The posting got slack by the end because I think I have known deep down that this cycle had not worked and this morning, there was confirmation on a FRER with FMU - negative. I am completely numb, I just don't even know what to think. Why didn't this work? I can only blame myself, the main reason beings:
* I didn't lose weight in the lead up to the cycle
* I accidentally took the herbs incorrectly
* I booked the flight to Koh Samui one day earlier than I should have
* I believed it would work because it did last time and I was slacker on the complimentary therapies
I'm sure I can think of many more but those are the main ones.
I don't think that you ever forget how bad a negative cycle is but I think I got so cocky expecting it to be postive that I feel slapped down, very, very hard. I am bracing myself for it but if anyone says to me 'well at least you have JBB' I am going to vomit on them. I have been invited to a lot of things over the next few days - I just don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone about it. I don't even want to talk about our trip, I don't even want to think about the trip anymore and now everyone will want to talk about what we did etc.
For the record, I know that I am lucky to have JBB, I look at him every day and am thankful but this doesn't mean that I can't be upset over this cycle failing.
It is poor JourneyMan's birthday today - I was hoping that he would have a beautiful precious gift but no, instead he gets another freaking cycle failure and and upset and bitter wife, he deserves better.
Sorry for the terrible, self pitying post - I am really beyond words right now.
Showing posts with label Thailand 2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thailand 2. Show all posts
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
2DP5DT - Hello Koh Samui
We had a pretty stressful pre-flight. We queued up and then they told us to go and get JBB a ticket, then we went back and they told me that my name needed to be changed at the ticket counter because it was spelled wrong, so I traipsed back to the ticket counter and then back to the check in counter. JourneyMan took JBB to find a locker because we knew we would be over the baggage limit so we were storing some stuff until our flight home. I finally caught up with them at the other end of a very massive airport and we left our bag and then started to make our way to the gate. Unfortunately, it was up the other end of the airport and by this time, JBB was not happy Jan!!! (Australian reference, apologies to everyone else) The poor thing had only had about 20mins of his morning sleep in the car to the airport so he was seriously tired and cracking it.
The walk to the gate was absolutely crazy - I am sure that it was about 2km's away from where we began and we were rushing because the flight was already boarding. We finally got to the gate and of course, it wasn't boarding at all!! There were no baby change facilities in the toilets so poor JBB got a quick bum change on JourneyMan's knee and we were on the flight. We were dreading the flight because JBB was so tired but thankfully it was only an hour so we managed to keep him amused for the hour without too much protest.
Once we got to Koh Samui though, things changed for the way better!! Basically, we are in paradise. Our hotel is gorgeous, very quiet and funky (it has a red pool!). The weather was absolutely beautiful - sunny with high, white fluffy clouds. I always forget how gorgeously crystal blue and warm the water is!! We had lunch at the restaurant - on a deck overlooking the ocean, honestly, could it get any better? Then we took JBB for a swim in the ocean - he was not sure about it at first but then he came around. We then went into the pool and stayed in for ages. It was sooooo much fun and now it really feels like a holiday!
On the cycle side of things, it has been cramps a go go. I know that I had cramps on the last Thailand go but since the birth of JBB, cramps have been a hugely regular part of my life - unfortunately, so I don't really know what these ones mean, if anything.
Hopefully the sun will still be shining tomorrow and we can enjoy the beauty of our beloved Koh Samui.
The walk to the gate was absolutely crazy - I am sure that it was about 2km's away from where we began and we were rushing because the flight was already boarding. We finally got to the gate and of course, it wasn't boarding at all!! There were no baby change facilities in the toilets so poor JBB got a quick bum change on JourneyMan's knee and we were on the flight. We were dreading the flight because JBB was so tired but thankfully it was only an hour so we managed to keep him amused for the hour without too much protest.
Once we got to Koh Samui though, things changed for the way better!! Basically, we are in paradise. Our hotel is gorgeous, very quiet and funky (it has a red pool!). The weather was absolutely beautiful - sunny with high, white fluffy clouds. I always forget how gorgeously crystal blue and warm the water is!! We had lunch at the restaurant - on a deck overlooking the ocean, honestly, could it get any better? Then we took JBB for a swim in the ocean - he was not sure about it at first but then he came around. We then went into the pool and stayed in for ages. It was sooooo much fun and now it really feels like a holiday!
On the cycle side of things, it has been cramps a go go. I know that I had cramps on the last Thailand go but since the birth of JBB, cramps have been a hugely regular part of my life - unfortunately, so I don't really know what these ones mean, if anything.
Hopefully the sun will still be shining tomorrow and we can enjoy the beauty of our beloved Koh Samui.
1DP5DT - Goodbye Bangkok
Tonight is our last night in Bangkok and tomorrow we are flying to the gorgeous island of Koh Samui. We have been there a couple of times and it is beautiful. I checked the weather and it looks to be better than Bangkok. Speaking of Bangkok, there are the biggest floods of the last 50 years here at the moment, many people have been evacuated from their houses. Our poor patient coordinator is sleeping in her car in the clinic car park it is pretty bad. The centre of Bangers is protected by a flood wall that they believe is going to hold up but if it keeps on raining like it has been, who knows what will happen.
Tomorrow we will be at the beach - JBB has been to the beach before but not that he would remember as he was only 4 months old at the time - I am excited to see how he will respond. The flight is only an hour so hopefully that won't be too bad for little JBB - I tell you, I am already dreading the flight home. It is over night though so I am hoping he will sleep the majority of it - that is a worry for another day now.
This first day post transfer has been pretty boring. I have been mainly just resting, though I did go down to the pool to see JBB and JourneyMan having a swim. This was about half an hour before the torrential rain started which was pretty good timing. Then JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor park to run some of the energy off him. It will be nice to get to Koh Samui - it is more of a villagey type feel rather than a big city so that will be nice. We have shops and restaurants on our doorstep so it is a pretty easy existence. We are also a few steps to the beach which will be lovely.
I am glad to be leaving Bangkok, I always love coming here but we have been here for awhile and it's time to go.
Symptom wise, I have had a dull ache on the lower left hand abdomen which I am hoping is a little emby implanting - could also be my imagination, we will see. Test day is set for 21 October.
Catch in Koh Samui!!
Tomorrow we will be at the beach - JBB has been to the beach before but not that he would remember as he was only 4 months old at the time - I am excited to see how he will respond. The flight is only an hour so hopefully that won't be too bad for little JBB - I tell you, I am already dreading the flight home. It is over night though so I am hoping he will sleep the majority of it - that is a worry for another day now.
This first day post transfer has been pretty boring. I have been mainly just resting, though I did go down to the pool to see JBB and JourneyMan having a swim. This was about half an hour before the torrential rain started which was pretty good timing. Then JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor park to run some of the energy off him. It will be nice to get to Koh Samui - it is more of a villagey type feel rather than a big city so that will be nice. We have shops and restaurants on our doorstep so it is a pretty easy existence. We are also a few steps to the beach which will be lovely.
I am glad to be leaving Bangkok, I always love coming here but we have been here for awhile and it's time to go.
Symptom wise, I have had a dull ache on the lower left hand abdomen which I am hoping is a little emby implanting - could also be my imagination, we will see. Test day is set for 21 October.
Catch in Koh Samui!!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Transfer Day!
Well, I am at the hotel having a nice relax happily reporting that I have a AA Grade hatching blasty nestled in - yay!! Now comes the waiting, the part that I am the worst at.
It was a very good day. JBB has actually slept in to 5:30am the past two mornings (instead of 3am, we are celebrating!!) and we went and had breakfast at 6am as usual. JBB had some big play time and then had his morning nap and it was time to go. I went to have a massage before the transfer and JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor playground. We met up at the clinic and JourneyMan and JBB only stayed until they called me in because I needed to be as relaxed as possible and having little 'perpetual motion' jumping around the joint was just not going to cut it.
I was a bit nervous going in, as apart from the fertilisation report, we hadn't heard any progress on the embryo's. I had been in clinic rooms before and received horrible news such as 'no, there wasn't at pick up'. Even last time, the scary issue of only having one embryo for transfer (not that we would have transferred more than one but it would have been nice to have something for the freezer). When the doctor walked toward me, I felt sick with apprehension, I don't think I could take bad news. It was, however, the very best of news - 6 blastocysts of sufficient quality to freeze. There was one AA (excellent), two A (very good) and 3 AB (good). We have never been in this position before - we have embryo's in the freezer!!
The transfer itself went very well, though it was a bit ouchy with the catheter - booo. I had my hypnosis and subliminal mp3's on the phone so I listened to them to be as relaxed as possible. They then wrapped me up and I had to stay resting for 2 hours. The clinic organized for a car to drive me back to the hotel and I hugged on little JBB hugely, I had missed his little cheeky face all day today. He was in top form.
All of a sudden, I feel very apprehensive. I really, really hope that this works. I hope that my dear little embie burrows in deep.
And now we wait....
It was a very good day. JBB has actually slept in to 5:30am the past two mornings (instead of 3am, we are celebrating!!) and we went and had breakfast at 6am as usual. JBB had some big play time and then had his morning nap and it was time to go. I went to have a massage before the transfer and JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor playground. We met up at the clinic and JourneyMan and JBB only stayed until they called me in because I needed to be as relaxed as possible and having little 'perpetual motion' jumping around the joint was just not going to cut it.
I was a bit nervous going in, as apart from the fertilisation report, we hadn't heard any progress on the embryo's. I had been in clinic rooms before and received horrible news such as 'no, there wasn't at pick up'. Even last time, the scary issue of only having one embryo for transfer (not that we would have transferred more than one but it would have been nice to have something for the freezer). When the doctor walked toward me, I felt sick with apprehension, I don't think I could take bad news. It was, however, the very best of news - 6 blastocysts of sufficient quality to freeze. There was one AA (excellent), two A (very good) and 3 AB (good). We have never been in this position before - we have embryo's in the freezer!!
The transfer itself went very well, though it was a bit ouchy with the catheter - booo. I had my hypnosis and subliminal mp3's on the phone so I listened to them to be as relaxed as possible. They then wrapped me up and I had to stay resting for 2 hours. The clinic organized for a car to drive me back to the hotel and I hugged on little JBB hugely, I had missed his little cheeky face all day today. He was in top form.
All of a sudden, I feel very apprehensive. I really, really hope that this works. I hope that my dear little embie burrows in deep.
And now we wait....
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Lazy Days in Bangkok
Not much to report here. I am trying to keep up with the medication - there are so many, even more than last time:
Prog.ynova X 3 per day
Crin.one X 1 per day
Duph.aston X 2 per day
Pred.isolone X 2 per day
Added to this I have the chinese herbs twice a day and honestly, the alarm on my phone is going off all day.
The weather has been very hot, rainy and stormy over the weekend. JBB has not been impressed with the big claps of thunder but we have still be able to get to the pool in breaks in the weather. He started out quite wary of the pool but he is loving it more and more each day. All we have really done for the past couple of days is swim, watch JBB play in the outdoor area and do a little shopping.
Time is going very quickly, I am looking forward to the transfer but am trying to savor our time together. We ventured out to the Aquarium today but it was so busy that we decided to wait and go tomorrow when it first opens so it will hopefully not be as frantic as it was today. We took JBB to an indoor playground and my goodness it was like the Lord of the Flies in there. He got doofed on the head by a swinging padded bag, he got stepped on my an over zealous kid and overall, I think he was a bit overwhelmed - he did crack me up though because he would say 'ooooooohhhh' every time he saw something.
JBB has had some grumpy pants on over the past couple of days, he is not getting enough sleep so he is getting cranky. He is also still waking up at 3am every night, though sometimes he goes back to sleep (generally for JourneyMan but not me - **sigh**) but sometimes will stay awake.
The plans are coming together for the transfer. We will leave to go to the clinic at about 12pm on Tuesday. I will have a massage beforehand and hopefully will be as relaxed as possible. JourneyMan is going to take JBB home once I go in because he is a bit to raucous!! I have brought my transfer outfit - I did the same thing last time as well.
Well, it's off to the Aquarium tomorrow and then I need to get some pressies for people - better get to bed cos I'll be up at 3am.
Prog.ynova X 3 per day
Crin.one X 1 per day
Duph.aston X 2 per day
Pred.isolone X 2 per day
Added to this I have the chinese herbs twice a day and honestly, the alarm on my phone is going off all day.
The weather has been very hot, rainy and stormy over the weekend. JBB has not been impressed with the big claps of thunder but we have still be able to get to the pool in breaks in the weather. He started out quite wary of the pool but he is loving it more and more each day. All we have really done for the past couple of days is swim, watch JBB play in the outdoor area and do a little shopping.
Time is going very quickly, I am looking forward to the transfer but am trying to savor our time together. We ventured out to the Aquarium today but it was so busy that we decided to wait and go tomorrow when it first opens so it will hopefully not be as frantic as it was today. We took JBB to an indoor playground and my goodness it was like the Lord of the Flies in there. He got doofed on the head by a swinging padded bag, he got stepped on my an over zealous kid and overall, I think he was a bit overwhelmed - he did crack me up though because he would say 'ooooooohhhh' every time he saw something.
JBB has had some grumpy pants on over the past couple of days, he is not getting enough sleep so he is getting cranky. He is also still waking up at 3am every night, though sometimes he goes back to sleep (generally for JourneyMan but not me - **sigh**) but sometimes will stay awake.
The plans are coming together for the transfer. We will leave to go to the clinic at about 12pm on Tuesday. I will have a massage beforehand and hopefully will be as relaxed as possible. JourneyMan is going to take JBB home once I go in because he is a bit to raucous!! I have brought my transfer outfit - I did the same thing last time as well.
Well, it's off to the Aquarium tomorrow and then I need to get some pressies for people - better get to bed cos I'll be up at 3am.
Friday, October 7, 2011
We have embryo's - 13 of them!!
The fertilisation report is in and we have 13 embryo's, this is compared to 8 last time so I am very happy. There were only 18 mature eggs so that was a pretty good rate I believe. I feel pretty good about the whole situation. I find it very hard not to compare this cycle with the last one and one of the things that I have realised is that last time, I was able to relax pretty well before the cycle through massages and plenty of sleep and all of that but I am definitely not relaxing as much this time as last time though. However, this time I am way, way happier than I was that last cycle.
This was illustrated yesterday when JourneyMan, JBB and I went investigating a Thai massage. Our intention was to both have a massage separately once JBB was in bed so that one of us could be with him at all times. When we got there, they convinced us to have a massage together and JBB could be in the room. Honestly, it was one of the funniest experiences I've ever had. I think I have mentioned before that a Thai massage is a combination of a massage and a yoga class - I love them!! Anyway, picture this: JourneyMan and I have changed into traditional Thai gear and are lying on the massage mats on the floor in a beautifully restful Thai spa room. Then add in one little hurricane that we call JBB and it wasn't the most relaxing massage I have ever had in my life. At one point, he found a box and put it on my face, throughout the whole time he was climbing all over us, pushing anything that he could find around the room, trying to massage us, talking to the Thai masseuse ladies (who adored him) and screaming in delight at the top of his lungs. As I say, I didn't walk out of the room completely relaxed but I did walk out of there completely happy.
Today, I went for another massage (foot reflexology and back and shoulder) and JourneyMan took JBB shopping. When I got back (completely relaxed this time!!) I found JBB in a shirt with a picture of Papa Smurf on it with a caption - I Heart Papa. I was laughing for a while because it is a pretty cool shirt but I was happy for JourneyMan because JBB has plenty of shirts that say things like 'my heart belongs to mum', 'I dig my mum' etc (incidentally, I have only bought him one of these tops, he has been given all of the others) and JourneyMan has often complained that there are no shirts around saying 'I love my Dad' - they all tend to say, 'my dad loves me'. So JourneyMan is all chuffed with JBB's shirt and I can see JBB wearing it a lot in the future..
We finished off the day with a swim in the pool and some pants off time for JBB on the outdoor deck in our room. Yesterday, pants off time (he's got a bit of nappy rash and we want to let the air onto his bum) ended abruptly when JBB squatted down to leave a poo on the decking. I was taking a picture of him at the time - though had accidentally hit the video button and we now have it captured for all time. I'm saying we will use it for JBB's 21st birthday party but JourneyMan refuses - I have to admit, I don't think I could be that cruel. Gosh we laughed though and crazily enough, these moments mean as much to me as the beautiful ones when JBB comes to give me a hug or a kiss. These are the intimate moments that no-one else sees, these are the moments that make our family. Honestly, I am having the time of my life, poop deck and all!!
This was illustrated yesterday when JourneyMan, JBB and I went investigating a Thai massage. Our intention was to both have a massage separately once JBB was in bed so that one of us could be with him at all times. When we got there, they convinced us to have a massage together and JBB could be in the room. Honestly, it was one of the funniest experiences I've ever had. I think I have mentioned before that a Thai massage is a combination of a massage and a yoga class - I love them!! Anyway, picture this: JourneyMan and I have changed into traditional Thai gear and are lying on the massage mats on the floor in a beautifully restful Thai spa room. Then add in one little hurricane that we call JBB and it wasn't the most relaxing massage I have ever had in my life. At one point, he found a box and put it on my face, throughout the whole time he was climbing all over us, pushing anything that he could find around the room, trying to massage us, talking to the Thai masseuse ladies (who adored him) and screaming in delight at the top of his lungs. As I say, I didn't walk out of the room completely relaxed but I did walk out of there completely happy.
Today, I went for another massage (foot reflexology and back and shoulder) and JourneyMan took JBB shopping. When I got back (completely relaxed this time!!) I found JBB in a shirt with a picture of Papa Smurf on it with a caption - I Heart Papa. I was laughing for a while because it is a pretty cool shirt but I was happy for JourneyMan because JBB has plenty of shirts that say things like 'my heart belongs to mum', 'I dig my mum' etc (incidentally, I have only bought him one of these tops, he has been given all of the others) and JourneyMan has often complained that there are no shirts around saying 'I love my Dad' - they all tend to say, 'my dad loves me'. So JourneyMan is all chuffed with JBB's shirt and I can see JBB wearing it a lot in the future..
We finished off the day with a swim in the pool and some pants off time for JBB on the outdoor deck in our room. Yesterday, pants off time (he's got a bit of nappy rash and we want to let the air onto his bum) ended abruptly when JBB squatted down to leave a poo on the decking. I was taking a picture of him at the time - though had accidentally hit the video button and we now have it captured for all time. I'm saying we will use it for JBB's 21st birthday party but JourneyMan refuses - I have to admit, I don't think I could be that cruel. Gosh we laughed though and crazily enough, these moments mean as much to me as the beautiful ones when JBB comes to give me a hug or a kiss. These are the intimate moments that no-one else sees, these are the moments that make our family. Honestly, I am having the time of my life, poop deck and all!!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
36 Eggs, what the!?!?
You read that right, yes, 36 eggs!! I was in total shock and this is double what the donor had last time. The doctor has said that this should result in 6 excellent quality blastocysts. I really hope that there will be some fabulous quality embryo's and that one will hang on for dear life.
It has been a very good day, one that I will always remember. It started out a bit shaky because we got on the wrong train as well as getting lost in the building that the clinic is in. Finally we got there and surprisingly enough, didn't get the greeting that we were expecting. So far, everywhere that we go, JBB has been treated like a celebrity - everyone wants to greet him, hold him, play with him and let me tell you, he is not minding the attention!! However, when we go to the clinic, we didn't see anyone that we knew and they didn't seem to know that we had an appointment. We also thought that there would be some excitement to see JBB but it was all a bit puzzling.
Finally, after a bit (and I must confess here, it was about two minutes) our patient coordinator came rushing to us with big hugs and exclamations about JBB. Phew, we were in the right place!! Immediately, JourneyMan was rushed off to produce his sample and I know we are juvenile but we had a little snicker when he got back. Throughout the morning, we had blood tests, I had the lovely vaginal scan (ah, my old friend, I have not missed your cold embrace) and then had a chat to the doctor. My lining measured 10mm which I believe is pretty good so I think it is all looking okay right now. The doctor had just come back from a conference in Melbourne (our home town) and he also met our fertility specialist whilst there - it truly is a small world!!
The best part of the day then happened. The donor came toward me and I recognized her face immediately because it is the face of my beautiful JBB whose face I know every millimeter of intimately. It was a truly moving moment, she walked into my arms for an embrace and the love and thanks that I feel for this gorgeous woman is overwhelming. That embrace was a truly special moment and I couldn't ask for a more special woman to be the donor of our JBB (and hopefully JBBS). She then saw JBB and pointed at his face and then at her own. I had tears in my eyes and still do now. We all sat down for a chat and she held JBB and played with him. We had many photos and she also wanted photos of all of us but of course, especially, JBB. She speaks English pretty well but there were some difficulties, our patient coordinator needed to translate some things. JourneyMan wanted to thank her especially for JBB but also for helping to see if he could have a full blood sibling.
There were some base emotions there for me as well and whilst love and thankfulness topped the list, there was also a slight feeling of wariness, no actually, more like watchelfullness. I wanted to see JBB's reaction, would there be an instant rapport because of biology and at one point there I had a momentary intake of breathe when JBB reached out to touch the donor's face. After a while, JBB got sick of playing and put his arms our to come back to me and I exhaled, of course I am his mum, no question.
I was able to give the present from my mum to her and when I was explaining to the donor about what JBB means to my family, I really started crying and we hugged. I didn't want the moment to end, it was beautiful.
A very, very good day.
It has been a very good day, one that I will always remember. It started out a bit shaky because we got on the wrong train as well as getting lost in the building that the clinic is in. Finally we got there and surprisingly enough, didn't get the greeting that we were expecting. So far, everywhere that we go, JBB has been treated like a celebrity - everyone wants to greet him, hold him, play with him and let me tell you, he is not minding the attention!! However, when we go to the clinic, we didn't see anyone that we knew and they didn't seem to know that we had an appointment. We also thought that there would be some excitement to see JBB but it was all a bit puzzling.
Finally, after a bit (and I must confess here, it was about two minutes) our patient coordinator came rushing to us with big hugs and exclamations about JBB. Phew, we were in the right place!! Immediately, JourneyMan was rushed off to produce his sample and I know we are juvenile but we had a little snicker when he got back. Throughout the morning, we had blood tests, I had the lovely vaginal scan (ah, my old friend, I have not missed your cold embrace) and then had a chat to the doctor. My lining measured 10mm which I believe is pretty good so I think it is all looking okay right now. The doctor had just come back from a conference in Melbourne (our home town) and he also met our fertility specialist whilst there - it truly is a small world!!
The best part of the day then happened. The donor came toward me and I recognized her face immediately because it is the face of my beautiful JBB whose face I know every millimeter of intimately. It was a truly moving moment, she walked into my arms for an embrace and the love and thanks that I feel for this gorgeous woman is overwhelming. That embrace was a truly special moment and I couldn't ask for a more special woman to be the donor of our JBB (and hopefully JBBS). She then saw JBB and pointed at his face and then at her own. I had tears in my eyes and still do now. We all sat down for a chat and she held JBB and played with him. We had many photos and she also wanted photos of all of us but of course, especially, JBB. She speaks English pretty well but there were some difficulties, our patient coordinator needed to translate some things. JourneyMan wanted to thank her especially for JBB but also for helping to see if he could have a full blood sibling.
There were some base emotions there for me as well and whilst love and thankfulness topped the list, there was also a slight feeling of wariness, no actually, more like watchelfullness. I wanted to see JBB's reaction, would there be an instant rapport because of biology and at one point there I had a momentary intake of breathe when JBB reached out to touch the donor's face. After a while, JBB got sick of playing and put his arms our to come back to me and I exhaled, of course I am his mum, no question.
I was able to give the present from my mum to her and when I was explaining to the donor about what JBB means to my family, I really started crying and we hugged. I didn't want the moment to end, it was beautiful.
A very, very good day.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
15 Follicles!!
So we have arrived in Thailand and the flight was okay. JBB slept for about 3 hours on the 9 hour flight and then only for about 3 hours over night so we are all a bit tired and cranky.
We've had a swim this morning and a beautiful breakfast so we are all feeling a bit better now.
We have had word from the clinic and the donor has 15 good size follicles and she will be having the pick up tomorrow at 8:30am. We will be at the clinic tomorrow and I hope that we will get to meet the donor again and get some pics with JBB. We also have the gift for her from my mum.
Today is going to be all about getting organised and hopefully getting all of us onto Bangkok time.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
We are at the airport!!
In the Qantas business lounge if you don't mind!!
We had a lovely time last night with JourneyMan's family and thankfully we all had a great sleep last night!! I went to acupuncture this morning and stocked up on the herbs for before and after transfer and we got a few last minute things done and then my Mum took us out to the airport.
The drive to the airport (about 45mins) was a bit trying as JBB was over the car in about 20mins - this does not bode well for the 9 hour flight in front of us!! We had express check in because we are flying Jetstar business class (we are very happy with it so far!!) and got through security and customs without a hitch. I had read up on all of the fluid rules and everything like that and had packed everything so I could whip it out and they could check everything as we went through.
We are now waiting for our flight to be called in the Qantas Business club lounge. JBB is having a spot to eat and we are letting him run rampant around the lounge (thankfully there are not many people around) to see if we can tucker him out before we take him on the flight.
I have been dreading the airport and the flight but so far the airport has been great. JBB just wants to have a look at everything, he is having a wow of a time. The biggest test will be the flight - wish us luck (and a sleepy baby!!).
Monday, October 3, 2011
1 More Sleep!!
It is getting very exciting people!! Holy moly though, I am super duper tired because JBB woke up at 3am this morning and then I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am a bit of a walking zombie!! Luckily, I have my checklists to go through tonight to make sure that we have everything organised for the trip.
I am just about to finish up with work so that I can get home to get the finishing touches done on the packing and the cleaning – though I am tempted to leave JBB with my Mum for an extra hour and sneak in a small sleep – I don’t think that she would be that impressed though. She keeps on telling him how much she is going to miss him though so perhaps I would get away with it!!
I wonder how this cycle will go. I kind of think that if it worked last time, it should work this time, right? Who knows though, we should know in 18 days – wow, that doesn’t even seem that long away!! Plus, those are some nice, fun days of no work, no cleaning and no cooking – a big huzzah to that my friends!!
I am really excited to be spending the next few weeks exclusively with JourneyMan and JBB – it should be a really fun time. We have been to Bangkok a few times so we have agreed that there won’t be that much sight seeing. I am looking forward to taking JBB to the Aquarium though!! There will be a lot of time spent by the pool playing with JBB and relaxing!! I am sure that I will be able to get a few Thai massages as well – heaven!! Koh Samui will be all about lazing on the beach though I think we are going to hire a car to go to the waterfalls one of the days so that should be nice.
We will have technology at our fingertips while we are away, so I will be posting about every time we dip a toe in the water – okay, so maybe not every time we go in the water but pretty often I think – I find it good to keep my thoughts together!!
25 hours till we leave people!!
I am just about to finish up with work so that I can get home to get the finishing touches done on the packing and the cleaning – though I am tempted to leave JBB with my Mum for an extra hour and sneak in a small sleep – I don’t think that she would be that impressed though. She keeps on telling him how much she is going to miss him though so perhaps I would get away with it!!
I wonder how this cycle will go. I kind of think that if it worked last time, it should work this time, right? Who knows though, we should know in 18 days – wow, that doesn’t even seem that long away!! Plus, those are some nice, fun days of no work, no cleaning and no cooking – a big huzzah to that my friends!!
I am really excited to be spending the next few weeks exclusively with JourneyMan and JBB – it should be a really fun time. We have been to Bangkok a few times so we have agreed that there won’t be that much sight seeing. I am looking forward to taking JBB to the Aquarium though!! There will be a lot of time spent by the pool playing with JBB and relaxing!! I am sure that I will be able to get a few Thai massages as well – heaven!! Koh Samui will be all about lazing on the beach though I think we are going to hire a car to go to the waterfalls one of the days so that should be nice.
We will have technology at our fingertips while we are away, so I will be posting about every time we dip a toe in the water – okay, so maybe not every time we go in the water but pretty often I think – I find it good to keep my thoughts together!!
25 hours till we leave people!!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Two more sleeps!
Huzzah!! The football is over and my team lost, which is disappointing but also a great relief that it is all done and dusted.
Can you believe that there are only two more sleeps until we go? I am really excited about getting this show on the road now and my motivation has come roaring back this morning. We are almost packed, just the last minute items plus some cleaning to do. I was up early this morning because I couldn't get back to sleep once I realized it was only 2 more sleeps to go.
We are going over to my mum and dads place today to catch up with all of my family, then both JourneyMan and I are working tomorrow and then we are going to have dinner at his mum and dads place and then, bam we are leaving on Tuesday. Our flight is at 3pm on Tuesday and I am hoping that JBB will sleep at least a few hours. The flight is probably my biggest concern, along with the time changes. I am expecting the flight to be pretty tough but I think that once we get to Thailand, we will be able to cope with any non sleeping etc because at least we don't have to get up for work!!
Yay, I feel good now. Despite the fact that I am nervous about the cycle, I am focussing in the time that we will be able to spend as a family!!
Can you believe that there are only two more sleeps until we go? I am really excited about getting this show on the road now and my motivation has come roaring back this morning. We are almost packed, just the last minute items plus some cleaning to do. I was up early this morning because I couldn't get back to sleep once I realized it was only 2 more sleeps to go.
We are going over to my mum and dads place today to catch up with all of my family, then both JourneyMan and I are working tomorrow and then we are going to have dinner at his mum and dads place and then, bam we are leaving on Tuesday. Our flight is at 3pm on Tuesday and I am hoping that JBB will sleep at least a few hours. The flight is probably my biggest concern, along with the time changes. I am expecting the flight to be pretty tough but I think that once we get to Thailand, we will be able to cope with any non sleeping etc because at least we don't have to get up for work!!
Yay, I feel good now. Despite the fact that I am nervous about the cycle, I am focussing in the time that we will be able to spend as a family!!
Friday, September 30, 2011
4 More Sleeps!
Holy cow, where did those 3 days go, time is roaring by. I have hit the wall motivation wise. I am sure it will come back but at the moment, I am so exhausted, I haven't followed the schedule that I had set out for myself. It is not a big deal because I already was pretty organised but still, it would be good to get everything done.
One of the other factors for the past few days is that the prog.ynova has been causing quite bad cramps for the past four days. It is a tough thing to deal with day in and day out. After the last laparoscopy a couple of months ago, the pain had become manageable and I was thinking that if we are lucky enough to have another baby as a result of this cycle that I might be able to live with the pain rather than have the recommended hysterectomy. The cramps over this past week has reminded my why I was contemplating that as an option, though that is a decision for a much later date.
On the positive side of things, JBB has hit the accelerator and in the past two days has gone from cruising around, occassionally taking a step or two on his own to walking around everywhere, standing up on his own without holding on to anything and today, starting running - looks like we are going to get some exercise in Thailand!!
On top of all of that, my town Melbourne is in the midst of football finals fever with the grand final being tomorrow. My team is in it and I am lucky enough to be going. I love my footy but seriously, I just want the game over with so we can move on to the main event of Thailand. It has been a great distraction but I want to get my mind back onto Thailand full time.
Not long now!!
One of the other factors for the past few days is that the prog.ynova has been causing quite bad cramps for the past four days. It is a tough thing to deal with day in and day out. After the last laparoscopy a couple of months ago, the pain had become manageable and I was thinking that if we are lucky enough to have another baby as a result of this cycle that I might be able to live with the pain rather than have the recommended hysterectomy. The cramps over this past week has reminded my why I was contemplating that as an option, though that is a decision for a much later date.
On the positive side of things, JBB has hit the accelerator and in the past two days has gone from cruising around, occassionally taking a step or two on his own to walking around everywhere, standing up on his own without holding on to anything and today, starting running - looks like we are going to get some exercise in Thailand!!
On top of all of that, my town Melbourne is in the midst of football finals fever with the grand final being tomorrow. My team is in it and I am lucky enough to be going. I love my footy but seriously, I just want the game over with so we can move on to the main event of Thailand. It has been a great distraction but I want to get my mind back onto Thailand full time.
Not long now!!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
7 More Sleeps – this time next week!!!
This time next week we will be in the plane – whoo hooo!!!
Wow, only a week until we go and thankfully, it is whizzing by and if non-stressing and having fun is the key for this cycle to work, we are well on track, people!! I am having a good week, the cleaning is getting done, the ‘to do’ lists are getting crossed off and because my team is in the Grand Final, I am having a great time being involved in some little extra fun things. The one small fly in the ointment is that JBB is now waking up at 2-3am every night again, so I am super duper tired (back to giving myself a slap to keep awake on the drive to and from work which is not good). I figure though that I should be able to catch up on a few zzz’s in Thailand – I am hoping anyway (you know what they say about the best laid plans?).
JBB is having a great time this week, he didn’t go to daycare yesterday as we decided to keep him out to try and keep him from getting sick before we go. He was with JourneyMan’s Mum all day yesterday and then again this morning. In the afternoon, my Mum picked him up to spend some time with him and then she has him on Thursday as well. Tomorrow we are going to hang out and pack the bags - though JBB’s version of packing the bags is waiting for me to put everything in and then promptly pulling it all out. We probably will pop up to the park as well for a bit of outdoor fun.
I am feeling very organised and that things are working out very well. I have had a few things that I have forgotten but because I started packing and getting organised a few weeks ago, I am not stressed about it, I just get it done and move on.
I am hoping that my positivity and excitement are not hubris in disguise – can you be stressed about having nothing to stress about? Oh yes, that is called, being a drama queen!!
Wow, only a week until we go and thankfully, it is whizzing by and if non-stressing and having fun is the key for this cycle to work, we are well on track, people!! I am having a good week, the cleaning is getting done, the ‘to do’ lists are getting crossed off and because my team is in the Grand Final, I am having a great time being involved in some little extra fun things. The one small fly in the ointment is that JBB is now waking up at 2-3am every night again, so I am super duper tired (back to giving myself a slap to keep awake on the drive to and from work which is not good). I figure though that I should be able to catch up on a few zzz’s in Thailand – I am hoping anyway (you know what they say about the best laid plans?).
JBB is having a great time this week, he didn’t go to daycare yesterday as we decided to keep him out to try and keep him from getting sick before we go. He was with JourneyMan’s Mum all day yesterday and then again this morning. In the afternoon, my Mum picked him up to spend some time with him and then she has him on Thursday as well. Tomorrow we are going to hang out and pack the bags - though JBB’s version of packing the bags is waiting for me to put everything in and then promptly pulling it all out. We probably will pop up to the park as well for a bit of outdoor fun.
I am feeling very organised and that things are working out very well. I have had a few things that I have forgotten but because I started packing and getting organised a few weeks ago, I am not stressed about it, I just get it done and move on.
I am hoping that my positivity and excitement are not hubris in disguise – can you be stressed about having nothing to stress about? Oh yes, that is called, being a drama queen!!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
9 more sleeps!!
We have reached the single digit countdown people, hurrah!!!
It has been a good weekend. I went to the Footy on Friday night and then spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with JBB, JourneyMan and JourneyDog. JBB has been sick with diarrhea all weekend the poor love and for the first time, we have had a pooh in the bath incident. JourneyMan was with him when he did it and the calm voice that I heard casually asked 'what do we do about a pooh in the bath situation', I cracked up and went to help. JourneyMan went deep into the daddy trenches and cleaned the pooh out of the bath while I cleaned off JBB and dressed him for bed.
He has had a bit of a rough trot of late, teething, cold and diarrhea, I hope he gets better soon and stays well for Thailand. He has had pretty bad nappy rash as well which is to be expected but we have managed to clear that up pretty quickly and his little bottom is way better now.
Good news too on the period, it has come today so I start the prog.ynova tomorrow 3 times a day. Thank you very much to those of you who helped out with an AF dance, I really appreciate it!
Back to work tomorrow and a big list of things to do this week for preparation! I am super excited (still a little scared, but 90% excited!)
Hopefully this week will go quick.
It has been a good weekend. I went to the Footy on Friday night and then spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with JBB, JourneyMan and JourneyDog. JBB has been sick with diarrhea all weekend the poor love and for the first time, we have had a pooh in the bath incident. JourneyMan was with him when he did it and the calm voice that I heard casually asked 'what do we do about a pooh in the bath situation', I cracked up and went to help. JourneyMan went deep into the daddy trenches and cleaned the pooh out of the bath while I cleaned off JBB and dressed him for bed.
He has had a bit of a rough trot of late, teething, cold and diarrhea, I hope he gets better soon and stays well for Thailand. He has had pretty bad nappy rash as well which is to be expected but we have managed to clear that up pretty quickly and his little bottom is way better now.
Good news too on the period, it has come today so I start the prog.ynova tomorrow 3 times a day. Thank you very much to those of you who helped out with an AF dance, I really appreciate it!
Back to work tomorrow and a big list of things to do this week for preparation! I am super excited (still a little scared, but 90% excited!)
Hopefully this week will go quick.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
10 more sleeps, the countdown begins!
So, we are now into the countdown, only 10 more sleeps and we will be heading off to Thailand. I'm so excited, I can't wait until we go.
There is one phrase that strikes anger, frustration and annoyance into the hearts of most IFers and that is 'just relax'. The annoying part of it all is that I am trying to be as stress free as possible in the lead up and so far (touch wood), I have been cruising along pretty well. In contrast to last time, my job is relatively stress free, which makes life a lot easier. I am also pretty organized so we are ticking along great.
The only fly in the ointment is that my period was due today and, what a surprise, she is nowhere to be seen. I really hope that this is not going to derail the cycle. I had acupuncture this morning and she did some points to bring on the period so hopefully it is coming vey very soon.
People, if you could do an AF dance for me, I would be most appreciative!!
There is one phrase that strikes anger, frustration and annoyance into the hearts of most IFers and that is 'just relax'. The annoying part of it all is that I am trying to be as stress free as possible in the lead up and so far (touch wood), I have been cruising along pretty well. In contrast to last time, my job is relatively stress free, which makes life a lot easier. I am also pretty organized so we are ticking along great.
The only fly in the ointment is that my period was due today and, what a surprise, she is nowhere to be seen. I really hope that this is not going to derail the cycle. I had acupuncture this morning and she did some points to bring on the period so hopefully it is coming vey very soon.
People, if you could do an AF dance for me, I would be most appreciative!!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
My wonderful Mum
I wanted to relate a story about my Mum as it illustrates the kind of woman that she is. Originally, we were hoping for Mum to be able to come with us to Thailand because she has had a lot to deal with since my Dad has been sick and not just the cancer of recent months but mainly the hydrocephalus. He has turned into a person that we barely know and at the moment, despite the fact that he has been given the all clear by the doctors that the cancer is gone and that he has recovered well physically, he spends most days in bed all day asking my Mum to get everything for him and do everything for him. As a result of the hydrocephalus, he is also paranoid all the time and quite aggressive.
Anyway, so we had wanted her to come to Thailand with us, mainly so that she could have a break (no cooking, no cleaning, lots of spa treatments, she would have been a new woman). But with Dad as he is, she cannot even contemplate it at the moment. She also has to take him to many, many appointments each week and make many calls to the council and other agencies for help and follow up. She also takes care of JBB one day a week and is invariably helping out my brother and two sisters at times as well.
Anyway, this was just to illustrate how much she has going on at the moment. She is hugely generous with her time and love and has always been there for all of us. She had a hard time when I was going through the end on end failed cycles – she was there for me to cry on her shoulder but she has since confessed how frustrated she was that she couldn’t do anything to help.
A few weeks ago, she asked if she could buy a gift for the donor. As the donor had provided the gift of all gifts to us, so my lovely Mum wanted to buy her a little something. This is just how she is. I told a few girlfriends about this and they were quick to acknowledge ‘that is just typical M’. Yesterday we went to the shops and had lunch and had a look around for a gift for the donor. We settled on a silver fob bracelet with 2 hearts on it. We are going to write a card for her and ask someone at the hotel to write out the translation for us so that she will have it in Thai (she does not speak any English).
I love it that she wanted to thank the donor personally – that is my Mum, she is a wonderful, wonderful person and a fabulous mother!!
Anyway, so we had wanted her to come to Thailand with us, mainly so that she could have a break (no cooking, no cleaning, lots of spa treatments, she would have been a new woman). But with Dad as he is, she cannot even contemplate it at the moment. She also has to take him to many, many appointments each week and make many calls to the council and other agencies for help and follow up. She also takes care of JBB one day a week and is invariably helping out my brother and two sisters at times as well.
Anyway, this was just to illustrate how much she has going on at the moment. She is hugely generous with her time and love and has always been there for all of us. She had a hard time when I was going through the end on end failed cycles – she was there for me to cry on her shoulder but she has since confessed how frustrated she was that she couldn’t do anything to help.
A few weeks ago, she asked if she could buy a gift for the donor. As the donor had provided the gift of all gifts to us, so my lovely Mum wanted to buy her a little something. This is just how she is. I told a few girlfriends about this and they were quick to acknowledge ‘that is just typical M’. Yesterday we went to the shops and had lunch and had a look around for a gift for the donor. We settled on a silver fob bracelet with 2 hearts on it. We are going to write a card for her and ask someone at the hotel to write out the translation for us so that she will have it in Thai (she does not speak any English).
I love it that she wanted to thank the donor personally – that is my Mum, she is a wonderful, wonderful person and a fabulous mother!!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Time flying!
As the ticker says, it is 18 days until we leave for Thailand, wow!! I'm not exactly sure where the time is going but in the midst of all of our preparations, we have had some sleeping trouble with JBB. We had always been pretty lucky with JBB, he has tended to be a good sleeper, sleeping through the night from about 12 weeks and apart from a few nights here or there when he was sick or teething, he continued on that way until a couple of months ago.
I don't know how it happened but two months sped by without me really realizing what was going on. I know that's probably hard to believe but it is actually true. There have been a couple of contributing factors, he has been sick and teething on and off but on Wednesday night, I realized that it had been two months of getting up with him anywhere from 2-5am. Over that time we have done almost everything wrong, fed him in the middle of the night, brought him into our bed, rocked him back to sleep etc. Honestly, it is tough not to do those things when you are absolutely and utterly bone tired.
On Wednesday night, I got it into my sleep addled mind that we would give controlled crying a try (stupidly, I had done no research and decided on the spur of the moment, der!!). So I proceeded to let the poor darling cry, going into his room at longer and longer intervals. This did not work and he ended up crying for nearly 2 hours. I'm horrified with myself and feel terrible about how poor JBB must have felt. In desperation, I sent an SOS out to all of my girlfriends with babies asking for advice and they all contributed their thoughts. The 2 things I have realized is that firstly, he could be cold (thinking about my poor gorgeous little boy crying for all that time because he was cold makes me feel physically Ill and secondly, that we had not been as rigid with his routine over the past few months which has probably created some anxiety for him.
Last night, we reinstituted his bedtime routine and we allowed him to go to bed and settle himself, which he did with barely a protest and we left the heater on overnight because it has been quite cold. He slept from 7am to 5am which is pretty good. I am also changing his routine a bit during he day to see if that will also help, so far so good. We are going to focus on a nice familiar routine over the next couple of weeks and we will keep it going whilst in Thailand so we can give JBB that level of familiarity and comfort.
It hasn't escaped my notice that in my zeal to be as prepared and organized as possible for Thailand, I have let some of the fundamentals slip, no more, I tell you, I want JBB to be back to feeling safe and secure and all of us to be a bit more well rested. It is back to the routines now!!
I don't know how it happened but two months sped by without me really realizing what was going on. I know that's probably hard to believe but it is actually true. There have been a couple of contributing factors, he has been sick and teething on and off but on Wednesday night, I realized that it had been two months of getting up with him anywhere from 2-5am. Over that time we have done almost everything wrong, fed him in the middle of the night, brought him into our bed, rocked him back to sleep etc. Honestly, it is tough not to do those things when you are absolutely and utterly bone tired.
On Wednesday night, I got it into my sleep addled mind that we would give controlled crying a try (stupidly, I had done no research and decided on the spur of the moment, der!!). So I proceeded to let the poor darling cry, going into his room at longer and longer intervals. This did not work and he ended up crying for nearly 2 hours. I'm horrified with myself and feel terrible about how poor JBB must have felt. In desperation, I sent an SOS out to all of my girlfriends with babies asking for advice and they all contributed their thoughts. The 2 things I have realized is that firstly, he could be cold (thinking about my poor gorgeous little boy crying for all that time because he was cold makes me feel physically Ill and secondly, that we had not been as rigid with his routine over the past few months which has probably created some anxiety for him.
Last night, we reinstituted his bedtime routine and we allowed him to go to bed and settle himself, which he did with barely a protest and we left the heater on overnight because it has been quite cold. He slept from 7am to 5am which is pretty good. I am also changing his routine a bit during he day to see if that will also help, so far so good. We are going to focus on a nice familiar routine over the next couple of weeks and we will keep it going whilst in Thailand so we can give JBB that level of familiarity and comfort.
It hasn't escaped my notice that in my zeal to be as prepared and organized as possible for Thailand, I have let some of the fundamentals slip, no more, I tell you, I want JBB to be back to feeling safe and secure and all of us to be a bit more well rested. It is back to the routines now!!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
On the knife edge...
I find myself on the verge of tears almost all of the time right now and I am searching for the reasons why. I am wound so tight, the slightest thing will set me off – sometimes good things (like reading about Lifeslurper’s good news) or accidentally bump into the wall (I mean, come on – over-react much!??!).
There are so many emotions swirling around about this cycle – I need to explore a few of them to make sense of them:
1. Fear – the is the predominant feeling, I believe. The thought of this not working and then being in that dark IF place is frightening beyond words. I keep trying to face it in order to dispel it but honestly, the thought of fronting up for another cycle after this one, literally makes me want to vomit. Each cycle takes so much physically, emotionally and mentally – it is very difficult to even contemplate having to go back for more. I have tried to explain this to friends and family and mostly everyone has the same response ‘but surely it is easier this time because you have JBB’. I totally get why people would have that response, I absolutely do and it definitely does make a difference that all the time we are going through the cycle we have the cute little man there to take the sting away. However, there is something quite different about this cycle that I didn’t realise would be the case. Last time, the cycle was really all about me – about me being mother finally, about having a baby of my own, about JourneyMan being a Dad etc. This time, my main motivation is to provide a sibling for JBB, someone in the world
who is the same as him, so that they can both take comfort in each other. I know that being a donor egg baby is becoming more prevalent in our but I would like them both to be able to turn to each other and draw comfort that they are both the same. I also love having siblings and I want to give them both the gift of each other, an ally in life, someone who can help them through the hard times and celebrate the great times as well (especially considering I am an older mother). So, where does the fear fit in here – I think that it is tied in with thinking that I might not be able to provide that to JBB, that I will fall short, that I will not be good enough once again.
2. Guilt – there is a measure of guilt that I feel in going back to the well a second time, asking for and expecting another miracle when we have been so blessed with JBB. There is no greater joy that I feel when I look at his sweet little face but I can’t help but feel that we may be asking for too much when others are still waiting for their first. What makes me think that we deserve to be twice blessed?
3. Tempting fate – being a slightly superstitious person – there is a small feeling of uneasiness about trying this all again for a second time. Has our luck run out or will we cause it to run out because we are boldly going back for a second time – will this cause the fates to turn against us?
These are the raw thoughts that sit underneath my conscious ones and for the most part I don’t buy in to the whole deserving / not deserving, it just brings up too many questions about the many wonderful couples that I know who are still childless or the many other societal horrors such as heroin babies etc – I mean where is the deserving or not in there.
For what it’s worth, I am content that our Journey has brought us the delightful JBB and I hope (and sometimes pray, though I gave up on organised religion along time ago – I am still spiritual) that we will be successful on this cycle. Time is ticking away so quickly now, it is just over three weeks until we go to Thailand, for the most part, I look at JBB and and I'm excited and looking forward to the trip and the cycle.
There are so many emotions swirling around about this cycle – I need to explore a few of them to make sense of them:
1. Fear – the is the predominant feeling, I believe. The thought of this not working and then being in that dark IF place is frightening beyond words. I keep trying to face it in order to dispel it but honestly, the thought of fronting up for another cycle after this one, literally makes me want to vomit. Each cycle takes so much physically, emotionally and mentally – it is very difficult to even contemplate having to go back for more. I have tried to explain this to friends and family and mostly everyone has the same response ‘but surely it is easier this time because you have JBB’. I totally get why people would have that response, I absolutely do and it definitely does make a difference that all the time we are going through the cycle we have the cute little man there to take the sting away. However, there is something quite different about this cycle that I didn’t realise would be the case. Last time, the cycle was really all about me – about me being mother finally, about having a baby of my own, about JourneyMan being a Dad etc. This time, my main motivation is to provide a sibling for JBB, someone in the world
who is the same as him, so that they can both take comfort in each other. I know that being a donor egg baby is becoming more prevalent in our but I would like them both to be able to turn to each other and draw comfort that they are both the same. I also love having siblings and I want to give them both the gift of each other, an ally in life, someone who can help them through the hard times and celebrate the great times as well (especially considering I am an older mother). So, where does the fear fit in here – I think that it is tied in with thinking that I might not be able to provide that to JBB, that I will fall short, that I will not be good enough once again.
2. Guilt – there is a measure of guilt that I feel in going back to the well a second time, asking for and expecting another miracle when we have been so blessed with JBB. There is no greater joy that I feel when I look at his sweet little face but I can’t help but feel that we may be asking for too much when others are still waiting for their first. What makes me think that we deserve to be twice blessed?
3. Tempting fate – being a slightly superstitious person – there is a small feeling of uneasiness about trying this all again for a second time. Has our luck run out or will we cause it to run out because we are boldly going back for a second time – will this cause the fates to turn against us?
These are the raw thoughts that sit underneath my conscious ones and for the most part I don’t buy in to the whole deserving / not deserving, it just brings up too many questions about the many wonderful couples that I know who are still childless or the many other societal horrors such as heroin babies etc – I mean where is the deserving or not in there.
For what it’s worth, I am content that our Journey has brought us the delightful JBB and I hope (and sometimes pray, though I gave up on organised religion along time ago – I am still spiritual) that we will be successful on this cycle. Time is ticking away so quickly now, it is just over three weeks until we go to Thailand, for the most part, I look at JBB and and I'm excited and looking forward to the trip and the cycle.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Cycle 7: Thailand 2 Begins...
The cycle has now started!! I have started the birth control pill which will continue until 20 September and along with this comes, my old friend, the Cle.xane injections – booo. I will start the Progy.nova on 25 September is all goes to plan (which is hasn’t particularly this past week).
I have had a few tense moments earlier in the week because of course the period was 3 days late which caused me some angst as well as a flurry of emails back and forth to the clinic in Thailand. The angst was also not helped by me doing a spreadsheeted comparison of this cycle compared to the last cycle that we were successful with JBB – I freaked out when I realised that there was a huge difference in the protocol.
After quite a few days back and forth, they adjusted the cycle and told me to trust them. This was eerily like the first cycle when I freaked out because the transfer was going to be so late within my cycle though this time I was concerned because the transfer was much earlier in the cycle. I really do have to trust them, they did a great job last time and I have to hope that it will be just as good this time.
It is the control, you see, I feel so powerless – it is now largely out of my hands, I have been doing whatever I can to get my body ready. I think that is the thing that I find the hardest of all about this IF journey – I have endlessly tried to control the uncontrollable – you would think that I would have learnt not to years ago.
I have a lot to do over the next few weeks but I feel like I am pretty organised. I am hoping to have most of the packing done this weekend (apart from the last minute items of course – it helps that we are in the beginning of Spring and will go straight to summer clothes). I know that it seems crazy to be packing so far out but I am trying to reduce my stress levels as much as I can in the lead up to when we go.
Once we get to Bangkok, we will get in some serious fun and relaxation – plus, just the fact that there is no cooking or cleaning to do while we are there makes for a lot better cycle experience!!
I am hoping that 7 is a lucky number for us. Number 6 has always been my lucky number as I was born on the 6th August but 7 also runs a close second because my Mum and Nanna were both born on the 7th of August – I am hoping for their help on this cycle!!
I have had a few tense moments earlier in the week because of course the period was 3 days late which caused me some angst as well as a flurry of emails back and forth to the clinic in Thailand. The angst was also not helped by me doing a spreadsheeted comparison of this cycle compared to the last cycle that we were successful with JBB – I freaked out when I realised that there was a huge difference in the protocol.
After quite a few days back and forth, they adjusted the cycle and told me to trust them. This was eerily like the first cycle when I freaked out because the transfer was going to be so late within my cycle though this time I was concerned because the transfer was much earlier in the cycle. I really do have to trust them, they did a great job last time and I have to hope that it will be just as good this time.
It is the control, you see, I feel so powerless – it is now largely out of my hands, I have been doing whatever I can to get my body ready. I think that is the thing that I find the hardest of all about this IF journey – I have endlessly tried to control the uncontrollable – you would think that I would have learnt not to years ago.
I have a lot to do over the next few weeks but I feel like I am pretty organised. I am hoping to have most of the packing done this weekend (apart from the last minute items of course – it helps that we are in the beginning of Spring and will go straight to summer clothes). I know that it seems crazy to be packing so far out but I am trying to reduce my stress levels as much as I can in the lead up to when we go.
Once we get to Bangkok, we will get in some serious fun and relaxation – plus, just the fact that there is no cooking or cleaning to do while we are there makes for a lot better cycle experience!!
I am hoping that 7 is a lucky number for us. Number 6 has always been my lucky number as I was born on the 6th August but 7 also runs a close second because my Mum and Nanna were both born on the 7th of August – I am hoping for their help on this cycle!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
An Obsession..
Whilst I spend as much of my time taking care of and playing with JBB, whenever we are apart, my mind is solely on Thailand and our second donor cycle. I am absolutely obsessed.
Just as an update on where we are at in the cycle: The period is due this weekend and then on 4 September, I start the birth control pill as well as the Clexane injections. We have paid the donor and we have paid most of the cycle costs, we are go for launch in less than 5 weeks!!!
Anyway, I was talking about obsession. I have several spreadsheets of planning, which includes a full packing list, I have budgeted and rebudgeted and no doubt will budget again, JourneyMan has contacted the airline about checking our pram at the gate, I have researched some JBB friendly activities close to our Bangkok hotel for us to enjoy as a family, every day I research more and more and my spreadsheets grow bigger and bigger. I am drinking my fertility tea, doing my castor oil packs, taking handfuls of vitamins, having acupuncture and the stinky herbs (she has just changed mine and bloody hell, they are rank) and I am listening to my subliminals every night!! I have actually started packing, JourneyMan made copies of all our documents and the document wallet is done, I have bought all of the bits and pieces and should be able to get the toiletry bags together over the weekend. I am constantly thinking of how we can keep JBB entertained on the flights. I think I need to add a fertility hypnosis to my day. I check the weather in Bangkok and Koh Samui every day (just as a matter of interest, it is the rainy season when we are going so we are expecting to get wet though at least we will be warm after a very long and cold winter). I can't help but research success rates of donor cycles and hope against hope that we are very, very lucky once again. I am thinking, considering, planning, researching and doing everything that I can.
I think that last weeks confluence of events was the bad talk that I had going on in my head but I think I am finally letting go of that though I have been very hard on myself and that is something that I need to improve. I have always been one to beat up on myself but thought I had improved dramatically over the years. Somehow though, once we were all booked in for this cycle, the negativity towards myself went into overdrive - I think because of the fear, that all consuming dread that I might end up back in the dark hole of IF negatives. I'm pulling myself together again now, I'm trying to be nicer to myself, I am trying to hold peace and hope in my heart (it helps to look at JBB and be thankful that we have such a beautiful, perfect little boy!!)
I think that the obsession will continue...
Just as an update on where we are at in the cycle: The period is due this weekend and then on 4 September, I start the birth control pill as well as the Clexane injections. We have paid the donor and we have paid most of the cycle costs, we are go for launch in less than 5 weeks!!!
Anyway, I was talking about obsession. I have several spreadsheets of planning, which includes a full packing list, I have budgeted and rebudgeted and no doubt will budget again, JourneyMan has contacted the airline about checking our pram at the gate, I have researched some JBB friendly activities close to our Bangkok hotel for us to enjoy as a family, every day I research more and more and my spreadsheets grow bigger and bigger. I am drinking my fertility tea, doing my castor oil packs, taking handfuls of vitamins, having acupuncture and the stinky herbs (she has just changed mine and bloody hell, they are rank) and I am listening to my subliminals every night!! I have actually started packing, JourneyMan made copies of all our documents and the document wallet is done, I have bought all of the bits and pieces and should be able to get the toiletry bags together over the weekend. I am constantly thinking of how we can keep JBB entertained on the flights. I think I need to add a fertility hypnosis to my day. I check the weather in Bangkok and Koh Samui every day (just as a matter of interest, it is the rainy season when we are going so we are expecting to get wet though at least we will be warm after a very long and cold winter). I can't help but research success rates of donor cycles and hope against hope that we are very, very lucky once again. I am thinking, considering, planning, researching and doing everything that I can.
I think that last weeks confluence of events was the bad talk that I had going on in my head but I think I am finally letting go of that though I have been very hard on myself and that is something that I need to improve. I have always been one to beat up on myself but thought I had improved dramatically over the years. Somehow though, once we were all booked in for this cycle, the negativity towards myself went into overdrive - I think because of the fear, that all consuming dread that I might end up back in the dark hole of IF negatives. I'm pulling myself together again now, I'm trying to be nicer to myself, I am trying to hold peace and hope in my heart (it helps to look at JBB and be thankful that we have such a beautiful, perfect little boy!!)
I think that the obsession will continue...
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