What is going on?

I am at a loss as to what to write about at the moment, so I just thought I would start and see what happens.

Firstly, let me say that I am worried about JBB, he seems to have changed behaviour significantly since we got out of the hospital. He is having tantrums all the time and he just screams and screams if I am not with him. I have this week off work but the following two weeks I am working full time to cover for my friend who will not be at work, I feel horrible about leaving him but I have to get back to work. He also seems to be having nightmares, which is just heart breaking.

The plan is also for me to go to Thailand if we get the go ahead next week from the Melbourne fertility specialist. I will feel horrible leaving JBB but honestly, I would much prefer that JBB has the 24/7 Daddy time rather than getting farmed out to other people because JourneyMan would have to work. My period has pretty much continued lightly but steadily the whole time and now I am kind of thinking that this might be a good thing? God only knows, seriously but I will have more information next Wednesday.

I finally put the Christmas tree up today and my plans for a 'year of creating new traditions' has not really eventuated. I basically have to get all of my Christmas shopping finished off tomorrow because I will be working for the next couple of weeks. I also have a big plan for the next 2 weeks of treatments and such to get my body as ready as possible. There is a heap to do and only a little time to do it in.

Feelings wise, I am numb. After we checked out of the hospital, I heaved with sobs, mainly from relief, though I am still worried about the follow up tests that may show heart damage. I also broke down on Tuesday night when I realized that I would probably still be going to Thailand, the thought of leaving JBB sickens me. I can't talk to anyone either. I am supposed to go out to a Christmas dinner with all of my girl friends next week (it is tradition) but I don't want to talk about the failed cycle in Thailand, I don't want to talk about my sister's pregnancy, I don't want to talk about JBB being Ill and I don't want to talk about the upcoming cycle in Thailand, what does that leave? Football, nope, don't want to talk about that either.

I am very, very grateful that JBB is getting better but I feel all at sea right now. I am hoping that I will stop whinging soon and start to enjoy, Christmas, it used to be my favorite time of year.