Struggling

Last night, I couldn't stop crying. Dad had the appointment (my Mum and Aunty went along) with the doctor yesterday and my sister and I went to see how they were going. My Aunty did a wonderful job of capturing all of the information from the doctor and she sent and email to all of us detailing what had happened. I have read it a few times but the part that leapt out at me was that 'with treatment he could have 2+ years and without it, probably around 12 months'. To see it in black and white - it was like a vice was put around my heart and some nasty bastard started winding it in. I started crying and unfortunately set off my sister and mum. We had a group hug and sobbed for a while.

Dad's not going that great. He had an accident and my Mum told me later that he said to her 'I'm going to have to go to a home, aren't I?'. My Mum burst out crying as she told me and seriously, that vice just got wound in tighter and tighter. I dread what is going to happen in the coming months. I dread it for my Dad, I dread it for my Mum - I dread it for all of us.

My younger sister is struggling and it is breaking my heart because, after years and years of trying to find the right man, it looks like he has finally shown up and I know that my sister can't help but wonder if Dad will be around to walk her down the aisle.

I don't mean to be a 'poor me' as I know that many of you have been through similar and even more horrendous situations - I am merely trying to express my feelings in a constructive way.

I'm trying to stay positive but also face the situation head-on but I am struggling.

Massive amounts of information....

Thank you to all of you for your very kind comments and best wishes, I really appreciate it.

My Dad definitely has lung cancer though we don't know what the treatment is going to be. I am worried about my Mum, she is taking it very hard (understandable) and is having trouble keeping myself, my two sisters and brother up to date on what's going on. I have told her that I will do the communicating for her so that she only has to remember to speak to me and I will keep the others informed. We have had a small piece of good news and that is that it is not anywhere else in his body. This week, he goes in to see the oncologist on Wednesday morning and on Wednesday arvo he is being operated on for a hernia (he is having a bad run). We will know more then. It is in my mind every moment of every day. I was talking to him on the phone today and he didn't sound great.

I'm having trouble sleeping because of the information going around in my head. I hope that he is not in pain, it is my overriding thought. The most painful thought is that my darling, sweet boy will most likely not remember him. This is always followed by the fact that Dad is so different from the man we grew up with that JourneyMan didn't even know that guy. It has been hard over the past few years because as pieces of Dad were taken away by the hydrocephallus, it became harder and harder to grieve. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of my old Dad and I started to think that it was harder to see that because I would grieve all over again. Now, everyday I wish for another one, or ten, or a hundred or a thousand.

There was a lovely moment on Friday. I was out to lunch with Mum, Dad, my Auntie and of course JBB. Dad was playing with JBB and put his finger in his mouth and said 'he has a tooth' - I said 'oh really' and felt for myself and sure enough, his little tooth had finally broken through (we had a very bad bout of diarrhea and nappy rash last week). Dad was absolutely stoked that he was the one to find it - I loved it too!! My Auntie took the most beautiful photo of Dad holding JBB, I have looked at it many times over the weekend.

In other news, we have booked in for our next cycle with the same donor that we used for JBB. We leave for Thailand on the 4th of October (I have added a countdown to the blog!!). I told Dad about it the other day, he was really excited for us and kept on saying to JBB - 'you might be getting a new brother or sister soon!', it was lovely. I have had a talk to JourneyMan and Mum about the trip to Thailand and we have all agreed that we have to go ahead with it - the opportunity to use the same donor is only available to us this year and so we really feel that we must take this opportunity while it is offered to us. We are booked in with the clinic and we have also booked our flights. I feel a bit weird about booking our trip and doing all of the research about it when I have Dad to worry about but by the same token, it is a distraction. I know 100% that Dad wants us to do this anyway.

I finally had the mammogram last Wednesday but won't get the results unitl Tuesday. I am hoping it will all be okay. The ultrasound woman seemed to think that it was just a fatty cyst so I am choosing to believe that that is what it is - especially since I get a few of those.

We are also preparing this week to go away for Easter. We are going to country Victoria to watch the Stawell Gift which is Australia's most famous (and I believe richest) foot race. The carnival runs over the whole of the Easter weekend and it is a really nice time. I have started writing a list of massive amounts of stuff that we will have to take with us, I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days.

The final news is about JBB. Gosh this little tyke is growing up quick, he keeps growing out of all of his clothes and this week has been a huge week of progress. He has taken a few crawling steps, he has started standing holding on to things, he got a tooth and he is, as always, the light of our lives. I took him to see JourneyMan play footy (Australian Rules Football) at our local club today and we had a great time!!

Well it is time for me to sign off. I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's blogs, I hope you are all going well.

I'm devastated..

My Mum called me the other night at 9:30pm and said that she was coming over to have a cup of tea. Immediately I was on my guard because she never comes over that late. The news was worse than I first thought. They have found a tumor in my Dad's lungs, it is the size of my fist.

I have been in shock since, I am also in shock, angry and bitter.

I am angry because last year, my Dad had pnuemonia and was in hospital where they took an x-ray of his lungs. The Oncologist looked at that x-ray compared with the one that he had during the week and was angry because the tumor was clearly visible 12 months ago. We have not had an official diagnosis as yet but we have pretty much been told that it is lung cancer. We have also heard that they probably won't be able to operate as it is too close to his heart.

The bitterness comes from the fact that my Dad was always the fittest Dad going around, he ran 9 marathons for crying out loud and whilst he smoked in his younger years, he hadn't since he was in his twenties. He has gone downhill in the last 5 years because of the hydracephallus and dementia but honestly, this is too much to bloody well take.

We won't get the official diagnosis and treatment plan until after Easter but I swing between great hope that he will be able to fight it but maybe I still can only see my fit, strong Dad from my childhood. I can't even write the negative thought, I just can't, it hurts too much.

I am reeling and I feel absolutely sick inside. I can't write anymore - I am too upset. It has been a frightfully hard few days and I don't think it is going to get easier any time soon.

The things people say...

I am still burning about a comment that one of the girls made to me when I picked up JBB from day care the other day. I had had a horrible day. I am still trying to find the best way to drive to and from work and the traffic on the way home was diabolical so I was late. Unfortunately, JBB was at the day care from 7am until 6:05pm. My nerves were frayed from the drive home knowing that I was eating in to my play time with JBB, with every passing minute I became more and more resentful of the time away from my darling boy. When I finally got there and saw him, my heart sang - the relief was amazing. It was short lived though, sadly - the girl said 'oh, here is the mother of the long lost baby'.

She might as well have punched me in the face, I was so shocked. Since then, I have run the gamut of emotions. Outrage that she could make such a judgement. Guilt that my little boy, the one that I went to hell and back to have, spent so long in day care, without me there to comfort and take care of him. Disappointment that my choices are so limited that if I want another baby, I have had to go back to work so soon. Anger at myself that some random woman's words could have such a profound effect on me.

I am hanging on a knife edge at the moment. I feel like if one small thing happens, I over-react hugely. I am really trying to hold it together as best as I possibly can. One agreement that I have made to myself is to make every moment with JBB count - no matter if it is when he is up in the middle of the night or he is giving me a cheeky smile when I get home, the time I have with him is precious.