First Day of School Tears

So I could for sure write a post on the mind boggling quick passage of time but I would much rather talk about our Journey Baby Boy who is now a Big School Boy.  

I have never really thought I would be a mother that would cry when their child went to school - I thought that people were crying because they would miss their baby when they were away for them or because they wished that they wouldn't grow up.  I had an inkling that all might not go as expected on the last day of kindergarten last year.  My darling JBB and his kindergarten class had a Christmas concert - he told me that he was going to  sing for me at the concert and I smiled and said I couldn't wait but in my mind wondered if it would be indeed a time that we would watch the other kids sing whilst JBB hid his face in embarrassment as he had done at the day care concerts.

Throughout the kindergarten year we had some challenges with JBB not feeling comfortable in joining in on particular occassions -  at Auskick, at birthday parties etc, etc.  He is quite a cautious kid and it is always a very fine balance between pushing too hard and him missing out on fun.  We had his birthday party at an indoor playground with a big slide and, in one of my better moments of parenting, we decided to take him there a few times before the party so he was comfortable - he was and he ruled that party!!

Anyway, back to the kinder concert.  We arrived at the centre and it was hugely crowded, I thought that would send JBB running but he saw his teacher and walked easily over and took his place on the 'stage' with his friends.  To all our surprise, he sang the songs and did all the actions whilst many of the other kids shied away and didn't really participate.  It struck me at the time how grown up he was, how much he had matured in that kinder year, what a great person he is becoming.  They were singing a song about how to say hello and goodbye in different languages and I thought 'he is saying goodbye to these friends' and that was it, I was crying.  It was compounded by the fact that they also sang this 'Santa Claus is coming' song by High Five and this is a song that haunted me throughout my infertility journey - every Christmas Eve, it was on Carols by Candlelight and of course it started that I would sing this with my kids in the next few years, then year after year, I got sadder and sadder about it when my arms were still empty - even to this day, I can barely hold myself together when I hear the song so when my beautiful, hard fought little man started singing it with his mates - I was done, crying, crying, crying.  

So, fast forward to late January when it was JBB's turn to have his first day of school.  He was super excited about going, he was up at 5am getting his uniform on and asking every 5 minutes if it was time to go yet.  There were the obligatory pics on the front steps (JourneyDog who is Woolly photobombing the pics), uniform spanking clean, unscuffed shoes and a schoolbag almost bigger than him.  Hugs with Mum and Dad, hugs with his little brother, hugs with his dog.  In the car on the way over, he said to me 'I'm a bit nervous, Mum' and I told him it's okay to be nervous, I am always nervous when I start new things and his Dad told him that everyone else is for sure nervous too.

There were many many people there, the classroom was humming with activity and emotions were running over everywhere.  JBB stuck to my side like glue, even though he had made some friends and they had come in, he was loathe to move away from my side.  JourneyMan had to leave for work so it was just JBB and me.  I could see he was getting distressed and I was also.  Thankfully one of the teacher helpers came over, I was the second last Mum to leave and I needed to go because they were about to start.  I hugged him and told him that I would pick him up soon and he clung to me and whispered 'don't go yet'.  My heart clenched and I said that I had to go.

I put my head down and walked as fast as I could to my car and then sobbed the whole way home.  I've thought about it often since then (it's only been a week) and wondered why I was crying.  The main part was that he was distressed and I had to leave him - that was tough but I think I would have cried anyway and I am not exactly sure why.  I am super proud of how he is meeting all these milestones, I am very happy that he is becoming independent and I am excited to see him becoming his own person.  

He ended up coming home super excited but also told me that his favourite bit was doing some drawings for me when he was crying - queue a few swallows to hold back more tears!  So, this morning, I was up at 5:15am to go to bootcamp and when I looked in his room, he was already putting his school uniform on, he absolutely loves school and can't wait everyday to go.

 

Blog Reboot - with a little story

So I have been a terrible blogger, blah blah blah. I am very sorry but I miss it and there is SOOOO much to tell but I am going to start slow and see where it takes me.  I hope that there are some of you out there living your wonderful lives going well - I think of you often.

This blog has always been about kids from donor eggs, of which I have two amazingly, gorgeous boys who I say a prayer of thanks for every. single. night.

So, this is a story about JBB, who is now 5 - what the heck!!  Yes, 5!!  I am quite amazed by the ridiculously swift passage of time.

We have always been honest with the boys about where they have come from.  We have many age appropriate books that explain the donor eggs story and we tell them all the time about their own particular story.  The back story to this little story is that our youngest (aged 2 - again, what the heck!) is allergic to eggs and anaphylactic to peanuts.

So, without much further ado - I will give you my little story - and I do mean little but it still touches my heart.

We have been in our 'forever' house for almost 2 years now and I love it as much today as I did when I first walked through the door.  There were some crazy lights in here though - very heavy gothic looking things that was ridiculous with the low ceilings of the house.  Plus in our family, there were pool table lights that JourneyMan and I were constantly bumping our head on.  After saving up our pennies, we got an electrician in (let's call him Sparky - I know, right - my creativity has only increased since I haven't been blogging) - this is an electrician that we have used before at our old house when we renovated, a lovely guy - he does work for the whole family.

When Sparky came to do all the lights, JBB was enthralled - he followed him around the whole house asking him questions, I also was talking to him a lot because he is a really nice guy and we had a little catch up.  At one point, JBB said to me 'it is my turn to talk to Sparky now, you go into the other room'.  I raised my eyebrows at Sparky and he gave me an amused look and I walked into the kitchen where I could still see and hear them.  Here is how the conversation went:

JBB 'that's my Mum and Dad in the picture at their wedding'

Sparky 'Oh really, you wouldn't have even been born yet'

JBB 'no, we were waiting in Thailand for Mum and Dad to come and get us'

Sparky 'Is that right?'

JBB 'yes, Mummy had a broken bit and had donor eggs, Boo2 is allergic to eggs' 

Sparky 'Really, that's…..'

It was at this point I came back into the conversation - Sparky was amazingly interested and told me that his sister had used donor eggs as well and then we were off and racing.  JBB listened intently and then moseyed off to find something more interesting to do.

It still makes me laugh because he so matter of factly told Sparky his story, which I absolutely adore - and then had to add that Boo2 is allergic to eggs, oh bless him - I love how his mind works

Anyway - that's me out.  Hopefully this will be the start of something more regular!!

JBB

JBB is all at once trying my patience and being totally gorgeous.  He is most definitely a toddler and is demanding his own way on many things.  I try to give him a choice most of the time but there are some non-negotiables (like holding hands in car parks and brushing teeth!!).  

I have been super proud of how he has taken to being a big brother, he is great - he loves Boo2 heaps.  It is amazing to see how he treats him and talks to him - he is really kind and loving to him.  He says 'Oh sweetie, what's wrong?', 'It will be okay, sweetie' when Boo2 is crying.  Every morning he comes to see him and says 'hello little fella' and gives him a kiss and a hug.  I'm proud of how he speaks to Boo2 because he has obviously learned how from us - that makes me feel like we are doing a reasonable job. 

He doesn't really have his afternoon sleep much anymore, which makes him very grumpy (and me a bit grumpy too) but 'quiet time' is also a non-negotiable - he spends this in his room and it is always a bit of a battle.  I hear him singing songs in there or telling stories, sometimes I hear him call people on his pretend phone.  Even though he is supposed to me quiet - it makes me smile when I hear him.  My younger sister says he has a  case of FOMO (fear of missing out) - I heartily agree.

He has remained a pretty cautious kid but day care has really helped him to come out of his shell.  I took him to the indoor park the other day with some girlfriends and their kids and he really joined in - previously, he would have hung back and asked me to go in with him - last week, he barrelled in on his own and played up a storm with the other kids.  Even though on one hand, I feel guilty about him going to day care, on the other, I think that he has a wonderful time and it has really helped him to socialise.  Last week, he got put into the kinder room for a little bit as he will be making the transition soon and he was so proud of himself, he told me about it around 10 times.

He loves playing with other kids - he absolutely adores all of his cousins.  He had a sleepover at my older sisters place on Saturday night and is still talking about how much fun he had.  I am looking forward to when Boo2 is walking and they are able to play and have fun together.  It makes me so happy that they will both have a built in mate for the rest of their lives - wonderful.  I just hope that we can help to nurture a lovely sibling relationship between the two of them.

He's at the age where he says funny things and I am sure that JourneyMan and I have bored many people telling him about the cute things that he says and does.  He is addicted to porridge at the moment and we always have a couple of flavours on hand.  He likes to say 'Which one my want, Mummy?' then he pauses to think 'Ummmmm, that one' - it's a little ritual every morning and it makes both JourneyMan and I smile. Interestingly enough, JBB has all of a sudden I have gone from being 'Mummy' to 'Mum' and now, strangely 'Mumma' - I don't know why.

On the other hand, he also can be so frustrating I want to scream.  I will ask him to do something and he says 'no' (over and over again).  I tell him to stop doing something and he won't.  When he goes to bed he wants his cars, his trains, his dummy washed, his nappy changed, his water bottle filled up, he asks for a cuddle, then to be tucked in, then another cuddle and then to be tucked in again.  In essence, he is a toddler asserting his independence and most of the time I am proud of that (sometimes I just want to tear my hair out).

I can't believe that this little boy who I nestled into the small space in my neck, he was so tiny when he was born, is turning 3 next month.  What a wonderful 3 years it has been and how time has flown.  

My Darling 2 Year Old

We had the most wonderful 2^nd birthday for our darling JBB yesterday.  He woke at 6am as normal and we hung around together while JourneyMan had his sleep in for the week (we take it in turns of having a sleep in on the weekend days), only until 8-9 but that is a massive sleep in for both of us!!  I love my ‘Mummy and JBB time’ it’s so special, especially on his birthday.  I made him a train cake and stored it in the pantry over night – I showed JBB in the morning and he was over the moon about it – he kept wanting to go back and look at the ‘choo choo’.  Finally, we (okay me) got sick of waiting for pressie corner and we went to wake up JourneyMan.  JBB was shouting ‘corner, Daddy, corner’.

He didn’t really know how to open his pressies but by the end of the day, she sure knew how to rip into them and see what was inside.  We spoilt him with Thomas the Tank engine sheets and plate and cup set, finger puppets, a cloth tunnel, some building blocks and a small cubby house for the backyard – he was delighted with all of his presents, which made us delighted too.

We had our families (21 adults and 7 kids) around for a party.  Usually I stress out big time before parties and don’t really look forward to them at all, mainly because I think that I am a pretty shy and private person and being out there talking to people is pretty stressful, – even with family.  I also think that I worry about what people will judge me with – is there enough food, is it nice, was it fun or crap, is the house a disaster?  I did start stressing earlier in the week because there was so much to do

 but I decided to not worry about it and the good thing was, I really didn’t.  I also thought that if people want to judge me because there are some things out of place in the house, it is more about them than about me.  I didn’t run myself into the ground cleaning and I had chosen to get food and balloons delivered to make my life easier.  It worked, I was really organised, the cake was great fun to make and decorate and I think we all had a great time.

I was worried that JBB might be completely overwhelmed with the experience because he is quite a reserved kid and is very shy around most people, even family that he sees fairly regularly.  He was asleep when most of the people arrived and when he woke up, he sat with JourneyMan until he was ready to join the party.  JBB was a super darling the whole day.  He is such an easy going kid.  The other kids would take his toys from him and he wouldn’t cry or throw a tantrum – he would go and find something else to play with (or I would make the kid give it back to him – though I tried to just watch).  He had such a wonderful time, chasing bubbles and blowing out the candles and showing everyone his cubby house!  He had an early night and slept right through and was ecstatic to wake up to all his presents again today.

He is such a special presence in our lives – he brings me joy every day.  I know I am going to miss my boys so much when I am in Thailand – it is such a wrench to be away from them but it is all in a good cause and hopefully this cycle will be the one that completes our family!!

Good News, Bad News

JBB went to the cardiologist on Wednesday and thankfully, he has been cleared of damage to his heart, so far. We go back in another 6 weeks so that they can make absolutely sure that nothing has changed, though they said that any damage at this time would be very rare indeed so I am very relieved and very hopeful that he will be fine. They have said that he can do sport and anything and that the only thing will be is that it will be an additional factor for heart disease later in his life. We have resolved to be very careful of our eating and exercising habits to pass these on to JBB.

On the bad news side, my Dad has been confirmed that the lumps in his adrenal gland and where they took his lung out are cancer. He has an appointment tomorrow to discuss treatment options but honestly, I have seen him a few times this week and he does not look good, in fact, he has looked worse each day. It is heartbreaking.

I am feeling very happy and very sad at the same time. So happy that JBB has so far escaped heart damage but so very sad at the pain and suffering my Dad is going through. I am still trying not to think about it too much. Thankfully, I am working from home tomorrow, I am pretty sure I couldn't take the news that my Mum will tell me at work.

On Hold....

We have had some more bad news last week. They have found a 6cm growth on his adrenal gland that was not there 3 months ago. Considering that he had melanoma and then lung cancer from the melanoma, this is pretty bad news. He had a full body scan yesterday and now we are waiting to see what the doctor says the next step is. So we are waiting.

In addition, JBB has his tests tomorrow to check that there has been no damage to his heart – we will not know the results until Monday and I am hoping against hope that he is cleared of damage to his heart but will just have to deal with it if the news is not good. He has been very good and active, so I am hoping that it means that he will be cleared but it is hard to know what is going to happen. But we are waiting.

I am trying very hard to not worry until I have something concrete to worry about but I do find it very difficult – especially when they are both important things. Add these to the waiting that I have done over the past 4 years with IVF and I feel like my life has become and interminable purgatory of waiting. You would think that after all of this time, I would have gotten better at it but it is very wearing.

My Mum tells me all the time how hard it is with Dad being sick (I honestly think that in the last 5 years, he’s had around 15 operations and a gazillion appointments) because she can’t make any plans – I absolutely know what she means cos we have been in the same place. We usually only book a holiday at the last minute because who knows if a cycle is going to happen and we have to be going to Thailand? Our Christmas holiday was cancelled, so that I could go to Thailand for the cycle and my sister asked me the other day if we were going to go next year – of course my answer is ‘who knows?’.

I feel like our life is mostly, waiting for the results of Dad’s operations and tests and waiting, preparing for or recovering from IVF cycles. We had a blissful (though not without a hell of a lot of worry) 8 months where we were waiting for JBB to be born and then another 5 months where he pretty much occupied my every thought but then it was back to work to get enough money for another cycle and the waiting began again. Now we have to wait to see what Dad’s treatment is going to be, wait to see what JBB’s results are going to be and then 6 months of waiting and preparing for another cycle.

I need some strategies to handle a life perpetually on hold – anyone got any ideas?

What is going on?

I am at a loss as to what to write about at the moment, so I just thought I would start and see what happens.

Firstly, let me say that I am worried about JBB, he seems to have changed behaviour significantly since we got out of the hospital. He is having tantrums all the time and he just screams and screams if I am not with him. I have this week off work but the following two weeks I am working full time to cover for my friend who will not be at work, I feel horrible about leaving him but I have to get back to work. He also seems to be having nightmares, which is just heart breaking.

The plan is also for me to go to Thailand if we get the go ahead next week from the Melbourne fertility specialist. I will feel horrible leaving JBB but honestly, I would much prefer that JBB has the 24/7 Daddy time rather than getting farmed out to other people because JourneyMan would have to work. My period has pretty much continued lightly but steadily the whole time and now I am kind of thinking that this might be a good thing? God only knows, seriously but I will have more information next Wednesday.

I finally put the Christmas tree up today and my plans for a 'year of creating new traditions' has not really eventuated. I basically have to get all of my Christmas shopping finished off tomorrow because I will be working for the next couple of weeks. I also have a big plan for the next 2 weeks of treatments and such to get my body as ready as possible. There is a heap to do and only a little time to do it in.

Feelings wise, I am numb. After we checked out of the hospital, I heaved with sobs, mainly from relief, though I am still worried about the follow up tests that may show heart damage. I also broke down on Tuesday night when I realized that I would probably still be going to Thailand, the thought of leaving JBB sickens me. I can't talk to anyone either. I am supposed to go out to a Christmas dinner with all of my girl friends next week (it is tradition) but I don't want to talk about the failed cycle in Thailand, I don't want to talk about my sister's pregnancy, I don't want to talk about JBB being Ill and I don't want to talk about the upcoming cycle in Thailand, what does that leave? Football, nope, don't want to talk about that either.

I am very, very grateful that JBB is getting better but I feel all at sea right now. I am hoping that I will stop whinging soon and start to enjoy, Christmas, it used to be my favorite time of year.

JBB Update

JBB has Kawasaki disease but he has responded very well to treatment. We are home now and he is tucked up safe in his bed but this weekend has been the most harrowing of all of our lives. Saturday was absolutely horrible.

Thankfully, the fever has broken, his eyes are almost back to normal and the lump on his neck is reducing. He has had studies done on his heart but they are more of a baseline, he will need to be assessed again in 6-8 weeks as the heart damage can happen from now. Thankfully, the odds for that go from 30% of children affected getting heart defects to 3% if treated early, which he was.

I am absolutely exhausted and I am still very worried about our beautiful little miracle child but I am thankful that I followed up with the doctor, I am thankful that he sent us to the hospital, I am thankfully that the hospital recognized the symptoms straight away and I am thankful for the love, help and support that were showered on us over the weekend, we are one lucky family. Thank you all for your comments of support, I really appreciate it.

I will update further when I can, for the moment, I need my bed and about 1000 hours of sleep.

A Vigil

I'm sitting next to my beautiful, perfect JBB. He is asleep but not soundly, he is burning with fever and wakes every 15-20mins whimpering in pain. I soothe him back to sleep each time. I can't stop looking at him, touching him, singing to him, letting him know I'm here. He is not in his own bed but a cot at the Royal Children's hospital in Melbourne. I am waiting to hear if my darling boy has Kawasaki disease and if he does, when they will start treatment. It is an inflammation of the blood vessels in the arteries and in particular, the coronary arteries. If detected early, most children will make a full recovery but complications can include aneurysm and heart attacks (thankfully this is very rare), you can find out more information here:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/heart/kawasaki.html

It is past midnight and after many days of broken sleep and crying with exhaustion this morning, I have never felt less like sleeping in my life. How did this happen? I am still in shock and disbelief and even as I read information about this disease, I cannot think of it in connection with my life loving, big hearted, cheeky son, it just cannot be possible.

It all began with a tired and cranky JBB on Sunday. He hadn't slept well at either of his sleeps (even the fact that he had two sleeps in a day was unusual as he had recently dropped his second sleep) and wasn't his usual sparkling self at the lunch for my Dad's birthday at my little sister's place. He was feverish on Monday morning when I dropped him off at my Mum's place but I had been expecting more teeth for awhile, so I just put it down to teething. That night, we had trouble getting him to sleep and he woke at around 3am and we brought him in to our bed for the remainder of the night. On Tuesday, JourneyMan's Mum was babysitting him and I felt uneasy all day, not because, I was worried about her care, I was simply worried. I called her during the day to check he was okay, I hadn't done that for months. JourneyMan's Mum said that he was miserable all day, had a fever, a bit of diarrhea and really, just wasn't himself. It took him a long time to go to sleep and he woke at 3am again and we brought him into our bed.

On Wednesday, I was home with him all day and he barely left my knee, I gave him paracetamol and he perked up a bit after that but in the afternoon, he was back on my lap whimpering and was roasting hot and when I took his temperature it was 38.9C / 102F under his arm. I called the 'nurse on call' service we have here in Australia and they reassured me that everything was okay, most likely just a tummy bug, they said to call back if he had any further symptoms. When JourneyMan got home, I noticed a lump on JBB's neck and a patch of red, I got JourneyMan to have a look and he said that he had seen it the night before. I was back on to the nurse on call, quick as a flash and once we went through the whole story and explained about the lump and redness, she suggested we should see the GP within 24 hours. I knew that I couldn't go to work on Thursday, I needed to look after my darling and in the morning, I called the doctors office and booked him in straight away.

Wednesday night was a disaster. He slept in our bed all night and clung to me like his life depended on it, all night, I couldn't move and didn't get much sleep, he woke numerous times during the night burning up. When he got up in the morning, he seemed worse than the day before and by about 10am, I noticed that one of his eyes was bloodshot. This gave me a real fright but I was comforted that I was going to see the doctor at about 11am. It wasn't my normal doctor because I can rarely get in to see her booking so late but I had seen her with JBB before so was okay about it. She pronounced that he had a bad throat infection and thought that the infection itself had caused the bloodshot eye and the rash that we had just found on his tummy. She prescribed some antibiotics because she was worried that the lump in his neck was caused by bacteria. She also suggested that I book in to see her the next day but that if he should improve dramatically overnight and if so, I could cancel the appointment in the morning.

Thursday night was worse than Wednesday. He clung to me all night once again and I woke at 4am with a start because he was hot, way hotter than I had felt him all week. I woke JourneyMan so we could give him some paracetamol and he wouldn't go back to sleep for more than an hour. I took him out to the lounge room to rock him back to sleep and sobbed. I sobbed because I was beyond exhausted but also because I knew then that something was wrong. JBB had had a fever now for 5 days and despite being sick quite a few times in the past 9 months, he didn't shake it off quickly like he had previously. We slept uneasily until JourneyMan got up at 6am.

When JBB got up in the morning, both of his eyes were now bloodshot and he also had the rash on his face. I sent a text off to my Mum, letting her know what was happening, I told her 'I am very worried'. The main worried thought in my head came from the fever, he had had them before and I expected it to have gone down overnight, not worsened. She called me back to see what time I was going back to the doctors (11:10am) and said that if I am really worried, I should just go up there, they will normally see you if you are really worried. I pottered around for awhile trying to get JBB to eat some brekky and comforting him and then made a snap decision. For most of the week, I hadn't trusted myself, I thought I was acting like an over protective, IF affected mother who runs off to the doctor at the drop of a hat. Finally, I realized that was a total load of crap and I packed JBB up really quickly and headed off to the doctors.

They were very nice and the nurse saw me straight away after I had explained what was going on. She immediately took his temp, listened to his chest, looked in his ears etc and then called the doctor to come and look at him. This was a different doctor, he is the one that owns the practice (my mum took us to see his dad when we were kids) and he did all of the observations again and then we talked about what to do. I was expecting him to send us off for some tests but he basically said that he wanted to write a note for him to go to the emergency department of a hospital. His thoughts were that he thought it was okay but because it was Friday, he wouldn't be able to get any answers the same day. He also said that he would prefer them to be angry at him for sending him in needlessly rather than missing something that got exponentially worse over the weekend. He said that he needed to be able to sleep that night. He also said that he had learnt over the years to trust a mothers intuition that something is wrong.

He talked to me about the hospitals that we could take him to and because we have private health care, we could take him anywhere. There was only one hospital that I was comfortable taking him to and that was the Royal Children's. I had to take him to the specialists, I didn't want him thrown out only to find out there there was a problem. I called JourneyMan on the way home from the doctors and we agreed he should stay at work, we thought we would sit around in emergency for hours, they would do some tests and then we would be sent home. I called my mum and asked if she wouldn't mind coming and she agreed. I packed up enough stuff for JBB for around 6-7 hours and picked up my mum and we drove in (about a 45min drive from our house). I told her we had to go through the coffee drive through because I was so tired, I needed a pick me up.

We got to the hospital and went through reception. The hospital had just moved on Wednesday to new premises and just the waiting area was impressive, there was a massive aquarium in there and JBB had a great watching the fish until we were called not 5 mins later to the triage nurse. The triage nurse did all of his obs and asked questions and then after around 10mins we were taken though to a bay. This is when I got scared because we walked past a massive waiting room full of people, I thought 'this is either contagious or dangerous'. After a while, the doctor came to see him and said that they thought it was Kawasaki disease but that there were a few tests needed. We had to find a way to get a urine sample, he sat on my knee with some waterproof paper and waited with a cup at the ready. In the meantime, he had an ECG. He finally started a wee and I was able to catch some for a sample, he did not get me at all!

After a big wait, the doctor came to put a shunt in for an IV and take some blood samples. This was the worst part of the day as they had to hold him down (thankfully, they had put some local anesthetic on his arms earlier) but he didn't like it and he was hysterically crying. I sang to him his favorite songs (dinosaur train, the froggy song, stand by me and you've got a friend). While they were still taking blood, JBB fell asleep, poor love was so tired. I called JourneyMan and he talked to his boss and came over to the hospital at about 4:30pm. JBB slept for quite awhile but my mum and I had not had anything to eat or drink since the coffee when we left home.

The doctors from the ward finally came to see us and said that he had 3.5 markers of Kawasaki disease, they begin treatment at 4 markers. We are still waiting for the blood tests to come back and that is where we stand now. Mum went home at around 7pm, JourneyMan went home and collected some things, brought them in and then went home again to sleep. Since then, it has just been JBB and I. It is now nearly 6am, JBB forced me to have a sleep with him at around 3am because he wouldn't go back to sleep unless I was holding him. The fever keeps on coming back and they have given him a couple of doses of paracetamol. I called the nurse in just before because his breathing had become quite labored, the doctor has assessed him and said he is just a bit congested in his nose, it was not his heart, thank goodness. Now I continue to wait to see what will happen next.

As a personal aside, this week has seen my period come full force and with it high octane cramps. I can still feel the cramps and the exhaustion but it is like it is in a person, sitting next to me, not me, my focus is totally on my boy. I can't believe this is happening. I am not religious but I am spiritual and I am praying, I am praying hard. I am pouring every ounce of love into every caress, every sweet nothing I whisper in his ear and every song I sing. One of the songs that I have sung to him since he was born is 'Stand by Me', I sing it to him to let him know that I will always be there for him. This morning, in the dark and lonely hours, it has become more of a plea to him to 'Stand by Me'.

JBB is One Year Old - an amazing year!!

I was up at 4am this morning, cos that is when JBB woke up. I was up at 4am on this day last year too but that was because I was so excited to meet JBB. It has been an amazing year because of one amazing little guy.

Let's talk about how amazing he is - well firstly, he was the only embryo to survive out of 8 embryos (and 18 eggs collected!!). He got to full term in my half size (or a little bigger my fertility specialist says) unicornuate uterus!! He was healthy when he was born and despite losing a little weight in the hospital he has absolutely thrived. Many people have asked if he is two, he is so tall (like his Dad).

We have had the best fun today. He woke his Dad up at 6am, saying (very loudly) Dadda!! He had a ball in pressie corner - we gave him a plastic hammer and nail set and P.S. - we get the prize for most ill advised first birthday present for a boy, ever!! He got the hang of the hammer straight away and has been hammering the hell out of all of his toys all day!! We also got him some bubble stuff (he thinks that they are fabulous), some punching balloons and pool toy to take to Thailand.

After some lovely play time, he went for a big sleep and then I had to go to the dentist (boooo, I hate the dentist and more on that tomorrow) so JourneyMan's mum came over to babysit him, she was so happy to see him on his birthday. When I got home, I had a coffee (decaffinated of course!!) with JBB's Nanna and then we went around to see my Mum and Dad where he had another pressie corner. My Mum told me that she had a message from her Mum that day. She had been looking through some of Nanna's old holiday books (which she had looked through many times before) and all of a sudden some folded up money fell out of the books - it had been in there since Nanna had had them. So Mum gave the money to JBB for his birthday, she was sure that was Nanna's message to her. We cried when my Mum told me about it - we both miss her so much, especially at this time of year because my birthday is on the 6th of August and both my Mum and Nanna's are on the 7th of August. I have been talking to her lately (when I am in the bathroom, there are some coloured bottles of hers that I talk to - crazy, me?!?!? No!!!), asking for her help for us to be successful in Thailand. I have also been talking my Dad's Mum (my Auntie gave me a big, white bear from her for JBB), she loves little girls, so I have been asking for her help for JBB to have a little sister (not that I care too much because I just want a healthy baby).

Anyway, back to JBB's birthday. He had a little afternoon sleep and since then we have been playing with his balloons, making bubbles and playing peek-a-boo!! I am looking forward to JourneyMan getting home from work so we can have a lovely family dinner and singing happy birthday to the birthday boy (for about the 30th time today!!).

All day, I haven't been able to stop thinking about this day 12 months ago. The fear and excitement of getting to the hospital and having the ceasarean. I can't help but remember the pain of the spinal block, I started crying because it hurt and then couldn't stop crying - I think because of the built up emotion of the past 9 months and really the 3 years before that. I don't think in the pregnancy, I ever really let go of the fear that something would happen. Once I started crying, I couldn't stop and when they let JourneyMan back in and he asked how I was, I started crying harder. Only minutes later I heard JBB cry for the first time (like a little squeaky toy) and the absolute relief and utter joy that hit me caused more floods of tears. His little face as they cleaned the goop off him right in front of me is imprinted in my brain for ever.

After that, I went to recovery and JourneyMan went with JBB - he has shown me the video's since and we watched it again the other night - I can't believe how small he was, I can't believe how much he has grown. I can't believe the miracle of changes, development and learning that happen in front of my eyes every day. On that day though, I saw JBB again wrapped and in the arms of JourneyMan, it was a beautiful sight!! The rest of the day past by in a blur of first breastfeeding and many, many visitors. The feeling of joy and contentment that I felt that day have not gone away.

This message is especially for JBB:

You have changed my life completely. You're smiles make my days happy, your laugh makes my heart overflow with joy, your cries make me want to wrap you up and comfort you forever. The giggles that you have when you falling asleep make me giggle uncontrollably (and also not want to put you to bed!). When you said 'Mummy' for the first time (and every subsequent time!), my heart melted. When you give me kisses, I want to hug you and never let you go! You are so smart, you have learnt so much in such a short time, you are curious about everything and the way that you love other people shows how big a heart you have. You were worth waiting for, my darling, I love every minute we get to be together. Happy Birthday and my this be the first of many, many, many more!!

Massive amounts of information....

Thank you to all of you for your very kind comments and best wishes, I really appreciate it.

My Dad definitely has lung cancer though we don't know what the treatment is going to be. I am worried about my Mum, she is taking it very hard (understandable) and is having trouble keeping myself, my two sisters and brother up to date on what's going on. I have told her that I will do the communicating for her so that she only has to remember to speak to me and I will keep the others informed. We have had a small piece of good news and that is that it is not anywhere else in his body. This week, he goes in to see the oncologist on Wednesday morning and on Wednesday arvo he is being operated on for a hernia (he is having a bad run). We will know more then. It is in my mind every moment of every day. I was talking to him on the phone today and he didn't sound great.

I'm having trouble sleeping because of the information going around in my head. I hope that he is not in pain, it is my overriding thought. The most painful thought is that my darling, sweet boy will most likely not remember him. This is always followed by the fact that Dad is so different from the man we grew up with that JourneyMan didn't even know that guy. It has been hard over the past few years because as pieces of Dad were taken away by the hydrocephallus, it became harder and harder to grieve. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of my old Dad and I started to think that it was harder to see that because I would grieve all over again. Now, everyday I wish for another one, or ten, or a hundred or a thousand.

There was a lovely moment on Friday. I was out to lunch with Mum, Dad, my Auntie and of course JBB. Dad was playing with JBB and put his finger in his mouth and said 'he has a tooth' - I said 'oh really' and felt for myself and sure enough, his little tooth had finally broken through (we had a very bad bout of diarrhea and nappy rash last week). Dad was absolutely stoked that he was the one to find it - I loved it too!! My Auntie took the most beautiful photo of Dad holding JBB, I have looked at it many times over the weekend.

In other news, we have booked in for our next cycle with the same donor that we used for JBB. We leave for Thailand on the 4th of October (I have added a countdown to the blog!!). I told Dad about it the other day, he was really excited for us and kept on saying to JBB - 'you might be getting a new brother or sister soon!', it was lovely. I have had a talk to JourneyMan and Mum about the trip to Thailand and we have all agreed that we have to go ahead with it - the opportunity to use the same donor is only available to us this year and so we really feel that we must take this opportunity while it is offered to us. We are booked in with the clinic and we have also booked our flights. I feel a bit weird about booking our trip and doing all of the research about it when I have Dad to worry about but by the same token, it is a distraction. I know 100% that Dad wants us to do this anyway.

I finally had the mammogram last Wednesday but won't get the results unitl Tuesday. I am hoping it will all be okay. The ultrasound woman seemed to think that it was just a fatty cyst so I am choosing to believe that that is what it is - especially since I get a few of those.

We are also preparing this week to go away for Easter. We are going to country Victoria to watch the Stawell Gift which is Australia's most famous (and I believe richest) foot race. The carnival runs over the whole of the Easter weekend and it is a really nice time. I have started writing a list of massive amounts of stuff that we will have to take with us, I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days.

The final news is about JBB. Gosh this little tyke is growing up quick, he keeps growing out of all of his clothes and this week has been a huge week of progress. He has taken a few crawling steps, he has started standing holding on to things, he got a tooth and he is, as always, the light of our lives. I took him to see JourneyMan play footy (Australian Rules Football) at our local club today and we had a great time!!

Well it is time for me to sign off. I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's blogs, I hope you are all going well.

5 failed IVF cycles rest in peace....

We had a hard road to our son. I thought (as I am sure everyone does) that our first IVF cycle would be a walk in the park and that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant straight away, after all - there was nothing wrong with me, or so we thought. I have documented previously what followed and there is a summary on top of this blog but basically what happened was that the first cycle was cancelled and I was absolutely shocked when this happen, it had not even entered my thoughts. The second cycle I had no eggs at pick up. The third cycle I got one egg that fertilised but did not implant. I had a laparoscopy and found that I have one kidney and two uteruses and mega amounts of endo (they can't get all of it as it is right on my bowell). We took a break and I took DHEA (without consulting my fertility specialist) and I got 6 eggs at pick up, 2 of which fertilised but no implantation. The DHEA caused the endo to run rampant so I had to have another laparoscopy and I also had a lap band put in to lose weight. I lost 45kg's before our 5th cycle in a last ditch attempt to create some good eggs. Alas this was not to be, this cycle was also cancelled.

So, why am I reliving these horrible times? Well because I was chatting to JBB this week and I realised that I am glad that these cycles didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I still wish that JourneyMan and I could have sex at the right time of the month and boom, 9 months later we would have another baby but what I realised that I am grateful down to my bones is that we weren't successful with my eggs because if we were, JBB wouldn't exist. He is a special guy. His laughter can clear away all bad thoughts in my head. His cries of pain (he is teething at the moment) elicit an overflowing of maternal comfort. He is beautiful, he is clever, he is precious.

It feels good for those cycles to not have power over me anymore. There was a lot of grief there. They changed me irrevocably but at the end of the day, their failure brought me the greatest happiness of my life. I don't want to go all kumbaya on your arses but finally I have realised that these cycles that I thought bought me the most sadness in my life, actually opened the door to the greatest happiness.

A boy and his dog

I have been meaning to write about the burgeoning relationship between JBB and JourneyDog for a long time but today there was a cute incident that meant I just had to post about it. Of course in the beginning we did all of the things that you are meant to do when you have a dog and bring home a baby. We played crying babies on utube for JourneyDog to get used to the noise, we put the gate up to JBB's room months earlier so that JourneyDog would be used to not going in there and JourneyMan brought home a blanket from the hospital so that JourneyDog would become familiar with JBB's smell. When I came home with JBB, JourneyDog didn't know quite what to make of this little noisy bundle.

When I would get up for feeds in the middle of the night, JourneyDog would come and sit on my lap, the feeding pillow would go over the top and JBB would go on the pillow - this would happen during the day as well so I think that JourneyDog felt comfortable in the fact that he is still a loved member of the family. He still sleeps in our room and he is always with JBB and I throughout the day. There has not been that much change to his life (though now he knows when JBB is getting fed and sits under the chair waiting for any food to drop - this can be problematic cos getting pumpkin or carrots out of a white woolly coat is a real bitch) and he seems as happy as ever, which makes me very happy because so many people told me that as soon as a baby came along, JourneyDog would be banished to the backyard. I was determined for this not to happen, he was my baby when I wasn't able to have a baby, he comforted me when I was upset, he was there for me to shower love on - how could this love change? It most definitely hasn't - I love him just the same now that I have my beloved JBB.

When JourneyMan and I found out that we were having a boy, we hoped that JBB and JourneyDog would grow to be best mates. We talked about finding JourneyDog snuggled at the bottom of JBB's bed when he was older, we imagined a beautiful friendship between them. It has been touching over these past months to see a relationship developing between these two. One day, I saw a lovely moment when JBB was in his playgym on his tummy and JourneyDog came by. They looked at each other for a moment and JourneyDog started wagging his tail - it made me smile. When JBB goes in his Jolly Jumper, I throw JourneyDog's soft toys for him to run and bring back which makes JBB laugh. When JBB cries, JourneyDog looks at JourneyMan or I in askance as if to say 'the baby is upset, please help him!'. If JourneyDog is sitting on my lap while JBB is asleep and he starts to cry, JourneyDog will get off my lap straight away because he knows that I am going to get him.

Today, JBB was not too happy. He'd had his 6 month immunisations and was a bit out of sorts. He was on the floor playing when he started to cry. I went to go to him but JourneyDog got there first. He gave him a little lick on the cheek to see if it cheered him up and when that didn't work, he went and got his soft toy to play with in front of him, which I can only think was to cheer him up. Sure enough, JBB started to laugh at JourneyDog's antics. It brought tears to my eyes, what a beauty of a dog he is. I hugged them both for a long time (and of course JourneyDog got a little liver treat).

It makes me so happy that both of my little boys are getting along!!

Nature Vs Nurture

This has been on my mind alot lately. Not in any huge way (donor genetics vs my nurturing) but in a thankful, wondering type way.

So what do I mean? Firstly, let me touch wood because I am superstitious and I don't want anything good changing. Okay, wood has been touched. JBB is super dooper easy going. When it is his time to go to bed (he shows me by yawning, and his eyes glazing over), I wrap him up, he sucks on his dummy for about a minute and then he is in snoozeland. When he wakes up in the middle of the night (very rarely - usually only if he is cold), he doesn't bellow at the top of his lungs, he just starts chatting.

If he does cry - he definitely is telling me something, he is hungry, he is hurt, his nappy needs to be changed or he is tired but really, he doesn't cry a great deal. He is generally a pretty serious fellow though and you really have to be entertaining for him to crack a smile or give a giggle. He is completely curious about everything that goes on around him and especially if we go out, he does not like to nap cos he doesn't like to miss anything.

So, I guess I have been wondering - was he just born a cruisey type of little dot or have I done something to help him along that way? The main things that I feel that I bring to the table are:

1. Attentiveness - I am always looking out for what makes him happy, what he likes, what he doesn't like, play with him when he wants to and give him time on his own when he needs it. I give him plenty of hugs, I talk and sing to him as much as possible and I (for the most part) let him dictate how the day will go.

2. Routine - certainly our night routine is down pat, he has a bath with me, his dad dries him off and reads his bedtime stories and then I wrap and settle him for bed. Our days are a little more changeable but he is falling in to a pretty consistent routine.

3. Love & gratitude - there are not enough words to describe how much I love this little mite - every day since he has been in my life has been my best day. My Auntie was holding JBB on Friday and she said that she looked at him and her heart turned over - I know exactly what she meant, I have been brought to tears on many, many occasions since he came into our lives. Some days, JourneyMan and I look at each other wonderingly and talk about how lucky we are.

This is all just conjecture though - in my heart of hearts, I pretty much know that JBB was born a beautifully natured child and all I can hope is that I can nurture his innate gifts into fruition.

He is the gift of my heart.