Just over 9 Weeks to Go!!

So, I am starting to get excited, there is only just over 9 weeks to go until I am off, once again, to Thailand.  I am definitely looking forward to it a lot more this time (than in December) because I will have my bestie there with me so it will be also a holiday as well as a cycle.

I am throwing everything I can at this cycle – and as per all of the other cycles that I have documented what I am doing, here I go again for cycle 9:

1. Still losing weight & exercising – I am booked in to do a 5km run on the 15^th of July.  Originally I wanted to do a 5km and a 10km but my knee has been a bit dodgy so I am erring on the side of caution.  My sister in law is doing the run with me – yay
2. Daily hot lemon – first thing in the morning as a stimulant for the liver and a detoxing agent
3. Daily internal bentonite clay – I know, this one is a bit out there but it is also for reducing toxicity in the body from the inside out – I feel like it works really well because it reduces headaches for me
4. Daily Supplement regime:  Magnesium, fish oil, pregnancy mulit, vitamin c, CoQ10, glucosamine, Vitex and a few more that I can’t remember right now
5. 2-3 Litres of water daily – to flush out my system
6. Skin brushing daily (yes, finally found the proper brush in the move – yay!!)
7. Twice daily Chinese herbs from my acupuncturist
8. Acupuncture once a week
9. Aromatherapy oils burning in the house when home (German chamomile, geranium, rose otto, lavender)
10. Indoor plants in the living areas of the house and air purifier in the bedroom for the breathing the best quality air
11. Yoga nightly (now that I have a nice warm room away from the hustle and bustle of the house, it is much easier!)
12. Epsom salt baths every second day
13. Castor Oil pack every second day
14. Body work (via some CD’s from ‘The Fertile Heart’) as well as some imaging work.
15. Visualisations / hypnosis and subliminals nightly

I am hoping that this all works and that this is the cycle for me.  One thing that I do know is that we have one embryo left that is exactly the same quality as JBB was so hopefully it is as tenacious as our little JBB and dig right in.

Melbourne is cold at the moment, very cold and I can’t wait for the heat and humidity of Thailand.  The warmth is very attractive!!

The official start of Cycle 9

So, I have kind of officially started cycle 9 – I am counting all fresh (7) and frozen (2) cycles in together for the sake of it and honestly, even a FET when you are going to Thailand for it feels pretty damn full on.  So, how do you ‘kind of’ start a cycle?  Well, my period was 10 days late so after an email discussion with the Thai doctor and a phone discussion with the Melbourne doctor, I started the BCP last week.  This, of course, means that I have also started the daily Clexane injections - joy. 

This is for much longer than the last few cycles and I am okay with it – after all, whatever it takes, right?

So, how do I feel now that this cycle has kind of already started?  I feel pretty good within myself.  I am doing everything in my power to lose weight and get my body right for the cycle.  I certainly feel very fit and my body definitely feels a lot stronger and fitter than I was for either of the last two failed cycles.

My mind is another matter though let me tell you that 90% of the time, I am upbeat, positive and excited about going to Thailand for the next cycle.  There is always a bit of an internal feeling of dread though.  For the most part, I am mostly focussing on the holiday aspect of going to Thailand and I am really looking forward to going in August and with my Bestie, it definitely feels more like a holiday break this time than a cycle (which was also the same as the cycle that we went and had JBB out of it!!).  

But sometimes when I turn really quickly, I can see the worm of dread coming up behind me, more like a basilisk of dread if the truth be told.  It is the fear of course.  The fear of the cycle not working again.  Of failure.  Of having to front up again and having my heart broken.  To tell all the people that are hoping along with me that it failed again, seeing the pity in their eyes.  Having to pick myself up again and get in for another go around.  Of ruining, what I hope will be a wonderful holiday with my Bestie with a failed cycle so that instead of saying ‘remember that grouse holiday that we took’ it will not be talked about because of the failure.

In some ways, I feel like most of my family and friends have kind of gotten used to it – the hope before the trip, the text messages while I am away, the return and the obligatory text message saying ‘it failed, I don’t want to talk about it’, me withdrawing from the world and then when I see everyone it’s a bit like ‘nobody mention the war’.  For me, the crushing disappointment does not change, it has been the same since the first cycle, though granted in that cycle there was a healthy dose of bewilderment and complete and utter shock at the fact that it was cancelled.  The shock of failure has lessened over time, certainly but the disappointment, the feeling of being broken, the devastation at failing everyone (especially JourneyMan and JBB) is as crippling as it was the very first cycle.

I hold steady in my belief that the 5 failed cycles that we endured before we had JBB were worth it because we had the child that was meant for us and he is wonderful.  I am sure that I will feel the same when we are hopefully successful again about the last 2 failed cycles but that, unfortunately, doesn’t make going through the failures any easier to bear.  The only thing that I can do is accept that there is going to be dread but I must not let it run my life or ruin the lead up to the trip. 

In other words, don’t look the basilisk in the eye. 

Another Step in the Journey…

When I named this blog, I predominantly hoped that the name could direct people to a  resource for anyone considering using donor eggs internationally or even just donor eggs.  The reason that I blog has always been as a catharsis and to document the journey but I really did hope that people who were in a similar situation could find information from someone who has lived it.  In my mind, I guess I thought that the ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would logically finish when we reached the finish line and had our baby.  But then when we had our darling JBB, I quickly realised that the journey would continue because we wanted him to have a sibling.  Then I kind of thought in my mind that once we had our family completed that our ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would be over.  I don’t think that is the case now.

I wrote some posts back when JBB was only a few months old.  I remember feeling uncomfortable at the time because I didn’t have any prepared answers for people enquiring about where JBB got his looks from.  I was feeling swirls of feelings that I am sure where in part being overwhelmed as a new mother (which I am sure any new mother can relate to) and being the mother of a donor egg baby and the different feelings and situations that come up as a result of that fact.

At the time, I thought that these feelings and situations were something that I needed to ‘get over’ and I would move on and continue the bliss of being JBB Mum.  More than a year later, I have realised that this Donor Eggs Journey will continue for all of our lives.  For the most part, we deal with anything that normal parents deal with:  joyful hugs, being our son’s hero’s, sleepless nights, teething, the terrible two’s and the myriad of things that are a part of any parents daily life but there are things that make our Journey special.  

We need to think of other things like how do we begin the discussion of telling JBB how he came into this world?  I have a folder of JBB’s journey that includes pictures of him as a blastocyst, pics of the donor and him, pics of the donor, information about the donor and information on how he can contact the donor.  We always need to consider the information that we give to people and what effect that it will have on JBB in the future.  JourneyMan has said that he doesn’t like to say how much JBB looks like him because I can never have that experience and he doesn’t want to rub it in to me, this is something that most Dad’s don’t have to think about.

Early on, despite being totally in love and bonded with my little cheekiness, there were times when I wondered if JBB would resent how he was brought into the world, that he would end up hating me because of the decisions that we made.  I also had some feelings that I wasn’t really JBB’s mother because he didn’t have my genetic material.  The concerns that I felt about not totally feeling like JBB’s mother have faded away entirely.  Who else is his mother if not me?  This feeling did not happen over night, there were events that have affected how I feel.  Meeting the donor again and seeing JBB with him made me realise that she is stranger to JBB, albeit a most generous, amazing one!  Of course, I also consider her a vital part of the ‘creation team’ that made JBB.  I am not particularly religious, but I think of the JourneyMan, the Donor and myself in a circle, around us are the many doctors and alternative therapists that contributed to creating JBB and surrounding us is some higher power that enable the miracle of our son.  There is no mistaking he is exactly that.  I don’t why but it used to annoy me when my Dad used to repeat that JBB is ‘a miracle’ but it did.  I think because it highlighted to me that it was easy for everyone else but we needed ‘a miracle’.  It doesn’t bother me when he says it now, I wholeheartedly agree.  There is no mistaking that this little boy is a miracle, a gift from God and I am grateful every day that he came into our lives.

A beautiful moment that I have tucked away in my mind happened a few weeks ago.  Whenever I pick JBB up from day care these days he wants to show me things.  The car that he has been playing with, the friend that he has made, the toys that he has had fun with that day, some photo’s on the wall.  A couple of weeks ago, he took me around to all of the staff members, he pointed to me and said ‘my Mummy’.  Through the tears that pricked in my eyes, I said ‘yes sweetheart, that’s right, I am your Mummy’.