Worried...

I am sure that you are all sick to death of the talk about the cramps but my goodness, they are pretty bad at the moment. I feel like I only really had a week or so of a reprieve when I started the progesterone and now they have come back with a vengeance, tonight is particularly bad. At last Friday's scan, my cervix had also shortened, not significantly (4mm - am hoping it is just the difference in the measuring by the sonographer) but enough to worry me. Cap that off with the fact that JourneyMan has finished his job and has not got a new one yet, I am in a bit of a hole of worry. I am hoping like hell that the cervix hangs in there because we need the money from my job right now - I am feeling quite alot of pressure. Don't get me wrong, JourneyMan is doing everything possible to get a job but I am feeling quite breathless with the crushing weight of responsibility right now.

My Dad also seems to be deteriorating quite rapidly. He had been in the hospital for 3 weeks but he got out just in time for him and Mum to go with some friends to Norfolk Island, I think it will be the last time he can go on holiday. The specialists have reiterated that there is nothing further that they can do about the hydrocephalus but they also said that he would deteriorate much quicker if he got any infections and he has had pneumonia which hasn't helped matters. It is such a tough situation because he cannot reason about the situation and is getting more agressive and paranoid as time goes on.

On the positive side of things, JBB has been moving around like crazy. JourneyMan has even felt it a couple of times and his face was fabulous when he felt him do a big kick.

I am trying to relax as much as possible but at the moment, I am finding it quite tough. I am hoping JBB is going well. I am hoping that the cervix is all good at this Friday's check. I am hoping JourneyMan gets a job really soon. I am hoping my Dad finds some peace within himself.

What IF?

Project IF is a joint project between the fabulous Mel of the Stirrup Queens and Resolve to create awareness for Infertility. You can find out more about Project IF here. If you have a chance, read through the live and growing list of 'What IF's' from bloggers here - it is extremely moving. Here is a link to Keiko Zoll's video - I watched it with JourneyMan yesterday and my heart hurt with the plain truth of this video. I read your blog stories every day and I am constantly moved by the unfairness that some people's journey takes but am also blown away by the courage that you women show - you are all amazing in my book.

So here is my What IF submission:

What IF a part of me still grieves for the golden hair genetic child that should have been mine?

What IF the walls that I built around myself on my IF journey never come down again?

What IF I can't forgive my friends and family for telling me that I just need to get over it?

What IF my unicornuate uterus cannot sustain this pregnancy to term?

What IF my son cannot forgive me for seeking an anonymous donor?

What IF I had given up without trying every avenue to have a child of my own?

What IF I am not a good mother?

What IF I forget the journey and take for granted my hard fought family?

What IF our families treat our son differently because he is not genetically mine?

The IF journey is a hard one. I don't think it matters if you have been trying for 6 months or 6 years, the What IF questions that we ask ourselves are generally the same. They unite us despite where we live geographically or our life circumstances.

Our journey has been a tough one. I have had 2 laparoscopies to clean out endo and diagnose my unicornuate uterus. I was born with only one kidney and I have a blood clotting disorder. My husband has had a vasectomy and a vasectomy reversal that was not completely successful. We had 5 cycles of IVF/ICSI before travelling to Thailand for a donor cycle which happily has been successful. I have cried many tears, the depth of the despair that I have felt cannot be easily described but I have also felt the cautious joy of success. I say cautious because even when I had the positive test, I was happy but didn't let myself be too happy because What IF it all went wrong? I have had cautious happiness each time I have reached a new milestone and I am hoping that unbridled joy will be mine once again at some point in the future - perhaps at the birth of JourneyBabyBoy?

In my country (Australia), the government took away much funding in January for IF services putting the cost out of reach for most average Australians. Generally, we had been lucky enough to be one of the best countries for funding IVF but now that declining every day. They also imposed new rules, one of which is police checks that must be completed before treatment commences which has increased the cost, increased time delays and has further alienated the IF community from every day Australians. JourneyMan and I chose to travel to Thailand to seek an egg donor because it is illegal to pay for egg / sperm donations in Australia - there are some very generous souls who do it out of the goodness of their heart but the waiting lists are, at minimum, 2-3 years. In my home state, you cannot advertise for a donor without submitting the advertisement to the government for approval. What IF we actually made it easier for infertile couples to receive treatment?

The What IF quesitons are not all bad ones - there are so many there that have hope. Hope was something that had become somewhat of an enemy but I am now gently holding it in my heart like a precious, fragile jewel. I am afraid to embrace it entirely but it is there nonetheless and growing every day.

What IF my son is brought up in a loving and attentive family and changes the world simply by his presence?

What IF we appreciate every moment of our journey for the rest of our lives?

What IF I hadn't been on this journey and didn't appreciate the preciousness of the life growing inside of me?

What IF I let unbridled joy back into my life?

For more information about infertility - please visit Resolve's Infertility 101
For the list of bloggers who answer the questions 'What IF' please click here.

The basketballness of things.....

In the last couple of days, my stomach has really popped out. So much so that I feel that I finally really look pregnant. In a weird way, I think I guess I was denying that I really looked pregnant. Mainly because of the reason that I had a dent in the middle of my stomach so I didn't really have that round, basketball look - I felt that I looked more fat that pregnant.

Now, I really feel like I look pregnant and I tell you, I like it!! I am very basketball like and I feel really good about that - if I am brutally honest, I can't stop going and looking at myself in the mirror (narcissistic much!?!?). This is great news because I have always had a very fraught relationship with my shape. Funnily enough, I had finally accepted my pear shaped body - loving my flat stomach, small waist and top and accepting of my larger thighs and bum, no longer trying to exercise them away, just accepting that this is the shape I was born with. Then I got pregnant and I have to admit, I kind of freaked because my waist disappeared straight away and I was bloated right from the beginning so my flat stomach was also gone.

For a long time I felt that people were looking at me and thinking 'here we go again' because I thought they would think I was putting on weight again (being the yo-yo from way back) and not that I was pregnant - I mean, honestly, as if people don't have enough to do with their time!! I did go through a time where I felt like I needed Tim Gunn or Trinny and Susannah to tell me what to wear since I had no idea to dress for my new shape. Now I have decided on an 'emphasise the bump' strategy - it is very freeing.

It is nice to like my body after many years of (quite frankly) blatant hatred of it. After feeling for many years that my body had betrayed me because of the issues that I have, I really feel that I have started to embrace my body. It is nice to feel appreciate of my body and the fact that I have finally been able to experience pregnancy. I feel very womanly and probably for the first time, satisfied with my body. I am sure that I will continue to struggle with my body issues into the future but I feel that I have really made huge leaps.

JourneyBabyBoy behaves!!

My weekly scan this week showed JBB's gorgeously perfect heart (that he kept very hidden last week) and he also let us get a lovely view of his beautiful little face - it was wonderful. All good in the scan and my cervix is behaving nicely too. The progesterone must also be doing it's thing because even though I have had cramps, they have been pretty mild and easily bearable - yay!!

On the belly front, things seem to have gone into overdrive as I am popping out all over the place - I am absolutely loving it!! I am busting out of many of my clothes now - I am well and truly into the maternity wear now. I had to go and get some new pj's though - all of the ones that I had were not comfortable enough. I found the most comfortable Pooh and Tigger one's - JourneyMan laughed at me when he saw me in them, I gave him a bit of a JBB dance.

I have been getting the dizzy spells again so I have to be really careful. We are going through a spell of unseasonable hot weather so I think that this might have something to do with it. I had to leave work today I was so dizzy. The exhaustion is still hanging around so the rest today has done me the world of good.

Apart from the dizziness, I have been feeling pretty good both physically and emotionally. I am SOOO excited about meeting our little baby boy (though of course I don't want to meet him just yet) - I am really, really looking forward to holding him in my arms. He has been kicking up a storm this week as well, I keep thinking that I can feel it on the outside but everytime JourneyMan tries, he can't feel it - oh well, it's my own little joy for a bit longer.

Want to clear up some things from last week's scan. JBB's feet were moving so much that they had trouble visualising all of his toes - JourneyMan was out of order saying that I had a big breakky - he was the one who had eggs, bacon, mushrooms (I nearly vomited from the smell), tomatoes, toast and a sausage and all I had was fruit toast and orange juice. Chelle & TIO - yes, I think it is an indication of his personality - very much like his father - laid back in many aspects and not easily poked and prodded into things but stubborn like a mule (gosh help me)!!

Hide & Seek - Journey Baby Style

Well, we are half way through the pregnancy - wow!! After time almost standing still there for awhile, it seems to be screaming by now, which I am thankful for on one hand but a little worried (in terms of JourneyMan getting a job and us getting our renovations done it time).

We had the 20 week scan on Friday and it was a bit of a trial. JBB seems to be very comfortable in the one place (he has been there for the last 4 weeks) and they couldn't do all of the visualisation on his face and heart. They are going to try again this week. This was after 90 mins of them poking and prodding, me having to go to the loo and jump up and down for a bit (what the!?!) and then JourneyMan and I had to take ourselves out for a walk around the block. Thankfully it was a gorgeous, Melbourne Autumn morning and it was pleasant to go for a walk. Though when we got back, they still couldn't see all that they needed to. They called the doctor in and even he couldn't get proper visuals. The doctor very nicely stressed that they are not worried at all, they just need to do the complete exam.

Thankfully, my cervix is behaving very well which is a relief! I am back to being so exhausted again now though. Last week, I worked 4 days and I didn't get an afternoon sleep on any day, couple that with a busy weekend and the fact that I am fighting off a cold, make for a serious need for sleep.

The weekend was busy but fun. I had the market on Saturday morning as usual, then the football on Saturday night. Sunday I had brunch around at my sister's for my nephew's birthday and then a coffee with my sister in law for her birthday. This weekend, I am heading up to the country to go to my other sister in law's baby shower, thankfully my bestie has agreed to come with me for the drive as she has friends up in the town so I won't be alone on the drive - plus it will give us a chance to have a good natter - yay!

A quick shout out to a good friend who is going through a donor cycle at the moment - my thoughts are with you, my friend - I am praying for excellent fertilisation rates!!

OB appointment...

Today was the 20 week OB appointment and thankfully, it looks like everything is going very well - yay!! I spoke to him about the cramps that I had been having and he believes that it is because my small uterus is stretching, stretching, stretching. He has given me a prescription for progesterone pessaries (more of the same Crinone action but messier apparently, is that even possible - booooo - I had 8 blissful weeks of not having to insert any medications - oh well, onwards and upwards!) and he said that it should help to loosen up the uterus and ease the cramps, hurrah!

He also said that the next weeks are critical as JBB is growing rapidly and it is now that he will start to put pressure on the cervix. At the moment, my cervix is measuring at 34mm and the OB said that he likes anything over 30. He said that if it gets 28 we will have to change things up and that if it goes to 25, he will have to start thinking about how to stop labour - I tell you that freaked me out quite a bit but at least everything is totally monitored at the moment so we will know if anything is going pear shaped and can do something about it.

The other thing on my mind at the moment is JourneyMan's job, he still doesn't have one and he is finishing at his work at the end of April - not too long away. I have been trying not to worry and hope heartily that everything will fall into place but the worry is now creeping in. Can everyone send some positive employment vibes his way?

We have the big 20 week anatomy scan on Friday so I am looking forward to that and hoping that all is looking wonderful with JBB.

Thanks to you guys for your thoughts on JourneyDog - it made me feel better and I know that there will be an adjustment when JBB comes home but he will always have a very special place in my heart. We gave him a bath this afternoon so he is back to his fluffy clean self but has had to be supervised when he ventures outside because we are doing the garden and he has taken to rolling in the freshly turn earth - the little rascal!

JourneyDog's Future....

One of the things that has really annoyed the crap out of me lately is people telling me (and JourneyDog that is Woolly) that he is going to be pushed to the side once JBB comes along. It pisses me off royally, I mean - do they think that we got our JD not thinking that we would have a child one day, no - we think that eventually JBB and JD are going to be besties!! I had dogs growing up and I loved it and them with a passion.

I have been extremely pleased because JD is used to small children already as he is around my nephews alot - the youngest nephew was only one when JD came on the scene so he has learnt about kids from a young age. He patiently waits through is wool or tail being tugged on - he plays with them for hours, in short, I am sure he thinks that they are his brothers. Funnily enough, they play 'doggie' all of the time too (on Easter Sunday, I came across the youngest nephew on his hands and knees licking water out of JD's bowl - oh dear!!).

One of my good points as a human being is that I am extremely loyal. This dog saved me on so many occassions. After a failed cycle and I was miserable - he would come and curl up with me and provide lots of Woolly comfort. He hasn't minded (too much) being grabbed and hugged at various occassions each day. He has brought so many smiles to my face, I just couldn't even count so do you really think I am going to push his gorgeous woolly love aside, I think not. As I have said on many occassions, love does not halve when you have an additional being come in to your life to love - it doubles!!

In short, JD is my family and there is no way in hell this little inside dog is getting kicked outside (or out of our hearts) when JBB comes home. JourneyMan and I are working to ensure that we make the transition as easy on his little Woolly self as possible.

Okay, I am off to sing my woolly song....

Glorious movement!

Yes, I have felt JourneyBabyBoy move - it has to be one of my favourite feelings that I have ever had - so beautiful, so precious - I am truly blessed. I have songs that I sing to JourneyDog that is Woolly when I get home from work, or really just when I feel like singing to him (I have a terrible voice but I do enjoy singing!!) and now I have started to sing to JBB.

Some days I still feel that the whole experience is very surreal and then I have an ultrasound and see him wriggling about or I feel him move or I see my belly swell more and more each day and I am SOOOOOO happy. There were many times that I despaired of these days ever coming, that I would ever see two lines on a pregnancy test, that I would ever feel the unbridled joy of a baby moving inside me and now I am thankful for every tear shed and every struggle that we went through because I am paying attention. I have changed significantly. Previously, I was a bit of a bull at a gate and would just try to push my way through everything but now that JBB and I are together, I think twice about pushing myself too far - I say no if I am tired and I rest and take care of myself way better than before. Even with every cramp, dizzy spell or nausea, I am thankful to be able to have this experience.

It sounds totally cheesy but I was watching an episode of Guilana and Bill today and they were speaking to a counsellor and the counsellor said to them - what would it mean to you to be childless? This is something that I refused to be. I am proud that I didn't let our dreams float away on a sea of problems and treatments. I am proud that our relationship grew stronger as a result of al lthat happened - I am absolutely grateful to be in the position that we are now, nearly halfway through the pregnancy and meeting our darling boy.

Sometimes I think about the fact that JBB is not my genetic child and more and more each day, I feel like he is a part of me - a very special miracle who I am so excited to meet and love with all of my heart. It is a nice time at the moment, a secret time between myself and JBB - only I can feel him you see (though JourneyMan has a chat to him every day) and I love it so much when he gives me a kick to let me know he is there.

Backaches and cramps and dizziness, oh my!

Firstly, Happy Easter everyone!! Plus a very special Happy Birthday to my bestie!!

Well, it has been a pretty hectic time for symptoms over the past week. My back continues to be a problem after jarring it on slipping out of the shower when I was a bit dizzy. I need to head back to my osteopath to continue to get things fixed up.

At my weekly scan on Thursday, happily JourneyBabyBoy is going well and certainly looked a bit more filled out this week, though they did call the doctor in again (always when I am by myself, which always scares the hell out of me!!) and interestingly enough, who is married to my fertility specialist - honestly, Melbourne sometimes is a very small town! The doctor told me that the next few weeks are critical because JBB is getting bigger and putting more pressure on the cervix so that is when the risks are highest - I am to rest as much as possible. So that put paid to any thought of garden work on Good Friday (though because of my back, I honestly was only ever going to supervise JourneyMan).

Unfortunately on Friday, the cramps also returned with a vengeance. I tried all of the normal tricks - warm bath, analgesic, hot packs (all which the OB has directed me to do) but nothing helped and the cramps continued. I called the on-call OB and she asked me to come in and meet her at the hospital so JourneyMan and I headed in. The nurse and OB were absolutely wonderful - they checked JBB's heartbeat which was fine and did an internal exam (boooooo!) to check that nothing was happening - thankfully it wasn't. So, we were sent home with directions for me to rest and have as quiet a weekend as possible. The diagnosis being most likely that the cramps were caused my bowel spasms (ew!) which makes sense as after my last laparoscopy, there was some endo that could not be cleared out from that region - oh well, looks like I just have to grit my teeth and bear the cramps for the journey. Thankfully the cramps went away over night and Saturday was a more bearable day.

On Saturday, I didn't go to the market as usual as I was doing what I was directed to do which is to rest but I did end up going to the footy. JourneyMan and I both follow different teams and as it happened, they were playing each other on Saturday - we don't go together though, I go with my Auntie and he goes with his brother. It was supposed to be a very non-stressful game (which was one of the reasons that I went) because my team is going pretty good and JourneyMan's team is having a rough time of it, so my team was expected to win by a very large margin. It ended up being as close as a game could get with my team winning only by one point. When I was walking out, I started seeing spots and had to sit down because of the dizziness - gosh, what a weekend! On the positive side of things, I had the best night's sleep ever last night - I felt so much better today - yay!!

Now I am back on the couch (where I seem to be living mostly these days) with the JourneyDog who is Woolly. He is very tired after being chased around by my three nephews at Easter brunch with my sister and brother in law at their place today. It was a perfect autumn day today, sunny and warm but not hot, we sat out on their deck and had pancakes and savoury breads - life couldn't have been any better!!

I know that it seems that I am complaining because there are so many things going on with the pregnancy but in reality - for the most part I am enjoying it. It is such an interesting time, each day I am finding my body changing - which can sometimes be a challenge because I am feeling a bit like an elephant at the moment but I also love the basketballness of my stomach and am really enjoying the thought and feelings of just being pregnant especially wishing and waiting for these moments for so long. Nothing is ever as I expect it to be but by the same token, it is all wonderful.

JourneyMan is being super duper kind to me and helping out loads plus he is on a new health and fitness routine which has made me SOOOO proud of him, he is doing an amazing job.

Well, that's it from me. I am so behind on my reading and commenting, I feel it is going to take me weeks to catch up - I am so sorry to everyone, I am going to get back on board asap!!

Time going by...

Well, it is 17 weeks and all is well. The cramping has continued and now my back has chimed in - so much so that I am going to have to go and see my osteopath. The dizziness is still here as well but other than that, all is very, very excellent! My scan on Friday was a good one and thankfully the cervix has measured exactly the same as it did last week - yay. I also asked if JourneyBabyBoy had enough room as it is something that I am continually wondering about because of my halfa uterus and the sonographer said yes, he has plenty of room.

Lots to do this week in the lead up to Easter. I am working Monday, Tuesday and Thursday this week and Wednesday I am going to get the hedge plants to border our courtyard to start the greening process. I have a lot planned over Easter as well, Friday, JourneyMan and I are going to work in the garden, paint our new front door and get our hedge plants in - yay. Saturday, I am off to the football (Australian Rules football!), Sunday we are having lunch with my sister as well as finishing dyeing some curtains for our bedroom and then on Monday I am taking my bestie out for a birthday treat day, we are having manicures and pedicures, then a luxury afternoon tea - I can't wait, we haven't spent that much time together recently so a day of chatting and catching up is just what the doctor ordered!

I sometimes feel like this whole pregnancy is a bit surreal, even though I get to see JBB every Friday. It is quite a wonderful time and we are being spoilt with so many presents already from my Mum (she made us up a little package to have under the change table), my Aunty has just given us some clothes as well as blankets and bibs and JourneyMan's best mate's wife has just given us some clothes for JBB as well - he is obviously the most spoilt child already!!

Cramps galore!

Well, it has been an eventful few days. Friday's scan went very well, nice long and closed cervix, no drama's getting there and JBB all good. They did another check to make sure that JBB is indeed a boy - yes, he is there is no doubt about it - yay!!

Saturday I had my normal day of going to the market for the weeks food shopping but beforehand JourneyMan and I did a (very overdue) house clean. After the market, my Mum and I headed off to a maternity clothes sale and I got a couple of pants - a black pair that are just sensational. some nice work ones and I nice jumper for the winter since I have pretty much nothing that will fit once winter hits! So, I was pretty exhausted when I got home from all of my adventures and I hit the couch in a bit way.

A couple of hours later, I started getting really bad cramps. They were so bad that I could barely walk hunched over to the bathroom to get some painkillers. JourneyMan was over at his friends house and I called him and couldn't stop crying because I was so scared. Poor JourneyMan was very worried and talked to his best friend's wife who gave some suggestions which JourneyMan texted me. I know that the doctor told me last time that some people get period cramps all through their pregnancy but it is still very freaky and hard not to think that something is wrong.

Since then, I have been getting cramps everyday. No bleeding thankfully but still, it has been a rough few days cramps wise. Yesterday, the dizzyness also came back with a vengeance - though I haven't fallen over thank goodness.

Not much else happening at the moment - mostly I am just trying to stay in as positive frame of mind as possible.