Tuesday, October 8, 2013
********Please do not read this post if you are in the trenches of infertility*********
I have a post waiting to publish, catching you up on all that has been happening here but at the moment - I need to vent about what is going on. Boo2 was sleeping through the night (for oh, about a week) and bam, we went in to the 4 month sleep regression that has now continued into his 5th month. He has eczema so I think that the itch is waking him up but he is definitely hungry also. He is generally waking around 10:30pm, 1:30am and 5am. Most of the time, it takes me around 60-90mins to feed him, settle him and get back to sleep myself so I am generally having around 1-2 hours sleep at a time. He absolutely refuses the bottle (which worries me greatly as I will most likely be back at work in around 3 weeks) so it is all up to me and I am feeling quite broken from exhaustion. Especially as Boo2 will wake JBB up at 5am and he won't get to sleep and he is refusing any nap so is grumpy as all get out. During the day, Boo2 is only having 20-30min naps (rarely, I will get an hour) and during those 20-30mins, I try to cook and clean and make sure that JBB is eating healthy and having some one:one time.
I try to get a little bit of additional sleep over the weekend but the house is small and JBB is very loud and I really only get an extra 1-2 hours between the Boo2 feeds if he doesn't start crying sooner, sometimes not even that. That extra sleep does help me for about a day but by Tuesday I am a complete wreck again. I just feel like I need a break, more than 3-4 hours doing what I want to do, a sleep that is more than 2 hours. He is having solids and is definitely getting enough food, and still he wakes up. I have tried leaving him to settle himself but he will cry for half an hour or more if I let him. I have been reading everything I can about it but all I see is that I need to resign myself that this could go on for the next 12-18months and the thought of that makes me want to sit down and cry.
In another matter that is totally pissing me off - people tell me all the time 'I just breastfed and the weight fell off me'. I have been counting calories every day (though I missed a few in the last couple of weeks) and have breastfed Boo2 every meal and the weight is most certainly not dropping off me. I feel a bit of pressure because I put on SO much in the pregnancy, I am an older mother and the weight puts me at a lot of health risks and I want to be around for my boys. I have lost some but I have got, so, so much to lose that it is a drop in the ocean.
Of course, on top of all of this is the guilt feelings because I fought so hard to have these kids and I am complaining. I feel terrible for wanting to have a break, after all, aren't there millions of mothers around the world going through what I am?