The official start of Cycle 9

So, I have kind of officially started cycle 9 – I am counting all fresh (7) and frozen (2) cycles in together for the sake of it and honestly, even a FET when you are going to Thailand for it feels pretty damn full on.  So, how do you ‘kind of’ start a cycle?  Well, my period was 10 days late so after an email discussion with the Thai doctor and a phone discussion with the Melbourne doctor, I started the BCP last week.  This, of course, means that I have also started the daily Clexane injections - joy. 

This is for much longer than the last few cycles and I am okay with it – after all, whatever it takes, right?

So, how do I feel now that this cycle has kind of already started?  I feel pretty good within myself.  I am doing everything in my power to lose weight and get my body right for the cycle.  I certainly feel very fit and my body definitely feels a lot stronger and fitter than I was for either of the last two failed cycles.

My mind is another matter though let me tell you that 90% of the time, I am upbeat, positive and excited about going to Thailand for the next cycle.  There is always a bit of an internal feeling of dread though.  For the most part, I am mostly focussing on the holiday aspect of going to Thailand and I am really looking forward to going in August and with my Bestie, it definitely feels more like a holiday break this time than a cycle (which was also the same as the cycle that we went and had JBB out of it!!).  

But sometimes when I turn really quickly, I can see the worm of dread coming up behind me, more like a basilisk of dread if the truth be told.  It is the fear of course.  The fear of the cycle not working again.  Of failure.  Of having to front up again and having my heart broken.  To tell all the people that are hoping along with me that it failed again, seeing the pity in their eyes.  Having to pick myself up again and get in for another go around.  Of ruining, what I hope will be a wonderful holiday with my Bestie with a failed cycle so that instead of saying ‘remember that grouse holiday that we took’ it will not be talked about because of the failure.

In some ways, I feel like most of my family and friends have kind of gotten used to it – the hope before the trip, the text messages while I am away, the return and the obligatory text message saying ‘it failed, I don’t want to talk about it’, me withdrawing from the world and then when I see everyone it’s a bit like ‘nobody mention the war’.  For me, the crushing disappointment does not change, it has been the same since the first cycle, though granted in that cycle there was a healthy dose of bewilderment and complete and utter shock at the fact that it was cancelled.  The shock of failure has lessened over time, certainly but the disappointment, the feeling of being broken, the devastation at failing everyone (especially JourneyMan and JBB) is as crippling as it was the very first cycle.

I hold steady in my belief that the 5 failed cycles that we endured before we had JBB were worth it because we had the child that was meant for us and he is wonderful.  I am sure that I will feel the same when we are hopefully successful again about the last 2 failed cycles but that, unfortunately, doesn’t make going through the failures any easier to bear.  The only thing that I can do is accept that there is going to be dread but I must not let it run my life or ruin the lead up to the trip. 

In other words, don’t look the basilisk in the eye.