyGirl  style – I have spreadsheets galore for the move (cue JourneyMan rolling his eyes).  There are timeframes, schedules on when to pack and all of the things that you have to do in a move!  We are also using this opportunity to declutter and clean up things that have been needing it for a while.

There has been quite a lot of movement cycle-wise in the past week because I learned from the clinic that my usual doctor was going to be at a conference in Japan on the day of our scheduled transfer.  This sent me into a bit of a spin because I trust this doctor and I don’t know the other doctor.  Said I could either have the transfer with the new doctor or they could move the the transfer to 2 days earlier and then I could have the doctor that I normally do. 

It was a little bit of a problem because the accommodation that I had already booked and paid for is non-refundable.  I thought long and hard about it and felt that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t move the dates a couple of days and had the other doctor and it didn’t work.  In the end, I decided to move my flight to 2 days earlier and stay in Thailand a little bit longer.  I saw it as a bit of a sign that I am supposed to have a little more rest after the transfer, rather than getting on a plane 2 days later which I have done for the past 2 cycles.  I will have an additional 2 days of R & R which hopefully will help (I mean all I have to do is just relax right?)

So, in a flurry of activity today, I have confirmed the new timeline with the clinic, changed my flight and transfers, updated my travel insurance and I am just waiting to see whether my bestie wants to come for the extra couple of days before I book the accommodation.  Phew!!  There is a lot going on at the moment!!

So – here is the latest plan update – feel free to skip over if you find it boring!

Physical:

Weight Loss: 

My weight is only down 11.2kg’s in total (though it is down 12.1kg’s from the last cycle).  This is great news and I am really happy that I am making a real difference to my weight this time.  I also feel a lot fitter and stronger which I think is even more important.

Exercise:       

• 3 X 30min Walk / Run sessions – I have changed this to 5 X 20min sessions in the morning at around 5:30am – gets the metabolism going!  I did 4 last week before I hurt my knee and now that the knee is better this week, I have already done 2.
• 3 X Weights program at the gym – This one is proving quite tough – I didn’t do any weights sessions last week – I am hoping for 2 this week at the gym tomorrow and Friday.
• Yoga daily – I have kind of given up on this until we move to the new house.  I was trying to do it in the loungeroom of a morning after my run but seriously when you have a 20month old and a Woolly dog fighting to sit on you or lick you, well, let’s just say not much relaxation has been going on!!
• Walking – Has been going excellently – last week had 3 X 60min walks with the bestie on our lunchbreaks at work.  This week we have already done 2 and have been battling the horrible weather but have still triumphed, I am proud!!
• I have been doing work on the bike 3-4 nights per week which is good.

Detoxification:

• Skin brushing daily – I am hoping to find my skin brush in the move but in the meantime I have been doing this every day with some natural fibre loofah’s!!
• Clay bath – I have removed this from regime as I don’t feel good about it and I am trusting my gut!
• Castor oil pack – I did two packs last week and I am hoping for 3 this week!!
• Vitamins and  Chinese Herbs – Going very well with these during the week – need to pull my socks up on the weekend as instead of twice a day, have only been doing once a day.
• Fertility Tea – have decided to start this once we have moved.

Mind / Body Connection:

• Imaging, Subliminals, hypnosis – I have been doing this most nights though I am not sure how much it is helping because I fell asleep before she finished the first sentence last night!!
• Mind Map – still haven’t done this one – need to get on to it asap – will probably have to wait until we move.
• Make myself ready for another baby – I do actually feel very ready – certainly more ready than I have felt before the previous cycles and I really think that the house move will be the icing on the cake, we can have a nursery set up all ready for the baby to come to us – yay!
• Meditation – hmmm, still need to get on to this – am going to have to postpone until after the move.
• Relaxation time – I have been having baths with some trashy magazines which I find super relaxing.  I also have a family girls day out on the weekend, we are going to have high tea and probably see a movie – yay, should be fun!!

Financial:

• Bills paid on time – had fallen a whisker behind in this but caught up again today, which is a relief!!
• Taxes complete and up to date – this is done for the most part but I do think there might be an error on it so I am going to review tomorrow and book in again to see the accountant because I think some things were missed.
• Stay within budget – this still needs some work, JourneyMan and I need to find some time to sit down and discuss.

House:

• Room ready for baby – This will be done in the new house, I am really looking forward to it!!
• Bedded down routines for cleaning – we have been going pretty well with this – it helps that we have had open for inspections and such on the house!!
• Bedded down routines for the cooking – mostly just trying to eat everything out of the fridge and freezer before we move!

Sleep:

• JBB started sleeping through the night again last week but now again has been waking up at 4am every day – thankfully he does go back to sleep until 5:30am which is slightly more civilised.  JourneyMan and JBB gave me a sleep in for mother’s day – honestly after a 9 hour sleep, I felt brand new!!

Expectations:

• Expectations are going very well – I have been cutting myself a break every now and then so feel pretty good about everything.

Overview:

 A fantastic week in pretty trying circumstances – I am hoping I can keep this level of energy and commitment up for the next 14.5 weeks!!

We're Moving!

It has been a pretty hectic couple of weeks. As per my plan (I need to do an update post on the plan but suffice to say it is all going very well), I got all of my taxes up to date and the accountant advised that we would be better off renting at this point and renting out our own place. So, since that meeting, we have been looking at houses to rent and getting an agent to rent out our place and we now we are moving to the new house in under 3 weeks! 

The house is beautiful, it has 3 large bedrooms, a nice big living area, a sunroom, renovated kitchen and bathroom and a lovely big backyard for JBB to stretch out his legs in. It is going to be nice to have some space around us as we have been pretty squashed in our place for the past few months. It is only a couple of suburbs away but closer to the city so both of our commutes will be shorter, yay! We will, however, have to move JBB from his current day care, after all the drama at the start, he loves it there now and doesn't want to come home when I pick him up! 

All the same, there is part of me that is sad to be leaving our house. It is the first place we have owned. It is the first place that JourneyMan and I lived together. It is the place that we got JourneyDog who is Woolly, it is where the whole of our IF journey has taken place. We have completely renovated the place and I am going to miss it but still, it will be nice to have space around us. Lastly, the new place sends a clear message to the universe that we have a room to fill. We have the space in our hearts and in our house for a beautiful sister or brother for JBB. 

I think it's a positive move for our family and I hope that family increases in the near future.

The Best Friendly Cycle

There have been some developments over the past few weeks, good and bad. First with the good news. My best mate is coming to Thailand with me whilst I am having the Thailand 2.2 cycle. I am really happy about this because last time I was pretty lonely. It was pretty tough being away from everyone and it will be heart wrenching to be away from Journeyman and JBB but at least I will have my lovely Bestie to chat with. We have travelled together many times. We have been to Bali a few times, worked together in London and travelled through the UK, we hiked up to Everest base camp in Nepal, we have been many places in Australia and have been to Cambodia and Thailand. I love traveling with her, we can sit by the pool for 5 hours and still not have enough time to talk about everything that we want to. She is also the person (apart from Journeyman) who understands and supports our journey completely, despite the fact that she doesn't want kids, she has never told me to shut the hell up about all the infertility talk. She is totally on my side and people like that are rare. She is a jewell in my life and I am super happy that she is coming with me. She knows all what the cycle entails and she is coming to the clinic with me as well, bless her! Thankfully there are a bazillion shops within walking distance of the clinic so when I am in the transfer for 3 hours, she can have a nice wander around and shop to her hearts content. It also makes it more of a holiday than a cycle which is nice and because we also work together, we can talk about it at work too, big yayers, it makes it all a bit more exciting. So that was the good news. The bad news is that I got the results of the battery of blood and urine tests that I've had recently and I got the results, some of which was very good, blood sugar is great (which is good because my mum has type 2 diabetes) and my one kidney is working gangbusters, which is fabulous. The bad news is that I tested positive for anti thyroid anti bodies and my FSH is 37 and am now classed as peri menopausal. I know that the FSH thing doesn't really affect the cycle because we are using donor eggs but I feel quite saddened by these results. I also have very low progesterone. I'm still trying to get my head around all of these things and I need to email the Thai clinic to let them know all of this. I'm just hoping that we can deal it and help the cycle to still be successful. All of this has resulted in my going of the rails eating, exercise and motivation wise and I need to claw my way back. I definitely will but I now already feel like time is running short to the cycle to make significant changes, less than 16 weeks to go. Pray for me to get my act together okay and if you have any anti thyroid antibody solutions or low progesterone suggestions, I would really appreciate it!

120 Days

My Dear Sweet JourneyBaby(s) to be,

I think of you every day.  I am trying absolutely everything in my power to get my body ready to receive you in. 

We have a great life and we are ready for you to bless us with your presence. 

Your Daddy wants to hug and kiss you and chase the monsters away for you.  He is a good Dad and he loves to play, read stories and go to the park!!  He will go to the ends of the earth to protect you and take it from me, there is no better comfort than a hug from your Dad.

Your brother loves babies, even a little baby he sees on the street, he wants to go and see.  He is a pretty considered fellow but once he has sized you up and you meet his approval, you will be protected for life.

JourneyDog will also protect you, he too will need a litte time to size you up but once he realises that you are his people, he will lay out any big or small dog that comes close to you.  He is also willing to clean up any food that you may drop on the floor, he's just that kind of dog.

There is something that we need from you, our little dear one.  We need you to be tenacious, we need you to (at the right time) grab on and not let go.  We need you to not give up.  I will provide as many nutrients as you can possibly want but you need to grab on and grow and grow and grow.

We are ready for the love in our family to once again expand exponetially and embrace you.  You are already loved.  You are already the most wanted child on earth.  You are already precious to us. 

My darling, I see you in my dreams.  I already hold you and sing my made up silly songs to make you laugh, to sooth you when you are upset and to send you off to sleep.  I want to be your soft place to land.  I want to be your anchor, your support.  I will wipe away your tears when you cry, I will gladly get up in the middle of the night to feed you or to soothe your fears.  I will nurse you when you are sick. 

Over the next 120 days, I will leave to go to Thailand and we will be together.  Over the next 120 days, I promise to do everything in my power to ensure that you have the most perfect place to grow.  Over the next 120 days, I will count down every moment and saturate every thought with the hope that you will come to your family.

I love you already.  I have loved you for years.  You are in my heart.

Lots of love,

Your Mummy to Be 

ANZAC Day

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

Lest we forget...                         Laurence Binyon

ANZAC - it stands for Australian New Zealand Army Corps. ANZAC Day is the day that we as Australians (and our brothers and sister in New Zealand) reflect on the people who have given the ultimate sacrifice for our country and to acknowledge and thank those who are still serving.

I live in a lucky country and I am proud to be Australian.  Thank you to all of those who have given their lives four our wonderfully beautiful country and thank you to all of those who are still overseas serving - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your families for your safe return.

Infertility: The Middle of Nowhere

I have a confession that I have never admitted even to myself.  In the past I have thought about taking my own life.  Mostly it was when I was younger and I hope that it was never really serious but definitely those thoughts were in my mind.  I specifically remember a time when I was living on my own, I was still drinking, so the shame / drinking spiral was getting tighter and tighter.  I was having an affair with a married man, I despised myself my bestie was overseas, I felt desolately alone.  I was mixing alcohol and sleeping pills at that time and remember being kind of worried about what I was doing but also kind of daring it to happen too.

It is 15 years from that time, I have almost 10 years alcohol free and I have a fantastic life, I am a completely different person, for the most part, I like who I am now.  I have amazing people around me.  I have a wonderful husband, the most gorgeous, hard won, precious child in the world, an amazing family and brilliant friends and yet sometimes the journey through infertility reverberates with those same  miserable feelings of isolation.  It is a different kind of isolation and I have heard many ways to describe it and I think that the one that resonates most with me is living behind a glass wall.  For me, the glass wall represents understanding.  In my real life, people don't get it.  They don't get that it this journey permeates every part of my life, every decision I make.  It dominates my thoughts and rules over our whole lives.  The wall is so high that I can't see what life would be like without it there, I have hope that I will recover but wounds that cause a person to howl with sadness are slow to heal - thinking about days of negative cycles, negative prognosis and negative outlooks still cause my heart to hurt even now.

I am not saying that I contemplate taking my own life now, wouldn't because I think it is a selfish thing to do - especially to the people that love, trust and depend on me.  I do, however, understand how people could move down this path if their IF journey progressed a certain way - things like turning away as a couple rather than seeking comfort from each other, not having a supportive group around them or even not having a blog world full of sisters who are there to hold your hand (virtually), provide feedback and basically to help you feel like you are not alone in this gut wrenching journey that hits at the very heart of what makes you a woman.

Sometimes I feel like I have had enough challenges in my life and wonder if I can take any more. Even finding out today that I am perimenopausal at 40 was a blow but most times I feel like the challenges that I have had in the past have provided me with the tools that I use to deal with this journey.  If I wasn't a recovering alcoholic, would I still have hope that I would recover one day from these years in the trenches?  If I didn't learn how to self assess my behaviours, would I be able to pass on these very necessary skills to my son to deal with life?

I would like to dedicate this post to the many, many sisters that I have gained on this journey.  If it wasn't for the inspirational, courageous words that I have read on posts or comments, the feelings of isolation that I have felt on this journey would be intensified exponetially.  Just knowing that you girls are out there reading, understanding, holding my hand makes the days easier.  A special shout out to my friend Lifeslurper who pushed me into starting my blog and telling me (very firmly I might add) to connect with the community over at Stirrup Queens, thank you - you changed my life.  To everyone else, your words change my life every day.  Thank you.