Amnesia

Last Thursdsay, I was 100% certain that I could not endure another cycle, another pregnancy or another c-section.  Today, I feel different.  I feel like I could endure any pain to have another gorgeous baby like JBB or Boo2 again.  I look at Boo2 as many minutes as I can in every day, I drink in his baby scent, I memorise every line of his face, I laugh at every cute face that he pulls in his sleep - I am besotted, in love, over the moon to have him in our lives.  With each minute that I look at Boo2, the memory of the uncertainty, pain, worry and fear of the cycle, pregnancy and birth of him is wiped away, leaving only love and joy.

I get that this is nature's way of getting you to go back and have more children, to ensure the population of our species.  I am just amazed at how efficiently this phenomenon has worked with me.  It is quite funny because after the birth of JBB, the most I remembered about the pain was that the first day getting up and into the shower after the c-section was the worst but I always added in my mind 'it wasn't that bad'.  Then last week when I had to do it again, it felt way, way worse than I remembered it - I felt like I was in agony.  Today, I think back and think, it's only really one bad day, you can easily get through that (despite the fact that I am still in a good amount of pain now)!!

Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed my mind about wanting to go back, I remember enough to not want to put our lives on hold any longer.  I would love to try for a girl but it is more important for me to enjoy every day with my boys, to walk into our future as a whole family, no regrets and that is what I absolutely intend to do.  

So, whilst I can intellectually remember that it was a difficult pregnancy and birth, I have this little gorgeous reminder that I look at as much as possible every day and I think 'worth it'.

The first day of the rest of our lives.....

I have dreamed of a day where my family is complete.  In this dream, there are no cycles, there are no holidays that involve IVF or procedures.  There is no fear that our family will never been complete, there is no fear that we will never be able to get ahead financially because we are constantly paying for cycles.  Instead there are the little things.  Feeding the new baby.  Saving for a family holiday.  Considering where to move to so that we can send our boys to the best schools.  Hugs and kisses.  Baths and sitting down to dinner as a family.  Considering how to raise the best human beings possible.  Swimming lessons.  Football games.  Going to the park.  A normal life.

That day for us is tomorrow.  JourneyMan will come and pick me and Boo2 up from the hospital and we will go home to our family, we will go home to the rest of our lives.  We are the luckiest people in the world.

We will leave behind cycles and IVF and they will no longer exist in our present but our Donor Eggs Journey continues.  Our boys are from a Thai egg donor and that doesn’t change because we are finished with cycles.  This journey continues for the rest of their lives.  Every day, we consider how to ensure that they know that they are loved, that they were the most wanted kids on earth.  We prepare ourselves for the questions that the boys may ask and we keep as much information on the donor as we have so that should they want to access it or go to see her, they will be able to.

It is interesting to me that when JBB was born, people talking about who he looked like hurt me because it would never be about him looking like me.  I healed from that experience though because this time when people have been discussing Boo2 and who he looks like, I haven’t felt hurt at all, it means nothing to me – indeed, I have been the one instigating those discussions more.

So, tomorrow, we will gladly move on from our IVF and cycle based existence toward our future.  We will not forget what has gone before because it has shaped who we are today.  Our donor egg journey continues as our boys reach each stage of their lives – I am interested to see how they will respond to their story.

For me, I continue to feel that I am living in my most sought after dreams.  I am the luckiest of the lucky.  I cannot be any more grateful for everything that we have.  Thank you to all of you who have come with us on our journey, your comments have been a source of great comfort over the past few years, I appreciate each and every one of you.

I hope that you continue to share JBB and Boo2’s journey!!! 

Boo2's Arrival....

We have met our beautiful Boo2 and he is every bit as delightful as promised!!  He arrived on 2 May 2013 at 11:45am, weighing 2.7kg.  He is small but, thankfully, healthy.  Here is the story of how he arrived.

Unsurprisingly, I did not sleep well the night before the Ceasar, I got to sleep okay but I woke up at around 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep until 5:30am and that was only for an hour.  In that time, I couldn’t help but think about my Dad and how Boo2 is his first grandchild that he won’t meet.  I had a bit of a cry – I miss Dad,.

JourneyMan dropped JBB and JourneyDog off at my Mum’s place and then headed in to the hospital where we began the big wait.

I got my gown to wear and JourneyMan was in scrubs and then they took us down to the surgery area.  By this time, I was so nervous, I thought I was going to vomit.  The thought of the spinal was making me so fearful, I didn’t really worry about the actual Ceasarean but I really felt sick abou the spinal. 

Finally it was our time to go in, JourneyMan had to wait outside while I got the spinal and although I didn’t get the electric shocks down my legs (thank goodness), it still was very painful and uncomfortable.  The hardest part was keeping myself hunched over while they poked and prodded my back, I felt like it was really hard to breath.

Finally it was done (for the last time, hurrah!!) and they helped me to lie down and put up the curtain.  JourneyMan came in at this point.  It is such a scary thing that you can feel every touch but not any pain.  I could feel when they opened me up but it was not painful.  I could feel all the pushes and pulls and everything like that.  At one point I started to feel nauseous so they gave me some anti nausea medication and I felt better immediately.

After around 7 short minutes, they announced that Boo2 was just about to be born and sure enough, the next noise I heard was his crying – I started crying immediately, I was filled with absolute and utter joy. 

They took him away straight away to clean him off and clear his airway, JourneyMan went with them.  I was left alone with the doctors stitching me up.  I started to feel very sick when they took out the placenta and unfortunately had a vomit.  They gave me some more anti nausea medication and I started to feel better again. 

After awhile, I noticed that they were taking a huge amount of time with Boo2 and I couldn’t hear him – immediately, I started to panic.  I look around the room for JourneyMan and he smiled and let me know it was okay.  The pediatrician came over and said that Boo2 was born with a large skin tag on his arm and that he had tied it off and that it would drop off over the next week or so.  Other than that, he was absolutely perfectly healthy – a huge relief!!

Very quickly it was all over and we were all being wheeled to recovery.  In recovery, I was able to get the skin on skin time and it was wonderful.  I felt like we were only in recovery for a blink of an eye and then we went back to the room.

The rest of night passed with me still in the bed, I didn’t start to get the feeling back until late afternoon and then I started feeling some serious pain.

The pain was nothing compared to the complete, unadulterated joy that I felt just having our darling Boo2 with us.  It was quite a different feeling than with JBB, really mainly because with JBB I didn’t know what the hell I was doing or what to expect.  This time I feel reasonably confident that we  know how to care for a newborn.

After 9 months of worry, after 6 years of fertility treatments, after operation after operation, drugs, acupuncture, complimentary therapies coming out of our ears – our family is complete and it is amazingly beautiful.

There are no words for how happy I am, there are no words for how lucky I feel.

I am absolutely grateful that our boy is finally here – thank you everyone for your support and comments. 

Tomorrow....

So, yesterday Boo2 stopped moving much again.  I tried all the tricks to get him moving, pushing and poking, cold drinks, sugary drinks, changing position to one I know he doesn’t like but nothing.  I called the OB’s after hours number at about 9:30pm because I was getting really worried, normally at that time, he is quite active and kicking but still, nothing.

The OB (who happened to be the fill in OB that I had had the issue with previously) said to go into labour and delivery immediately to have him monitored so we called my Mum and she came over to sit in the house with JBB asleep and we drove in to the hospital. 

Once we were in, the monitoring went pretty quickly and I felt like little Boo2 had made a bit of a mockery of me as he started moving when we were there.  I was hugely relieved because previously, there had been nothing I could do to raise him.  The fill in OB said that if the monitoring went well, we could go straight home and she would inform our normal OB of what had happened in the morning.

So, this morning I got a call from the OB saying that it was time to get this kid out, even though the monitoring was fine, he was concerned that this reduction in movement was recurring.  He said he would see if he could find a time over the next day or so to get him out.  Then I got a call from his office saying that there was a space available at 3:30pm and could we get to the hospital at 1pm.

Then everything went into overdrive, I called JourneyMan and told him to get his bum home, called my Mum to see if she could take care of JBB for the day and the night.  My sister also came over to help out so I could at least get in the bath and wash my horrible hair (she also straightened it for me, bless her!).  Finally, JourneyMan and I headed off to the hospital and we waited for our room to become available.

After awhile, I got a call from my OB and he had talked to the anaesthetist and that we couldn’t go ahead with the Caesarean today because I had had a needle of Clexane last night and they needed to wait a bit longer to get it out of my system.  They did want me to stay in the hospital though so that they could monitor the baby to make sure that all is good.  So, we will meet our little man tomorrow.

So that is where I am now, at the hospital, being pregnant for my last ever night and looking forward to seeing my new little man tomorrow.  JourneyMan was here with me but had to go home to look after JBB, so he won’t be back until tomorrow morning.  My Bestie dropped in on her way home from work and spent a few hours with me and it was great to just talk, really great.

There are a lot of feelings going through me at the moment.  Relief that I will see my little man soon, grief that my Dad isn’t going to be here to see him, excitement that our family will soon be complete, fear for the Caesarean tomorrow. 

I am in awe that this brings to an end our journey through infertility.  Have we beaten it and won?  I would more consider that it is a happy truce.  Infertility kicked us hard but we fought to be parents and that is who we are today.  I am sure it is who I was born to be.  There have been many participants along our road, fertility specialists both in Australia and Thailand, nurses, patient coordinators, sonographers, obstetricians, our whole team in Thailand, our beautiful, generous donor and family and friends.  It has taken a lot of people to get to this point and there are more that will help bring Boo2 into the world tomorrow.

There are no words to thank all of these people who have helped realize this precious dream.  My heart is overwhelmed with the gratitude that I feel for each and every person who has helped us.

To my darling Boo2:

I have dreamt of you, I have felt you move, I have travelled thousands of miles to have you, I have done everything I can to ensure your safe entry into the world, you are wanted in every way possible, you are my boy and I love you already, even though I haven’t seen your face yet.  Sweetheart, I can’t wait until you are in my arms tomorrow, I won’t ever want to let you go.

Here is your song:  Credit – ‘In my Life’ The Beatles, The Red Album

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

8 more sleeps till we meet our little man!

I am in serious countdown mode now.  I finally woke up this morning and was able to say 'next week, we will meet our boy' - that felt super good!  The weekend was good, we have done a good cleaning on the house so I am just hoping to keep everything maintained until next week when we go to the hospital.

On the subject of Boo2, he has been moving much, much more these past few days, I have been really relieved. The doctor said to go in and be monitored yesterday if I still felt he was not moving as much but since he has been doing really well, I didn't bother with it.  I have my last appointment with the OB on Thursday so I am hoping that little Boo2 keeps up the movement.  I am still feeling very uncomfortable, of course and I know that the only cure will be to give birth to our beautiful little man.  I am just so excited to meet him!!  

Today, my two sisters and Mum came over and helped me out with a marathon cook up.  We cooked the following dishes:

• Cauliflower & bacon soup
• Chicken & veggie soup
• Beef & veggie soup
• Chorizo & lentil soup
• Porcupine balls (old family recipe of rice & meatballs)
• Chicken & sweet potato casserole
• Lamb & rosemary stew
• Beef & red wine casserole
• Chicken satay & rice

It was a pretty fun day.  So much nicer cooking in a community than slugging it out on your own.  It was nice sitting and chopping and cooking and chatting.  I made sure that we had some yummy lunch and all of the food has now been cooked, portioned out, labelled and put in the freezer ready for us to grab in those first hectic weeks of bringing home a newborn.  They were all so awesome, everything has been cleaned and put away and the house is spic and span again, nice!  I am absolutely exhausted now though, I can barely get off the couch my back is so sore, we started at 9am this morning and finished at about 5pm - it was a very full day.

I am super thankful that my mother in law is coming around tomorrow to visit with JBB and myself.  She is a wonderful woman.  She helps out with anything around the house, takes JBB to the park to run his energy off and then I make us a nice lunch so we can have some food and a natter.  She is lovely because she understands that once JBB goes for a nap, I will also want to head off for a bit of an afternoon sleep.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful support, it is a community that I sincerely appreciate and I like to nurture it wherever I can.   My Mum and JourneyMan's Mum are not particularly computer savvy so I like to volunteer to help them research or book anything that they need to online.  I try to volunteer to help out as much as possible, they help me out so much and I can honestly say that it is a massive joy to give so much help.

My Mum is going to Thailand in 6 weeks for a holiday with my Aunty (Dad's sister) - I am SOOOOO excited for them, they both deserve a lovely break, it has been a tough past 12 months for both of them. I have to say, I am a bit jealous because I love Thailand, I feel like it is my second home these days and I would love to be going with them and shopping up a storm but I will be happily mired in getting to know my newest little man when they go!!

This time next week people, it will be the night before the Ceasarean!!!  Whoo too - am SOOOOO excited.

37 Weeks and Counting Down - 11 Days to go

I am definitely on the countdown now - I am really ready to meet our little guy now.  It's been a pretty uncomfortable week.  Lots of cramping, back pain and stabbers in the lady bits, ouch! I feel like I am blown up like a balloon with all the fluid as well.  Boo2's room is ready for him, the hospital is essentially packed and I am preparing for a big cook up next week.  So we are all ready!!

I had my 37 week appointment today with the OB.  I had noticed that Boo2's movements had reduced over the last few days so I had another monitor, thankfully that was all good.  If he is still not moving much over the weekend, I am to go back in to be monitored again on Sunday.  I think that he is just not moving as much because he is a bit squashed now.  His heart rate was excellent!!  Looks like we are going to make it to the Ceasarean date of 7 May - so the countdown is well and truly on.  Only 11 more days to go.  I hope that they go fast!!

In the very best of news, they have changed the policy of the hospital so that JourneyMan and Boo2 will be able to come to recovery with me.  Last time with JBB, I had about half an hour of cuddle time with JBB while they cleaned him off and sewed me up and then JourneyMan and JBB went back to the room (and got JBB weighed etc) and I was in recovery, I think for about 40mins to an hour.  This news has really made my day - now I will be with my boys while I recover.  I can have some skin to skin time all of that time in recovery as well as to try to breastfeed straight away.  Big Yay! My Mum will be bringing JBB in to see Boo2 asap so he will meet him as soon as we are allowed to go back to the room. 

Tomorrow, I am heading to the market to get all the food needed for our cook up.  I am going to fill the freezer up with healthy lunches and dinners and snacks so that we will have a few weeks of food when I get home from the hospital without too much hassle.  We did the same before JBB was born and it was great to have healthy food only a defrost away. My bestie is coming over for a visit on Saturday arvo so that will be nice to see her. 

Sunday is going to be a nice rest day though I daresay a bit of cleaning will need to be done, I at least need to defrost the freezers so that there is room for the food from the cook up.  My sisters and Mum are coming over on Monday to help out with the cook up which is brilliant news!!  With 4 of us, we should be able to get it done pretty quickly.  Tuesday, JourneyMan's Mum comes over to spend a few hours with us (and she takes JBB to the park to run the energy out of him!!).  Wednesday, I think I will get to the shops for a few last minute items and then Thursday I am back to the OB.  

11 more days.......

36 Weeks and breathing normally (for the most part)!

So, I have made it to 36 weeks - honestly, I am so happy to have gotten to this point and was so doubtful at times in the pregnancy that I would even get here.  The panic and doubt continued last week, I started to get some greenish discharge and called the fill in OB to see if it was anything to worry about.  I get a bit worried if I see green down there because I only have one kidney and infections are a huge deal to me.  The fill in OB said that I could come in for a swab last Friday to see her or I could wait and see my regular Doc on Monday.   I asked her if it was urgent and she said 'well the baby is still in there so not very urgent'.  This upset me greatly - I feel like she thought I was being hysterical when I felt that caution was needed because of my history.

Needless to say, I chose to wait to see my normal OB on Monday and, as usual, he was fabulous.  I told him of all of my concerns and he was extremely comforting.  He sent me off to get the tests redone to make 100% sure that all was good.  I also had to have a urine test to check for UTI's and then I was also sent to be monitored (baby heartbeat and any contractions) for around 40 mins.  Everything came back all good so I have breathed a  huge sigh of relief.  I don't think that I will fully relax until I am holding him in my arms but at least I am not in full panic mode like I was for the past couple of weeks.

So now I feel like I am enjoying these last weeks.  I am still in a lot of pain from sciatica and being so heavy but the extra time that I am able to spend just with me and JBB is absolutely priceless.  He is at such a funny age, he cracks me up with his faces and jokes - he loves to make me laugh!!  His speech has really improved over the last couple of months and he is going really, really well.  We do have days of power struggles though, he is after all, 2 and is trying to assert his authority.  He likes choice this kid and some of the struggles are about the most minuscule things!!  The weather has turned cold but he always wants to only wear a t-shirt when he gets out of bed (then whinges about being cold).  I have found that if I give him the choice between two jumpers, he will consent to wearing one.  For breakfast, I always have to give two choices (peanut butter or vegemite on your toast? Weet Bix or porridge?) which seems to cut out most of the tantrums though he now likes to negotiate 'yoghurt first, then toast', which cracks me up.

It is surreal that in just 3 short weeks, we will be a family of 5 (including JourneyDog of course) and that our lives will once again change forever.  I am so excited to meet our little man and to see what he is going to be like.  

Exciting times - only 19 days to go!!