Thursday, April 11, 2013
Finally some good news
Yes, the liver tests that I had come up all clear. It hasn't cleared the itching but at least I am no longer (too much!) fearful for Boo2. I am very thankful that these tests came up fine, I have relaxed a little bit again (a very small bit).
That being said. I had a breakdown on Monday. I think what caused it was plain old panic. Panic about the baby, panic that I am not going to be able to handle both kids, panic about the Ceasar. I am not really sure if this is really the truth but I was definitely in a panic because the prior week had felt like a year and that I still had 4 weeks to go and I didn't know how I was going to get through.
There was an element of emotional exhaustion here too. I have been worried about Boo2 from day 1. Certainly even prior to day 1 - here was our last chance to provide a full blood sibling for JBB and the worry that we would have to go back for a full fresh cycle with a new donor was not a prospect that we wanted to think too much about. Add on my Dad's death and grieving through the whole pregnancy, I think I am just exhausted from it all.
I was also plain afraid that my body would let me down, that I wasn't providing a safe place for Boo2 to grow and flourish. I want to see his face, I want to hold him in my arms and watch him breathe safely and assuredly, I want to know that he is safe.
I know that a lot of this was also hormones but I just couldn't stop crying. I disturbed JourneyMan many times at work and finally I got on to my sister and went over there for lunch. Just to talk about everything out loud helped. There wasn't really anything anyone could say that would help, I just needed to get the words out of me so that I could move past them.
Yesterday, JBB and I spent a lovely day at the beach with my older sister and her 3 boys, my younger sister and her son and my Mum. Just having the supportive company that they bring and seeing JBB laughing and having a ball helped wash away anxiety. I am still worried, I am still fearful but I am now, at least, not panicking so much that I am crying.
Over the past 24 hours, I have re-read quite a bit of my blog of the last days of being pregnant (I had SOOO much more energy last time!!) and the first months of JBB's life - it has been good to read that I was also fearful then and that I came through. At least I feel a little bit more confident in my parenting abilities this time.
Pregnancy wise, I think I have actually dropped, my younger sister noticed and made the comment yesterday too. I don't know if this means that Boo2 is on his way but it is another milestone (I can't actually remember this happening with JBB) and I am very glad of it.