Hard to Admit Fears....

Now that we have reached the point where there is a 90% chance that Boo2 will survive if born (and of course, these stats are getting better every day) I have started to think about actually having this baby and what comes after.  Him being the second, there are things that I know this time that I didn’t know with JBB.

I am a bit afraid of the Ceasar this time – not for the Ceasar itself but because of the spinal block.  When I had JBB and they were putting in the spinal block, I had some very painful nerve twitches that went from my back right down to my feet.  I started crying when they were putting in the spinal block and had a hard time stopping (poor JourneyMan couldn’t understand why I was sobbing as they wheeled me back in to the operating room – I had a hard time explaining because by that time, I wasn’t sobbing from the pain, I was sobbing from relief – relief that I was finally going to see my baby, relief that I had made it through).  By the time I had controlled myself, there was barely a moment until I heard my darling JBB’s voice for the first time and I lost it again, I was literally enveloped in relief and joy.  When they brought him to me and he was cleaned off in front of me, the images of those moments are burned in my mind forever.  Sometimes I am jarred when I see him each day because he is also that little baby that I see getting cleaned off in front of me.  It is not a big fear, I know I have to do it because there is no other way to meet Boo2.  It’s hard to admit though because I want to meet this little guy more than anything (not until the 7^th of May though!!) and I would rather not be fearful of that day either.

I am also a bit afraid of the recovery from the Ceasar whilst caring for a newborn and a toddler.  With JBB, I was in ignorant bliss about how hard those first months are but this time I am well aware of what is coming plus there is the additional element of caring for a very active toddler as well.  Thankfully, it looks like JourneyMan will be able to have 6 weeks off from work so that will get me past the Ceasar recovery and I am super, super thankful for that.  JourneyMan only had one day off last time because he had just started a new job so this will be such a precious, amazing time for our family.

There is some fear for JBB too, I know that this is going to be a really huge change for him and anything that upsets him is upsetting to me.  I know that he will benefit hugely throughout his life from having a sibling but I am sure that there will be some pain for him to go through once Boo2 arrives.  We are putting in as many plans that we can and the fact that JourneyMan will be there in those first weeks will be invaluable.  JBB is a really good kid though, he loves his baby cousin and I am hoping that he will love his brother even more so.

At the end of the day, I know that these fears will melt away when our darling boy comes into our lives and expands the love that we all have even further.  I know I will get through the Ceasar, I know that we will muddle through those first difficult weeks.  Sometimes you need to face a fear to get past it and move on.

Good news about Boo2 – he is growing well, my cervix is still nice and stable and I have also passed the Gestational Diabetes tests and all is going pretty well right now.  I am struggling with fatigue and a few aches and pains but people, we are less than 10 weeks to the Ceasar now and now it is becoming very real and super exciting!!