Hard to Admit Fears....

Now that we have reached the point where there is a 90% chance that Boo2 will survive if born (and of course, these stats are getting better every day) I have started to think about actually having this baby and what comes after.  Him being the second, there are things that I know this time that I didn’t know with JBB.

I am a bit afraid of the Ceasar this time – not for the Ceasar itself but because of the spinal block.  When I had JBB and they were putting in the spinal block, I had some very painful nerve twitches that went from my back right down to my feet.  I started crying when they were putting in the spinal block and had a hard time stopping (poor JourneyMan couldn’t understand why I was sobbing as they wheeled me back in to the operating room – I had a hard time explaining because by that time, I wasn’t sobbing from the pain, I was sobbing from relief – relief that I was finally going to see my baby, relief that I had made it through).  By the time I had controlled myself, there was barely a moment until I heard my darling JBB’s voice for the first time and I lost it again, I was literally enveloped in relief and joy.  When they brought him to me and he was cleaned off in front of me, the images of those moments are burned in my mind forever.  Sometimes I am jarred when I see him each day because he is also that little baby that I see getting cleaned off in front of me.  It is not a big fear, I know I have to do it because there is no other way to meet Boo2.  It’s hard to admit though because I want to meet this little guy more than anything (not until the 7^th of May though!!) and I would rather not be fearful of that day either.

I am also a bit afraid of the recovery from the Ceasar whilst caring for a newborn and a toddler.  With JBB, I was in ignorant bliss about how hard those first months are but this time I am well aware of what is coming plus there is the additional element of caring for a very active toddler as well.  Thankfully, it looks like JourneyMan will be able to have 6 weeks off from work so that will get me past the Ceasar recovery and I am super, super thankful for that.  JourneyMan only had one day off last time because he had just started a new job so this will be such a precious, amazing time for our family.

There is some fear for JBB too, I know that this is going to be a really huge change for him and anything that upsets him is upsetting to me.  I know that he will benefit hugely throughout his life from having a sibling but I am sure that there will be some pain for him to go through once Boo2 arrives.  We are putting in as many plans that we can and the fact that JourneyMan will be there in those first weeks will be invaluable.  JBB is a really good kid though, he loves his baby cousin and I am hoping that he will love his brother even more so.

At the end of the day, I know that these fears will melt away when our darling boy comes into our lives and expands the love that we all have even further.  I know I will get through the Ceasar, I know that we will muddle through those first difficult weeks.  Sometimes you need to face a fear to get past it and move on.

Good news about Boo2 – he is growing well, my cervix is still nice and stable and I have also passed the Gestational Diabetes tests and all is going pretty well right now.  I am struggling with fatigue and a few aches and pains but people, we are less than 10 weeks to the Ceasar now and now it is becoming very real and super exciting!!

It Could Be Worse.....

There has been some talk in the IF blogosphere lately about the 'pain olympics' and it has been brought to my mind even more so because my bestie's tests were inconclusive and she now has to go through an operation so that they can remove whatever it is to make sure that it's not cancer.

I relate these two topics because many people have been saying to my bestie 'oh well, you're lucky it's not worse' or 'it could be worse' or things along those lines.  Both in the 'pain olympics' (where people compare how much pain they are in) and the 'it could be worse' comments, I feel that what people are really saying 'you don't have any right to be upset because there are people that are worse off than you'.  

This sentiment really shits me because anyone who has been in any situation that they have experienced pain should surely be able to experience that pain without having to qualify it.  I ask you, when someone has said to you 'it could be worse' when you have had a failed cycle but are 'lucky' that you have some frozen embryo's available, do you feel loved and supported?  Or in the 'pain olympics' does the fact that someone is worse off than you 'oh, she had to go through 10 cycles of IVF before being successful, you're lucky you only had to go through 6' make you feel so much better about your situation?  My guess would be NO because to my mind it is like saying to someone 'oh goodness, that person is on fire over there, lucky you might only have cancer'.  

Is it any wonder that people who experience IF or a terrible situation in their life can end up withdrawing from people or even from their own feelings because they feel that they don't have a right to feel upset, angry, worried or any of the other millions of feelings that they may be feeling.  If I had a situation like this in the future, I would like someone to say to me 'oh my gosh, that is just absolutely shitful, there is probably nothing that I can do to make you feel better right now but if you need to talk, I am always here to listen (without judgement or qualification)'. Isn't that so much nice than 'think yourself lucky, this person I know....' 

For you, Bestie - who has always listened and who I hope I always listen to.

A whole lotta stuff going on….

The last couple of weeks have been very busy indeed.  Here’s an update on what’s been going on:

Boo2

I have been to see the OB and he is not too worried.  He is so okay with my progress that he has booked in the Ceasar for 7 May – 38 weeks & 4 days which is pretty ambitious considering all of my risk factors but if that is what the Doc thinks, I am super happy and I will be ecstatic to get to the 7^th of May.  I did have another scan last week to check to see if the cervix had settled and it has – though the numbers were a little weird, I did speak to the doctor about the scan and he is very happy about it.

Boo2 has been very active these past couple of weeks.  Kicking like mad, he is still breech so most of the kicks are right down the bottom in the under regions, if you get my meaning.  With JBB he kicked quite a bit but this Boo2 seems to be a bit more active, also JBB never hurt with his kicking but I have had a few swift suck in breaths as a result of some kicks from Boo2.  I am happy every time that I feel him move, I am just so glad that he there, growing and moving.  I am very, very excited to meet this active little boy – not too soon, the 7^th of May is absolutely soon enough, little man!

The cramps seem to be a bit more under control, thank goodness.  Mostly, I have found that if they arrive and I can lie down pretty much straight away, they don’t progress to the stage where I can barely walk.  When I spoke to my doctor, the one thing that I was most worried about was that I would dismiss labour as a bad case of cramps – he has said that I must time them and if they last for a minute and are five minutes apart, to call him.  I know it sounds strange that I would ask this but I have never been in labour, I am not 100% sure that I would recognise it – I mean der!!  I have also been trying to rest with my feet up as much as humanly possible.  I have been experiencing quite a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, they don’t hurt, just something that I am aware of.

The other thing about this pregnancy is that I am absolutely huge.  I am retaining masses of fluid, the weather has been hot, hot, hot but that is summer in Australia, bloody hot.  We have been experiencing some cooler nights though just in the last week which has been nice.  In the afternoon and evening, I have absolutely burning hands and feet.  I hate to have anything on them and they have been so bad some days that I have gotten some ice bricks out of the freezer to hold in my hands to cool them and I can’t bear to have anything covering my hands and feet overnight – so I just have the doona over my middle – crazy!!  We still have a while to go of hot yet, it won’t really cool down for another month or so yet.

The other crazy thing that has been happening is that I have been having all sorts of crazy dreams – mainly of loved ones dying.  I keep waking up sobbing my eyes out.  I think I am doing a lot of working through my grief in my sleep.  I did have a dream about my Nanna and she was alive.  I talked to her and was with her for awhile but then she died again but when I woke up (crying) after the dream, even though it was still a really sad dream, I felt that my Nanna was with me and that Boo2 was being taken care of.  I haven’t been as worried since.

The Wedding

My younger sister got married on Friday night and it was the most wonderfully, beautiful night.  We had been dreaming of this day for her for a long, long time.  My Mum and I have been doing a lot of helping over the past weeks and it has been very busy but it was worth it – it was just fabulous.  The man that she has married is of Indian heritage so it was a lovely blend of Western and Hindu traditions.  We had some drama’s over the past month or so.  Originally, she had picked a dress for a garden wedding – this is because they were going to have a small, immediate family only wedding in October – they were hoping our Dad was going to be able to attend but when he died, they postponed it to a night wedding in February. She wanted to change her dress 3 weeks before the wedding day and when she originally called the bridal shop they said it was okay because they thought she was talking about next year.  By the time that we all realised the error, she was only able to pick a couple of different dresses.  Honestly, she is the only person I know who could go to a shop and all of the sample sizes fit her so thankfully, she had some options (if it was me, there would have been a snowballs chance in hell).  In the end, she got the most beautiful dress – she looked like a movie star.  

It was a lovely night but I couldn’t help but be in tears for much of it.  When my brother walked her down the aisle, I couldn’t help but think of my Dad and how much he would have wanted to be there, giving her away (my brother was amazing though).  There were beautiful tributes to Dad all night and I can’t even think about it without tears streaming down my face (as they are right now).  I am pretty sure that Dad was with us there on Friday night and I know that he would be over the moon happy for my sister.

That being said, there has been a super amount of work  that has gone into the wedding and I am glad that it is now over and I can concentrate what little energy that I have on getting ready for our little Boo2.  We were lucky enough to stay at the hotel the night of the wedding and JBB went with his Nanna after the ceremony so he could be in bed as close to his bedtime as possible.  JourneyMan and I had a lovely sleep in on Saturday morning and enjoyed breakfast with the Newlyweds (and a gang of others) before they flew out to Hawaii.  On Saturday, I slept from 10pm to 10am I was so exhausted and Sunday was a lovely family day, JourneyMan took JBB for his swimming lessons on Sunday morning and we all went to the park in the afternoon.  I am just soooo happy for my sister, she has all she has wished for in her life, a wonderful man and a gorgeous baby, it is just so amazing to see her so happy.

 

My Bestie

The other thing that has happened is that my bestie has found a lump in her breast.  I did know that she was going for the test but she didn’t tell me that they found something in January.  Her Mum has had both breasts removed because of cancer.  I am shocked, upset and worried but am trying to not look at any possibilities (except that it’s nothing) until there is something to be worried about.  This is my person, the one who has known me for the longest (apart from my family) and I just don’t want anything to happen to her.  At the moment, I am just trying to be there for her at this super scary time.  I am praying that she will get the best news possible on Thursday and all of the worry and uncertainty will be taken away from her.