A trip to the hospital..

We are definitely mired in that first 6 weeks of feeding, sleeping, waking, changing nappies and repeat and repeat again.  The days have run into each other and whilst I have a million posts running around in my mind, I haven't really had much chance to get on the computer and report what is going on in our lives but mostly it has been dealing in the business of a newborn.  I definitely have found myself enjoying it a lot more this time, I know that it is the last time and it is worth taking the time to pay attention and soak in the experience while it lasts.  Sometimes this can be challenging because there is the serious sleep deprivation but that is normal and at least this time I know that it will end at some point.

Our darling Boo2 caught a virus from JBB and had laboured breathing the other night so we rang the nurses on call and they advised us to go to the hospital.  We took him to to the royal children's and as usual, they were wonderful.  We had to stay the night so that they could observe his breathing and what was happening.  As it turns out, he had bronchiolitis and that was why he was unsettled and his breathing was laboured.

We were able to check out by late morning as they found that he was getting better as time went on, he does make a strange sound when he is breathing so he has been referred to an ear nose and throat consultant - we are waiting to see when our appointment will be.  We also had a follow up appointment with our GP today and thankfully, she gave our little darling the all clear.

It has been an emotionally, physically and mentally draining week.  There was a lot of dejavu in going to the children's because it was where we had to take JBB when he had the Kawasaki disease.  The fear was palpable and I felt sick that my boy was in trouble.

So much of parenting for me is worry and fear and it is something that I am going to have to learn how to control.  My family is absolutely everything to me and the thought of anything happening to it, scares the hell out of me.  With great joy and love also comes great risk to your heart.  It is absolutely worth the risk, but scary none the less.

Thankfully, both of my boys are great - I love them dearly, they saturate me in happiness.

Two Weeks

Our Tiny Boo2 is two weeks old, I am amazed that the time has gone so fast.  He is feeding so well and I am really happy that I have plenty of milk for him as well - with JBB we needed to top him up every night with formula but we don't have to do that with Boo2.  We have an appointment with the maternal health nurse tomorrow so I am looking forward to a good weight gain.  A girlfriend who was due on the same day as I was had her baby a couple of days ago, also a boy but he was almost double Boo2's weight at birth.  Boo2 was in 00000 clothes when he was born but he is already too long for those now - he is very, very skinny (but very healthy, thank goodness!!).  I'm thankful every day that they got him out a little earlier since he had stopped growing.  He is one hungry kid, let me tell you.

He is a pretty chilled out baby, eats well, sleeps well and has a little chat (aaaaah) when he is awake.  He has quite an intense stare and he likes to check out everything around him when he is awake.  I am feeding on demand and he usually goes around 3-4 hours between feeds, sometimes (like yesterday) he will go through a cluster of 3-4 feeds in around 4 or 5 hours.

It is taking me a long time to recover from the c-section, there is still quite a bit of pain and it feels like such a longer road back to health this time. I also am very concerned about my weight - I definitely need to start losing some weight as it got out of control during the pregnancy.  This is hugely important to me because I am an older mother, I need to be in tip top shape to be able to chase after my boys but also to be there as long as possible in their lives.  I hope to be around and fit enough to enjoy being a grandmother but that will mean that I need to be in absolute top fitness (i.e. if they wait until they are in their 30's to have kids, I will be in my 70's - eeep!!!).

JBB is an awesome big brother, he is so gentle with Boo2 and loves to give him kisses and hold him.  I am so proud of him.  We did have a rough time last week because he was way out of his routine and wasn't having his afternoon sleeps so we were in tantrum city. Thankfully this week, he is back having his afternoon sleeps again and we have a much more harmonious household.  It is great to have JourneyMan at home to help out with the two of them as I definitely would be struggling if I was on my own since I can't pick up JBB at the moment because of the c-section.

Last week, I was feeling pretty low because JBB was having lots of tantrums and I felt like all I was doing was telling him off.  Now we are in a bit of a better routine and we are now back to having lots of cuddles and I make sure that I spend some one on one time with him every day.

The hormones have gotten to me a bit as well.  Last week JBB said that one of his friends at daycare had told him to 'go away' and I burst into tears.  

It is interesting though what a difference experience makes.  With JBB I was pretty stressed out because I didn't have enough milk for him and had to top him up with formula.  I also was really shocked at the relentlessness of getting up every 2-4 hours to feed, it was quite a change to how our lives were before and of course, nothing could prepare you for how that was.  This time, I am tired but for the most part it is just something I do.  I think that the hardest thing that I have dealt with over the past 3 years is when JBB got sick.  Those weeks were the worst of my life.  I was up for almost a week without sleep as I was holding him whilst he whimpered with pain for days on end.  If I dozed off, I would wake up and rediscover that the nightmare was still real.  

I think that the experience of that terrifying time has given me really good perspective.  I hear Boo2 crying with hunger and whilst I am tired, I am also happy to get up and give him some food.  It's a time that I am relishing being with him, just him and me.  It is the last time that I will be breastfeeding a newborn so I am enjoying every minute.  

Two weeks, where does the time go?

Amnesia

Last Thursdsay, I was 100% certain that I could not endure another cycle, another pregnancy or another c-section.  Today, I feel different.  I feel like I could endure any pain to have another gorgeous baby like JBB or Boo2 again.  I look at Boo2 as many minutes as I can in every day, I drink in his baby scent, I memorise every line of his face, I laugh at every cute face that he pulls in his sleep - I am besotted, in love, over the moon to have him in our lives.  With each minute that I look at Boo2, the memory of the uncertainty, pain, worry and fear of the cycle, pregnancy and birth of him is wiped away, leaving only love and joy.

I get that this is nature's way of getting you to go back and have more children, to ensure the population of our species.  I am just amazed at how efficiently this phenomenon has worked with me.  It is quite funny because after the birth of JBB, the most I remembered about the pain was that the first day getting up and into the shower after the c-section was the worst but I always added in my mind 'it wasn't that bad'.  Then last week when I had to do it again, it felt way, way worse than I remembered it - I felt like I was in agony.  Today, I think back and think, it's only really one bad day, you can easily get through that (despite the fact that I am still in a good amount of pain now)!!

Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed my mind about wanting to go back, I remember enough to not want to put our lives on hold any longer.  I would love to try for a girl but it is more important for me to enjoy every day with my boys, to walk into our future as a whole family, no regrets and that is what I absolutely intend to do.  

So, whilst I can intellectually remember that it was a difficult pregnancy and birth, I have this little gorgeous reminder that I look at as much as possible every day and I think 'worth it'.

The first day of the rest of our lives.....

I have dreamed of a day where my family is complete.  In this dream, there are no cycles, there are no holidays that involve IVF or procedures.  There is no fear that our family will never been complete, there is no fear that we will never be able to get ahead financially because we are constantly paying for cycles.  Instead there are the little things.  Feeding the new baby.  Saving for a family holiday.  Considering where to move to so that we can send our boys to the best schools.  Hugs and kisses.  Baths and sitting down to dinner as a family.  Considering how to raise the best human beings possible.  Swimming lessons.  Football games.  Going to the park.  A normal life.

That day for us is tomorrow.  JourneyMan will come and pick me and Boo2 up from the hospital and we will go home to our family, we will go home to the rest of our lives.  We are the luckiest people in the world.

We will leave behind cycles and IVF and they will no longer exist in our present but our Donor Eggs Journey continues.  Our boys are from a Thai egg donor and that doesn’t change because we are finished with cycles.  This journey continues for the rest of their lives.  Every day, we consider how to ensure that they know that they are loved, that they were the most wanted kids on earth.  We prepare ourselves for the questions that the boys may ask and we keep as much information on the donor as we have so that should they want to access it or go to see her, they will be able to.

It is interesting to me that when JBB was born, people talking about who he looked like hurt me because it would never be about him looking like me.  I healed from that experience though because this time when people have been discussing Boo2 and who he looks like, I haven’t felt hurt at all, it means nothing to me – indeed, I have been the one instigating those discussions more.

So, tomorrow, we will gladly move on from our IVF and cycle based existence toward our future.  We will not forget what has gone before because it has shaped who we are today.  Our donor egg journey continues as our boys reach each stage of their lives – I am interested to see how they will respond to their story.

For me, I continue to feel that I am living in my most sought after dreams.  I am the luckiest of the lucky.  I cannot be any more grateful for everything that we have.  Thank you to all of you who have come with us on our journey, your comments have been a source of great comfort over the past few years, I appreciate each and every one of you.

I hope that you continue to share JBB and Boo2’s journey!!! 

Boo2's Arrival....

We have met our beautiful Boo2 and he is every bit as delightful as promised!!  He arrived on 2 May 2013 at 11:45am, weighing 2.7kg.  He is small but, thankfully, healthy.  Here is the story of how he arrived.

Unsurprisingly, I did not sleep well the night before the Ceasar, I got to sleep okay but I woke up at around 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep until 5:30am and that was only for an hour.  In that time, I couldn’t help but think about my Dad and how Boo2 is his first grandchild that he won’t meet.  I had a bit of a cry – I miss Dad,.

JourneyMan dropped JBB and JourneyDog off at my Mum’s place and then headed in to the hospital where we began the big wait.

I got my gown to wear and JourneyMan was in scrubs and then they took us down to the surgery area.  By this time, I was so nervous, I thought I was going to vomit.  The thought of the spinal was making me so fearful, I didn’t really worry about the actual Ceasarean but I really felt sick abou the spinal. 

Finally it was our time to go in, JourneyMan had to wait outside while I got the spinal and although I didn’t get the electric shocks down my legs (thank goodness), it still was very painful and uncomfortable.  The hardest part was keeping myself hunched over while they poked and prodded my back, I felt like it was really hard to breath.

Finally it was done (for the last time, hurrah!!) and they helped me to lie down and put up the curtain.  JourneyMan came in at this point.  It is such a scary thing that you can feel every touch but not any pain.  I could feel when they opened me up but it was not painful.  I could feel all the pushes and pulls and everything like that.  At one point I started to feel nauseous so they gave me some anti nausea medication and I felt better immediately.

After around 7 short minutes, they announced that Boo2 was just about to be born and sure enough, the next noise I heard was his crying – I started crying immediately, I was filled with absolute and utter joy. 

They took him away straight away to clean him off and clear his airway, JourneyMan went with them.  I was left alone with the doctors stitching me up.  I started to feel very sick when they took out the placenta and unfortunately had a vomit.  They gave me some more anti nausea medication and I started to feel better again. 

After awhile, I noticed that they were taking a huge amount of time with Boo2 and I couldn’t hear him – immediately, I started to panic.  I look around the room for JourneyMan and he smiled and let me know it was okay.  The pediatrician came over and said that Boo2 was born with a large skin tag on his arm and that he had tied it off and that it would drop off over the next week or so.  Other than that, he was absolutely perfectly healthy – a huge relief!!

Very quickly it was all over and we were all being wheeled to recovery.  In recovery, I was able to get the skin on skin time and it was wonderful.  I felt like we were only in recovery for a blink of an eye and then we went back to the room.

The rest of night passed with me still in the bed, I didn’t start to get the feeling back until late afternoon and then I started feeling some serious pain.

The pain was nothing compared to the complete, unadulterated joy that I felt just having our darling Boo2 with us.  It was quite a different feeling than with JBB, really mainly because with JBB I didn’t know what the hell I was doing or what to expect.  This time I feel reasonably confident that we  know how to care for a newborn.

After 9 months of worry, after 6 years of fertility treatments, after operation after operation, drugs, acupuncture, complimentary therapies coming out of our ears – our family is complete and it is amazingly beautiful.

There are no words for how happy I am, there are no words for how lucky I feel.

I am absolutely grateful that our boy is finally here – thank you everyone for your support and comments. 

Tomorrow....

So, yesterday Boo2 stopped moving much again.  I tried all the tricks to get him moving, pushing and poking, cold drinks, sugary drinks, changing position to one I know he doesn’t like but nothing.  I called the OB’s after hours number at about 9:30pm because I was getting really worried, normally at that time, he is quite active and kicking but still, nothing.

The OB (who happened to be the fill in OB that I had had the issue with previously) said to go into labour and delivery immediately to have him monitored so we called my Mum and she came over to sit in the house with JBB asleep and we drove in to the hospital. 

Once we were in, the monitoring went pretty quickly and I felt like little Boo2 had made a bit of a mockery of me as he started moving when we were there.  I was hugely relieved because previously, there had been nothing I could do to raise him.  The fill in OB said that if the monitoring went well, we could go straight home and she would inform our normal OB of what had happened in the morning.

So, this morning I got a call from the OB saying that it was time to get this kid out, even though the monitoring was fine, he was concerned that this reduction in movement was recurring.  He said he would see if he could find a time over the next day or so to get him out.  Then I got a call from his office saying that there was a space available at 3:30pm and could we get to the hospital at 1pm.

Then everything went into overdrive, I called JourneyMan and told him to get his bum home, called my Mum to see if she could take care of JBB for the day and the night.  My sister also came over to help out so I could at least get in the bath and wash my horrible hair (she also straightened it for me, bless her!).  Finally, JourneyMan and I headed off to the hospital and we waited for our room to become available.

After awhile, I got a call from my OB and he had talked to the anaesthetist and that we couldn’t go ahead with the Caesarean today because I had had a needle of Clexane last night and they needed to wait a bit longer to get it out of my system.  They did want me to stay in the hospital though so that they could monitor the baby to make sure that all is good.  So, we will meet our little man tomorrow.

So that is where I am now, at the hospital, being pregnant for my last ever night and looking forward to seeing my new little man tomorrow.  JourneyMan was here with me but had to go home to look after JBB, so he won’t be back until tomorrow morning.  My Bestie dropped in on her way home from work and spent a few hours with me and it was great to just talk, really great.

There are a lot of feelings going through me at the moment.  Relief that I will see my little man soon, grief that my Dad isn’t going to be here to see him, excitement that our family will soon be complete, fear for the Caesarean tomorrow. 

I am in awe that this brings to an end our journey through infertility.  Have we beaten it and won?  I would more consider that it is a happy truce.  Infertility kicked us hard but we fought to be parents and that is who we are today.  I am sure it is who I was born to be.  There have been many participants along our road, fertility specialists both in Australia and Thailand, nurses, patient coordinators, sonographers, obstetricians, our whole team in Thailand, our beautiful, generous donor and family and friends.  It has taken a lot of people to get to this point and there are more that will help bring Boo2 into the world tomorrow.

There are no words to thank all of these people who have helped realize this precious dream.  My heart is overwhelmed with the gratitude that I feel for each and every person who has helped us.

To my darling Boo2:

I have dreamt of you, I have felt you move, I have travelled thousands of miles to have you, I have done everything I can to ensure your safe entry into the world, you are wanted in every way possible, you are my boy and I love you already, even though I haven’t seen your face yet.  Sweetheart, I can’t wait until you are in my arms tomorrow, I won’t ever want to let you go.

Here is your song:  Credit – ‘In my Life’ The Beatles, The Red Album

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more