4 More Sleeps!

Holy cow, where did those 3 days go, time is roaring by. I have hit the wall motivation wise. I am sure it will come back but at the moment, I am so exhausted, I haven't followed the schedule that I had set out for myself. It is not a big deal because I already was pretty organised but still, it would be good to get everything done.

One of the other factors for the past few days is that the prog.ynova has been causing quite bad cramps for the past four days. It is a tough thing to deal with day in and day out. After the last laparoscopy a couple of months ago, the pain had become manageable and I was thinking that if we are lucky enough to have another baby as a result of this cycle that I might be able to live with the pain rather than have the recommended hysterectomy. The cramps over this past week has reminded my why I was contemplating that as an option, though that is a decision for a much later date.

On the positive side of things, JBB has hit the accelerator and in the past two days has gone from cruising around, occassionally taking a step or two on his own to walking around everywhere, standing up on his own without holding on to anything and today, starting running - looks like we are going to get some exercise in Thailand!!

On top of all of that, my town Melbourne is in the midst of football finals fever with the grand final being tomorrow. My team is in it and I am lucky enough to be going. I love my footy but seriously, I just want the game over with so we can move on to the main event of Thailand. It has been a great distraction but I want to get my mind back onto Thailand full time.

Not long now!!

7 More Sleeps – this time next week!!!

This time next week we will be in the plane – whoo hooo!!!

Wow, only a week until we go and thankfully, it is whizzing by and if non-stressing and having fun is the key for this cycle to work, we are well on track, people!! I am having a good week, the cleaning is getting done, the ‘to do’ lists are getting crossed off and because my team is in the Grand Final, I am having a great time being involved in some little extra fun things. The one small fly in the ointment is that JBB is now waking up at 2-3am every night again, so I am super duper tired (back to giving myself a slap to keep awake on the drive to and from work which is not good). I figure though that I should be able to catch up on a few zzz’s in Thailand – I am hoping anyway (you know what they say about the best laid plans?).

JBB is having a great time this week, he didn’t go to daycare yesterday as we decided to keep him out to try and keep him from getting sick before we go. He was with JourneyMan’s Mum all day yesterday and then again this morning. In the afternoon, my Mum picked him up to spend some time with him and then she has him on Thursday as well. Tomorrow we are going to hang out and pack the bags - though JBB’s version of packing the bags is waiting for me to put everything in and then promptly pulling it all out. We probably will pop up to the park as well for a bit of outdoor fun.

I am feeling very organised and that things are working out very well. I have had a few things that I have forgotten but because I started packing and getting organised a few weeks ago, I am not stressed about it, I just get it done and move on.

I am hoping that my positivity and excitement are not hubris in disguise – can you be stressed about having nothing to stress about? Oh yes, that is called, being a drama queen!!

9 more sleeps!!

We have reached the single digit countdown people, hurrah!!!

It has been a good weekend. I went to the Footy on Friday night and then spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with JBB, JourneyMan and JourneyDog. JBB has been sick with diarrhea all weekend the poor love and for the first time, we have had a pooh in the bath incident. JourneyMan was with him when he did it and the calm voice that I heard casually asked 'what do we do about a pooh in the bath situation', I cracked up and went to help. JourneyMan went deep into the daddy trenches and cleaned the pooh out of the bath while I cleaned off JBB and dressed him for bed.

He has had a bit of a rough trot of late, teething, cold and diarrhea, I hope he gets better soon and stays well for Thailand. He has had pretty bad nappy rash as well which is to be expected but we have managed to clear that up pretty quickly and his little bottom is way better now.

Good news too on the period, it has come today so I start the prog.ynova tomorrow 3 times a day. Thank you very much to those of you who helped out with an AF dance, I really appreciate it!

Back to work tomorrow and a big list of things to do this week for preparation! I am super excited (still a little scared, but 90% excited!)

Hopefully this week will go quick.

10 more sleeps, the countdown begins!

So, we are now into the countdown, only 10 more sleeps and we will be heading off to Thailand. I'm so excited, I can't wait until we go.

There is one phrase that strikes anger, frustration and annoyance into the hearts of most IFers and that is 'just relax'. The annoying part of it all is that I am trying to be as stress free as possible in the lead up and so far (touch wood), I have been cruising along pretty well. In contrast to last time, my job is relatively stress free, which makes life a lot easier. I am also pretty organized so we are ticking along great.

The only fly in the ointment is that my period was due today and, what a surprise, she is nowhere to be seen. I really hope that this is not going to derail the cycle. I had acupuncture this morning and she did some points to bring on the period so hopefully it is coming vey very soon.

People, if you could do an AF dance for me, I would be most appreciative!!

My wonderful Mum

I wanted to relate a story about my Mum as it illustrates the kind of woman that she is. Originally, we were hoping for Mum to be able to come with us to Thailand because she has had a lot to deal with since my Dad has been sick and not just the cancer of recent months but mainly the hydrocephalus. He has turned into a person that we barely know and at the moment, despite the fact that he has been given the all clear by the doctors that the cancer is gone and that he has recovered well physically, he spends most days in bed all day asking my Mum to get everything for him and do everything for him. As a result of the hydrocephalus, he is also paranoid all the time and quite aggressive.

Anyway, so we had wanted her to come to Thailand with us, mainly so that she could have a break (no cooking, no cleaning, lots of spa treatments, she would have been a new woman). But with Dad as he is, she cannot even contemplate it at the moment. She also has to take him to many, many appointments each week and make many calls to the council and other agencies for help and follow up. She also takes care of JBB one day a week and is invariably helping out my brother and two sisters at times as well.

Anyway, this was just to illustrate how much she has going on at the moment. She is hugely generous with her time and love and has always been there for all of us. She had a hard time when I was going through the end on end failed cycles – she was there for me to cry on her shoulder but she has since confessed how frustrated she was that she couldn’t do anything to help.

A few weeks ago, she asked if she could buy a gift for the donor. As the donor had provided the gift of all gifts to us, so my lovely Mum wanted to buy her a little something. This is just how she is. I told a few girlfriends about this and they were quick to acknowledge ‘that is just typical M’. Yesterday we went to the shops and had lunch and had a look around for a gift for the donor. We settled on a silver fob bracelet with 2 hearts on it. We are going to write a card for her and ask someone at the hotel to write out the translation for us so that she will have it in Thai (she does not speak any English).

I love it that she wanted to thank the donor personally – that is my Mum, she is a wonderful, wonderful person and a fabulous mother!!

A moment dreamed of...

We had a lovely weekend, this weekend. The weather was beautiful and we had plenty of time to spend together as a family. I was lucky enough to have one of those treasured moments this weekend, the kind you freeze in time and lock in your heart forever. I am a lucky, lucky person, I have many of those moments locked in my heart, some are simple; a time when I went to the movies with my bestie and something happened (I can't even remember what now) and we got the giggles and it went on for about 20mins, it was one of those moments of pure uncontrolled laughter, where you are breathless, that is gold, I tell you. Another moment is the half an hour after JourneyMan proposed to me, we were having a picnic a my favourite gardens in Melbourne, lying in each others arms building our future together, no one new we were engaged but us, this was a moment of amazing, dream building possibility.

Of course, the 19th of August 2010 is a moment of pure love, wrapped in the cloak of relief of an IF survivor. The sight of JBB's little face and hearing his voice for the first time is burned into my mind and heart, the comfort of my beloved JourneyMan holding me, the loveliest of love soaked moments to be treasured always.

Sometimes these moments sneak up on you and one did on the weekend. We live in the suburbs and there is a beautiful bush reserve about 5 minutes from our house and at the start of it, there is a playground at the beginning with a pond with ducks in it, bellbirds and kookaburras and all sorts of beautiful bird life. We spent a couple of hours there with JBB and Journeydog who is Woolly. After playing for awhile we went for a walk, I had JourneyDog's leash and JourneyMan had JBB in the backpack. I was talking to JBB and leaned in to kiss him and then JourneyMan. JBB laughed delightedly and I realized this was one of my moments, a moment I had always dreamed of, a moment of family.

I hope in my heart that our trip to Thailand is the catalyst for more of these moments to wrap and store in my heart.

Time flying!

As the ticker says, it is 18 days until we leave for Thailand, wow!! I'm not exactly sure where the time is going but in the midst of all of our preparations, we have had some sleeping trouble with JBB. We had always been pretty lucky with JBB, he has tended to be a good sleeper, sleeping through the night from about 12 weeks and apart from a few nights here or there when he was sick or teething, he continued on that way until a couple of months ago.

I don't know how it happened but two months sped by without me really realizing what was going on. I know that's probably hard to believe but it is actually true. There have been a couple of contributing factors, he has been sick and teething on and off but on Wednesday night, I realized that it had been two months of getting up with him anywhere from 2-5am. Over that time we have done almost everything wrong, fed him in the middle of the night, brought him into our bed, rocked him back to sleep etc. Honestly, it is tough not to do those things when you are absolutely and utterly bone tired.

On Wednesday night, I got it into my sleep addled mind that we would give controlled crying a try (stupidly, I had done no research and decided on the spur of the moment, der!!). So I proceeded to let the poor darling cry, going into his room at longer and longer intervals. This did not work and he ended up crying for nearly 2 hours. I'm horrified with myself and feel terrible about how poor JBB must have felt. In desperation, I sent an SOS out to all of my girlfriends with babies asking for advice and they all contributed their thoughts. The 2 things I have realized is that firstly, he could be cold (thinking about my poor gorgeous little boy crying for all that time because he was cold makes me feel physically Ill and secondly, that we had not been as rigid with his routine over the past few months which has probably created some anxiety for him.

Last night, we reinstituted his bedtime routine and we allowed him to go to bed and settle himself, which he did with barely a protest and we left the heater on overnight because it has been quite cold. He slept from 7am to 5am which is pretty good. I am also changing his routine a bit during he day to see if that will also help, so far so good. We are going to focus on a nice familiar routine over the next couple of weeks and we will keep it going whilst in Thailand so we can give JBB that level of familiarity and comfort.

It hasn't escaped my notice that in my zeal to be as prepared and organized as possible for Thailand, I have let some of the fundamentals slip, no more, I tell you, I want JBB to be back to feeling safe and secure and all of us to be a bit more well rested. It is back to the routines now!!

On the knife edge...

I find myself on the verge of tears almost all of the time right now and I am searching for the reasons why.  I am wound so tight, the slightest thing will set me off – sometimes good things (like reading about Lifeslurper’s good news) or accidentally bump into the wall (I mean, come on – over-react much!??!).
 
There are so many emotions swirling around about this cycle – I need to explore a few of them to make sense of them:
 
1. Fear – the is the predominant feeling, I believe.  The thought of this not working and then being in that dark IF place is frightening beyond words.  I keep trying to face it in order to dispel it but honestly, the thought of fronting up for another cycle after this one, literally makes me want to vomit.  Each cycle takes so much physically, emotionally and mentally – it is very difficult to even contemplate having to go back for more.  I have tried to explain this to friends and family and mostly everyone has the same response ‘but surely it is easier this time because you have JBB’.  I totally get why people would have that response, I absolutely do and it definitely does make a difference that all the time we are going through the cycle we have the cute little man there to take the sting away.  However, there is something quite different about this cycle that I didn’t realise would be the case.  Last time, the cycle was really all about me – about me being mother finally, about having a baby of my own, about JourneyMan being a Dad etc.  This time, my main motivation is to provide a sibling for JBB, someone in the world
who is the same as him, so that they can both take comfort in each other.  I know that being a donor egg baby is becoming more prevalent in our but I would like them both to be able to turn to each other and draw comfort that they are both the same. I also love having siblings and I want to give them both the gift of each other, an ally in life, someone who can help them through the hard times and celebrate the great times as well (especially considering I am an older mother).  So, where does the fear fit in here – I think that it is tied in with thinking that I might not be able to provide that to JBB, that I will fall short, that I will not be good enough once again.  

2. Guilt – there is a measure of guilt that I feel in going back to the well a second time, asking for and expecting another miracle when we have been so blessed with JBB.  There is no greater joy that I feel when I look at his sweet little face but I can’t help but feel that we may be asking for too much when others are still waiting for their first.  What makes me think that we deserve to be twice blessed?

3. Tempting fate – being a slightly superstitious person – there is a small feeling of uneasiness about trying this all again for a second time.  Has our luck run out or will we cause it to run out because we are boldly going back for a second time – will this cause the fates to turn against us?
 
These are the raw thoughts that sit underneath my conscious ones and for the most part I don’t buy in to the whole deserving / not deserving, it just brings up too many questions about the many wonderful couples that I know who are still childless or the many other societal horrors such as heroin babies etc – I mean where is the deserving or not in there.
 
For what it’s worth, I am content that our Journey has brought us the delightful JBB and I hope (and sometimes pray, though I gave up on organised religion along time ago – I am still spiritual) that we will be successful on this cycle. Time is ticking away so quickly now, it is just over three weeks until we go to Thailand, for the most part, I look at JBB and and I'm excited and looking forward to the trip and the cycle.

Cycle 7: Thailand 2 Begins...

The cycle has now started!! I have started the birth control pill which will continue until 20 September and along with this comes, my old friend, the Cle.xane injections – booo. I will start the Progy.nova on 25 September is all goes to plan (which is hasn’t particularly this past week).

I have had a few tense moments earlier in the week because of course the period was 3 days late which caused me some angst as well as a flurry of emails back and forth to the clinic in Thailand. The angst was also not helped by me doing a spreadsheeted comparison of this cycle compared to the last cycle that we were successful with JBB – I freaked out when I realised that there was a huge difference in the protocol.

After quite a few days back and forth, they adjusted the cycle and told me to trust them. This was eerily like the first cycle when I freaked out because the transfer was going to be so late within my cycle though this time I was concerned because the transfer was much earlier in the cycle. I really do have to trust them, they did a great job last time and I have to hope that it will be just as good this time.

It is the control, you see, I feel so powerless – it is now largely out of my hands, I have been doing whatever I can to get my body ready. I think that is the thing that I find the hardest of all about this IF journey – I have endlessly tried to control the uncontrollable – you would think that I would have learnt not to years ago.

I have a lot to do over the next few weeks but I feel like I am pretty organised. I am hoping to have most of the packing done this weekend (apart from the last minute items of course – it helps that we are in the beginning of Spring and will go straight to summer clothes). I know that it seems crazy to be packing so far out but I am trying to reduce my stress levels as much as I can in the lead up to when we go.

Once we get to Bangkok, we will get in some serious fun and relaxation – plus, just the fact that there is no cooking or cleaning to do while we are there makes for a lot better cycle experience!!

I am hoping that 7 is a lucky number for us. Number 6 has always been my lucky number as I was born on the 6th August but 7 also runs a close second because my Mum and Nanna were both born on the 7th of August – I am hoping for their help on this cycle!!