Exhausted...

********Please do not read this post if you are in the trenches of infertility*********

I have a post waiting to publish, catching you up on all that has been happening here but at the moment - I need to vent about what is going on.  Boo2 was sleeping through the night (for oh, about a week) and bam, we went in to the 4 month sleep regression that has now continued into his 5th month.  He has eczema so I think that the itch is waking him up but he is definitely hungry also. He is generally waking around 10:30pm, 1:30am and 5am.  Most of the time, it takes me around 60-90mins to feed him, settle him and get back to sleep myself so I am generally having around 1-2 hours sleep at a time.  He absolutely refuses the bottle (which worries me greatly as I will most likely be back at work in around 3 weeks) so it is all up to me and I am feeling quite broken from exhaustion.  Especially as Boo2 will wake JBB up at 5am and he won't get to sleep and he is refusing any nap so is grumpy as all get out.  During the day, Boo2 is only having 20-30min naps (rarely, I will get an hour) and during those 20-30mins, I try to cook and clean and make sure that JBB is eating healthy and having some one:one time.

I try to get a little bit of additional sleep over the weekend but the house is small and JBB is very loud and I really only get an extra 1-2 hours between the Boo2 feeds if he doesn't start crying sooner, sometimes not even that.  That extra sleep does help me for about a day but by Tuesday I am a complete wreck again.  I just feel like I need a break, more than 3-4 hours doing what I want to do, a sleep that is more than 2 hours. He is having solids and is definitely getting enough food, and still he wakes up.  I have tried leaving him to settle himself but he will cry for half an hour or more if I let him.  I have been reading everything I can about it but all I see is that I need to resign myself that this could go on for the next 12-18months and the thought of that makes me want to sit down and cry.

In another matter that is totally pissing me off - people tell me all the time 'I just breastfed and the weight fell off me'.  I have been counting calories every day (though I missed a few in the last couple of weeks) and have breastfed Boo2 every meal and the weight is most certainly not dropping off me.  I feel a bit of pressure because I put on SO much in the pregnancy, I am an older mother and the weight puts me at a lot of health risks and I want to be around for my boys.  I have lost some but I have got, so, so much to lose that it is a drop in the ocean.

Of course, on top of all of this is the guilt feelings because I fought so hard to have these kids and I am complaining.  I feel terrible for wanting to have a break, after all, aren't there millions of mothers around the world going through what I am?

Infertility & Grief

We have finished our IVF journey.  This is a cause for celebration and of great release but the journey itself has changed me irrevocably.  I have a hard time remembering the person that I was before we began this journey but I know I was more trusting, more willing to throw myself into the future and less cautious.  Was I happy?  Sure.  Was I as happy as I am now?  I don't think so.  My joy that I have in my family, the gratitude that I feel for my beautiful boys and my happiness in my marriage that was made stronger through facing adversity and supporting each other through it.

There is a dark side too.  I worry more and lately I have been concerned at my willingness to go to the worst case scenario at the slightest provocation.  I have spoken previously that I am a recovering alcoholic (11 years sober) and that one of my coping mechanisms to get through life without drinking is to prepare myself for the worst case scenario and know that I will not drink.  This has become habitual now and it has gone to a place that I am not comfortable with.  If Boo2 sleeps for too long, I worry that the worst has happened and he has died.  If JBB is sick (as he was yesterday), I panic that he is fatally sick.  If JourneyMan is a few minutes late in coming home that he has had an accident on his bike.  I worry that my Mum's health is not good.  I worry that my Bestie will find more lumps and won't be so lucky in her diagnosis this time.  I worry about all of my people.

At the heart of it all, I am worried that I will be made pay for the joy that we have in our lives.  Every day, I am grateful for my beautiful boys but haven't I learned that on this journey you can't be too happy, or optimistic because at any time the rug can be pulled out from under you?  I don't want to live my life in this way and in my heart, I know that it also doesn't matter how much you prepare for something bad happening, you will always feel shock and grief and the other myriad of emotions that go along with the situation.  In fact, all it does is make you grieve twice.  Once in preparation and once if the actual event occurs.  In short, I need to change my coping mechanisms.  I am going to see a counsellor again to help me to make this change.

I feel a bit swamped in grief at the moment too.  In Australia, Father's day is the first Sunday of September and this year, it has the added bonus of being the day before the anniversary of my Dad's death.  That seems a little bit cruel.  Advertising for Father's day has already begun and will only get worse as August progresses and already I am in floods of tears when I see any ads as I am reminded that I won't see my Dad again.  That he won't pat my beautiful Boo2 on the head and tell me what a miracle he is. That we won't sit and watch a footy game together again, that I won't laugh at one of his stories.  When we were around at my Mum and Dad's house the other day, JBB pulled out a little walking toy that he used to follow my Dad around on his walker, we asked him what he used to do with it and he said 'follow Pop around'.  I'm glad that he remembers him but how long will this be so?  Not for very much longer.  They had a touching relationship.  Near the end when my Dad was mostly bedridden, JBB would go over to the side of the bed and lean in for Dad to pat him on the head.

I remember the last time I saw him before I went to Thailand for the transfer for Boo2.  He put his hands on each of my cheeks and wished me good luck.  I cried and I didn't know why because he was okay, I wasn't worried that he would die before I got back, I didn't think he was even close.  I still feel bad that I wasn't there to comfort him, to hold his hand and to talk to him.  I know that I was where he wanted me to be but still, I feel like I could have helped in some small way.  A few months before, we had a good talk.  He told me that he knew that he was dying and I asked if he was scared and he said that he was before but that he wasn't anymore, he was ready.  I remember my heart clenching in fear at the time, I wasn't ready but I comforted myself that I still had time.  I don't regret going to Thailand - how can I?  My darling Boo2, who is a shining light in my life came about from that trip, I can't regret it.  

Somehow the death of my Dad has become mixed up with the final chapter of our journey to our family.  I feel that because of both of these events, I will never be the same.  I continue to wonder how to move on from the scars of infertility.  Do the scars fade like the scars from the c-section.  Will I ever stop missing my Dad and crying when I think about him?  I don't know the answers to these questions but one thing that the infertility journey has taught me is to take happiness whenever you can and I am so, so lucky to have so much happiness and joy in my life.  I need some tools to work through this.

Mastitis and Colds + Boo2

It has been a rough couple of weeks.  I had a bout of mastitis which was terrible.  It came on very quickly, Boo2 sucked so hard on my breast that he bruised it and a blockage came and then came the mastitis.  The fever was brutal, I had to get up in the middle of the night (apart from feeding) to have scalding hot baths so that I could sleep.  I felt like I had been hit by a truck and my breast was so, so sore but you have to keep feeding and completely draining it so that the breast can heal.  I am a little ashamed to say that I cried a few times breastfeeding it was so painful.

I went to the doctor and got some antibiotics and things improved pretty quickly after that.  However, hot on it's heels came a cold for myself, JBB and Boo2.  We were all pretty miserable and of course, Boo2 getting was the most worrisome - we listened very carefully for any whooping, which I am hoping that he has escaped from.  JourneyMan and I, plus both of our Mum's got immunised for whooping cough (there has been an epidemic in Australia) when JBB was born so there hopefully shouldn't be a high chance of him getting it.

Finally, the last few days, I have started to feel better and that has made everything a little easier.  I found that I was having a lot of trouble staying patient with JBB during this time, I was just so exhausted.  I even went to the doctor to see about post natal depression because I was very worried about myself.  I feel a lot better now though, thankfully and whilst, JBB can still push my buttons, I am much more patient with him now. 

Now on to Boo2 - he is an awesome kid.  So smiley, he started randomly smiling at us at around 5-6 weeks and now he smiles in response to talking, songs and games - it is absolutely amazing.  He also goos and gurgles and chortles heaps - it is just so nice.  I had to take him to the Children's hospital last week for a follow up on his bronchiolitis that he had back when he was around 6 weeks and they put a camera down his nose to look at his larynx - this was not a good experience for him, he screamed and I had to hold him - I just felt so bad, it was awful for him.  He also has to have an overnight sleep study done to make sure that he doesn't have sleep apnoea.

We also had an appointment with the maternal health nurse at 8 weeks and he is putting on weight like a champ (though still only in the 5th percentile) and she said that he looked the picture of health which was great.  The only bad thing was that she heard a click in his hip so he had to have an ultrasound to check that the ball joint is developing okay.  He has had the ultrasound but I haven't heard back about it as yet - I am assuming that 'no news is good news' but I will have to give them a call this week.

In total in the last few weeks, I have been to 2 doctor's appointments for Boo2, a maternal health nurse appointment and 3 doctor's appointments for myself.  I have had an Xray, Boo2 has had an ultrasound and camera down his throat and is having a sleep study done tomorrow night.  

I am hoping that things settle down in the next few weeks.  

The action for our unit is on Saturday - please cross your fingers that we get a buyer and a good price!!

Breastfeeding

I had a lot of trouble breastfeeding JBB, my supply was low so he was always topped up with formula.  This is despite the fact that I pumped for 40 mins after each feed and I constantly tried to increase my supply but unfortunately, to no avail.  I was upset and not upset about this because I felt like I had done everything in my power to give him the best start.  I did not want my boy to be hungry, so the formula was a God send.  I was able to breastfeed, supplementing for 5 months, I felt good about it.

So, this time, I knew a couple of things - there was no way that I could pump for 40mins after each feed  with JBB being a toddler - it would take almost 2 hours by the time I had fed Boo2, settled him and then pumped and this 6-8 times a day - it just was not a viable option.  So, I researched milk supply as much as I possibly could and came up with a cocktail of supplements (fenugreek, blessed thistle, brewers yeast and alfalfa) 3 times a day from the day of the c-section.  I also breastfed Boo2 exclusively  for the first 6 weeks, not missing a feed so as not to affect the supply.  

Now at 8 weeks, things seem to be going pretty well, supply is good and Boo2 is starting to fill out.  He certainly has grown since the last time we have been to the maternal health nurse - I am looking forward to seeing how much for the two month check up in a few days.

Breastfeeding itself does not come easily to me though.  I only feel comfortable at home, there is no way I can breastfeed in public, I am just not that confident.  One of the reasons that I am not that confident is that I use a pillow and a nipple protector and I feel really uncomfortable if I don't have those with me.  The other issue is that we do the normal hold on the left side but on the right, we always do the football hold and that is virtually impossible out and about.  I also don't feel comfortable flashing my bits around to everyone.  This is ironic, since after 6 years of IVF treatments and pregnancy, I have flashed my bits to so many strangers that it is beyond count - how can I feel uncomfortable now with something so natural - I don't know, but I do.

I am also not an earth mother, love every minute of breastfeeding, type of woman.  I feel vaguely uneasy about it.  There is a feeling of claustrophobia when I breastfeed and this is exacerbated because JBB always wants to be kissing and talking to Boo2.  Then of course, JourneyDog who is Woolly wants to push his way on to my lap so I feel covered in people.  I am a person who likes my own space and these days there are so many beings who are on me, I feel a bit stressed about it.

Don't get me wrong, I am super glad I am able to breastfeed my darling Boo2, he deserves the very best start in life.  I just wanted to own up to my feelings over this very natural task.  I definitely admire any earth mother warrior who can breastfeed in public, unfortunately, I am just not one of those people.

JBB

JBB is all at once trying my patience and being totally gorgeous.  He is most definitely a toddler and is demanding his own way on many things.  I try to give him a choice most of the time but there are some non-negotiables (like holding hands in car parks and brushing teeth!!).  

I have been super proud of how he has taken to being a big brother, he is great - he loves Boo2 heaps.  It is amazing to see how he treats him and talks to him - he is really kind and loving to him.  He says 'Oh sweetie, what's wrong?', 'It will be okay, sweetie' when Boo2 is crying.  Every morning he comes to see him and says 'hello little fella' and gives him a kiss and a hug.  I'm proud of how he speaks to Boo2 because he has obviously learned how from us - that makes me feel like we are doing a reasonable job. 

He doesn't really have his afternoon sleep much anymore, which makes him very grumpy (and me a bit grumpy too) but 'quiet time' is also a non-negotiable - he spends this in his room and it is always a bit of a battle.  I hear him singing songs in there or telling stories, sometimes I hear him call people on his pretend phone.  Even though he is supposed to me quiet - it makes me smile when I hear him.  My younger sister says he has a  case of FOMO (fear of missing out) - I heartily agree.

He has remained a pretty cautious kid but day care has really helped him to come out of his shell.  I took him to the indoor park the other day with some girlfriends and their kids and he really joined in - previously, he would have hung back and asked me to go in with him - last week, he barrelled in on his own and played up a storm with the other kids.  Even though on one hand, I feel guilty about him going to day care, on the other, I think that he has a wonderful time and it has really helped him to socialise.  Last week, he got put into the kinder room for a little bit as he will be making the transition soon and he was so proud of himself, he told me about it around 10 times.

He loves playing with other kids - he absolutely adores all of his cousins.  He had a sleepover at my older sisters place on Saturday night and is still talking about how much fun he had.  I am looking forward to when Boo2 is walking and they are able to play and have fun together.  It makes me so happy that they will both have a built in mate for the rest of their lives - wonderful.  I just hope that we can help to nurture a lovely sibling relationship between the two of them.

He's at the age where he says funny things and I am sure that JourneyMan and I have bored many people telling him about the cute things that he says and does.  He is addicted to porridge at the moment and we always have a couple of flavours on hand.  He likes to say 'Which one my want, Mummy?' then he pauses to think 'Ummmmm, that one' - it's a little ritual every morning and it makes both JourneyMan and I smile. Interestingly enough, JBB has all of a sudden I have gone from being 'Mummy' to 'Mum' and now, strangely 'Mumma' - I don't know why.

On the other hand, he also can be so frustrating I want to scream.  I will ask him to do something and he says 'no' (over and over again).  I tell him to stop doing something and he won't.  When he goes to bed he wants his cars, his trains, his dummy washed, his nappy changed, his water bottle filled up, he asks for a cuddle, then to be tucked in, then another cuddle and then to be tucked in again.  In essence, he is a toddler asserting his independence and most of the time I am proud of that (sometimes I just want to tear my hair out).

I can't believe that this little boy who I nestled into the small space in my neck, he was so tiny when he was born, is turning 3 next month.  What a wonderful 3 years it has been and how time has flown.  

It must be said out loud....

I am struggling.  I feel inadequate.  I am worried.

The past week has been a tough one, not so much for the boys, for me.  I am feeling very down about myself.  I thought I would have bounced back from the pregnancy, surgery better than I have.  I thought I would have more energy than I do.  I thought I would feel more like myself.  Unfortunately, I don't.  One of the biggest concerns is that noise is really affecting me right now - our heater is quite loud and JBB has been yelling a lot, the dog is always barking, Boo2 cries (though not that often I have to admit) - I feel a little bit that I am going crazy from all the noise.

Of course, I am also dead tired - I mean what mother of a newborn isn't?  The relentlessness of the feeding, changing and settling is full on. Exhaustion makes so many things much harder, it seems to magnify everything.  I know that I have months of this bone crunching exhaustion left.

I also can't help but be upset by things - I think that most of the time that I am overreacting because I am tired.  We have been looking at a little book that I made up of JBB's journey - we have been looking to see the similarities between JBB and Boo2.  In that book is a picture of my Dad holding JBB and I can't help but get upset that my Dad didn't get to meet Boo2, he would have loved him so much.  JBB and my Dad had such a touching relationship but Boo2 will never experience it, it makes me sad.  This one sounds really stupid but lately JBB has been saying that he barracks for my husbands footy team - I know that doesn't seem like a big deal to most people but I had such a nice relationship with my Dad about the footy, I wanted to share it with the boys.  I know JourneyMan thinks I am crazy but he is JBB's hero - JBB does everything he does.  He is the one that gets to play footy with them and he is the hero - I guess I selfishly wanted something for me.  I know it's stupid, I will get over it.

I have tried to get on board with my healthy eating and exercise and I had two really good weeks but this past week has been a bit of a disaster.  I have been comfort eating a lot because I don't feel great - this has always been a problem for me and it has been exacerbated over the past month.  There is a desperation in me to lose this weight, I am the highest weight I have ever been and I am hugely concerned because I want to be a healthy role model for my boys and also around for a long time.  I want to be a participant in their lives and not be on the sidelines and for that I need to be fit.  

I am also worried about money, I think I am going to have to go back to work earlier than was first thought (after 5 months) and this is so disappointing because I feel like I miss so much when I am at work.  I think for the most part, I am a good Mum but the fact that so many other people get to look after my boys and see their firsts brings me down.  On the other hand, if I am working, the money worries for us almost disappear and I can relax a lot more.  It is such a hard choice.

I find myself not having as much patience that I normally have with JBB and he is certainly testing my patience at the moment.  He is also having a bit of a hard time, I think - he has dropped his nap and so is tired all the time and very cranky.  He is trying to assert his authority in many ways and has been very mischievous.  I feel bad because I want to be giving him the attention that he wants but I also need to be giving Boo2 attention.  I hope that we can get back to a good routine soon.

The weather hasn't been helping, it has been absolutely freezing and raining the whole week so getting outside has been a challenge.  I think that we all have a bit of cabin fever at the moment.

The very hard part about being a Mum is that many times, the things that we do to take care of ourselves, means spending a little time away from our kids.  For me, this means that I feel guilty about it and worried that I am missing something.  Time goes so fast and I don't want to miss anything.

I had a bit of a break yesterday, I went and had a coffee with my sister and just verbalising my concerns made me feel a lot better.  I find that once I put these things out in the world, rather than keeping them inside, I feel a lot better.  

Endings and Beginnings...

It is pretty hard to get to the computer at the moment, not much time to spare in the Journey house, lots of feeding, changing, sleeping, bathing and trying to be a good parent going on!!

I went for the 6 week check up with the OB yesterday, the last time that I will see him and all went well.  It has been a pretty tough recovery but all the same, I am recovering well.  He has been a wonderful, wonderful part of the team who have brought JBB and Boo2 into our lives, he was a lovely calm voice in times of white knuckle fear.  He was able to deal with all of my various massive issues with aplomb.  He gave us the wonderful gifts of the safe delivery of our sons, I will always be grateful to him.  I have been given the all clear to do everything in my life, so I am kicking up my exercise plan a gear so that I can get my fitness back.  At one point in my appointment, he did start talking about contraception - seriously, I laughed for a while at that.

I also had my last injection of clexane this week - this was a couple of weeks shy of a year of injections.  I cannot wave goodbye to these forever because I still have to have them when I go on long flights but it is only for three days at departure and 3 days at arrival - no biggie after doing these things for years.  I am SOOOOO happy that I don't have to have them every day anymore, I was well over them by the end.

I had an unwelcome arrival a couple of weeks ago, my stinking period turned up - this despite breastfeeding exclusively - seriously, what is that, it is absolutely crap.  The pain from it was excruciating as well, I was writhing on the floor in the foetal position, it was so bad - worse that the recovery from the c-section.  This happened after JBB as well and if it is the same as that, I have almost a year of this ahead of me **sigh**.

Other endings:

Goodbye 'up the clacker' ultrasounds, I will not miss you

Goodbye progesterone pessaries and spoilt underwear

Goodbye fear inducing pregnancies

Goodbye to handfuls of drugs each day

Goodbye to cancelling family holidays to have cycles

Goodbye to putting our lives on hold

Goodbye to the roller coaster of IVF

Beginnings:

We are thinking of buying land and building a house (eep!!)

I have started my new healthy lifestyle - I have to get fit to keep up with these two boys

We are planning our first 'non-cycle' trip to Thailand (since our honeymoon) in October 2014 - we want the boys to grow up knowing Thailand

Family life - that is what we are the most excited about - living as a family

Boo2 update

He is an absolute darling.  He is finally getting some meat on his bones, he is growing and changing every day - it is a privilege to be his mum.  I am exclusively breastfeeding which I am proud of and I know that he is getting enough because he is a very docile, satisfied baby.  Of course, I am still not getting that much sleep at night but it's worth it to see him growing and flourishing.  He has recovered well from his bronchiolitis but we do have an appointment to see an ear nose and throat specialist because he may have a loose larynx?!?!  He gives us a smile now and he loves to vocalise, he is a little talker.  He loves time to kick around.  He shocked us one night last week when he rolled over though I am pretty sure that was a one off accident at this point.  He is very much like his brother but also very different.

JBB loves his brother, he has been super good with him, always kissing him and wanting to hold him and see him - it is wonderful to see.  He has even improved at swimming lessons, putting his ears in the water when floating on his back because Boo2 can do it in the bath.  JBB is SO excited for him to grow up and play with him.

I am so proud of my boys, I do feel so, so lucky.

A trip to the hospital..

We are definitely mired in that first 6 weeks of feeding, sleeping, waking, changing nappies and repeat and repeat again.  The days have run into each other and whilst I have a million posts running around in my mind, I haven't really had much chance to get on the computer and report what is going on in our lives but mostly it has been dealing in the business of a newborn.  I definitely have found myself enjoying it a lot more this time, I know that it is the last time and it is worth taking the time to pay attention and soak in the experience while it lasts.  Sometimes this can be challenging because there is the serious sleep deprivation but that is normal and at least this time I know that it will end at some point.

Our darling Boo2 caught a virus from JBB and had laboured breathing the other night so we rang the nurses on call and they advised us to go to the hospital.  We took him to to the royal children's and as usual, they were wonderful.  We had to stay the night so that they could observe his breathing and what was happening.  As it turns out, he had bronchiolitis and that was why he was unsettled and his breathing was laboured.

We were able to check out by late morning as they found that he was getting better as time went on, he does make a strange sound when he is breathing so he has been referred to an ear nose and throat consultant - we are waiting to see when our appointment will be.  We also had a follow up appointment with our GP today and thankfully, she gave our little darling the all clear.

It has been an emotionally, physically and mentally draining week.  There was a lot of dejavu in going to the children's because it was where we had to take JBB when he had the Kawasaki disease.  The fear was palpable and I felt sick that my boy was in trouble.

So much of parenting for me is worry and fear and it is something that I am going to have to learn how to control.  My family is absolutely everything to me and the thought of anything happening to it, scares the hell out of me.  With great joy and love also comes great risk to your heart.  It is absolutely worth the risk, but scary none the less.

Thankfully, both of my boys are great - I love them dearly, they saturate me in happiness.

Two Weeks

Our Tiny Boo2 is two weeks old, I am amazed that the time has gone so fast.  He is feeding so well and I am really happy that I have plenty of milk for him as well - with JBB we needed to top him up every night with formula but we don't have to do that with Boo2.  We have an appointment with the maternal health nurse tomorrow so I am looking forward to a good weight gain.  A girlfriend who was due on the same day as I was had her baby a couple of days ago, also a boy but he was almost double Boo2's weight at birth.  Boo2 was in 00000 clothes when he was born but he is already too long for those now - he is very, very skinny (but very healthy, thank goodness!!).  I'm thankful every day that they got him out a little earlier since he had stopped growing.  He is one hungry kid, let me tell you.

He is a pretty chilled out baby, eats well, sleeps well and has a little chat (aaaaah) when he is awake.  He has quite an intense stare and he likes to check out everything around him when he is awake.  I am feeding on demand and he usually goes around 3-4 hours between feeds, sometimes (like yesterday) he will go through a cluster of 3-4 feeds in around 4 or 5 hours.

It is taking me a long time to recover from the c-section, there is still quite a bit of pain and it feels like such a longer road back to health this time. I also am very concerned about my weight - I definitely need to start losing some weight as it got out of control during the pregnancy.  This is hugely important to me because I am an older mother, I need to be in tip top shape to be able to chase after my boys but also to be there as long as possible in their lives.  I hope to be around and fit enough to enjoy being a grandmother but that will mean that I need to be in absolute top fitness (i.e. if they wait until they are in their 30's to have kids, I will be in my 70's - eeep!!!).

JBB is an awesome big brother, he is so gentle with Boo2 and loves to give him kisses and hold him.  I am so proud of him.  We did have a rough time last week because he was way out of his routine and wasn't having his afternoon sleeps so we were in tantrum city. Thankfully this week, he is back having his afternoon sleeps again and we have a much more harmonious household.  It is great to have JourneyMan at home to help out with the two of them as I definitely would be struggling if I was on my own since I can't pick up JBB at the moment because of the c-section.

Last week, I was feeling pretty low because JBB was having lots of tantrums and I felt like all I was doing was telling him off.  Now we are in a bit of a better routine and we are now back to having lots of cuddles and I make sure that I spend some one on one time with him every day.

The hormones have gotten to me a bit as well.  Last week JBB said that one of his friends at daycare had told him to 'go away' and I burst into tears.  

It is interesting though what a difference experience makes.  With JBB I was pretty stressed out because I didn't have enough milk for him and had to top him up with formula.  I also was really shocked at the relentlessness of getting up every 2-4 hours to feed, it was quite a change to how our lives were before and of course, nothing could prepare you for how that was.  This time, I am tired but for the most part it is just something I do.  I think that the hardest thing that I have dealt with over the past 3 years is when JBB got sick.  Those weeks were the worst of my life.  I was up for almost a week without sleep as I was holding him whilst he whimpered with pain for days on end.  If I dozed off, I would wake up and rediscover that the nightmare was still real.  

I think that the experience of that terrifying time has given me really good perspective.  I hear Boo2 crying with hunger and whilst I am tired, I am also happy to get up and give him some food.  It's a time that I am relishing being with him, just him and me.  It is the last time that I will be breastfeeding a newborn so I am enjoying every minute.  

Two weeks, where does the time go?

Amnesia

Last Thursdsay, I was 100% certain that I could not endure another cycle, another pregnancy or another c-section.  Today, I feel different.  I feel like I could endure any pain to have another gorgeous baby like JBB or Boo2 again.  I look at Boo2 as many minutes as I can in every day, I drink in his baby scent, I memorise every line of his face, I laugh at every cute face that he pulls in his sleep - I am besotted, in love, over the moon to have him in our lives.  With each minute that I look at Boo2, the memory of the uncertainty, pain, worry and fear of the cycle, pregnancy and birth of him is wiped away, leaving only love and joy.

I get that this is nature's way of getting you to go back and have more children, to ensure the population of our species.  I am just amazed at how efficiently this phenomenon has worked with me.  It is quite funny because after the birth of JBB, the most I remembered about the pain was that the first day getting up and into the shower after the c-section was the worst but I always added in my mind 'it wasn't that bad'.  Then last week when I had to do it again, it felt way, way worse than I remembered it - I felt like I was in agony.  Today, I think back and think, it's only really one bad day, you can easily get through that (despite the fact that I am still in a good amount of pain now)!!

Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed my mind about wanting to go back, I remember enough to not want to put our lives on hold any longer.  I would love to try for a girl but it is more important for me to enjoy every day with my boys, to walk into our future as a whole family, no regrets and that is what I absolutely intend to do.  

So, whilst I can intellectually remember that it was a difficult pregnancy and birth, I have this little gorgeous reminder that I look at as much as possible every day and I think 'worth it'.

The first day of the rest of our lives.....

I have dreamed of a day where my family is complete.  In this dream, there are no cycles, there are no holidays that involve IVF or procedures.  There is no fear that our family will never been complete, there is no fear that we will never be able to get ahead financially because we are constantly paying for cycles.  Instead there are the little things.  Feeding the new baby.  Saving for a family holiday.  Considering where to move to so that we can send our boys to the best schools.  Hugs and kisses.  Baths and sitting down to dinner as a family.  Considering how to raise the best human beings possible.  Swimming lessons.  Football games.  Going to the park.  A normal life.

That day for us is tomorrow.  JourneyMan will come and pick me and Boo2 up from the hospital and we will go home to our family, we will go home to the rest of our lives.  We are the luckiest people in the world.

We will leave behind cycles and IVF and they will no longer exist in our present but our Donor Eggs Journey continues.  Our boys are from a Thai egg donor and that doesn’t change because we are finished with cycles.  This journey continues for the rest of their lives.  Every day, we consider how to ensure that they know that they are loved, that they were the most wanted kids on earth.  We prepare ourselves for the questions that the boys may ask and we keep as much information on the donor as we have so that should they want to access it or go to see her, they will be able to.

It is interesting to me that when JBB was born, people talking about who he looked like hurt me because it would never be about him looking like me.  I healed from that experience though because this time when people have been discussing Boo2 and who he looks like, I haven’t felt hurt at all, it means nothing to me – indeed, I have been the one instigating those discussions more.

So, tomorrow, we will gladly move on from our IVF and cycle based existence toward our future.  We will not forget what has gone before because it has shaped who we are today.  Our donor egg journey continues as our boys reach each stage of their lives – I am interested to see how they will respond to their story.

For me, I continue to feel that I am living in my most sought after dreams.  I am the luckiest of the lucky.  I cannot be any more grateful for everything that we have.  Thank you to all of you who have come with us on our journey, your comments have been a source of great comfort over the past few years, I appreciate each and every one of you.

I hope that you continue to share JBB and Boo2’s journey!!!