Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I'm worried and I don't want to freak anyone out but I have found a lump in my breast. In fact, it's been there for awhile and I haven't had it checked out because I thought it was a blocked milk duct from the breast feeding. It hasn't gone away though and now I am getting worried. I have booked in to see my GP on Friday which is the soonest that I could go. I am trying not to think about it but I can't seem to forget about it.
On one hand I think 'how could this happen, I have finally found absolute happiness in my life' - I have a lovely, supportive husband who I love, I have the cutest, most special miracle child in the world and a gorgeous fluffy and woolly dog. On the other hand I think 'I have been smacked down hard by life before, what could be different now?'
To be brutally honest with you, there have been times in my past where I thought that I wouldn't be missed if I died. This was when I was drinking and completely ashamed of myself for the horrorible person I was, lying to everyone - trying to stop and not being able to. I hated myself so much that I really didn't think that I had anything to offer anyone. I don't think that anymore. I feel like I have clawed my way back and I know that there are plenty of people who would miss me. I love my life and I desperately want to see my little JBB grow up and into a man and have a family of his own.
I am sorry for being morbid but I need to get these thoughts out of me so that they are not festering around inside. I unfortunately consulted Dr Google about this and unfortunately that scared me more than alleviating any fears.