Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Another Step in the Journey…
When I named this blog, I predominantly hoped that the name could direct people to a resource for anyone considering using donor eggs internationally or even just donor eggs. The reason that I blog has always been as a catharsis and to document the journey but I really did hope that people who were in a similar situation could find information from someone who has lived it. In my mind, I guess I thought that the ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would logically finish when we reached the finish line and had our baby. But then when we had our darling JBB, I quickly realised that the journey would continue because we wanted him to have a sibling. Then I kind of thought in my mind that once we had our family completed that our ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would be over. I don’t think that is the case now.
I wrote some posts back when JBB was only a few months old. I remember feeling uncomfortable at the time because I didn’t have any prepared answers for people enquiring about where JBB got his looks from. I was feeling swirls of feelings that I am sure where in part being overwhelmed as a new mother (which I am sure any new mother can relate to) and being the mother of a donor egg baby and the different feelings and situations that come up as a result of that fact.
At the time, I thought that these feelings and situations were something that I needed to ‘get over’ and I would move on and continue the bliss of being JBB Mum. More than a year later, I have realised that this Donor Eggs Journey will continue for all of our lives. For the most part, we deal with anything that normal parents deal with: joyful hugs, being our son’s hero’s, sleepless nights, teething, the terrible two’s and the myriad of things that are a part of any parents daily life but there are things that make our Journey special.
We need to think of other things like how do we begin the discussion of telling JBB how he came into this world? I have a folder of JBB’s journey that includes pictures of him as a blastocyst, pics of the donor and him, pics of the donor, information about the donor and information on how he can contact the donor. We always need to consider the information that we give to people and what effect that it will have on JBB in the future. JourneyMan has said that he doesn’t like to say how much JBB looks like him because I can never have that experience and he doesn’t want to rub it in to me, this is something that most Dad’s don’t have to think about.
Early on, despite being totally in love and bonded with my little cheekiness, there were times when I wondered if JBB would resent how he was brought into the world, that he would end up hating me because of the decisions that we made. I also had some feelings that I wasn’t really JBB’s mother because he didn’t have my genetic material. The concerns that I felt about not totally feeling like JBB’s mother have faded away entirely. Who else is his mother if not me? This feeling did not happen over night, there were events that have affected how I feel. Meeting the donor again and seeing JBB with him made me realise that she is stranger to JBB, albeit a most generous, amazing one! Of course, I also consider her a vital part of the ‘creation team’ that made JBB. I am not particularly religious, but I think of the JourneyMan, the Donor and myself in a circle, around us are the many doctors and alternative therapists that contributed to creating JBB and surrounding us is some higher power that enable the miracle of our son. There is no mistaking he is exactly that. I don’t why but it used to annoy me when my Dad used to repeat that JBB is ‘a miracle’ but it did. I think because it highlighted to me that it was easy for everyone else but we needed ‘a miracle’. It doesn’t bother me when he says it now, I wholeheartedly agree. There is no mistaking that this little boy is a miracle, a gift from God and I am grateful every day that he came into our lives.
A beautiful moment that I have tucked away in my mind happened a few weeks ago. Whenever I pick JBB up from day care these days he wants to show me things. The car that he has been playing with, the friend that he has made, the toys that he has had fun with that day, some photo’s on the wall. A couple of weeks ago, he took me around to all of the staff members, he pointed to me and said ‘my Mummy’. Through the tears that pricked in my eyes, I said ‘yes sweetheart, that’s right, I am your Mummy’.