Okay, I got over the fact that JourneyMan's sister is pregnant, I had a whinge, I had a cry, I railed and then got back to business of being excited about Thailand. I was knocked a little when JourneyMan's family invited us over for breakfast on the weekend because I felt pretty guilty saying that I couldn't go.
Today, I found out that my friend is pregnant with her second - this is the friend who got married 4 weeks after JourneyMan and I. I was supposed to be having lunch with her on Friday (along with my other friend who has just had her second and another friend whose baby has just turned one), it was the last straw, I have decided not to go, even though I was the one who organised it - what the hell was I thinking?
I am genuinely happy for them all, god knows I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy but seriously people, I am trying to reduce my stress levels not raise them. I feel terribly guilty for not going, I have been a horrible, horrible friend (and SIL for that matter) over the past couple of years. I am trying to stay positive but everytime I hear of another pregnancy, I can't help but think 'what is it going to be like if we get a negative in December?'. Will I never see my friends again? Will I ever be able to be around woman who are pregnant or who have kids? Will I ever be a normal person again?
I have my sister and a friend coming over for dinner tomorrow night, she has secondary infertility and whilst I am hoping that she will tell me that she's pregnant tomorrow night cos she has had a pretty rough time of it (3 miscarriages and has been trying for her second for the last 3 years) - I don't know whether it will turn me into an agorophobic.
I am so totally and utterly over this crap I can't even think straight.
I think I am going to have to start back at Bikram yoga tomorrow - maybe I will sweat out some resentment and clear myself of this negativity.
Over and out.
