Good News, Bad News

JBB went to the cardiologist on Wednesday and thankfully, he has been cleared of damage to his heart, so far. We go back in another 6 weeks so that they can make absolutely sure that nothing has changed, though they said that any damage at this time would be very rare indeed so I am very relieved and very hopeful that he will be fine. They have said that he can do sport and anything and that the only thing will be is that it will be an additional factor for heart disease later in his life. We have resolved to be very careful of our eating and exercising habits to pass these on to JBB.

On the bad news side, my Dad has been confirmed that the lumps in his adrenal gland and where they took his lung out are cancer. He has an appointment tomorrow to discuss treatment options but honestly, I have seen him a few times this week and he does not look good, in fact, he has looked worse each day. It is heartbreaking.

I am feeling very happy and very sad at the same time. So happy that JBB has so far escaped heart damage but so very sad at the pain and suffering my Dad is going through. I am still trying not to think about it too much. Thankfully, I am working from home tomorrow, I am pretty sure I couldn't take the news that my Mum will tell me at work.

On Hold....

We have had some more bad news last week. They have found a 6cm growth on his adrenal gland that was not there 3 months ago. Considering that he had melanoma and then lung cancer from the melanoma, this is pretty bad news. He had a full body scan yesterday and now we are waiting to see what the doctor says the next step is. So we are waiting.

In addition, JBB has his tests tomorrow to check that there has been no damage to his heart – we will not know the results until Monday and I am hoping against hope that he is cleared of damage to his heart but will just have to deal with it if the news is not good. He has been very good and active, so I am hoping that it means that he will be cleared but it is hard to know what is going to happen. But we are waiting.

I am trying very hard to not worry until I have something concrete to worry about but I do find it very difficult – especially when they are both important things. Add these to the waiting that I have done over the past 4 years with IVF and I feel like my life has become and interminable purgatory of waiting. You would think that after all of this time, I would have gotten better at it but it is very wearing.

My Mum tells me all the time how hard it is with Dad being sick (I honestly think that in the last 5 years, he’s had around 15 operations and a gazillion appointments) because she can’t make any plans – I absolutely know what she means cos we have been in the same place. We usually only book a holiday at the last minute because who knows if a cycle is going to happen and we have to be going to Thailand? Our Christmas holiday was cancelled, so that I could go to Thailand for the cycle and my sister asked me the other day if we were going to go next year – of course my answer is ‘who knows?’.

I feel like our life is mostly, waiting for the results of Dad’s operations and tests and waiting, preparing for or recovering from IVF cycles. We had a blissful (though not without a hell of a lot of worry) 8 months where we were waiting for JBB to be born and then another 5 months where he pretty much occupied my every thought but then it was back to work to get enough money for another cycle and the waiting began again. Now we have to wait to see what Dad’s treatment is going to be, wait to see what JBB’s results are going to be and then 6 months of waiting and preparing for another cycle.

I need some strategies to handle a life perpetually on hold – anyone got any ideas?

The Surrender

Thank you to you all for your amazing support and comments, you have been a lifeline to me in a very dark week.

I'm okay and not. I'm getting there and not. We already had plan b (plus plan C and D) in place before the negative was 100%. The plan being that I will go back on my own to Thailand for another FET but not for another 6 months. We need a break, we need to regroup and we definitely need time to heal. The last few months have been tough.

I was reading a lovely website called the Fertile Heart where I saw the questions 'what if The failure of your last IVF was the key That begins to unlock the mystery of your misconceptions? What if spending time with your tender broken heart can balance your hormones and help you heal every other failure that you Have avoided experiencing in your eventful life?' these questions resonated powerfully with me and I have been thinking of them ever since. For starters it has helped me to avoid the spiral of self recrimination and bitterness that normally accompany a cycle failure and that can only be a good thing, right?

Secondly, it has awakened me to a war that I have been fighting for years, a bitter hate filled war of disappointment and loathing. The sad, dismaying truth is that I have been waging a war upon and against my body for most of my life. I say things to myself that I would never say to even my bitterest enemy. I am constantly disappointed and deeply loathe how my body looks, feels and performs. I have tried for years to beat it into submission, to bend it to be what I think it 'should' be. I never give myself any credit for the successes that my body, or even my core self has achieved, not even the fact that I carried and bore the most beautiful and perfect human being imaginable. In my mind, I tell myself that it was luck (and that he was tenacious) and that that any successes that I have had are in spite of myself and my body and not because of it.

I have also realized that this is at complete odds with the persona that I display in all forms of my life. I want everyone to see me as perfect, strong, capable and successful where inside I credit myself with none of those things. Even blogging anonymously hasn't coaxed me into realizing this or publicly admitting it until now.

So I now have a profound feeling of sadness and grief at so many years wasted at odds with that which should be my closest ally. But how to start to align myself back to, well, me? I said 'back to' though off the top of my head, I can't think of a time when this hasn't been the case though surely when I was a child there was no hatred and self recrimination there, right.

I have decided to surrender. I am raising the white flag. I'm declaring peace in my time. What comes next? I'm not really sure but firstly, I'm going to try and be friends, I guess after all, surely all good relationships begin in friendship?

7dp5dt - HPT - BFN - I know it's over.

I know in my heart that it's all over. I have tested on tests that go down to 10mui and there is not even a shadow of a second line. There is also the fact of no symptoms whatsoever. I am tired, I am beyond sad, I'm over it.

5dp5dt - 2WW hell...

After feeling quite positive yesterday, I did the stupidest thing of all time and that is POAS this morning. Seriously, what was I thinking? With JBB, I did not get a positive HPT (though not testing with FRER) until 9dp5dt so why did I think that I would get any kind of positive on 5dp5dt. The only reason that I can plead is that I so desperately want good news. The thought of another failed cycle makes it hard for me to breathe. I am trying, trying, trying to get positivity back but I want to crawl into bed and sleep until Wednesday so that I will know the result for sure. The waiting is absolute and utter torture.

We took JBB to the local swimming pool today and he just loves other kids - it is like a knife in my heart to see him wander over to other children because I want to give him a sister or brother so, so badly. I feel like it is my duty to him. I feel because we chose such an unusual route to have a child that it would be the greatest gift to give him for him to have someone in the family who is in the same boat. He can't talk to JourneyMan or I and us be able to understand the feelings that he has but I want him to have someone in the family that he can talk to openly about those feelings. I want them to be able to share the journey to meet the donor if that is what they choose. I will obviously be there to support, love and empathise with any feeling or situation that JBB is in and I will do my absolute best to be the best mother this little boy could have but will he feel isolated because of the situation that we have placed him in?

The decision to go to Thailand and have a baby via a donor there was made because JourneyMan and I wanted to be parents, I wanted to be a mother so desperately that I would do anything for that to happen. We would have done adoption, surrogacy, foster care or anything to make that happen ultimately. The decision to go back is not about us at all, it is about JBB and though I would never have believed it at the time, that feeling within me is fiercer and more base than any I have ever known. I felt after the 5 failed cycles with my own eggs that I had failed JourneyMan and myself but at the end of the day, we had chosen our life together and would always have each other - it would be very, very difficult but I could get over it eventually. But how do you reconcile failing your son? I can't breathe for thinking that I may fail to give him a sibling. It is literally like I have broken glass where my heart is to think that one day I may have to explain to him that Mummy just couldn't do it.

I don't know how I am going to get through the next 5 days but I am sure that time will pass eventually and then I'll know. I have trouble conveying to people how much these results mean. On one hand, a positive result (and hopefully a successful pregnancy and birth) will mean that we are done with IVF, we can actually make plans, I can get treatment for the pain that I have every day, we can save for a house, we can go on family holidays (that don't include cycles), we can look to the future. On the other hand, a negative result puts us back into the fray of saving for another cycle (and we are in a bit of a mess financially right now so we are going to have to wait at least 6 months for another go), keep going through the natural fertility treatments, not look to move to a bigger house (despite the fact that JBB barely has room to run now), in other words, we are back to a stalled existence.

I do have to reiterate that I know that we are super duper lucky to have JBB and honestly, being a mother to him is enough for me, what I can't bear the thought of is not giving him the gift of a sibling - I never thought that this feeling would be so strong in me but it gets stronger and stronger every day.

I know that people don't understand why I get so upset but we have been living with this waiting game for more than four years, really, is it that wrong to be a little tired of it?

4dp5dt - Back home with my Boys

Sorry, I was going to be really good this time and update every day post transfer but despite being on bed rest and having nothing to do, I didn't really get the energy to post - very lazy on my part and I am sorry!! However, there was really nothing much to report, I mean how exciting is bed rest, not very, I tell you!!

So, I was very good and did a full 48 hours of bedrest. During that time, I mainly watched The Lord of the Rings extended editions on the iPad and reading. There was lots of reading, which was very enjoyable but of course it was very lonely without my boys.

On Wednesday night, I checked out and headed to the Bangkok airport and let me tell you, a taxi ride in Bangkok is my least favourite past time. There were no seat belts and we were going more than 130 km per hour - I was absolutely praying for my safety!! Thankfully, I made it to the airport okay, sweating a bit from the stress, but definitely okay. The flight was delayed an hour and at that time of a night it is a bit hard to take because it was such a late flight.

Thankfully though, the flight itself was pretty good, I slept most of the way which was good and got through customs and baggage claim pretty quickly and there were my boys - I was sooooooo happy to see them, I could have sat down and sobbed in the middle of the airport. I hugged and kissed JourneyMan and then hugged and kissed JBB to within and inch of his life. I have been revelling in spending time with them ever since.

We dropped in on my bestie on the way home from the airport and it was wonderful to see her and then I spent the day with my mum and JBB today at the shops and the park - it has been a really nice few days. Tomorrow, we are going to go to the pool as a family, it will be great fun, JBB loves the water!!

I have a funny feeling about this cycle - I am completely loathe to say it but I have a quietly confident feel (I may live to regret making such statements), not the panicked desperation that that I felt in the last cycle. I don't know why I feel this way, I don't have any symptoms except for the cramping which is basically same shit different day, quite frankly - they are just small ones, nothing compared to the normal ones I feel throughout my cycles. No doubt tomorrow, I will swing back the other way and be doubtful again but I don't know, it would be super nice if what I felt was correct!!

1dp5dt - Bed Rest

Not much to report today as I have been on bed rest all day. The transfer yesterday went well though. In fact, I really don't think that it could have gone any better and if these things actually matter, then hopefully we are staring down the barrel of a positive result!!

I started off the day with an hypnosis mp3 and then did my yoga, another hypnosis mp3, took my tablets and herbs, had a nice breakky and then headed off to my massage and head massage. This was truly blissful and honestly, I couldnt have been any more relaxed if I tried. I removed the before transfer intradermals and marked the places where the post intradermals would go and then had a nice hot bath.

I got to the clinic in plenty of time to have lunch downstairs and then it was time to go up to the clinic. This time they gave me a Xan.anx which was very pleasant and the transfer did not hurt, thank goodness. I listened to my hypnosis mp3 another couple of times post transfer and then it was time to go back to the hotel. I had an amazing sleep last night but am now very much looking to get home to my boys.

Today was non eventful and there definitely have been no symptoms, only some very light cramps that are barely worth mentioning. Yesterday before the transfeer, the pervasive feeling that I had was that 'I'm ready', today my stupid mind has kicked into gear and now I am worried about the quality of blastys and also what will happen if it is not a positive result.

I am trying very hard to be positive but my I am finding it difficult. It is going to be a long 9 days.

Goodbye 2011

It has been a year of ups and downs. The year started out pretty rough, JourneyMan did not have a job and my work wanted me back but only if they could pay me less than what I was earning before I left to have JBB. I was worried at this time, I tried to put a brave face on it but IF has a habit of leaving you wi not many financial resources and we couldn't survive for long with both of us not working. That turned around pretty quickly though, JourneyMan got a job that he is super good at, so much so that he is in the running to win a trip for us to Hawaii! I'm so proud of how he has turned it around.

Thanks to my amazing Bestie, she was able to get an interview for me at her work and I got the job and we have been working together ever since. This was a massive change for me, not only did it give my resume a boost but I got to work with my best mate and it was great fun. It was so nice to have her to talk to and laugh with at work!

JBB was the shining light of 2011 and we revelled in the changes that he made every day. He learned to laugh, say words, crawl, walk on his knees, walk and now of course if he goes anywhere, it is at a dead run! He has learned to feed himself, drink water out of his sippy cup and just last week, he learned to give proper hugs, definitely one of the highlights of my year. He also turned one and his birthday festivities were super fun. I also turned 40, which was not my favorite time of the year.

Our family trip to Thailand for cycle 2.0 was fun and it was amazing that JBB got to meet the donor, that was another great moment in the year. Unfortunately, that cycle was not successful and this also coloured the trip to Thailand, I couldn't really think of the trip without feeling like a failure. Without a moment to spare, were then onto planning cycle Thailand 2.1, we had to get in quick because it matched in with our holiday plans, so we had to cancel our family holiday to the coast and I would come to Thailand again.

The worst moments of the year was when JBB got sick. I felt numb, I could not conceive of anything being seriously wrong with him. Thankfully he has recovered well but there is that niggling in my heart until he is cleared of any heart damage, hopefully in late January.

I now sit in the closing hours of 2011 away from my family, friends and everyone I love. I'm glad to say goodbye to 2011, it hasn't been my worst year but I look to 2012 with great hope. Hope that my darling boy is cleared from heart damage, hope that this cycle gives JBB the greatest gift we can offer him, a sibling. A hope that our struggles with IF are over and we can move into our future as a complete family.

These are the dreams that I hold in my heart when I wake up to 2012. This is what I will focus on at the transfer tomorrow.

Happy New Year everybody. I hope your dreams come true in 2012.