There has been some talk in the IF blogosphere lately about the 'pain olympics' and it has been brought to my mind even more so because my bestie's tests were inconclusive and she now has to go through an operation so that they can remove whatever it is to make sure that it's not cancer.
I relate these two topics because many people have been saying to my bestie 'oh well, you're lucky it's not worse' or 'it could be worse' or things along those lines. Both in the 'pain olympics' (where people compare how much pain they are in) and the 'it could be worse' comments, I feel that what people are really saying 'you don't have any right to be upset because there are people that are worse off than you'.
This sentiment really shits me because anyone who has been in any situation that they have experienced pain should surely be able to experience that pain without having to qualify it. I ask you, when someone has said to you 'it could be worse' when you have had a failed cycle but are 'lucky' that you have some frozen embryo's available, do you feel loved and supported? Or in the 'pain olympics' does the fact that someone is worse off than you 'oh, she had to go through 10 cycles of IVF before being successful, you're lucky you only had to go through 6' make you feel so much better about your situation? My guess would be NO because to my mind it is like saying to someone 'oh goodness, that person is on fire over there, lucky you might only have cancer'.
Is it any wonder that people who experience IF or a terrible situation in their life can end up withdrawing from people or even from their own feelings because they feel that they don't have a right to feel upset, angry, worried or any of the other millions of feelings that they may be feeling. If I had a situation like this in the future, I would like someone to say to me 'oh my gosh, that is just absolutely shitful, there is probably nothing that I can do to make you feel better right now but if you need to talk, I am always here to listen (without judgement or qualification)'. Isn't that so much nice than 'think yourself lucky, this person I know....'
For you, Bestie - who has always listened and who I hope I always listen to.
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Ugh.... I hate that expression it could be worse and all it's cousins! Sucks! Totally disallows ppl from having Thor feelings. Which sucks. Thinking good thoughts for your beastie and hoping for a clean bill of health for your bedtime;)
ReplyDeleteBestie and bestie. Not beastie and bedtime! Tho it is bedtime. Night night!
ReplyDeleteJG, I totally agree. I think telling yourself "it could be worse" in order to get some perspective is one thing, but having someone external to the situation say it is totally different. It minimises the situation and makes it seem that you should be grateful instead of sad, worried, stressed or some poetry perfectly reasonable emotion.
ReplyDeleteOther! Not poetry! Damn autocorrect.
ReplyDelete