Blog Reboot - with a little story

So I have been a terrible blogger, blah blah blah. I am very sorry but I miss it and there is SOOOO much to tell but I am going to start slow and see where it takes me.  I hope that there are some of you out there living your wonderful lives going well - I think of you often.

This blog has always been about kids from donor eggs, of which I have two amazingly, gorgeous boys who I say a prayer of thanks for every. single. night.

So, this is a story about JBB, who is now 5 - what the heck!!  Yes, 5!!  I am quite amazed by the ridiculously swift passage of time.

We have always been honest with the boys about where they have come from.  We have many age appropriate books that explain the donor eggs story and we tell them all the time about their own particular story.  The back story to this little story is that our youngest (aged 2 - again, what the heck!) is allergic to eggs and anaphylactic to peanuts.

So, without much further ado - I will give you my little story - and I do mean little but it still touches my heart.

We have been in our 'forever' house for almost 2 years now and I love it as much today as I did when I first walked through the door.  There were some crazy lights in here though - very heavy gothic looking things that was ridiculous with the low ceilings of the house.  Plus in our family, there were pool table lights that JourneyMan and I were constantly bumping our head on.  After saving up our pennies, we got an electrician in (let's call him Sparky - I know, right - my creativity has only increased since I haven't been blogging) - this is an electrician that we have used before at our old house when we renovated, a lovely guy - he does work for the whole family.

When Sparky came to do all the lights, JBB was enthralled - he followed him around the whole house asking him questions, I also was talking to him a lot because he is a really nice guy and we had a little catch up.  At one point, JBB said to me 'it is my turn to talk to Sparky now, you go into the other room'.  I raised my eyebrows at Sparky and he gave me an amused look and I walked into the kitchen where I could still see and hear them.  Here is how the conversation went:

JBB 'that's my Mum and Dad in the picture at their wedding'

Sparky 'Oh really, you wouldn't have even been born yet'

JBB 'no, we were waiting in Thailand for Mum and Dad to come and get us'

Sparky 'Is that right?'

JBB 'yes, Mummy had a broken bit and had donor eggs, Boo2 is allergic to eggs' 

Sparky 'Really, that's…..'

It was at this point I came back into the conversation - Sparky was amazingly interested and told me that his sister had used donor eggs as well and then we were off and racing.  JBB listened intently and then moseyed off to find something more interesting to do.

It still makes me laugh because he so matter of factly told Sparky his story, which I absolutely adore - and then had to add that Boo2 is allergic to eggs, oh bless him - I love how his mind works

Anyway - that's me out.  Hopefully this will be the start of something more regular!!

Sickening

I am sure that many of you (certainly if you are in Australia) have heard what has happened to 'Gammy'.  For those that don't - Gammy was born to a Thai surrogate, using Australian eggs and sperm to create the embryo.  Four months into the pregnancy it was discovered that the boy twin had down's syndrome.  The Australian couple asked the surrogate to abort the child but she refused on religious grounds.  The Australian couple took the healthy girl but left the little down's syndrome boy, Gammy, with the Thai surrogate who is looking after him.  It hit the news media last week what had happened because Gammy is sick with a lung infection and is in desperate need of heart surgery.  In response, the Thai government has basically locked down all surrogacy for internationals - leaving in limbo many couples that have a surrogate baby in progress.  A charity campaign was also set up and at latest count, they have raised AU$210K for Gammy.

There is not much about this story that doesn't make me sick.  For one, I don't know how any parent could leave their own baby - full stop.  However, to leave their own critically ill child to a woman who is very poor and cannot afford to medically or financially support the child is beyond belief.  We have some of the best medical care in Australia and yet your leave your biological child in an extremely poor country with a woman who has no responsibility to care for your child (there are some that suggest that the surrogate assumed responsibility when she refused the abortion but at the end of the day, isn't this still your biological child?).

I have a hard time understanding how it is okay to leave a down's syndrome baby and take the healthy twin with you - how do you justify this in your mind?  Also, how short sighted is this?  Didn't they realise that it would mean that they are lying to their child for their whole life, that they will be afraid constantly of the child finding out, that they have deprived their daughter of a sibling, that they have deprived themselves of another child?  Many people have commented that this situation is just the same as the 95% (not verified) of down's syndrome babies that are aborted in Australia but I find both situations an anathema to me.  We did have the blood tests for down's syndrome for both babies (at the request of our OB and not us) but we had already agreed that we wouldn't abort the baby - they were our babies, full stop.

There is an element of selfishness here that is abhorrent.  Basically, they have put their own needs ahead of their daughters.  Anyone who has seen siblings together know how precious the bond is, I can't comment on twins because I don't have them but I imagine this bond is much, much greater.  Will this child grow up feeling like something is missing?  Will she find out and how will she feel towards her parents?  These questions are haunting to me.  I am haunted about the questions that my boys may have for us one day too.

Unfortunately, some of the comments that these articles have been getting have been disturbing to me and made me assess our own situation again.  There were the usual 'this just goes to show that if you can't have kids, it is meant to be' - discounting the many, many, many biological kids that are abused by their parents but whatever.  I also know that I was meant to be a mother - since having JBB, I have felt at peace with who I am and what I mean to them.  Many people have been very harsh on the Australian couple for taking advantage of the Thai surrogate and it has made me think - did we take advantage of a poorer woman for our own gain?  I hope not.  She had told us originally that the first cycle would paid for her university education and the second cycle helped her with a deposit for a house.  I hope that this is true but I cannot put a price on what she gave us - it is priceless.  I still remember her walking towards me in the clinic, I had wondered previously whether I remembered what she looked like but when I saw her, she looked like JBB and she walked into my arms and we both cried.  I cried with gratitude for the enormous gift that she had given us - I thank her in my mind every day.  

In a post I wrote a couple of months before we went to Thailand for the first cycle - I wrote:

"I didn’t bring up the donor eggs in Thailand proposition with JourneyMan until after our fifth failed IVF cycle because I didn’t think that he would be willing to consider this option. He totally surprised me and was supportive right from the word go. I found a ex-pat Aussie woman who had had the procedure done and went back and forth with her about all of my questions. I have asked myself many times why I would rather go to Thailand and pay for the donor cycle rather than advertise in Australia. I am strangely comforted by the fact that it is a business transaction (but also disturbed that this comforts me). When thinking of my sister-in-law being the donor, my thoughts went to a situation where one of her children needed a kidney transplant and because my child would be a match, they would have to do it because ‘they owed’ my sister-in-law’s child. Very complicated. I know that there are complications this way as the child will have little opportunity to find anything out about their biological mother, morally – I feel it is in a strange zone but if the Thai woman is willing to donate her eggs, then I am willing to give her money for it. I once asked JourneyMan what he thought about the moral issues of us paying to use someone else’s egg and he said ‘the child is going to be completely loved – isn’t that the most important thing?’ – I say YES!"

A pretty simplistic view in hindsight and I guess that you could say that we took advantage of the Thai donor.  I hope that we haven't.  I hope that she is living a wonderful life because we helped provide that opportunity for her.  I hope that she thinks well of us and does not resent us.  I take some comfort in the fact that she came back for a second cycle - she knew what she was getting herself into that time and she still came back, surely you wouldn't if you had a terrible experience.

The Australian government has some culpability here.  Why is there not commercial surrogacy in Australia?  Why is there not commerical donor egg agreements in this country?  Then there could be proper regulatory requirements to protect the donor, the surrogate, the parents and most especially, the children.

The piece of hope that I have gained from this story is that people have been so generous.  The target for Gammy was originally $50K but they have exceeded that 4 times over.  Gammy is now in a private clinic in Bangkok hopefully getting the best medical care possible.  I would adopt Gammy in a heartbeat, as so many others have stated but I know that even though Gammy's mum is not hers biologically, she loves her son with all her heart.  I know this, because I am in exactly the same situation. I couldn't love my boys any more, end of the story - they are my life, my light, my reason for every day.

Assumptions...

I am member of a private Facebook community of women who are going through IF technologies, are pregnant via IF or are parenting post IF.  For the most part, it is great to be a part of this community as it is very supportive of everyone but sometimes things happen that disturb me.

An incident happened yesterday though that made me really sad.  A girl posed the question ‘if I am a donor egg mother, will I be less of a mother?’  As you can imagine, she got a lot of responses to this question - some were good and some not so good.  Some people said things like ‘if you are having doubts, you need to work through it before continuing’ or ‘maybe you need some counselling to work through your issues’.  Someone said ‘if you are feeling ashamed, you will pass that feeling on to your child’.  I wasn’t really upset by the responses personally because all these questions told me was that these people haven’t actually be in this position before because there is no way in hell you would respond in that way if you had.

To me, the only answer to this question was a flat out ‘no’ (my actual response was ‘no way, no day’).  No, you will not be any less of a mother.  No, you will not love your child any less.  No, you will not treat this child any differently.  No.  No.  No.  Unfortunately very few people answered that question directly and tried to assume what was behind the question.  Doubts, shame, issues. 

How many times do all of us do that – answer the assumption behind the question rather than the question itself?  I was the only actual donor egg mother who responded but by the time I did, she had gotten extremely upset, thought that she was upsetting others and  removed herself from the group and blocked everyone.  I was really sad because I think she just needed to hear ‘no, you will not be any less of a mother’.

I wish I had of gotten in on the conversation earlier because I could have told her that I had my doubts before doing donor eggs but they were wiped away when the cutest, smartest, most loving child came into my life (**there is a chance that I am a little biased on this subject).  I would have also pointed out that surely it’s impossible to have doubts when you are going into something so unknown?  I would have told her that when I was up night and day for days on end when JBB had Kawasaki disease, I didn’t think I was a ‘donor egg mother’, I was just ‘mother’ – no more, no less.  Indeed, JBB tells everyone he meets that I am ‘mummy’.  I would tell her that I feel no shame that I couldn’t use my own eggs to have children, I only feel great pride that I was brave enough to walk this path, that I was an integral part in bringing this wonderful miracle into the world.

I also wish that people could have just answered the question that was asked and not assumed the motivation behind it.  I feel very sad that this woman came to us for support and we failed her.

Decision made!!

Well, after much thinking and debate, we have decided to go to Thailand again for baby number 2 in September - yay, I am very, very excited!! We though that it was just too good an opportunity to miss to be able to give JBB a full blood sibling - hopefully it will all work out fabulously!!

So, we are all systems go on 'operation healthy'!! Both JourneyMan and I have been very strong this week, totally focussed on our goals and all about the action to get ourselves in shape.

I have to admit, there is a big part of me that is quite nervous about delving into another cycle - can I really handle the heartbreak if it is negative? For JBB's sake, I want to try. I want him to have someone to grow up with, play with, fight with, confide in, tease mercilessly and support to the ends of the earth.

So, my strategy for the moment is:

• Enjoy every moment of little JBB
  
• Get back to work to save money
• Focus on getting healthy
• Keep up the weekly counselling to ensure that I am mentally healthy

In JBB news, he had his first solid food this week - rice cereal and I tell you, he took to it like a duck to water. He has his mouth open like a little sparrow - I can't keep up with how much he is wanting to eat!! Tomorrow, he is having a go at some mashed banana - hope he will like that!!

We also went to the maternal health nurse today and he has grown gangbusters - he has gone from the 45th percentile for height to the 90th - what the!?!? He is very long - everyone comments on it.

I am so happy that we have made the decision - once again, we are on a countdown to Thailand!

The Donor Egg Mother

This post has been bubbling away in me for awhile but I have waited and waited to post it basically because I don't really know how to express myself about it. I have having a tough time articulating my feelings here but I have decided to just go ahead and see what comes out.

There is a lingering feeling of 'what the?' about being a 'Donor Egg Mother'. It is not that I feel separate from JBB, I don't - I couldn't love him any more than I do - I love him with a ferocious, protective passion. It is not that I care that he doesn't look like me, he looks like my fabulous husband which is a wonderfully beautiful thing to me. JBB is beautifully perfect in every way - why would I want to change him?

I think it is because of the label 'Donor Egg Mother'. Why do I feel the need to label myself so when I really am just 'Mother'? I think that the problem here is myself because it plays on that age old fear within me that I never fit in anywhere - maybe I even relish this fact because it is comfortable. Even though I have plenty of friends who are Mum's there is no-one in my life who can exactly relate to how I am feeling.

There is also an element of fear that JBB will be angry because of the choices that we made. I know that it sounds irrational but what if he ends up hating me because of the lengths that we went to to have him?

I also feel some fear about telling our gorgeous JBB. How can we ensure that he understands how his life began? How can we ensure that he understand that we would do anything to bring him into our lives and that he is no different from any other boy?

Sorry, gotta go - JBB is ready to eat!! Will continue this post later (and will update you on how JourneyMan has lost his job - stress city here I tell you!!).

Dreams coming true!

Well, I took another pregnancy test this morning and the line has gotten darker - whoo hoo, I am SO happy. The funny thing is that I was expecting to feel a little disbelief, that it would take some time for the news to sink in but I wasn't surprised to see that line there - it was more like that I was expecting it. I think it points to an incident when we were still in Thailand. It was in Hua Hin and my back was sore because the bed wasn't as good as the bed in Bangkok but I was a little worried about having a Thai massage because they are quite rigorous (a cross between a massage and a yoga class quite frankly). After awhile, I decided that I would go ahead with the massage but tell them that I am pregnant so they wouldn't go too hard on me. That time felt like the transition to me, when I told them I was pregant, I believed it so I think that is the reason that I wasn't surprised when I got the positive result yesterday.

We went over to my Mum and Dad's place early yesterday morning for pressie corner (I am still very much a child at heart) and I told my Mum straight away and she was so happy, she cried! Later, my Mum told me that Dad had said to her - 'I am so happy that JourneyGirl is pregnant, I said prayers for her and it worked'. I nearly cried myself at that because that was so much more like my old Dad - it was just fantastic. We had a great day yesterday with lunch at my Aunties place (she also cried as did my older sister) and then we went to JourneyMan's Nanna's house to have dinner with all of his family. There was a lot of eating, lots of presents and so much joy - it was a beautiful day!

Unfortunately my brother and his wife and kids were not at our celebrations, he has been in alcohol rehab for the last month and will remain in there for a couple of months more. We are absolutely happy that he is finally getting some help so whilst we missed them all, I would much rather that he spent the time taking care of himself and getting well but I did miss them.

We had dinner at JourneyMan's Nanna's house and we told his Mum that I am pregnant, she was so happy - gosh, it was such a wonderful day yesterday. I have found that I have had to tell quite a few people about the pregnancy despite it being so early because they knew what we were going to Thailand for so we couldn't really keep it a secret. I feel slightly uncomfortable about telling people so early, however I am going to work on the assumption that everything is going to turn out fine so it won't be an issue! We didn't get home until around 9:30pm and because I only had a couple of hours of sleep on the plane and then was in bed late on Christmas eve and up at the crack of dawn to check the test so I was tired, tired, tired!

I had a pretty good sleep last night though my back is still quite sore. It was so lovely to get up and sit on the couch with JourneyDog, gosh I missed his woolliness - we went to see him straight away without going home or unpacking or anything. He is going to have to have a bath tomorrow, he is a bit on the nose, that's for sure! I went to the movies with my bestie today and we had a good catch up chat which was brilliant. I had to have a snooze when I got home this arvo as I was really tired still. In terms of symptons, I have felt fairly lightheaded all day and a bit hungrier than usual though I don't know if it is my imagination (the hunger, I mean - the lightheadedness is definitely real!).

I realised last night that I knew absolutely nothing about pregnancy so I have bought myself a book today and am reading up on what's going on. I am going to book in to see the GP next week and give my fertility specialist a call though I think he is France (or Denmark) for all of January. I will have to book in to see the haematologist as well. I want to make sure that I find an OB who has had experience in uterine abnormalities - so much to do - gosh, I might have to write a list!

On another note, I wanted to give you all huge heartfelt thanks for all of your positive thoughts, support and comments - it has been SO helpful to JourneyMan and I believe that you all had a hand in this positive result because of your thoughts and wishes - THANK YOU!!

The best gift of all!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!! JourneyMan and I are over the moon, I got a positive pregnancy test this morning on a HPT. The line was faint but it was definitely there - I can't get the grin off my face!!

Well, I have to go get ready for our Christmas lunch at my Aunties place - I just wanted to briefly stop by to let you know the good news.

I am SO happy - it is amazing!!

Last night in Thailand tonight!

And I have to say that I am looking forward to going home. Generally at this point on a trip I am devastated to be going home but I am really looking forward to going home this time. I have missed Journey Dog immensly and can't wait to hug on his wooliness but I am also hoping for that positive result. AF has stayed away and the cramps have eased off in the last day though there was an interesting incident to report last night.

I woke up at 3am cos I was hot (and JourneyMan was jumping about in his sleep) and I had trouble getting back to sleep so I read for a while. I turned over in bed and got a really bad dizzy spin (only comparable to in the past drinking too much though this was a lot faster than that) - I felt awful. I grabbed on to JourneyMan - whose response was 'you're not going to fall anywhere' - yes, very helpful, sweetie! He went back to sleep and I read for about another hour and during that time I had around another 4 spells. I think it is good news and further good news - AF still away - yeah!!

So tomorrow we will check out by 12pm but hang around the resort (no doubt by the pool) until 5:30pm when we take the 3 hour car drive (we have a driver!) back to Bangkok. Our flight leaves at 12:15am in the morning and we get back to Melbourne at 1:30pm on Christmas Eve. My sister is picking us up at the airport in Melbourne and taking us straight to see my Mum, Dad and JourneyDog!

Good news, I have pretty much finished the Christmas shopping, just have to pick up a couple of things at the airport duty free and I am home and hosed, whoo hoo!!

The countdown is on people - the test is on the 26th December (or Boxing Day as we say in Australia) - only 4 more sleeps!!

All clear so far!

Okay gang, the great news is that I have survived the day without the AF so I am feeling a bit better. This has been a big thing for me as AF normally is right on the money or early - very, very rarely is she ever late. So, it has been an excellent day. Thank you for all of your comments of support, I really appreciate it! LS - you're right and I am back being positive - a momentary lapse (Teddy & Big Blue Dog have made a new friend - Phantay - see below for story). TIO - yes, absolutely - I feel blessed to have JourneyMan, JourneyDog (I am missing his wooliness like crazy), my fab family and all of you wonderful people out in the blogosphere - I feel very supported!

I have just thought tonight that I had not documented the drug regime that I am on right now - honestly, it has to be seen to be believed! Here goes:

Morning:

Progynova (Oral Oestrogen)

Crinone (Vaginal Progesterone)

Chinese herbs

Duphaston (Oral Progesterone)

Lunch:

Progynova (Oral Oestrogen)

Evening:

Progynova (Oral Oestrogen)
Chinese herbs
Duphaston (Oral Progesterone)

Clexane (blood thinner injection)

Multi Vitamin

Co-enzyme Q10

Calcium

Folic Acid

As you can see, it is a pretty thorough regime. I have alarms on my phone to ensure that I take everything!

In other news, today was a day of swimming - the pool here is amazing, reading (I am finished the Twilight series and am on to a Grisham) and JourneyMan and I are watching the 4th season of Weeds. Tomorrow we are going in to town so I can finally get my Christmas shopping finished!

Beach, Pool, Waiting...

Okay, just a quick post to let you know that I am still here, waiting, waiting, waiting. Though I have to tell you that there are worst places to wait than this - lovely weather, palm trees, gorgeous pool, seaview from room - we are loving ourselves sick here!!

Not much to tell at the moment because I am in a little bit of a worried hole. AF is due tomorrow and I have noticed some distinctly PMS signs - bloated stomach, snappy mood, craving for chocolate. I am in a bit of a worried place at the moment because both cycles when I had transfers were over very quickly when AF came along and ruined the party.

I am trying to relax as much as possible and hope against hope that this is our time but I can't help but have some self doubt. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Movies, Reading, Waiting...

Okay gang - I have wrested back control of the blog from JourneyMan though I am sure that you will agree that he did a fab job while I was being lazy in the hotel room! Well, today has been alot of nothing basically. I didn't sleep very well last night - I went to sleep after midnight (after watching Twilight) and woke up at 6am and couldn't get back to sleep. Of course I am in the constant body scan mode, thinking that every pain is implantation and every symptom could mean the little dot has grabbed on with all their might!

I am feeling very positive and happy. I was initially disappointed by the results that we got but I am also very happy to have been able to have an excellent grade blastocyst transferred back for the very first time - yay! I don't know if I am imagining things or not but I feel a little bit different this time. After the previous transfers that I have had, I felt very early on that they were not going to work but at the moment, every action that I take and every thought that I have is that I am already pregnant.

So, what has been happening today. Well, after my restless sleep we had our breakfast at a lazy 9pm and then did a bit of reading before heading over to see Avatar. It wouldn't have been my pick of movies to see but there was very little else that we hadn't seen and it turned out to be pretty good. We had a nice lunch and then headed back to the room for some more reading (I have now finished Eclipse and am just about to start on Breaking Dawn) and a bit of a disco nap for JourneyMan (he never has any trouble sleeping, ever!). Then we went and saw New Moon and that brings me to where I am now - updating you guys. Can you believe how relaxing our schedule is!?!? My goodness, if we got any more relaxed, we would barely be living!! Though I have to say - it was nice to have a day without appointments, tours or treatments - today was just a whole load of nothing and sometimes that's nice! I liked New Moon a lot better than Twilight which I thought was a bit sucky (pun intended) really though I am firmly in the Jacob camp so that's probably why!

This is our last night in Bangkok and I am really looking forward to heading to Hua Hin tomorrow - I love the beach and it will nice to go swimming (not on the banned list - yeah!!) and even have some different scenery! Honestly, JourneyMan and I were talking yesterday and we feel like we have been here for a month - I guess because so much has happened but also that we haven't done much of anything - if that makes any sense!?!? Gosh, I am rambling now - someone tell me to shut up!

I want to thank you all for your wonderful comments of support, it it a wonderful, wonderful feeling to know that you guys are out there sending your positive thoughts our way, I really appreciate it and certainly some of your comments have been so moving that I have had a tear or two - thanks to all of you. I have not had a chance to catch up on my reading as yet but I promise I will - I am excited to see what everyone has been up to!!

Well that is all from Bangkok at present. Hopefully I will be able to update you all in Hua Hin but surprisingly enough, I don't know where the internet cafes are or really where anything is - I have purposely left it research free so that we could do a bit of exploring now that we don't have appointments to keep. It should be a lovely relaxing 5 nights and then home for Christmas eve - eeeek, still have not finished my Christmas shopping - will hopefully be able to find some lovely presents in Hua Hin.

8 is enough - calmer day!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for your kind and calming words! I feel alot better today and have put the 8 embryos into perspective and am very happy!

At the moment I am loose in Thailand on my own. JourneyMan has headed off to a ninja movie (please, as if I was going to see that!!) and I am having a blissful time wandering around the shops without JourneyMan behind me sighing with boredom every few minutes. Don't get me wrong, I am not a big shopper myself but I do like to have some browsing time especially when I have time on my hands as I do on this holiday.

I am determined to find some lovely frocks and shoes before I head off for some foot reflexology and then we meet up for dinner! We went to the weekend market this morning at a place called Chatuchak just outside Bangkok and it is absolutely mammoth but not really my cup of tea for walking around - it was very hot, claustraphobic and millions of people there. You wouldn't be able to walk around the whole place in a day I don't think!!

After that, we have just been reading and dozing before we have gone our separate ways this afternoon. I have been taking some photos and I promise that I will post them over the next couple of days. We are hoping to go to the national park tomorrow and have a ride on the elephants, so that will be fun!!

In a final piece of news, JourneyMan and I stumbled across a documentary on the 'Australia' channel on the cable tv in the hotel last night. It was about a journalist who wanted a child but was not in a relationship with anyone. It was an okay documentary but honestly, I was pretty offended when she described how soulless it was looking for a spe.rm donor via the clinics. In the end she got pregnant by a one night stand. Hmmmm, I was a bit offended I must say.

Anyways, I am off to find me some frocks and shoes!!

8 Embryos....

Okay, it has not been a great day today. I got the call this morning with the fertilisation results and we only have 8 embryos. JourneyMan is quick to point out that this is our best cycle ever but I am left feeling very vulnerable. I mean, what if we don't get any that survive to day 5 - all of a sudden I am feeling very scared, emotional and anxious.

All my people have been saying comforting things (via text message) but I can't help but worry. Up until now, I had felt mainly positive and almost invicible, especially with the results of the EPU. Now I am full of worry and am playing the 'what if' game. We have come along way (and paid alot of money) to get to where we are and whilst I have never been in the position of having 8 embryos before, I thought that we would have more.

I know that I sound really ungrateful - it is just that I am so desperate. I think I am going to have to pull out my St Jude medal that the MIL gave me and sleep with it under my pillow tonight - Patron Saint of Desperate Cases is what I need right now I tell you!!

I irrationally thought that I could leave the fear behind. I also think that the drugs are having an ill effect on me - the noises of Bangkok are getting to me right now - I had to escape to the sanctuary of the hotel room all afternoon, though tomorrow we are off to the weekend market in Bangkok. JourneyMan has never been but I went with my bestie and it is very massive, hot and overwhelming - we will get there early and get out before it gets to hot I think!

18 Eggs!!

Yes, you read right, 18 eggs from our wonderful donor - bless her gorgeous ovaries! We were at the clinic today and were lucky enough to meet our donor (not all of them want to meet their recipients) and she is the most lovely, fabulous woman I have met in my life. She said to me 'I am so happy to be able to help you out' - it brought tears to my eyes. I thanked her 100 times and hugged her quite a few as well (not a great thing to do in Thailand as the Thai people are generally very reserved) but she didn't seem to mind. Happily, we are also getting a print out of her medical history to keep and we exchanged email addresses so that we can keep in touch in the future.

JourneyMan gave his sample without a hitch and my lining is at 8mm which the doctor said was good, I also have no fibroids or polyps which he was very happy about - so all in all a good day! We will have the fertilisation results tomorrow.

For the rest of the day, we spent it by the pool and then another massage - oh yes, it's a hard life! I will give some more information about Thailand in my next couple of posts - it is a beautiful place with the most lovely, happy people!

The ART of relaxation..

It hasn't escaped me that the one thing that pisses me off mightily is that some fertile friends have said to me ad nauseum 'it will happen when you relax' and one of the things that I am hopeful about on this cycle is that the fact that I have almost a month off work and a week in relaxed Thailand will give me the positive result that we have been dreaming of!!

Well, we are here and it is absolutely divine! We got in at 5:30am Bangkok time and a rep from the clinic picked us up from the airport. Unfortunately we had to wait for a couple of hours before our room was ready and that was excrutiating and how - I was pretty exhausted though the flight was absolutely fine though a little turbulant.

We finally got in to the room (which is fabulous!) and had a clean up and a nap before heading out to explore, have lunch and have our first Thai massage. I tell you, we are living the high life here, it is wonderful!!

Tomorrow is our donor's egg collection and JourneyMan's retrieval - I am very excited - will let you know how it went tomorrow!

We're on our way!

Okay gang, we are at the airport standing in the queue to be checked in, whoo hoo, we are finally on our way!

It has been an absolutely full on day and now I am so tired, I can't wait to get on the plane to get me some ZZZZ's! The day started off at 5am when I got up and put the finishing touches on the packing and cleaning before heading off to work.

Work was a complete disaster today. I had worked on getting this particular task done for the past 2 weeks and thought that when I presented it to the relevant team that they would be completely joyful at what I was able to do for them - unfortunately, they changed their minds AGAIN and I had to do a review of some data before I finished today. It was very disappointing, though I am very happy now to be having almost a month off before I go back. I have finally started to relax after a pretty stressful day and I am really looking forward to a nap on the plane!

We have now completed check in, have gone through customs and security and are waiting at the gate. The lesson of the airport, I believe is patience! There is a lot of standing around, then sitting around and then waiting around. My mum cooked us dinner tonight (a roast - yum!!) and then dropped us off at the airport.

It is kind of a surreal moment but even as I sit an type, I am relaxing more and more and imagining myself being pregnant very soon - I am SO excited!!

We have follicles!!!

A calm has descended over me. Only one more sleep, only one more day of work, one dinner at my Mum and Dad's house, a kiss and a hug of JourneyDog and we are off!!

I got an email from the clinic this morning, our donor had her first scan yesterday. She has 20 follicles and her hormones are rising nicely!! Wow, this is like the follicle holy grail. Honestly, I feel vindicated, relieved and not a little bit jealous. I hadn't admitted it to myself but I was seriously worried that the cycle was going to be cancelled because she didn't respond to the drugs or didn't have enough follicles. I feel like I need to have a little discussion with my own ovaries to tell them that this is what I was hoping for from them, not some shuddering growth of a rogue follicle or two. I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed with my own bodies shortcomings egg especially in comparison to my gorgeous donor's but what can you do, that's life, right!

The good, positive thougthts far outweigh the bad though and the relief from the craziness that had swamped me over the past few days has been profound. I am back to excited optimism now and that is sitting well with me! I am looking forward to the trip now with great hope and excitement now. I am even looking forward to getting up at 5am for work tomorrow and all of my back to back meetings because it will be the last day for almost a month, whoo hoo! I do have to slip out in the morning to get the lap band adjusted.

Whilst we have officially entered summer in Melbourne and we have had some very hot weather already, today has been very cold and rainy so I am looking forward to the sun and heat of Thailand (it is going to be 34 degrees celsius, 92 degrees fahrenheit over the week) - I am looking forward to some relaxing by the pool - whoo hoo!

A note from JourneyMan:

It is on! Wow, since we had the baby's room set up and I saw the cradle in corner I have been moving rapidly towards expecting a baby. As JG had mentioned, I was blown away to see the cradle in the room. From there, I could see the baby sitting in the cradle and I was imagining carefully lifting her while supporting her head and back. I am looking forward to cuddling a little one soon and in short things have been brought sharply into focus for me. With all the failed attempts, I had felt a distance to the actual reality of success. Also, now that our donor has got 20 follicles, I have also realised we should soon have a bub on the way!

And back to JourneyGirl:

This song to our JourneyBaby has been going through my head all day - so corny I know but well, that's me, I am pretty corny!!

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Hold on like you'll never let me go

Cos I'm leaving on a jet plane

Come with me when I come back again

Oh babe, I can't wait for you!

A frantic note to Lifeslurper:

Teddy and the Big Blue Dog have been spotted at Melbourne Airport - find them here (you've got to view this post people, it is precious)!!!

(JourneyMan and I absolutely LOVED this post - thank you, thank you, thank you!!).

Thank you for all of your good wishes, everyone - I really appreciate it!!

Check the ticker - 1 day to go!! This time tomorrow, we will be at the airport.

Are we there yet?

Okay – there is definitely something called ridiculously organized. Since yesterday, I have already packed the case, checked and doubled checked the documents (we have 4 sets, one in my bag, one in JourneyMan’s, one in the case and one will stay with my Mum), I have packed my carry-on bag including an armful of trashy magazines that Best Friend J gave me tonight, bless her cotton socks! I even have a little pile of clothes that are my ‘aeroplane clothes’ all ready for me to slip into before we go. My spreadsheet is just about empty – there are only items that can be done at the last minute on there.

There is also something called ridiculously emotional. I am anxious, I am crying, I am yelling, I am happy, I am excited, I am tired, I am confident that this will be our BFP, I am doubtful that it will work, I am nervous, I am snapping at people at work, I am writing mean emails, deleting them, writing them again, deleting it again and then finally writing an acceptable version – I am over it!! Seriously, Best Friend J commented tonight that it was lucky it was only two more sleeps otherwise someone (most likely Journeyman) might lose their life!!

Funnily enough, I thought that this would be an easier cycle because I wasn’t on all of the injectibles – unfortunately because I am having the clexane injections every day, it feels like a normal IVF cycle. I got an email from the clinic today marked ‘urgent’ – seriously, my heart stopped. I mean within the time that I was able to get the email open, I thought ‘oh my god, the donor has no follicles, what if the cycle is cancelled? Thankfully, it was the admin assistant asking for some personal details – goodness, couldn’t she have titled the email ‘Urgent Request for Information’ – I mean, bloody hell, am I not emotional enough?

Avoid Melbourne if you can, people – there is one crazy chick in town – thankfully she blows out of here in 2 more days – whoo hooo!!!

I'm very flattered!

The lovely Chelle has given me an award and I am very, very flattered - thank you Chelle!

Here are the rules to the award:

1. 
   
   
   
   Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.




2. 
   
   
   
   3-5 fellows whom you adore and write exactly what you value about that person or blog. The more that you write about them, the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there for you through thick and thin.




3. 
   
   
   
   Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

So, without further ado, here firstly is my story about how I got into blogging. I started a blog about having lap band surgery for the business that my friend and I have set up and I found it a wonderful way to express myself. I started this particular blog after our 5th IVF cycle was unsuccessful and we decided to go to Thailand to try a donor egg cycle there. I had searched far and wide to see if I could find a blogger in my particular situation, going to another country to access a donor but I couldn't find anyone, especially for Thailand so I thought to myself, 'okay, I will start my own!'. I purposely kept this blog anonymous as I wanted to be able to express all of my emotions without censoring myself. Only my husband, my best mate J and Lifeslurper know my try identity (she was very encouraging!!).

Here are my nominations:

1. Lifeslurper and Teddy Lifeslurper - my number 1 blogging inspiration, sounding board and blogging yoda (she reminds me to sign up for ICLW, let me know about Stirrup Queens and let me know about CycleSista) - what would I do without this wonderful friend I met on an Australian IVF forum. Her posts are poignant, brutally honest and funny, I love her to bits and whilst they have parted ways, Teddy Lifeslurper never fails to bring a smile to my face - you haven't lived until you have had a view of his (and don't forget the big blue dog!) antics.

2. Chelle from Once an Infertile - and not because you created this award but because you are an inspiration to me. When I first started doing ICLW, I wouldn't look at any blogs of IF women who were already successful, not because I was resentful, just because I felt I had more in common with the women who were trying. You have given me the courage to open my mind and heart to more who are on different stages of the journey and I am absolutely grateful for it (plus, this way you can nominate 5 more and I might find some more grouse blogs to follow myself - yes, of course it is all about me :))

3. TireeGal from Happy Go Lucky - who found me during and ICLW I believe and is a fellow donor egg cycle gal. I visited her blog after she had commented here and I liked the title of her blog 'Happy Go Lucky' it was so aspirational and I was intrigued that someone could be that way going through the IF journey - she has been a wonderful comfort over the past months. She is in the TWW at the moment with a test on 11 December - I am hoping that this will be a BFP for you my friend!

4. Jill at All Aboard the Pity Boat - I felt instant kinship with Jill when I found her - despite the fact that we live on opposite ends of the earth! She is an amazing woman. She is doing a running challenge at the moment, is crocheting (!!) and has the most gorgeous blue heeler you've ever seen in your life.

5. Miss Tori at The Winding Road to Parenthood - she has been a wonderful comfort to me over the past few months and is always quick with a kind word and a lovely piece of advice. She is preparing for her Lap Band surgery on 17 December (the same day as our transfer) and I hope that everything goes very well!!

Well that is it for the awards - once again, thank you Chelle!

On other matters, I spoke too soon about the 'no side effects with the drugs'. I have hit an emotional roller coaster. I went to the market with my Mum this morning as per usual and we were talking about my Dad. It is pretty hard at the moment because he is deteriorating so rapidly with the hydrocephallus and demtetia. He is disappearing in front of our eyes and I try to be available to my mum so that she can talk about it - the poor thing is having a very rough time as Dad is getting nastier, more agressive and paranoid by the day - she is pretty ground down by it all. Unfortunately this morning in the car, I just started sobbing and couldn't stop - I felt bad because I didn't want to heap any more worry on to her. I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat lately and whilst it is not surprising with everything going on, I am a bit exhausted by it all.

Mum and I ended up having a laugh about it and she was really good so I felt a bit better but honestly, my emotions are going crazy! I was going to clean the house an pack this afternoon but ended up sleeping for the majority of it - that's fine, I can do the cleaning and packing tomorrow.

I wanted to post some pics of Journey Dog who is Woolly. The first one shows him with before his clipping last week and the second one is today (post shorn like a sheep) - here they are:

Wow, only four more sleeps to go!

Whinging and babbling....

5 days people - gosh, wasn't it 5 yesterday and the day before too? It feels like it has been five days to go for a week! Time is really playing funny buggers with me at the moment. It doesn't help that I am packing each day with millions of things. Here is something that I would never have thought I would say - the house is looking a little bit rough around the edges, I am looking forward to cleaning it to have something to do - gaaaaahhhhh, who is this person who has taken over my body?!!?!

So today I had to work a half day and I had a lot to do, thankfully I got it all done. Unfortunately after that, JourneyMan and I had a massive argument - I am still reeling from it a bit though it is all sorted out now. I sometimes think that we are going well, really understanding each other and taking care of each other and then on days like today, I wonder if we are ever going to understand anything about each other. In mid fight, we had to go and have lunch with JourneyMan's mum - I felt sorry for her, we certainly weren't great company for her today. She gave me the blessed St Jude medal which was really lovely.

After that, I had to get out of the house so I gathered up my mym and we went to Ikea (to pick up JourneyMan and mines Christmas present from her and my dad - a dining table and chairs - whoo hoo!!). I also did some more Christmas shopping - I am going very well, I am definitely saving the rest for Thailand - I will need something to do for those 8 days and well, we are next to a seven storey shopping centre :)

Only 3 more days of work, thankfully! Wednesday is going to be a cracker though, I have meetings pretty much back to back the whole day. Oh well, hopefully I will sleep on the plane!

Now, I wanted to tell you about a very fabulous friend that I have. She is my best friend and we have been friends since she walked into my grade 2 class. We have known each other for more than 30 years (holy cow!) and have travelled the world together and are now running a business together. Interestingly enough, she has never particularly wanted children but of all of my friends and family, she is the most understanding and supportive. She is one special person. She has never said 'just relax' or 'it will happen when it's meant to'. For the most part she doesn't really offer any advice, she just listens with no judgement. For awhile, she thought that she may be able to come to Thailand for a week - gosh I would have loved that but her job has conspired against her - hopefully another time!

She has another good friend that is going through IVF at the moment (the poor girl had a negative on her first cycle). I am feeling very sorry for my mate J - she is copping it from all sides at the moment with me and her other mate. This is a shout out to you J - thanks for all of your support and love - you are the best!

Well, that is all that is all the news for this Friday. I am watching a docco on Everest, which also reminds me of J cos we travelled to Nepal - I blame her for that because it was her ambition to climb to Everest Base camp - most of the way we kept on saying each other - 'we could be lying by a pool in Bali but nooooo we had to do something adventurous'. Needless to say, our next trip was to a tropical destination with much lying next to the pool!