Thursday, June 20, 2013
It must be said out loud....
I am struggling. I feel inadequate. I am worried.
The past week has been a tough one, not so much for the boys, for me. I am feeling very down about myself. I thought I would have bounced back from the pregnancy, surgery better than I have. I thought I would have more energy than I do. I thought I would feel more like myself. Unfortunately, I don't. One of the biggest concerns is that noise is really affecting me right now - our heater is quite loud and JBB has been yelling a lot, the dog is always barking, Boo2 cries (though not that often I have to admit) - I feel a little bit that I am going crazy from all the noise.
Of course, I am also dead tired - I mean what mother of a newborn isn't? The relentlessness of the feeding, changing and settling is full on. Exhaustion makes so many things much harder, it seems to magnify everything. I know that I have months of this bone crunching exhaustion left.
I also can't help but be upset by things - I think that most of the time that I am overreacting because I am tired. We have been looking at a little book that I made up of JBB's journey - we have been looking to see the similarities between JBB and Boo2. In that book is a picture of my Dad holding JBB and I can't help but get upset that my Dad didn't get to meet Boo2, he would have loved him so much. JBB and my Dad had such a touching relationship but Boo2 will never experience it, it makes me sad. This one sounds really stupid but lately JBB has been saying that he barracks for my husbands footy team - I know that doesn't seem like a big deal to most people but I had such a nice relationship with my Dad about the footy, I wanted to share it with the boys. I know JourneyMan thinks I am crazy but he is JBB's hero - JBB does everything he does. He is the one that gets to play footy with them and he is the hero - I guess I selfishly wanted something for me. I know it's stupid, I will get over it.
I have tried to get on board with my healthy eating and exercise and I had two really good weeks but this past week has been a bit of a disaster. I have been comfort eating a lot because I don't feel great - this has always been a problem for me and it has been exacerbated over the past month. There is a desperation in me to lose this weight, I am the highest weight I have ever been and I am hugely concerned because I want to be a healthy role model for my boys and also around for a long time. I want to be a participant in their lives and not be on the sidelines and for that I need to be fit.
I am also worried about money, I think I am going to have to go back to work earlier than was first thought (after 5 months) and this is so disappointing because I feel like I miss so much when I am at work. I think for the most part, I am a good Mum but the fact that so many other people get to look after my boys and see their firsts brings me down. On the other hand, if I am working, the money worries for us almost disappear and I can relax a lot more. It is such a hard choice.
I find myself not having as much patience that I normally have with JBB and he is certainly testing my patience at the moment. He is also having a bit of a hard time, I think - he has dropped his nap and so is tired all the time and very cranky. He is trying to assert his authority in many ways and has been very mischievous. I feel bad because I want to be giving him the attention that he wants but I also need to be giving Boo2 attention. I hope that we can get back to a good routine soon.
The weather hasn't been helping, it has been absolutely freezing and raining the whole week so getting outside has been a challenge. I think that we all have a bit of cabin fever at the moment.
The very hard part about being a Mum is that many times, the things that we do to take care of ourselves, means spending a little time away from our kids. For me, this means that I feel guilty about it and worried that I am missing something. Time goes so fast and I don't want to miss anything.
I had a bit of a break yesterday, I went and had a coffee with my sister and just verbalising my concerns made me feel a lot better. I find that once I put these things out in the world, rather than keeping them inside, I feel a lot better.