True to my word, the couch has been my best friend today (along with JourneyDog of course!) and I intend for it to be tomorrow as well, though JourneyMan and I are thinking of a movie which will be nice. I didn't go to the market again this week - the thought of the smells there was my undoing, I just couldn't face it.
I did have a big day yesterday. I went to see one of my friends for lunch who is pregnant with her second. It was lovely to see her, I hadn't seen her for quite awhile, we were supposed to catch up before we went to Thailand but then she told me that she was pregnant and I just couldn't face the stress before the trip - I did let her know why and she was very understanding. We had a good discussion about our group of friends, there are five of us that are pregnant and one friend who just had a son a week or so ago. I can't help but be thankful that our trip to Thailand was successful otherwise I don't think I would be able to leave the house all year. I have the latest due date.
I have to admit, I am trouble assimilating myself back in to the world of socialising with my friends. It is Australia day on Tuesday and a friend is having a BBQ and all of the group will be going but I don't think that I can face it just yet. I feel like I am still suffering the after effects of the slow detatchment from my life that IF caused in me. I have always been pretty shy and not particularly confident in a group but I used to like going and catching up with my friends - I used to have fun! However, the IF journey over the past few years leached more and more of my confidence from me leaving me feeling unable to cope with group situations and barely able to cope with one on ones. The situation with my sister as well has caused me to reasses my view of myself. I used to think that I was fairly wise because I had seen and been through alot emotionally in my life and that I had some good advice to impart on others - I have to think that that's not particularly true anymore. I am a bit of a doubting Thomas about myself right at this time.
I don't suppose I will ever return to who I used to be - how can I, I have had to many ups and downs since that time, I mean it is hard to forget times when I have literally howled uncontrollably after a cycle disappointment - it feels like a scar on my heart. Even the joy of being pregnant has an undercurrent of caution. I've always considered myself a fairly brave person, if I found any fear within myself, I usually tried to find a way to face up to it, this part of me seems to have eeked away somewhat.
On the other hand, the IF journey has provided me with many positives in my life. I am more grateful for the blessings in my that I have in my life than I ever have been before - each day I think about how lucky I am, how very, very lucky. I think I am extremely resourceful and resiliant - I am not afraid to fight for what I want.
I am going to take it slow I think. I will enter the world of socialising again but I will take as much time as I need. Hopefully, what will happen eventually is that I will become a new person - one comprised of the best of the pre-IF me and the new me. Hopefully I will be able to face the world again being brave like I used to be. Hopefully, this strong, confident woman will pass on this strength and confidence to her child.
Happy ICLW everyone - thanks for all the wonderful comments!
Posts
Congratulations on pregnancy and having an updated due date. Happy ICLW!
ReplyDeleteI so recognize what you're talking about. I would love to be the person I was before all this started. But maybe I'm painting a prettier picture of what I was really like. I'm sure I had fear and sadness back then too, just not as much. I'm so happy you're taking steps back to the other side and can't wait to join you :)
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW girl!
Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy, and very happy ICLW week to you too. Much love, Fran
ReplyDeleteICLW #90
As someone who has spent most of her recent non working hours on the couch, I say, hello from the couch too!!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope that you are able to integrate the old with the new and come out feeling like you are the person you truly want to be. I think I have not had it so bad but I have retreated a bit from life and become much more of a homebody - if that's possible! ((HUGS))
PS and one of our dogs, Ollie's favorite place is on the other end of our couch by my feet. Sweet:)
You may not be the same person, but the changes IF brings to all of us don't have to be negative changes. Compassion, wisdom, clarity, and the increased tolerance for waiting... all of these things that will stay with you when you get to the other side.
ReplyDeleteBlessings on you and your pregnancy!
ICLW
Don't be too hard on yourself. You've gone through some extremely difficult experiences and have come out a strong woman on the other side. And it's not just IF, every single thing we do and decision we make changes us a little. It is a natural evolution, so you shouldn't worry too much - you sound very well adjusted to me! You will find the balance that is right for you.
ReplyDeleteInfertility really does change who we are. It changes every dynamic in our lives. The important thing is that we take away the positives and the lessons, which is exactly what you have done. All of your battles make you more grateful to be pregnant than you otherwise would have been, and they will make you a more grateful and patient mother than you otherwise would have been. That is the biggest positive of all.
ReplyDeleteOver time, you will regain some of who you were, but you will never be that person again. You will find that your ability to socialize will return, and you will open up again. It will take time, but it will happen. You will come out a better, stronger, happier person.
With all of the good things that come out of IF, sometimes it seems like it was actually a bit of a blessing. The hardest things in life are the things that make us stronger.
IF does leave a big scar. I feel like I'll never be the same. Sorry to hear you've been so sick but congrats on the PG!
ReplyDeleteR.J.
ICLW