10 Days to Go – Feeling a little Stressed!!

So, it is getting very exciting now but of course, very busy!!  There are only 10 more days to go until I fly out for Thailand and in between there, we have JBB’s 2^nd birthday party so things have gotten super duper hectic!!  There is sooooo much to do!

I did a few lots of meals and put them in the freezer over the weekend for when I am away, I still have a couple more to do but at least I will know that JourneyMan and JBB are eating decently when I am away.

Now the party is playing on my mind!!  We are still to pick up JBB’s main present – a cubby house and sand pit for the back yard.  He is such an outside kid, he is going to love it, I think!!  I still have to do a trial cake in the oven (it is a bit temperamental) to see how it bakes cakes because I am making the train cake for JBB. 

There are around 30 adults and children coming to the party and I don’t know if I have ever told you this before, I am not really a party person.  I don’t mind having birthday parties for JBB but it is all the preparations and clean up after that is stressful for me.  Well, I am just going to have to keep writing my lists and getting thing done, hopefully it will all turn out well.

Only 10 more days to go – I am all at once, excited, scared and stressed at all I need to get done!

Olympic Inspirations...

So, it is time for another Olympics to come to a close and whilst Australia didn't do quite as well as we'd hoped, it has been a great Olympics with inspirational stories.  I, of course, like to focus on the stories of the women because that is where I find my inspiration.

There is Erin Densham, the gutsy bronze medallist in the triathlon.  She gave it absolutely everything and was totally amazing considering she had been pulled from the water 3 years ago whilst competing in a triathlon and was diagnosed with a heart condition.  She recovered and fought her way back.  I love a fighter and she had a truly wonderful race.

Then there is Anna Meares, our wonderful track cyclist.  She was our youngest woman ever to win gold in Athens and then 7 months out she fractured a vertebrae in her neck and sustained other injuries in the fall and then went on to win a silver medal in Beijing - that was sensational.  She is held very close in our hearts and when she won gold in the sprint - well, really, how can you not be inspired by someone who was knocked down but got back up again and continued to compete.

Then there is my favourite medal of the games.  Sally Pearson's gold medal in the 110m hurdles.  There is not a nicer, more down to earth woman going around than this tenacious pocket rocket.  She has long  been a favourite of JourneyMan's and mine, we have seen her race at Stawell on a number of occasions.  After the debacle in the pool, she was our only world champ on the athletics track and the pressure landed on her hard.  I admire her greatly, she didn't shy away from it, without ego, she just said that she would do her best and hopefully everyone would be behind her at the end.  I was worried because it is a tough event, all you have to do is clip a hurdle and your dreams are over.  Sally absorbed the unbelievable pressure on her and ran perfectly won gold.  I cried when she won - she was fabulous!!

I love sport, I love the wonderful stories that can be found there.  When the Commonwealth Games were in Melbourne, I went with JourneyMan and all of my family to the athletics.  It was the day in which the women's marathon was run and as the two runners ran into the MCG for the final lap, an Australian woman, Kerryn McCann was in front, just.  The roar from the 90,000 strong crowd was amazing - I had never experienced anything like it before or since.  The last 400m was practically a sprint and even though the Kenyan runner got in front, Kerryn dug deep and kicked away in the last 200m.  This was a 38 year old mother of two children who had just won a gold medal in the Commonwealth Games - she was amazing and it was a truly legendary moment in Australian sport.  A year later, whilst pregnant with her 3rd child, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and died a year after that.  

She has always been an inspiration to me, I have always wanted to run a marathon but knew I would have to wait until after I had finished having my own family, the treatments are just too taxing.  The fact that she competed at the highest level (she finished 11th at the Sydney Olympics), went on to have a family and then won a gold medal at the Commonwealth games make be believe that one day I will be able to finish a marathon. Obviously, I won't be competing, I am a terrible runner, I just would like to complete one.

Sports stories usually tell me that, most of the time, you have to fail to win.  Winners are the ones that keep getting up when they are knocked down.  Of course, we can all relate to failing in our IF world.  TTC the normal way, IUI's, IVF, donor cycles, surrogates, miscarriages - all of us can relate to having to picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off over and over again.  I like to see people who have struggled, triumphant.   I have been lucky and have experienced that triumph in my journey.  I hope that all of you who are reading have experienced it too.

I still tear up thinking of Kerryn and the day she had her 'greatest race ever' - I am proud to have been a very small part of it.  Now that another Olympics is closing, I always have that mix of sadness and joy - I love it as a sporting event and I just love the stories.  I will not forget Erin, Sally and Anna - I love inspirational women and these are three of the best.  Bye London, I look forward to seeing all the action and stories from Rio.

Being Mum....

There are times when I mentally double take about being a Mum.  The past couple of weeks, I have come to the realisation, I am happy!  It is such a revelation, I have always been one of those people that 'will be happy when.....' - lose weight, meet the man of my dreams, have a baby, get the promotion etc.  

It all started with a domestic moment in the new house.  JBB love being outside and despite it being the wettest, coldest winter in recent memory, he's gotta go 'side, mummy, side' but I wanted to go back inside because I wanted to make him some stewed apples.  So I got the bag of apples, my knife and bowls (a big warm coat) and sat outside peeling and chopping apples while JBB rode his 3 wheeler and chased the dog.  It was in this moment, I realised that I am happy and it is these simple things that make me so.  Watching JBB running around and hearing his beautiful laugh, seeing his cheeky smile - I just thought 'how lucky am I to be his Mum?' and then I had the mental double take 'I am his Mum'.

It is strange that after 2 years, that the title that sometimes fits like a glove, sometimes feels like I'm having a beautiful dream and that I will wake up and realise that I never had that successful cycle (that thought causes me to break out in a cold sweat).  

At some point in the past few years, I have finally realised that you don't have to have everything you want in your life to be happy.  Maybe I am a slow learner but I spent most of my 20's and 30's chasing after perfection, the perfect job, the perfect man, the perfect relationship, the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect family.  In my 20's, this chase for perfection inside and outside of myself led me to abuse myself in a variety of ways, eating, drinking, smoking and mentally beating up on myself.  In my 30's, I started to move away from this behaviour and finally I met my 'perfect for me' man and we entered the world of IF.  

I approached IF the way I approached most other things in my life, like a bull at a gate.  All of our decisions early on were based on the 'get this done as quickly as possible' and then IF forced patience on to us.  It also forced real sorrow, pain and heartache.  It forced me to look at myself and my life.  Previously, I was on the fast track at work, I wanted to work harder and better than everyone else because I 'was going places'.  In the midst of preparing for IVF #3 with my own eggs, I quit my job and ended up negotiating to go back to them on a contract doing 3 days a week.  This changed my view of work and career forever.  My priorities had changed, the important thing no longer was proving how good a worker I was, it was to start to protect and nurture myself through the stress of multiple IVF cycles.

When, after two and a half years and 5 failed cycles with my own eggs, we turned to a Thai donor and clinic and experienced sweet, wonderful success.  We welcomed our son into the world and I became 'Mum'.  It is a difficult role, there is no handover, no manual and each and every child is different.  You have to learn on the job.  When you think you have something worked out, it all changes.  It is challenging but sweet, so beautifully sweet.

My birthday on Monday was nothing out of the ordinary, I wasn't whisked off in a private jet to a tropical island to celebrate.  I was woken by my boys, JourneyMan, JBB and JourneyDog who is Woolly.  I was given presents, slippers (I LOVE them), magazines, chocolates and an iTunes voucher.  I went to work and my Bestie took me out for cupcakes for lunch.  When I went to pick up JBB from my Mum's, she had helped JBB to pick flowers for me and make a card and she gave me some presents (pi's, bras and a trestle table - all of which I loved!).  We then had Italian takeaway for dinner and chocolate cake.  This is the most ordinary of birthday's but to me, it was all bliss - I have never been happier.

I don't have everything that I want.  Of course, we all know that I want another child, that is a given.  I wish we had been able to buy a house rather than rent, I wish that we had more money so that I didn't have to work and I could be a stay at home Mum.  I think that we all want more.  Once we get something that we want, we immediately start to focus on the next thing that we want, that is human nature, I think.

Being a Mum is way different but also the same as I imagined.  I love my life, I love my husband, I love my son, I love my Woolly dog - our family is wonderful.  After all of these years, the thing that I wanted most of all, despite all of its challenges being a Mum has taught me the lesson that despite the fact that you don't have everything that you want in your life, you can still be amazingly happy.

Being a Mum is what I was born to be.

Birthday’s, Anniversary’s and Cycle 9 starts in earnest!!

So, it is my birthday today and I am 41.  I am not freaking out too much over it, though I am not exactly over the moon either.  You would think that after all of these year’s of making family plans that haven’t come to fruition that I would stop making plans but I still persist in trying and my latest disappointment is that I wanted to have finished IVF by the time I turned 41.  The year before that, I had wanted to be finished having cycles by the time I turned 40.  So another birthday has rolled around and yes, I am still continuing cycles – of course, I still may be doing them next year as well – I accept that now.

It has been a lovely birthday so far, JourneyMan took me out to Gold Class last night to see the new Batman movie which was pretty good.  JBB also gave me (and JourneyMan) a great birthday present, he slept right through the night to 6am – what a little star!!  JourneyMan and JBB also gave me some presents this morning and I had lots of kisses and hugs from all of my boys made it a great birthday morning.  One of the best things about working with my Bestie is that we get to spend time together that we previously wouldn’t have – we went for coffee this morning and then we had lunch and cupcakes – yum, what a nice day!  It’s also my Mum’s birthday tomorrow so we are having a birthday lunch for the both of us with the whole family on Sunday, which will be lovely as well.  I have had lots of calls and messages from family and friends and tonight, the three of us are having a nice dinner together as a family.  Honestly, how can a birthday be any better (unless I was turning 25?) – I am one lucky woman.  I had always dreamed of such simple family life and now that I have it, it is even better than I had imagined.  The chipmunk voice ‘Mummy, story, mummy, book?’ waking me, the chubby little arms wound around neck hugging me and patting me for comfort, the smile and squeals of delight as I play with him.  Dreams do come true.

I would like to take a few moments to acknowledge a few of the other anniversary’s that have passed over the past couple of months without my acknowledgement on the blog:

• May marked the 10 year anniversary of being sober – am very proud of myself, this is a huge accomplishment – I was going to do a whole post on this and I will at some stage because it was a massive changing time of my life. 
• July 29 was our 5^th wedding anniversary!  I am so very happy to have met my JourneyMan and the past 5 years have been wonderful! 
•  July 31 was my 3 year blogaversary!!  I can’t believe I have actually been blogging for 3 years, it has been so good to keep a record of our Journey as well as to provide the catharsis for the overwhelming emotions that accompany a Journey such as ours – I appreciate each and every one of you that has read anything that I have written over the past 3 years!

Finally, cycle 9 has started in earnest.  The BCP has stopped, AF kind of came and I am now on the oestrogen to build up the lining.  I am getting very excited now – only 17 days to go!!  I am sure that is going to go very quickly!!

Cycle Analysis….

So, I got worse and worse and finally went back to the doctor and they said that I had the flu and pharyngitis.  Everything was looking pretty bleak on Monday, it was not a great day.  It was pretty unbearable, I was almost unable to swallow my own spit and the pain from my throat was agonising.  I had been on anti-biotics for 5 days and nothing had changed, in fact I had gotten worse.  I had Monday off from work and asked my (new) boss if I could work from home for the rest of the week which he was agreeable to so after some serious resting on Monday, things slightly improved on Tuesday and hugely improved on Wednesday!

In the dark days of Monday, I wondered if the cycle was compromised.  It is not a nice place to be but I just had to keep telling myself, I am going on this trip, I am going to get myself well and I am going to give these beautiful embryos the best chance in life possible.  The rollercoaster is in full force, I keep thinking that I am ready and all is going well and then *bam* something will happen and I think that it is all going to hell.  I think the hardest thing to keep on a cycle is your equilibrium.  That is hard for me at the best of times but add in hormones, stress and leaving the men in my life for 10 days and it is super tough.

Now that I am on the mend, I am back to being enthusiastic and excited about the trip.  There is still the fear that this cycle will be a failure but at the end of the day, whatever will be, will be.  I am trying to focus on the positives about this trip (having a trip with my best mate, getting treatments, sleeping, shopping, relaxing, getting pregnant of course!!

In my true nerdy style, I have analysed all 3 previous cycles to see what the differences are to this cycle.  Here is my analysis:

JBB Oct-11 Dec-11 Aug-12 Days on BCP: 23 16 21 53 Days on Progynova: 24 17 18 25 Transfer cycle day: 25 18 19 26 Embryo Quality: 1 x 4BB 1 x 4AB 1 x 3BC 1 x 2AA 1 x 4BB  1 x 2BB

So the biggest thing that I see here is that with JBB, I had 24 days of Progynova and of course we know that ended up being a successful cycle.  The Oct and Dec cycles had significantly less days of Progynova to develop the lining (-7 and -6 respectively), so hopefully the big positive of this cycle is that I have almost the same number of days of Progynova as I did with JBB.  The other aspect, of course, is the quality of the embryo’s.  We had excellent quality for both JBB and for Oct-11 but Dec-11 weren’t as good but this time we have one embryo that is the same quality as JBB as well as an extra one.  At the end of the day, we all know that there is no way to tell what cycle will be successful and which won’t be but I feel relieved that this coming cycle is much closer to mirroring (in lining prep and embryo quality) our successful cycle with JBB.  There is no guarantees that it will work but I feel like we have a great chance.  Added to this is the fact that I have lost a good deal of weight from the Oct & Dec-11 cycles and although I have not reached the same weight that I was at for JBB, I think I made really good improvements.

It is three weeks to go.  My focus is to keep my body strong and nourished.  Relax as much as possible and minimise the roller coaster.  Until Sunday, I am focussing on getting as much sleep and ensuring that I am as completely recovered as possible.

4 Weeks to Go - Minutiae

It has been a pretty good week, though I still have swollen glands and a barking cough – I have been to the doctor and she has given me some anti biotics so hopefully that will knock it on the head soon.  Other than that, I am still feeling very ready for the cycle and getting really excited now.  We have an embryo that is the exact quality that JBB was so I am hoping that this

Most of the week, my bestie and I have been consumed with the minutiae of the trip.  We constantly discuss the trip down to the smallest detail and the thing that is making me the most happy is that we have been examining any stressors on the trip and eliminating them one by one.  For example, we have booked a car and driver for us to use on the day of the transfer.  It really is not that far from the hotel but for both transfers last year, I have gotten on the train going the wrong way and have had to get off at the next stop and rush back.  Once I go in for the transfer, my bestie will then take the car and driver and go and shop to her hearts content!!  Another item that has been organised is JBB.  JBB goes to bed at 7pm and as JourneyMan is taking us to the airport we will need to leave at around 7:30pm.  We have been looking for someone to come over to our place and sit in the house while JBB is snoozing there but my Mum wasn’t able to because she can’t really leave my Dad for that long now and JourneyMan’s Mum is working on that night.  I realised that my Mum is minding JBB on the Friday while JourneyMan was at work so asked if JBB could have a sleepover that night, which she of course said yes to – bless her!!  It means that we can get JBB tucked in with Nanna and then head off to the airport.  Gosh, I am going to miss him sooooooo much when I’m away.  We are planning to Skype every day so hopefully it will keep us all happy.

The funny thing about discussing the minutiae of the trip with my bestie is that JourneyMan is very unlike me in this respect.  I told him what we had been discussing and he said he preferred to be in the ‘macronutia’ and that if he was coming the only thing he would be concerned about is plane-hotel-clinic-hotel-plane home.  This I know for sure!!  He has tried to make fun of me saying things like ‘oh, I think that you should have a decaf coffee before you go in for the transfer’ at this place or that place and the funny thing is, we’ve already talked about those things.  I like the planning of a holiday, it serves to make the holiday way more fun in my mind!!

 There was also a day spent discussing JBB’s birthday party.  We are having his 2^nd birthday party at our new house and it is also for my sister (who’s birthday is on the same day as JBB), my sister’s husband and my Aunt.  It is family only (a apart from my bestie who is my family!!) which means that there are around 30 people coming.  I had pretty much done all the menu and a few people were helping out with some dishes but I have found a wholesale party food place who will provide a pack of food and 50 balloons and deliver to us on the morning of the party – sooooo happy!!  One thing that I do want to do for JBB (and also his sister or brother when they come along) is to make them a special birthday cake every year.  Last year because we had the big combined (with my 40^th) birthday party, I made and decorated 90 cupcakes and arranged them into the shape of a big number 1.  This year I am making a train cake which I am sure he is going to totally love!!  I have to admit, I have gone a bit over the top with his birthday presents, I just keep on seeing things that he would love and buying them – he is so spoilt!!

So, the trip is very organised.  Our finances are very healthy and I have also submitted my quarterly tax on time – yayers!!  Once we hit August, it will be all go – there is a lot to organise and do.  I am very excited now and I am still feeling very ready to be pregnant again and to hold a little baby in my arms again.

Ready.....

Now that I have mostly shaken off the illness of the past week or so, I have come to face the undeniable fact that I am now ready.  Ready to go to Thailand, ready for another cycle, ready for another baby.  I have not been this ready since we went to Thailand the first time to have JBB.  

I feel good in my body (I have lost almost 20kg’s / 42lbs), despite not doing any running this past week – I can easily run 5km, so I feel very fit and strong.  My body is now ready for another pregnancy.  I have decided to stop the running from now on because it is really taxing me – I am wanting the next 38 days to be all about, replenishing, nourishing and nurturing my body so that I am 100% ready to go for the transfer.  That doesn’t mean that I am stopping exercise, I am not – I still plan on walking an hour a day, at least 5-6 times per week.  I do need to get back to doing my yoga – that makes me feel very stretched and strong as well.  I will be doing that 5-6 times per week also.

We are now ready in our living situation as well.  We are in a house that has plenty of space for all of us as well as ample to bring another person into our family.  JBB and JourneyDog absolutely love the space to run around in and we have a new bedroom all ready and waiting for a little baby to come and join us!  We haven’t completely set the baby’s room up yet, we just haven’t had a chance to.  I don’t mind though, that space is all there ready for our new little one to arrive.  Previously, we were in a 2 bedroom unit with a small living area and a courtyard, now we are in a 3 bedroom house with a nice living area and a good sized backyard.  We are also in a very family friendly neighbourhood rather than on a main road where we were before..  I know that we would have been able to bring a baby into that unit and it would have been okay but I would much rather have the extra space and the baby to have a room all of their own rather than share.

I am now ready in my mind.  I now feel extremely confident that I can handle a new baby coming into our lives.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t think that there will be times when I am tearing my hair out from exhaustion and frustration – no, I understand that 2 children means double the work, it’s just that I know in my heart that I can handle it now (there were definitely doubts before).  In hindsight, I wasn’t ready in October last year and I still wasn’t in December.  I feel, I was more trying to work to a timeline rather than readying myself for another pregnancy and baby.  I really wanted it all to be ‘over with’ rather than concentrating on accepting another miracle into our lives and building our lives into the kind of family life that we will all enjoy.

I also mainly wanted a sibling for JBB and whilst this has not changed, I also want another baby for myself and JourneyMan.  Previously, I had believed that if I hadn’t wanted a sibling for JBB so badly, I would have moved past IVF altogether and gotten on with our lives.  That’s not true now.  I want to have another baby to relish their differences from JBB, to be pregnant again (and hopefully not worry as much this time), to have a newborn and see them changing every day.  Once my sister had her baby, my heart started to yearn again for a baby in the house.

I don’t necessarily think that this ‘readiness’ is the difference between success and failure of the cycle – who knows why any cycle is a success or a failure?  However, I do feel much better in myself about my own preparedness.  I haven’t been 100% on my plan to do all of my complimentary therapies but I feel that I have done enough.  Enough that if it is negative that I am not going to beat up on myself and blame myself for it.  It will just not be the right time.  Don’t get me wrong, if it is negative, I will be upset and will grieve very much (certainly because it is our last ditch effort for a full blood sibling for JBB) but I am not going to fillet myself with thoughts and words.  I have spent the past 8 months between cycles very well.  I have worked on myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.  We have also changed our living situation considerably, we are all happier.

So, I am ready – what am I going to do with these last 38 days?!??!?!  

Oh yes, packing, cleaning, organising JBB’s 2^nd Birthday, cooking some food for JourneyMan and JBB to have while I am away – oh yeah, still lots to do!!

A Weekend O Shite

The Journey House has not been a happy one over the past few days.  JBB has been sick and so has Journey Man.  JBB has also been getting up at around 4am every morning for the last few months.  We put him back to his room whereupon he cries for around an hour because we then get up at the more ‘civilised’ time of 5am.  In addition to that, he has started to eschew his daily nap.  The result has been one very, very tired and grumpy little boy.

JourneyMan has also been very grumpy because he is sick as well and because he has not been wearing the CPAP machine for the past few nights, I haven’t been getting much sleep either.  On Saturday evening, things took a turn for the worse.  I was cutting up JBB’s dinner when I was doubled over with a pain in my side.  It kept on occurring for awhile and because it was similar to the pain that I had when I had the blood clot in my lung, I was worried.  I called the Nurses on Call, who immediately called the ambulance.  The ambulance people checked me out and said that I needed to go into emergency for further testing so we organised for JourneyMan’s Mum to have JBB for the night and I headed in to the hospital.

An emergency room on a Saturday night when the moon is full is not a particularly fun place to be.  We waited for a long time.  I felt pretty stupid because I didn’t really believe that it was a blood clot but we felt like it had to be ruled out for safety’s sake.  After about 3 hours of waiting, a blood test and a chest xray, I had some raised blood indicators that made them want me to stay in over night and get an MRI scan in the morning.  Until there were the raised indicators, I wasn’t really worried, I thought they would rule it out and then I would go home.

That gave me pause to think about the consequences of it being a clot.  I would have needed to have blood thinning therapy for approximately 12 months which would rule out the cycle in August or really any other cycles for at least a year.  This sent me reeling a bit because we had already determined that we would hopefully (worst case scenario) be finished with cycles by the end of 2013. 

Thankfully, we don’t have to consider the changes that this would have wreaked as the scan on Sunday turned out to be clear.  It turns out that I have some pleurisy in the lungs (Pleurisy is inflammation of the lining of the lungs and chest (the pleura) that leads to chest pain -usually sharp- when you take a breath or cough.) from a viral infection so apart from some pain killers to deal with the pain of it, there is nothing further that can be done.

Hopefully, the Journey house will return to good health and lots of sleeping soon (though I am thinking that we need a good plan for our rascally little JBB).

6 and a half weeks to go!!

Something I can’t get off my mind

I am going to a baby shower in a few weeks and apart from the fact that I am not telling any of my friends (except my bestie who is coming – yayers!) about the cycle in Thailand in August, I don’t mind baby showers now.  They used to hold so many emotions for me, jealousy, hope, wishful thinking, hurt, self pity but now they are a genuine chance to be happy for my friends who are having babies. I am lucky enough to have had my baby shower and I am happy not to have another one (though I still want another baby of course!!).

The friend whose shower it is for is 43 and is pregnant with her boyfriend of a year.  There is no judgement there, I more than anyone else know how loud the biological clock can tick and definitely would have preferred a baby over a wedding any day of the week.  She also has a long history of bad luck with boyfriends and had basically given up any chance of a baby of her own a while ago, so I am very happy indeed at her change in circumstances.

I saw her awhile ago and was really excited to talk to her about the baby.  I was pretty much shut down though (she was about 20 weeks at the time) when she really brushed aside my congratulations.  In my mind, I thought ‘weird’ but tried again.  ‘So how are you feeling, it must be all very exciting?’  Her answer to this was ‘not really, it is all pretty boring’.  She also told me that she didn’t see the point in stopping work early (I wanted to let her know to enjoy those halcyon days when you finish work and the baby hasn’t come yet because there is not much sleep for a while after that) and said that she is working up until the week the baby is due.  Ooooookay, no worries, everyone is different and have there own choices to make, right?

Generally, I consider myself a pretty inclusive person – I really don’t mind what anyone does (as long as they are not hurting anyone else of course) but this burned me and I have been thinking about it for weeks.  Let me recap – she got pregnant at 43 without any trouble that is surely worth a bit of excitement and gratitude!!!  I have felt really affronted by her lack of excitement, or even any real interest.  I know that this is really about me and my journey and probably the fact that I worked so hard for my pregnancy but didn’t really enjoy it because I was so worried, so I know that it’s not her fault, it’s mine.  I didn’t know that something like this would bother me so much but I wanted to shake the pregnant woman and tell her to be excited, dammit.  Not really good behaviour for polite company!!

I hope that there is a little more excitement at the baby shower, either way, I promise there will be no shaking of the pregnant lady.

Great Post O Whinging (read at own risk)

It is a sad fact that I am feeling pretty miserable at the moment.  The weather for one is really getting me down.  I have been getting up at 5am a few times a week to go running and it is very cold and it’s raining so much. This morning, I just couldn’t face getting out of bed and going for a run in the rain again today – yesterday, I was saturated when I got home and I felt cold for the rest of the day.  The building at work is also cold so I am sitting at my desk all day freezing, my bestie and I go for a walk at lunch time and because of the rain, we walk up and down the mulit level car park (so that we don’t get wet) for an hour – it is hardly inspirational scenery., the concrete jungle of a car park.  I am also pretty strictly dieting so that I can lose as much weight as possible before I go to Thailand for the cycle.  Basically I feel like I am in ‘Survivor’, I am cold and hungry (and sometimes battling the elements in physical challenges) most of the time.

To add to my misery this past week, the cramps have come back.  The past few months I have been relatively cramp free – this is a huge improvement from the 3 weeks per month of cramping that I had been having previously but now they are back again and with a vengeance!!  I think probably because I am on the pill it is throwing my hormones out again.  It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, I hope that it won’t be the whole time until I go to Thailand.

I also must say that I am tired of this journey.  Just bone tired.  I was reading through my blog yesterday and I realised that we are actually coming up on our six year anniversary of dealing with infertility and cycles.  In all of that 6 years the only time that I haven’t been considering a cycle, preparing for a cycle or going through a cycle was during the time that I was pregnant with JBB.  Even then I was calculating how long we would need before we could go back and try again.  The mental, physical and emotional energy needed to go through a cycle is phenomenal.  To keep fronting up cycle after cycle takes a monumental effort.  In the beginning, we were in a huge hurry because I was 35 and the clock was ticking ominously.  In a few weeks, I am going to be turning 41 – nuff said.

I know that it is our choice to try for another child, I don’t need any well meaning friends or relatives to tell me how lucky I am to have JBB and that I should be satisfied with our success (if you are looking for a really great article about what to say and what not to say to someone who is experiencing infertility – go here).  I absolutely 100% realise how lucky that I am and since I am his mother, I want the best for him and I want him to have a sibling to go through life with.  I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for our son to grow up with a sibling.  I will do as much as I possibly can to make this happen (which is why I will continue to walk in the concrete jungle and run in the rain and diet until I go).

Unless you’ve been through it, most people don’t understand just how much planning cycles, preparing for cycles, going through cycles and recovering from cycles infiltrates every part of your life.  From the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed at night – every decision that I make is considered with the cycle in mind.  Even something so simple as getting the timing of medications, supplements and Chinese herbs right takes a good plan to make sure that there are no contraindications etc.

I know that I am just having a down day, I know that I am lucky and that many others are still battling in the trenches without any success.  I know that I am a big whinger.  I will not be angry if you have skipped over this post – there is only so much whinging anyone can take.

There is no possibility of a time warp, right - seriously, I feel as if time is going in super slow motion right now.  I usually would never say this but I really wish it would speed up a bit.

I am sure that the sun will come out tomorrow – right?!?!?

Trust

I am slightly panicked at the moment.  As you know, I started the pill and clexane a couple of weeks ago so I feel like the cycle has started but then of course, I have been having breakthrough bleeding for the past week, along with pretty bad cramps..  It is not even just a little bit of spotting, it is actually a lot (sorry TMI).  I don’t think that it matters in terms of the cycle, I mean, the thinner the lining when I start the Progynova the better, right.  It is just an inkling that my body is not responding as it should be to the drugs.

I am always trying to be positive about my body but years of hatred of it has left some very bad habits.  I need to trust myself and trust my body that it knows what to do.  The weird thing is that it’s not as if I haven’t been pregnant before.  This is a bit of a revelation because after the last two failed cycles, I seem to have transported myself back in time to when I had never been pregnant, never seen those two lines on the test, not carried a baby full term.  It is weird that something that was so profound and meaningful in my life has been relegated to almost feeling like a dream, I mean how is that even possible?  I seem to be so desperate to find the bad in myself that I have forgotten that my body was there for me at the best time in my life. 

I got pregnant and it was a pretty uneventful pregnancy.  I was looked after well by my OB but the main thing is that my body did everything that it was supposed to do.  So how has all of that goodness been wiped away by a couple of failed cycles?  In many ways, I was so worried in the pregnancy that I didn’t even relate that JBB was in my body and when he was born, it was like I had never even carried him.  In my mind, I had even believed that my main contribution to JBB’s existence was the fact that I found the clinic.  How can this happen – I really just think that after a lifetime of blaming my body for the ills of my life that I went back to what I know.  I think that this is very sad but now that I am aware of it, I can make some steps to change.

Last night, JBB was pretty cranky so I had Thomas the Tank Engine on the TV and he was snuggled up to me and it was at that point I tapped in to how utterly grateful that I was able to carry him, to grow him from an embryo and to take care of him from the day he was transferred.  I think that this is a big breakthrough – I feel so much better about myself and way more confident that I can once again get pregnant and carry another child full term.  

Only seven and a half weeks until I fly to Thailand, I am ready to trust my body again, I am ready..