The Toll

Last year, one of my bosses told me that she is going through IVF.  She told me because she knew that she would have to duck off to appointments etc but little did she know that I had a very intimate knowledge of what she is going through.  They had just done their first fresh cycle and were waiting on the results.  She was very enthusiastic, she was sure that they would be successful on their first go and that she would be pregnant and going on maternity leave soon.  In my mind, I admired her enthusiasm and hope, it had been a lifetime since I had felt that way during a cycle but I also feared for her.  I had felt that cycle positivity myself too but changed over significantly over the years until I approached each new cycle with a mixture of fear and hope but I didn’t say anything because I hoped against hope that she would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant straight away.

Fast forward to today and we were discussing her latest transfer failure.  Since that first fresh cycle, they have had 3 more frozen transfers pretty much back to back and unfortunately, they have all failed.  My heart hurt for her as I realised the change in her from when they started.  She had all the main hallmarks of an IVF battler – withdrawing from friends, anger over what was happening, not wanting to go to baby showers, feeling guilty over jealous feelings, bewilderment that this is their lot.  For my part, I also felt a bit of survivor guilt.  I am proud of how we persisted and got to where we are now, hopefully completing our family soon but I have been in her shoes and I know that they are hard to wear.  I felt terrible that my enormous belly was showing her that I was at the end of the journey and she has still yet to experience any success.

We discussed how very few people know how to deal with the situation in a constructive, supportive way – most people resort to platitudes ‘it will happen when it is meant to’, ‘think positive, it will all work out’, ‘you just need to relax’ etc, etc.  She told me that someone had said that she needed to buy some sexy new lingerie and that will help – seriously, that is a new one that I just had to share, my goodness, can you be any dumber!??!?!?  I also realised that it doesn’t stop once you have had a baby, people will then start to say things like, ‘I heard this story about so and so who had a baby via IVF and then found out that she was pregnant naturally’ and the worst part of people saying that was that I really wanted to believe it.  Now I have also realised that people still want to say stuff ‘it wasn’t really that bad, after all you have your family now, you are a big success story’.  Yes, I absolutely feel lucky but JourneyMan and I were talking the other day and we realised that we had spent the last 6 years of our lives to get here, our finances have suffered significantly, many parts of our lives have been put on hold and the emotional and physical toll has been great.  I feel very lucky to have our family but I think I also want a little acknowledgement that we also contributed significantly to making our own luck.  We thought outside of the square and did things that many others are not willing to do.  I feel proud of us and I suppose that is the real acknowledgment that I need.

Great Post O Whinging (read at own risk)

It is a sad fact that I am feeling pretty miserable at the moment.  The weather for one is really getting me down.  I have been getting up at 5am a few times a week to go running and it is very cold and it’s raining so much. This morning, I just couldn’t face getting out of bed and going for a run in the rain again today – yesterday, I was saturated when I got home and I felt cold for the rest of the day.  The building at work is also cold so I am sitting at my desk all day freezing, my bestie and I go for a walk at lunch time and because of the rain, we walk up and down the mulit level car park (so that we don’t get wet) for an hour – it is hardly inspirational scenery., the concrete jungle of a car park.  I am also pretty strictly dieting so that I can lose as much weight as possible before I go to Thailand for the cycle.  Basically I feel like I am in ‘Survivor’, I am cold and hungry (and sometimes battling the elements in physical challenges) most of the time.

To add to my misery this past week, the cramps have come back.  The past few months I have been relatively cramp free – this is a huge improvement from the 3 weeks per month of cramping that I had been having previously but now they are back again and with a vengeance!!  I think probably because I am on the pill it is throwing my hormones out again.  It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, I hope that it won’t be the whole time until I go to Thailand.

I also must say that I am tired of this journey.  Just bone tired.  I was reading through my blog yesterday and I realised that we are actually coming up on our six year anniversary of dealing with infertility and cycles.  In all of that 6 years the only time that I haven’t been considering a cycle, preparing for a cycle or going through a cycle was during the time that I was pregnant with JBB.  Even then I was calculating how long we would need before we could go back and try again.  The mental, physical and emotional energy needed to go through a cycle is phenomenal.  To keep fronting up cycle after cycle takes a monumental effort.  In the beginning, we were in a huge hurry because I was 35 and the clock was ticking ominously.  In a few weeks, I am going to be turning 41 – nuff said.

I know that it is our choice to try for another child, I don’t need any well meaning friends or relatives to tell me how lucky I am to have JBB and that I should be satisfied with our success (if you are looking for a really great article about what to say and what not to say to someone who is experiencing infertility – go here).  I absolutely 100% realise how lucky that I am and since I am his mother, I want the best for him and I want him to have a sibling to go through life with.  I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for our son to grow up with a sibling.  I will do as much as I possibly can to make this happen (which is why I will continue to walk in the concrete jungle and run in the rain and diet until I go).

Unless you’ve been through it, most people don’t understand just how much planning cycles, preparing for cycles, going through cycles and recovering from cycles infiltrates every part of your life.  From the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed at night – every decision that I make is considered with the cycle in mind.  Even something so simple as getting the timing of medications, supplements and Chinese herbs right takes a good plan to make sure that there are no contraindications etc.

I know that I am just having a down day, I know that I am lucky and that many others are still battling in the trenches without any success.  I know that I am a big whinger.  I will not be angry if you have skipped over this post – there is only so much whinging anyone can take.

There is no possibility of a time warp, right - seriously, I feel as if time is going in super slow motion right now.  I usually would never say this but I really wish it would speed up a bit.

I am sure that the sun will come out tomorrow – right?!?!?

5 failed IVF cycles rest in peace....

We had a hard road to our son. I thought (as I am sure everyone does) that our first IVF cycle would be a walk in the park and that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant straight away, after all - there was nothing wrong with me, or so we thought. I have documented previously what followed and there is a summary on top of this blog but basically what happened was that the first cycle was cancelled and I was absolutely shocked when this happen, it had not even entered my thoughts. The second cycle I had no eggs at pick up. The third cycle I got one egg that fertilised but did not implant. I had a laparoscopy and found that I have one kidney and two uteruses and mega amounts of endo (they can't get all of it as it is right on my bowell). We took a break and I took DHEA (without consulting my fertility specialist) and I got 6 eggs at pick up, 2 of which fertilised but no implantation. The DHEA caused the endo to run rampant so I had to have another laparoscopy and I also had a lap band put in to lose weight. I lost 45kg's before our 5th cycle in a last ditch attempt to create some good eggs. Alas this was not to be, this cycle was also cancelled.

So, why am I reliving these horrible times? Well because I was chatting to JBB this week and I realised that I am glad that these cycles didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I still wish that JourneyMan and I could have sex at the right time of the month and boom, 9 months later we would have another baby but what I realised that I am grateful down to my bones is that we weren't successful with my eggs because if we were, JBB wouldn't exist. He is a special guy. His laughter can clear away all bad thoughts in my head. His cries of pain (he is teething at the moment) elicit an overflowing of maternal comfort. He is beautiful, he is clever, he is precious.

It feels good for those cycles to not have power over me anymore. There was a lot of grief there. They changed me irrevocably but at the end of the day, their failure brought me the greatest happiness of my life. I don't want to go all kumbaya on your arses but finally I have realised that these cycles that I thought bought me the most sadness in my life, actually opened the door to the greatest happiness.

Physically Sickened.

There was a story in the paper in my town last week that I just cannot comprehend. You can find the link to the story here. It is about a couple who terminated an IVF pregnancy of twin boys because they want a girl. Their reason is that they have 3 boys (conceived naturally) and they had lost a daughter soon after she was born. In Australia, you cannot choose the sex of your child unless for medical reasons (ie. a friend of our family went through IVF to have another girl because they already had a son who is a haemophiliac) but not for choice reasons only. They are petitioning authorities to be able to have a girl through IVF on the grounds that they want one to assuage their grief from losing their daughter.

Honestly, I just can't even take this story in. I don't feel that I am in a moral position to judge this couple because of the lengths that we have gone to have our family but I cannot, cannot, cannot comprehend anyone terminating two baby boys because of their sex. Honestly - I can't even think about the morality of the rest of the story - I just can't think past those two baby boys. Surprisingly enough, I have always been pro-choice but for me (even before I knew that I had any problems) I knew I would never be able to terminate a pregnancy, even if it was accidental. On the other hand, I also cannot comprehend the pain that these people have felt at losing a daughter that they so wanted. I can't help but question the IVF process that we have here where the emphasis is on police checks but the counselling (that is mandatory for every couple / patient) is a crappy tickbox 'I understand' that is basically classic arse covering by the clinic. Could a proper counselling session have uncovered the desperate lengths that this couple would go to to have a girl? What of the termination process - were there other options discussed such as adoption? Baby adoption is extremely low in this country - I am sure that many couples would be clamouring to adopt these boys.

JourneyMan and I discussed whether we would choose the sex of the baby for the next cycle of IVF (in Thailand you can choose) and at first both of us were for it (me because I would love to have a daughter and JourneyMan because he knows that I would be tempted to try for a third child if we have two boys). It is also no secret that I wanted a girl when we tried for JBB but I can tell you with my absolute whole heart, JBB is the miracle of my life, if I don't have another baby, he is enough. He is loved by every fibre of my being and I do not for one minute wish that we had a girl. If we ended up being blessed by two sons, I will be ecstatic.

My heart aches for those twin boys, they deserved better.

Counselling...

Last week I had a session with a counsellor provided through the local council for new parents. This week, JourneyMan joined me. It has been quite illuminating though tonight I am quite sad.

I have been exploring the reasons why I have been crying so often recently - I knew that there was a reason underneath and it seems we are pretty close to finding out why. Last week we talked about how to handle when strangers ask about who JBB looks like without lying and also about how I may not have fully grieved not having my own biological children. I thought that I had so it did not completely ring true for me. We did talk about how I have a coping mechanism that is probably harming my ability to get past things at the moment. Anytime I even think of something 'bad' about being a mother - ie. sleep deprivation, worry etc I immediately have to think 'But I am absolutely grateful to be a mother'. It has become quite a compulsion and she said that she thought that it was harming my ability to move past these small issues. The other thing that I realised was that I am constantly on edge for JourneyMan to say 'well you wanted to be a mother, you just have to deal with it'. Of course, thankfully when I voiced this concern to JourneyMan, he allayed my fears and I felt quite relieved.

Today the counsellor asked us to talk about our failed IVF cycles because she thought that the source of my getting upset had it roots from this time. I am going to explore it a bit more on here because I think that I have finally uncovered where the issue is. We talked about the first cycle.

So, how did we start IVF in the first place? As JourneyMan had had a vasectomy, we thought that he would simply be able to get it reversed and pouf, pregnant! JourneyMan went to see the GP and got a referral to a specialist - this was even before we were married. We both went to see the specialist and when we were checking in with the receptionist, she said 'we always put fertility treatments in the name of the female'. I was floored at this point and looked questioningly at JourneyMan - he shrugged. We filled out the forms and went and sat in the waiting room - 'fertility - are we at the right place?' we whispered to each other - we were very confused, were we there for JourneyMan to have a vasectomy reversal, what the hell did fertility have to do with it? Oh how naive we were!!

The appointment was very strange - he said that JourneyMan could have a vasectomy reversal and we would wait approximately 6-12 months for the chance of getting pregnant or we could got with an IVF cycle straight away doing a needle biopsy on JourneyMan and use ICSI. I remember discussing it on the way home in the car and JourneyMan's initial reaction was that he didn't want to conceive a child via IVF because of the stigma attached, I didn't mind that but it was the waiting that bothered me the most. After having the tests and speaking to the specialist again and many long discussions, we decided that we would pursue IVF. By this time we had gotten married, had our honeymoon and a few months to consider all of our options. When we decided on IVF, we had to jump through all of the hoops until we were finally ready to actually start the cycle.

The whole process was strange. The counselling that was mandatory was a joke, it didn't deal with any of the issues but was just more of a 'check this box and sign off that you understand' type of situation. I devoured every piece of information that I could but I still felt like I was in a foreign country and couldn't speak the language - it was confusing as hell. I look back at the person that I was at the beginning of that cycle and barely recognise her - she was an optimist, she was a positive thinker, she thought that things always turned out for the best, she believed in herself, she had survived some stuff in her life but was courageous and faced up to challenges.

I approached the cycle with supreme optimism. There was a scary moment when the pur.egon pen did not work correctly and I panicked and called the specialist. It was weird doing the injections but I was not unused to them considering I had to have Clex.ane injections when I went overseas. I was sure that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant on the first go, after all, I was a positive thinker and did everything that was asked of me.

When the call came to cancel the cycle, I was in the car park at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I asked them to repeat the news at least a couple of times. I felt lost, devastated, confused, hurt. I didn't know what to do with myself. I called JourneyMan and his main response was that we could try again. I feel that I changed on that day. I felt like my soul had been slapped, hard. It was so unexpected. I searched for meaning, I tried to think of what I had done wrong, I looked everywhere for a reason.

The next cycle started around 6 weeks after the last one. Christmas and New Year happened in between, with me of course dreaming that the following Christmas I would have a baby in my arms. I had convinced myself that the first cycle was just a trial run, they just had not found the right drug dosage - everything would be fine the next go. I approached the next cycle with a lot less positivity. I was cautious and once again disappointed to find out that I only had 3 follicles. We still went to egg pick up and JourneyMan had the needle biopsy. The hospital is a bit like a battery hen farm - you could see all of the couples who were also getting their eggs farmed, most of us, hopeful and trying to recover from the procedure. The doctor came to see JourneyMan and I and told us that they retrieved no eggs. Once again, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, I felt unworthy, I felt like I wasn't a proper woman.

I had never cried like I did on that day (though I have done so since). I howled like an animal, I felt like my soul was torn. I can't remember that day without crying, in fact I am crying now - the hurt is still there. I think that those two cycles altered who I am.

Fast forward to now. I think that the reason that I am afraid of people commenting on JBB not looking like me is not because I don't want to explain that he is a donor egg baby but because there is still some feeling that I am not worthy of being his mother, that I don't deserve it because I am not a proper woman. My Dad constantly comments that JBB is a 'little miracle' and he certainly is but I noticed that whenever he said that, I would get annoyed. I think mainly because I feel like I don't deserve this beautiful miracle.

This has been hard to write but I am doing so in hopes that it will help me heal. Needless to say, I am going to continue the counselling - I need to heal these IVF shaped holes in my heart.

Another reason for Thailand again in July 2011

I have to be super quick as JBB seems to have a sixth sense for when I pick up the computer - he loves to wake up and demand to be fed!! The days have been all JBB all the time lately because although he has been sleeping well at night, he doesn't settle well during the day unless he is in my arms (I can't say that I don't like it because I could hold and stare at him for hours though it does get a bit difficult to get something to eat or even to visit the ladies!!). He is in bed right now so I am hoping for a quick post.

Thanks to all for your comments on our decision to go back to Thailand in 2011 to try for JBBS (Journey Baby Boy's Sibling - thanks Lifeslurper!!). Another reason that I would like to do this asap is that I would like the whole IF experience behind us. I know that sounds awful but over the past few weeks I have started to think about all the things that I will need to do in the lead up to Thailand. I need to get fit again (I have a goal to do a 15km run in April next year) and lose weight (I put on ALOT during the pregnancy with JBB), I will go back to Bikram yoga in the new year, we will need to get the money together for the trip, I will have to start back on the castor oil packs every second day, I will need to go to acupuncture each week and have the stinky herbs, I will need to have my 1 litre of fertility tea each day, I will need to start skin brushing again to detox my body - I am a little bit tired just thinking about it all again. Plus, I also don't want to miss a minute of JBB's life.

That's why I want it over with. Unless we win the lottery, we are only going to go for 2 children so it would be good to have our family all done and dusted. As some of you may remember, we didn't get any embryo's for the freezer last time so we will have to do the whole thing again from scratch. To preempt a question that many people have asked us, no - we won't be using the same donor. There are two main reasons why. Firstly, it would be unlikely that she would be available at the time when we would like to have a new cycle and secondly, JBB was the only viable embryo from the 18 eggs that the donor produced - my thought is 'what if next time there isn't even one?'.

I feel that I have recovered a little from the IF experience - although the bitter laugh that escapes me when my GP, OB and maternal health nurse asked what we are doing about contraception shows that some wounds still linger. However, then the thought of getting ready for Thailand and going again brings back the scary doubts and literal horror I feel at not acheiving a BFP from another cycle. There is also some part of me that still wrestles with the small hope that maybe if I had of had the blood thinning injections in the previous cycles with my own eggs - could I have gotten pregnant that way? Should we try another cycle here before we head to Thailand? 99.9% of the time I think 'no' basically because it was not really about implantation for me, it was the fact that I didn't respond to the drugs and that my ovaries couldn't seem to mature more than one egg at a time even if they were taken out of my body and beaten into submission but there does exist that small hope.

I actually don't really understand that small part of myself either because when I look at JBB and there is no chance of him looking like me, I don't care - especially when he recognises my voice and gives me a smile or when someone else is holding him and he won't settle and then I take him and sing to him and he settles beautifully and when I know from how he is crying what he wants. I am his Mum and I couldn't give a fat rats clacker whether he looks like me or not. The pragmatic part of me thinks 'what difference would it make if a child was from my egg?' to which the answer is absolutely nothing. Therefore, why would I try again with my own eggs with little or no chance or try in Thailand with a donor and have a 50%+ chance? After all, it wasn't as if it was only one cycle we tried with my own eggs, it was 5 cycles during which time we got bugger all embryo's to transfer (3 to be exact).

Okay - sorry this post has been all over the place - it is a bit of a stream of consciousness. Gotta go people - JBB is stirring!!!

18 Eggs!!

Yes, you read right, 18 eggs from our wonderful donor - bless her gorgeous ovaries! We were at the clinic today and were lucky enough to meet our donor (not all of them want to meet their recipients) and she is the most lovely, fabulous woman I have met in my life. She said to me 'I am so happy to be able to help you out' - it brought tears to my eyes. I thanked her 100 times and hugged her quite a few as well (not a great thing to do in Thailand as the Thai people are generally very reserved) but she didn't seem to mind. Happily, we are also getting a print out of her medical history to keep and we exchanged email addresses so that we can keep in touch in the future.

JourneyMan gave his sample without a hitch and my lining is at 8mm which the doctor said was good, I also have no fibroids or polyps which he was very happy about - so all in all a good day! We will have the fertilisation results tomorrow.

For the rest of the day, we spent it by the pool and then another massage - oh yes, it's a hard life! I will give some more information about Thailand in my next couple of posts - it is a beautiful place with the most lovely, happy people!

Is there such a thing as too organised?

If there is, I am it. I am not bragging and I also don't think it is a good thing. In my great wisdom, I have organised JourneyMan and I to within an inch of our lives and I find that now we are a week away from leaving (this time in a week we will be at the airport!), I don't have anything to do! Since Sunday, time has been absolutely crawling along. I am getting frustrated, now I just want to get there already!!

I thought I was going to be really busy at work at this time because of the project and whilst there is still a bit to do, it is all under control.

Honestly, I don't think that I can be any more organised than I am right now - here are just some of the things that I have done in the past couple of days:

• I have researched what spa's we will go to when we are in Thailand
• I have converted the prices for all of the spa treatments into AUD and printed it out as a reference for JourneyMan and I to look at
• I have looked up the times that the yoga classes are on at the gym at our hotel
• I have looked at what movies are going to be on the plane
• I have looked at what movies will be on at the multiplex next to where we are staying
• I have researched where we can go for an elephant ride not too far from Bangkok (JourneyMan wants to ride the elephants)
• I have purchased all of our books for Thailand (I am going to be reading the new Marian Keys - 'The Brightest Star in the Sky', I love her, she is a funny writer, plus all four of the Twilight books - JourneyMan is reading the latest Matthew Riley and the new Dan Brown)
• I have google mapped the directions from the hotel to the clinic (despite the fact that they pick us up each time we need to go there)

Also, another thing that is annoying me is that JourneyMan has had his last day of work today before we go and I am annoyed that I still have 5 working days to go - what the!?!?

Does anyone what anything organised, I tell you, I am a list maker without a to do list, this does not bode well people!!

Thanks to Chelle & T-Gal for your lovely comments and hell yes I will be blogging in Thailand - I already know where the internet cafe is!!

In response to the comment from Anonymous. The clinic that I am going to is:

http://www.ivfmiraclebaby.com/

And no, I am not Asian and the reason that we are going to Thailand is that it is illegal to pay donors in Australia. I don't care whether the baby looks like me and I honestly don't care what people think - basically because this is our best chance of me being able to carry a child.

Well that's it for me tonight - this time next week, people!!

I'm Ready....

Holy cow, it is only 9 days until we go to Thailand!! I am feeling that it is a little surreal at the moment, kind of in a holding pattern because everything is pretty much organized. The house is also feeling really like a home, more than it has in the 3 years that we have lived here. Most of the house has been spring cleaned and everything has a place that it lives and I have now put up pictures and photo’s and prints. I have gotten some cushions for the couch and just really organized everything. Every time I walk through the door I smile and it has really become a nice haven.

We do have a big problem with our courtyard, it is a total jungle out there but thankfully JourneyMan finishes work this Wednesday so he has a week to do a bit of work out there to whip it into shape. Basically it is just some weeding and stuff, hopefully I will be pregnant next year and won’t have to divert all our money for another cycle so we can spend a little bit of money getting a deck for the back yard and a new kitchen – then the house will be perfecto!

I think that the overriding feeling that I do have is that I am ready now. The house is almost ready, JourneyMan and I are at a good place in our relationship, we are both going well in our jobs, we are ready. It’s time for our baby to come now. Now, I have thought that before but I do feel it right to my heart right now.

It has been a really good weekend. I had my Mum and sister and two of her boys over on Friday for lunch. My sister brought around a gorgeous cot and a big bag of baby clothes that we could have. When she first told me that she could bring all the stuff around (after I let her know that we had gotten the room ready for the baby), I freaked out a bit. I wasn’t sure that it was a good idea to have all of the stuff in the house, I mean what if the cycle in Thailand is negative. Over time though, I have decided that regardless of how, we are going to have a baby so the room will be beautiful.

So when she brought over the cot and the clothes, I was quite excited and happy to put them in the room. I showed JourneyMan when he got home from work and then it was his turn to freak out a bit. He has recovered over the weekend and we even went to the shops today and got some stickers to decorate the room. The room now cannot be mistaken for anything else but a baby’s room – it makes me smile every time I go in there.

I have even posted some photo’s for you all!

Hope you like them. It is really countdown time now! In other news, I am continuing with the Progynova (estradiol) 3 times a day and there haven't been too many side affects apart from wicked bloating and a number of headaches. I have also started the Clexane (blood thinner) injections - have been doing them since we left for Perth and forgot to tell you. You know, they are definitely not as bad as I remembered - I guess one of the perks of doing IVF is how used to injections that I have gotten!

Anyway, that is all the news for right now. We are off into our last full week before we head off, I am SOOOO excited!!

Why do I want to be a mother?

I have been thinking about being a Mum lately. JourneyMan asked me very early on in our relationship why I wanted to be a mother. I stumbled over it at the time because how can you define something that you feel is your basic right? Over the years, I have come back to the question again and again. I don't really know if I have a better answer than it is something that I want in every fibre of my being.

I have always wanted to have a family of my own. There are a million reasons why and there are none. I guess one of the reasons that I stumbled to answer the question previously was that some part of me used to believe that it was for selfish reasons. So I would have the love of a child for the rest of my life, so that I would be surrounded by family, so that I would leave a legacy in the world. None of those reasons really mean that much to me though. Over the time of IF, I have become clearer.

One of the main things that I have realised is that I have an eternal well of love within me that I want to share with a child. Believe it or not, my JourneyDog that is Woolly is the one that has made me realise that. Unfortunately, he also bears the brunt of being treated like a baby at times (I have been known to blurt on his tummy - his response is to play bite my nose, he is unimpressed). It has been a good lesson in responsibility as well as consistency in discipline - he is a great teacher.

I also fear it as well, I mean - I don't want to be a bad parent. I am sure that many parents who are over protective or smothering or harsh on their child also have good intentions. After all, how do I know I will be a good mother?

I read an article whilst we were in Perth. It was talking about the global financial crisis and how more and more people are having to now wait for things instead of being able to buy them straight away. The article was talking about how making yourself wait for things can be more satisfying. I know that it is not the same thing (as we have been forced to wait rather than making the choice ourselves) but I did draw some comfort from the psychologist saying that after waiting for something that we really want, you feel a good deal more appreciation for the item than you would have if you were able to get it immediately.

I know I will appreciate this child when she (yes, I believe she is a she!!) comes along. I know that the waiting will have inceased that appreciation a thousand fold. I know that I will savour the moments more than I may have if motherhood had of come easier than it has. I know that my relationship with JourneyMan has deepened over the time of our wrestling with IF. It may have done so anyway but for me, I am blown away by the wonderful man that I am married to - his capacity for love, laughter and comfort - I am one lucky woman.

I think that our little holiday to Perth crystallised to me that there are positives that I have gained from the IF journey. The ability to cherish my relationship, the absolute appreciation when I finally hold that baby in my arms, that I believe in my own strength and resilience. I wish that it didn't have to be this way because it has been hard but I have to say, I am liking more and more what I see in the mirror and feel in my heart and that cannot be understimated.

So, why do I want to be a mother? I still can't tell you - it is in every corner of my being. Will I be a good mother - well, let's hope that I will find out soon.

We're Back and things are heating up!!

Hello ICLW's - sorry but this is not a welcome post though you can find a bit more info about me here.

Well we got back from Perth at 4am this morning and I am a little weary I can tell you! We had a wonderful trip though the much lauded Perth beach weather deserted us and it was a pretty chilly. We only got to swim once and that was yesterday. The rest of the time the wind was absolutely bitter!

We left on Wednesday afternoon on a very hot day in Melbourne and arrived in Perth after a 4 and a half hour flight (and 3 hour time change) tired but excited. It was very cold when we got off the plane and we realised that we didn't really bring clothes that were appropriate for the cooler weather - doh! On Thursday, JourneyMan and I spent most of the day catching up on sleep and reading which was nice and then went to JourneyMan's cousin's house for his birthday BBQ. Thankfully, JourneyCousin lent me a warm jumper for the rest of the trip. It was a fun night getting to know some new people!

On Friday, JourneyMan and I spent the day touring around Perth - we went to Fremantle which is an old colonial area of Perth where the docks are - it was really nice there. On Friday night, JourneyMan's brother and his girlfriend also flew in from Melbourne so there was plenty of company for the trip. JourneyMan went out on Friday night with his cousin and brother and a host of other people - I stayed in the room for some rest, I am not a huge party animal at the best of times but as you know, I am trying to be as relaxed as possible in the lead up to the cycle.

On Saturday, we finally ventured to the beach but it was still too cold so we quickly hot footed it out of there and had a nice lunch before going to the party on Saturday night. It was a fab night - alot of fun though not too late, thankfully! Yesterday we did some more exploring of the city and then had lunch at JourneyMan's aunt's house before we dropped JourneyMan's brother and girlfriend off at the airport. We had a few hours to kill to our flight so we decided to see a movie before checking in to our flight. We learnt some valuable lessons last night. Firstly, make sure that the movie does not go for an obsene amount of time before deciding to see it. We saw 2012 and had to leave the movie early or we would have missed checking in to our flight. Secondly, it is probably not a good idea to see an action movie, leave at the climax and only leave yourself barely enough time to check in before the flight closes. We ran out of the movie before it finished, had to fill up the rental car with petrol before putting it back and had to read the drop off instructions for the rental car en route. We got to the flight check in 5 minutes before they closed the flight and we felt like we were in our own action movie!! It took us awhile to relax after that experience I tell you!

Now it is 16 days until we go to Thailand - wow, things are really starting to move fast now! Of course, my contrary period decided to come early (yesterday) and so when I let the clinic know, they have made some changes to the cycle. I have started to take the progynova today and then egg pick up for the donor will now be on the 12th of December and the transfer will be on the 17th. It is getting really exciting. I have to say that I spent alot of time thinking about the cycle in Perth, I am very, very hopeful.

Now, I am a bit nervous about what has happened at work while I have been away but we will see what happens when I get in there tomorrow!

Go West!

Greetings from a town called Mania! I have been up since 5:30am this morning and it is now 11pm. We are headed off to Perth tomorrow so I have been madly trying to get all of my work done as well as organising all of those last minute things. We have had a few issues this week - firstly, JourneyDog has been sick so I had to rush him up to the vet yesterday afternoon so everything I was going to do last night was pushed so I could hug and comfort his woolly self. Would you believe he had a bruised pen!s!! Goodness me, who would have thought! He is much better today thank goodness and will be packed off tomorrow to his Nanna's place!

JourneyMan and I had a big argument the other night (I was going to say barney but am pretty sure that is Aussie slang so didn't know whether my US friends would understand - anyway, barney = argument). It was over something really petty but I was really disturbed and only got about 2 hours sleep on Sunday night so have been exhausted ever since. We don't argue that much but this has left me feeling quite upset. We are getting back to ourselves again now but I have to admit, I can't help but get worried when something like that happens. I need to release and let go.

I had a pretty ordinary day at work, the project has been pushed back to the day before we go to Thailand - what the!?!? That was something that I didn't need, though I have serious doubts that we will be able to go live - I think it may get pushed to January. I have a lot, lot to do tomorrow so will be up at 5am to get everything done.

The other thing that happened was that work didn't pay me and JourneyMan's company changed his pay day to 5 days later than normal - this has thrown the budget out a bit but I my work confirmed today that they will make my payment tomorrow - phew! The other thing that has happened is that I have paid the deposit for the cycle today - we are officially ON people and did you notice, it is only 3 weeks to go today. This time in 3 weeks we will be at Melbourne airport checking in to our flight - yahoo - can't wait!

On the positive side of things, I have pretty much nearly finished my to do list for the month - huzzah and am all packed and ready for JourneyMan to pick me up from work tomorrow at 2:30pm - whooo hoo!

Okay - I am exhausted, gotta go! Catch you after Perth!

P.S. - TireeGal - our transfer is the 18th so we are a couple of weeks behind you!!

A big clean-up and lots more inane rambling!

Thanks for all of the comments, everyone – you are so supportive and have been very thought provoking for me. I really appreciate all of the time that you have taken to make a comment – you guys are fabulous! Welcome to Maxandzuzu and thank you for your wonderful comment. Chelle, I understand where you are coming from and to a certain extent I agree but I feel a little ‘once bitten, twice shy’ in terms of my friends. I know that they mean well and for the most part they are extremely supportive however, they sometimes make comments without thinking that it will hurt - like laughing at all of the things that have gone wrong – that hurt. If I didn’t have Thailand coming up, I would have forced myself to go out to lunch with my friends as well as breakfast with JourneyMan’s family because I normally believe in facing my fears and trying to get over things. However, with Thailand coming up – I am putting myself first, I want to reduce the possibility of getting upset so whilst I know that all of these people love me and want to support me, unfortunately sometimes people say things that they don’t realize hurt and I don’t want to hear about that at the moment.

My Mum made a comment to me this week that I might need to get help from someone especially if it doesn’t go our way in Thailand. I don’t have any problem seeing counselors or anything like that but I did take a little offense at her comments to me the other day because the implication was that I am not handling the situation very well. I know that she really struggles with what to say to help out at all and after I cooled off (and vented about it to Journeyman), I had a chat to her about it and explained to her how her comment made me feel – she was very understanding and it was good to have it sorted out.

Last week was a busy one with me working 5 days – eeek!! There is still stacks to do on this mammoth project going live but I am only working 3 days this week because JourneyMan and I are off for a little trip to the West Coast of Australia – Perth for JourneyMan’s cousin’s 30th birthday. I am really looking forward to this little sojourn to the Western beaches! I haven’t actually been to Perth (apart from a 4 hour stop off on the way to Africa) so I am really excited to have a look around and have some relaxing fun! Only 3 days of work to go - yeah!!

This weekend has been a hectic one with Saturday off to the market with my Mum as usual. We then went to my older sisters’ boys school fair in which we were both roped in to doing an hour on one of the stands (I took tickets for the pony rides and Mum served tea!). Then we went to see my Dad who is still in the rehab place and who wasn’t in very good spirits that’s for sure! On Saturday night, we had dinner and were in bed by 9:30pm – we are party animals! Today has been all go! JourneyMan had the breakfast around with his family and then we went over to my Mum and Dad’s place to make sure that JourneyDog can’t make an escape from their backyard when they are taking care of him when we are in Perth and then Thailand. I have wrapped Christmas presents today as well as packed all of our toiletries for Perth (which will remain packed for Thailand – whoo hoo) – I am feeling pretty organized.

The rest of the day today we had a mammoth clean up and I am happy and proud to tell you that JourneyBaby’s room has been completely cleaned out and is ready for her / him to grace us with their presence. In there I have a big bear that my Nanny (Dad’s mum) left me and a couple of bears that JourneyMan took when were cleaning up my Nanna’s place after she died (he was very naughty and I told my mum and she was fine about it). My birthday is on 6 August, my Mum’s birthday is on the 7th of August and Mum’s Mum (Nanna) birthday was also on the 7th. We had 3 generations within a day of each other. Plus my grandfather was the 3rd of August, my sister is the 19th (her husband is the 22nd) and the Aunt that I am very close to is the 24th – we are a family of Leo’s!! I am taking it as a good sign that if all goes well in Thailand, this baby will be due (37 weeks – which is considered full term in Australia) on the 10th of August. I hope, hope, hope!!

JourneyMan’s Mum has had a medal of St Jude blessed for us to take. St Jude is the patron saint of desperate cases (sometimes called lost causes but I am not going to think that!). According to my sources, St Jude is usually invoked in desperate situations because he stresses that the faithful should persevere in the environment of harsh, difficult circumstances, just as their forefathers had done. I thought that was really nice of her and though I don’t think we are a ‘lost cause’ I would most assuredly agree that this is a desperate case – I will definitely be wearing that when we head off to Thailand – 23 days to go, people – things are getting exciting!!

There could be swearing....

Okay, I got over the fact that JourneyMan's sister is pregnant, I had a whinge, I had a cry, I railed and then got back to business of being excited about Thailand. I was knocked a little when JourneyMan's family invited us over for breakfast on the weekend because I felt pretty guilty saying that I couldn't go.

Today, I found out that my friend is pregnant with her second - this is the friend who got married 4 weeks after JourneyMan and I. I was supposed to be having lunch with her on Friday (along with my other friend who has just had her second and another friend whose baby has just turned one), it was the last straw, I have decided not to go, even though I was the one who organised it - what the hell was I thinking?

I am genuinely happy for them all, god knows I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy but seriously people, I am trying to reduce my stress levels not raise them. I feel terribly guilty for not going, I have been a horrible, horrible friend (and SIL for that matter) over the past couple of years. I am trying to stay positive but everytime I hear of another pregnancy, I can't help but think 'what is it going to be like if we get a negative in December?'. Will I never see my friends again? Will I ever be able to be around woman who are pregnant or who have kids? Will I ever be a normal person again?

I have my sister and a friend coming over for dinner tomorrow night, she has secondary infertility and whilst I am hoping that she will tell me that she's pregnant tomorrow night cos she has had a pretty rough time of it (3 miscarriages and has been trying for her second for the last 3 years) - I don't know whether it will turn me into an agorophobic.

I am so totally and utterly over this crap I can't even think straight.

I think I am going to have to start back at Bikram yoga tomorrow - maybe I will sweat out some resentment and clear myself of this negativity.

Over and out.

Castor oil packs, to do lists and projects - oh my!

Well people, it is hectic here in Chez JourneyWorld. The project that I am working on has now officially been delayed another two weeks – eek, getting very close to the Thailand trip I tell you!! In answer to Lifeslurper’s question about whether this is my job job or my own business. It is my job job that is supposed to be maximum 3 days per week but for the past 3 months has been pretty much 4 days and sometime (the horror!) 5 days!! The project is a massive one, upgrading 12 interlocking websites (some that are hosted in Aus, some in the US) – I am going website crazy. My own business project has hit a bit of a slump but I am having a working party on Sunday with my business partner (also my bestie) to pull a few things into line and to keep things running on their own over the Perth trip, Thailand trip, Christmas and New Year period. 2010 is when we are going to take the world by storm!!

Jill has asked about the castor oil pack and since I am going through my whole regime in detail, this is the next logical place. I can’t really remember where I came across this natural therapy first but there is some good information at the following site: http://natural-fertility-info.com/castor-oil-therapy. I didn’t buy the pack, I just got all of the ingredients from the chemist and made up my own pack. Edgar Cayce, who is also known as ‘the father of the holistic health movement’ was a huge proponent of the castor oil pack and in his readings contain more than 570 uses for the packs. Apparently it has uses in many different conditions as diverse as arthritis, liver and intestinal conditions and even skin tumors and breast cancer. Now – I know are you going to ask if I found a medical study that linked improved fertility with the use of the castor oil pack. In answer, no – I did not.

I did, however, find some studies that confirmed what the active agents in castor oil are. Basically the modern medical studies stated that the castor oil was able to be absorbed easily to the lower parts of the skin and that it’s main properties were as an anti-inflammatory. The heat used in the packs also aids in the increase of blood flow to the affected area. Years ago, I also read a book called ‘Clear Body, Clear Mind’ by Leon Chaitow that had a trunk pack in it similar to the castor oil pack that was used for support for detoxification of the liver and kidneys. This pack seemed quite similar so I thought I would give it a go. The following link is probably the best one that I found for directions and information about it uses with fertility: http://www.natural-health-for-fertility.com/castor-oil-therapy.html

In other news, I have pretty much completed our packing checklist for Thailand (even though he is still at work right now, I can hear JourneyMan groaning from here) and yes, it is in a spreadsheet. When we got married, every part of the wedding was spreadsheeted – I loves me a spreadsheet!! I have even cross referenced the list against 4 travel websites that had checklists on them to make sure that I had thought of everything (why 4? Well by the time I got to the 4th one, there was nothing more to add to my list!!).

What else is happening? Well, the stinking fridge people have not called so I am despairing about receiving the fridge this week – damn it all to hell. I also cut myself a fringe (that’s ‘bangs’ to our US friends) during the week, people have been raving about how good it looks. JourneyMan said I looked adorable, which wasn’t the look that I was going for. Truth be told, I read an article in a magazine (I dearly love trashy magazines) that celebrities were wearing a fringe instead of getting botox. I thought that sounded good (get thee behind thee gullible one!!) and plus I had seem a pic of myself when I had a fringe and thought I looked good, so that’s why I did it. I do need another colour though to cover up those greys!!

Tomorrow, my Mum and I are off to IKEA to buy a few things that will help to organize JourneyBaby’s room (no pics yet, I’m afraid, Lifeslurper – definitely once it’s finished though!!). I have got a very hectic day planned tomorrow – clean house, gym, IKEA, optometrist appointment, acupuncture appointment, more organizing of Journey Baby’s room and go and see my Dad in the rehab hospital. No rest for the wicked, my friends!!

A nutbag in the house and some questions answered!!

Holy crap, people – it is only 39 days till we leave for Thailand – hurrah!!

Okay – it’s confession time. A kind of IF madness has taken over me. Last Wednesday was 6 weeks until we go to Thailand and I have kicked up preparations a notch! I don’t know about you ladies but I am a research-a-holic and lately I have been researching a lot on implantation (cos I am hoping those 22 year old eggs in Thailand will do the trick). I am lucky with my work that I have access to medical journals so the information that I come across is usually pretty good. I do, of course, surf my ar$e off on Google to find out info. I thought I would share the madness of my routine at the moment.

In the morning I have an inner health plus tablet (bifidus and his mates) along with my herbal fertility tea (red clover, raspberry leaf, stinging nettle and ginger steeped overnight drunk cold – about 1 litre) – in the morning I also have a swig of flaxseed oil to make sure that I get my omega 3’s in. JourneyMan and I have been eating mainly whole foods for awhile (though sometimes we can’t resist some chips or chocolate or take away) – I have made some high fibre chicken soup for our lunches at the moment (JourneyMan has his for breakky) and I tend to add some natural fibre (psyllium husks) to many of the foods that we eat. I try as much as possible to buy organic food as well. As of this week, I have ditched my 1 coffee a day and am now caffeine free (still have a bit of a headache) and I am doing only the recommended 7 hours of exercise per week.

I am doing a tap class on Tuesdays, a boxing class on Thursdays (with JourneyMan – gosh we are a bit of a boxing mis-match!!) and am doing some running and gym sessions as well. I am trying to make sure that I get 8 hours sleep a night and every second night I do a castor oil pack (cloth covered with warmed castor oil wrapped around stomach, covered with plastic and with a hot water bottle over the top – sit still for an hour) – apparently castor oil has been used for centuries to heal specific areas of the body – especially reproductive issues. I also practice skin brushing most days and have a couple of Epsom salt baths per week (both for detoxification).

At night, JourneyMan and I have a whole slew of vitamin supplements that we take – he really hates the beetroot powder that he has for his blood pressure!! I am now on the pill as the cycle has started – yahoo!! Gosh, I haven’t been on the pill for 10 years – what a novelty!! We also do about a half an hour of yoga poses (that I have researched for fertility) each night and at night I listen to a fertility subliminal mp3 that I purchased. In addition, I am going to acupuncture (starting today) once a week and we have budgeted for some health treatments while we are in Bangkok (I have researched and found some lovely spas very close to where we are staying).

One other really big thing that I am doing is cleaning out our spare room – basically it is filled with a TV, the Nintendo WII, millions of books and all of my office material. I have made the big, big decision to get it ready for the baby. I am having trouble writing this because I hadn’t done this previously as I didn’t want to jinx any of the millions of cycles that we have done before. Certainly that has not made any difference so I am making room for the baby in the house. Today I have started to move out the junk and I am just about to go and have lunch with my Mum and while I am up there I am going to get some big storage boxes to put the books in. I have decided to just do a little bit each Friday to get it ready – I am going to try to make it like a ritual – a clearing of the space to allow the baby into our lives. We don’t have a big house (two bedroom unit) and it is very unorganized but it is definitely big enough for me, JourneyMan, JourneyDog and JourneyBabe. I feel better just even making this decision!!

Cripes – am I the most nuttiest of IF nutbags out there. Hmmm, sadly – I think so.

For the remaining part of this post, I am going to answer some questions that some commenters have left for me – so here goes:

Circus Princess asked – I am not sure why you need a donor. Is it your low number of eggs?

Hey CP (I am watching your 2WW very carefully and have my fingers crossed for you!!) – It is definitely because of the low number of eggs and if you look at the summary of my cycles, you will see that I have had a very poor response even though we tried all different protocols and were on the max meds allowed:

Cycle 1: Cancelled due to one large rogue follicle
Cycle 2: No eggs at pick up
Cycle 3: 1 egg at pick up, 1 low quality embryo, BFN
Cycle 4: 6 eggs at pick up, 2 embryos made it to day 2 and transferred, BFN
Cycle 5: Cancelled due to one large rogue follicle

After the 3rd cycle, my Fertility Specialist suggested donor eggs but I wasn’t ready to give up. After the 5th cycle, I did a lot of soul searching and realized that DE’s would be a good alternative.

Chelle asked – Why did you choose Thailand?

I researched Thailand, the United States, India and South Africa. One reason that we decided on Thailand was that the expat Aussie nurse that I came across who had had the treatment herself with this doctor gave me so much info and support and answered all of my millions of questions (the doctor has been fantastic - he comes back to me with answers always within 24hours and usually in a couple of hours). The main reason though is that it just felt right. JourneyMan and I had our honeymoon in Thailand (and had both been there separately before – we just love it, it is a gorgeous magical place) and even when we were looking at adoption, we hoped that we would get a child from Thailand. I know that sounds very airy fairy but honestly, it really just felt absolutely right.

K77 asked – Have you considered having the rudimentary horn (of my uterus) removed in order to curb the endo?

Yes, that was certainly one of the considerations that the doctor presented me with but he also advised that it would most likely weaken one wall of the uterus so I shouldn’t get it done if I am still planning to carry children. Certainly if we end up going to surrogacy or adoption, I would consider getting this operation done – gosh, the endo is a pain!!

Thanks for all of your questions everyone – I hope that you haven’t minded that this post is so long – gosh I have diarrhea of the keyboard sometimes.

Whoop, whoop – 39 days to go!!

Even sadder (Caution: Great Whinging Ahead)

Oh gosh – I am very sorry to those ICLW people who are visiting for the first time but I need to have a big, big whinge. Firstly, a quick thank you to Jill, Suraita, Tireegal, Lifeslurper and Guera for your lovely comments about what is happening to my Dad – it was very comforting to hear from your all, thanks a bunch.

JourneyMan’s sister is pregnant, she rang and told him today. They have been ‘trying’ for 2 months. I know I’m a monster for feeling as I do but I am in a downward spiral – I feel so angry, so sad and very, very ‘poor me’.

Every friend that I seem to confide in, really open up my heart to then seems to get pregnant within a couple of months of deciding that they want to have children. Each time that it happens, I feel like a confidant has been taken away from me and somewhat betrayed (I know I am a nutbag in my own defense). First there was the friend (No 1) who got married four weeks after JourneyMan and I, they started ‘trying’ at the same time as us, though it did take her 6 months to get pregnant (she cried every time she got her period) her daughter is now one. I am sure number 2 won’t be far off. Then there is the friend who I drove with to friend number 1’s baby shower. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got the whole story because I cried all the way to the baby shower and then all the way home. She has just had baby No 2 (both of her children conceived in the first month that her and her husband tried).

Then there is friend number 3 who I confided in when I was going to the gym with her to help her get in shape for her wedding. She got pregnant on her honeymoon. Then there is JourneyMan’s sister, who I confided in because we always got along so well. Now, of course, she is pregnant and I have to say, this one probably hurts more than all of the others. Firstly, because there are no children on JourneyMan’s side of the family and in my twisted little mind, I thought our child would be the first one and would therefore be special. On my side of the family, there are already 5 grandchildren so ours would just be one of the pack. Of course, if we ever actually have a baby, they will be special – they will be the most special and precious child in the world, to us.

The second fear is that I am becoming more and more isolated. I rarely talk to any of those friends about the IF journey anymore. I rarely talk to my mum and younger sister after they told me that I was becoming bitter and twisted (Mum) and that I needed to get over it and stop letting it run my life (younger sister). My main confidant is my bestie (she has never particularly wanted kids but she is very, very understanding and a top listener) though I also don’t want to spew all this negativity over her – unfortunately, that leaves all of you lovely ladies in the blogosphere who are so wonderfully supportive – I don’t know what I would have done without this blog!! Maybe I should start offering a service to people that are wanting to become pregnant – ‘Let me confide in you about my horrible IF journey and you will be pregnant within two months, guaranteed’ – I might even make enough money to go for the surrogacy option if the cycle in Thailand does not work out.

I guess that what this has really brought to my mind is that I am afraid that people won’t accept the child as really ours because he / she will be half Thai. It only started as a niggle to me when I was talking to the mother in law a while ago. She had said that JourneyMan and started to tell her about the Thai donor in front of JourneyMan’s Nanna and she stopped him because ‘she wouldn’t understand’. Which made me a bit nervous at the time about my MIL’s own acceptance of the situation. However, I comforted myself that the child would be the first grandchild so it would be hard for her not to be excited and love him / her. That has changed now though.

The independent, rebellious part of me thinks ‘who gives a fat rat’s clacker about what anyone else thinks of our child being half Thai’ but the more rational part of me thinks ‘but I want my child to have grandparents and aunts and uncle’s that love and spoil them’. I have no such worries about my own side of the family – my mum loves babies, ANY babies and my sisters and brother are all very supportive of our situation (my Mum is continually buying Tattslotto tickets for her and I saying that she will buy herself a grandchild if she wins!!). I guess I just don’t know JourneyMan’s people as well as my own.

Then there is the fear about Thailand that it is not going to work. I mean, if the cycle in Thailand works and I am pregnant then the SIL and I will be pregnant together and that would be fun and it would bring our families closer together. However, if Thailand doesn’t work, I will be devastated – I know that I won’t even want to see the SIL and yet I will have to go to more baby showers etc. I have tried so much to not think about this possibility – I need to get back to thinking about the logistics. Problem is, I have booked all the flights, accommodation and insurance. I have all of my prescriptions of all of the drugs filled. Our passports are being processed as we speak and pretty much, everything has been organized. Frick. I am going to have to keep busy this week going to the gym and working.

A bit sad...

I’m having trouble accepting what is happening with my Dad at the moment – it is a terrible situation. For those of you that don’t know, my Dad has hydrocephalus and really, he is now a completely different person than he used to be. Growing up, my Dad was one of the most motivated and fit people that I knew – he worked hard (as a toolmaker in his own business in the garage out back of the house), he was smart, he ran marathons, he was extremely social and has a huge circle of friends.

It is really hard to recognize him these days. He doesn’t get out of bed until midday, he just had a knee operation but refuses to do any of the rehab, he isolates himself as much as possible. He is aggressive and angry, he doesn’t remember anything – my poor Mum, I don’t know how she is doing it at the moment. I got to the fresh food market every Saturday morning with my Mum and sisters. My sister brought all of her 3 boys along today and the two oldest came in the car with us on the way home. We were talking about how Dad used to be and neither of them can remember.

It made me so sad to think about my own child (that hopefully is coming soon!) and how they will never have a chance to know my Dad how he was. It has been a rough couple of days because a nurse was talking to my Mum about putting his name down at a nursing home – my god, he is sixty freaking six for crying out loud – it is way, way too soon for that but because of the hydrocephalus he is very unstable and falls quite often and my poor mum (who has arthritis in her hands) has worlds of trouble getting him up.

In truth, I have been avoiding him. It makes me so mad because it seems like he has given up living and I want to yell and scream at him – which is why I have been avoiding him because I am scared I will yell at my sick Dad. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about him at the moment.

In other news, I have been reading many blogs because of ICLW (love that time of the month!) and I have found a few people who are feeling emotionally cut off from the cycles that they are doing. I have to admit – I feel quite the same about Thailand. I realized that all I have been concentrating on the actual logistics of the trip but not really considering too much the cycle itself. I am okay with that – I am a pretty obsessive person so the less I think about the cycle at this point, the better I believe!!

Why donor eggs in Thailand - answers here!!

So – finally I have come to the reason that we decided to go to Thailand to have a donor egg cycle. It has been very complicated but also very simple. On the simple side of things, we were running out of options and this seemed like the natural next step, on the complicated side – well, that’s a big story.

In the chain of events, I had had IVF cycle #4 in July 2008 and after the failure of that cycle, I had a Lap Band placed in September 2008. We didn’t go back to the Fertility Specialist until around October because I wanted to leave a good amount of time so that I would be thinking clearly when we went to see him. I wanted to discuss a laparoscopy. I have always had painful periods – sometimes so painful that I have ended up at the hospital. I have always had a very heavy flow and (TMI ahead) have always found it painful to have a bowel movement.

The weird thing is, I had never talked about this stuff with anyone, so I thought it was completely normal. My mum knew of my painful periods because she had taken me to the hospital when I was young. I had never seen a gynecologist. I had always had normal pap smears and a very regular cycle so there really was no thought given to anything being wrong. I have to be honest and say that I had always thought that I had endometriosis but I didn’t get anything done about it because I didn’t think that you could.

Anyway, I did want to talk to the fertility specialist about a laparoscopy and after a discussion with JourneyMan, we wanted to put vasectomy reversal back on the agenda – the main reason being that since I was getting around 1 embryo a cycle, we would do just as well to see if the vasectomy could be successfully reversed. After speaking to the Fertility Specialist about all of these options, he agreed that it was a good plan going forward so after 4 IVF cycles, I went in for a laparoscopy in November 2008. The laparoscopy revealed high incidence of endo which the doc cleaned out but some couldn’t be fixed because it was on a major vein of the uterus and he didn’t want to damage it. In this operation, he still thought that my uterus was bicornuate.

In December 2008, JourneyMan had his vasectomy reversed (he is going to do a post about his experience of that). He was pretty good and didn’t really whinge – all along he said that he would have the reversal and he was true to his word – it couldn’t have been fun – though I tell you, the laparoscopy was not a barrel of laughs either. I started getting very bad pain in January and after seeing the Fertility Specialist again in March – I had another laparoscopy. This was when my uterine abnormality was rediagnosed as a unicornuate uterus – with a non-communicative horn. I immediately started researching what this meant and it didn’t look good – I started to face the possibility that not only may I not be able to have my own biological child but also not even be able to carry a child in my deformed uterus. Thankfully at my next appointment my specialist said that my main uterus was should be sizable enough to be able to carry a pregnancy, it wasn’t far off full size though the endo was going to keep coming back because it was the non-communicative horn that was emptying into my body each month that was causing it.

From January to May, I was focused on weight loss and (with a lack of something to research) I also started to look at other alternatives available – such as donor eggs and surrogacy in countries other than my own. JourneyMan was focused on getting his swimmers back. Some hopeful corners of my heart still held out a cherished wish that we could somehow become pregnant through natural means so every month when my period turned up, my heart hurt a little more.

We went back to see the Fertility Specialist in May and found that JourneyMan’s sperm contained antibodies and there were very few with forward moving motility. It is hard to explain how I felt at this time – I guess I was really numb – even though we hadn’t even had a cycle in months and months and months, we seemed to have been dealt blow after blow. When I told my friends (not long ago) about my uterine disfigurement and JourneyMan’s sperm antibdies and no forward motility, they laughed. It wasn’t malicious in any way, just disbelief I guess but it still seared through me and even though there is some part of me that thinks that it is amusing in a ‘murphy’s law’ type way, I don’t really feel like laughing. Maybe I will when ‘it all works out and I have a baby in my arms’ but for the moment I feel more like crying than laughing.

So – now we finally get to ‘Why Thailand?’ Well, in Australia it is illegal to pay a donor (egg or sperm) for their services. Most clinics have a waiting list for donor eggs that are around 3 years – some don’t even accept people on their list anymore because of the waiting time. Generally, people who need donor eggs in Australia are forced into two routes:

1. A friend or family member
2. Advertising for a donor

I had a few people offer me their services – my sister-in-law was a genuine candidate though she has just turned 40 last week and now she is not in the position to do it anyway. My brother is an alcoholic too though unfortunately he is still on and off the wagon. Their lives are a mess right now and I couldn’t trespass on their lives in this way. My cousin’s partner also volunteered though she too is in her early 40’s – I was extremely touched by her offer. My best mate made a tentative offer as did my younger sister (I did not let them make a proper offer) but both of them are not married and may want to have children in their future and there is nothing that I would do to jeopardize their opportunities, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I am so lucky to have so many thoughtful, selfless people in my life. So, that left advertising which is rigorously monitored in my State – we would have to submit our advertisement to the government, wait for it to be approved etc.
I didn’t bring up the donor eggs in Thailand proposition with JourneyMan until after our fifth failed IVF cycle because I didn’t think that he would be willing to consider this option. He totally surprised me and was supportive right from the word go. I found a ex-pat Aussie woman who had had the procedure done and went back and forth with her about all of my questions. I have asked myself many times why I would rather go to Thailand and pay for the donor cycle rather than advertise in Australia. I am strangely comforted by the fact that it is a business transaction (but also disturbed that this comforts me). When thinking of my sister-in-law being the donor, my thoughts went to a situation where one of her children needed a kidney transplant and because my child would be a match, they would have to do it because ‘they owed’ my sister-in-law’s child. Very complicated. I know that there are complications this way as the child will have little opportunity to find anything out about their biological mother, morally – I feel it is in a strange zone but if the Thai woman is willing to donate her eggs, then I am willing to give her money for it. I once asked JourneyMan what he thought about the moral issues of us paying to use someone else’s egg and he said ‘the child is going to be completely loved – isn’t that the most important thing?’ – I say YES!

I'm back!!!

Holy cow, people – only 54 days until we go to Thailand – whoo hooo, I am SO excited, I can’t wait!! Gosh, I have had a busy, busy week with work, I am absolutely crazy at the moment and the bad news is my home computer is broken – booooo. The great news is that I am finally well again, thank goodness, I tell you – I was really over being sick!!

So, what has been happening? Well I did my 10km fun run on Sunday which was great! I didn’t run the whole way, probably about 8km of the course which I was very happy with!! I lay in bed at 6am on Sunday morning for about 15mins debating with myself whether I would do the run or not because my preparation was terrible – basically no running in the 2 weeks up to the run – not good! It was a gorgeous morning though and I thought even if I walked it will be a good experience and it certainly was.The Melbourne Marathon Run is pretty popular with thousands and thousands of participants in the four races. It is on a really scenic route through Melbourne and ends up with a lap of the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground) which is quite fabulous. I was up on the big screen for ages as I ran my lap and boy did I feel good when I crossed the line! I got a medal and everything – I love a good medal!I think I am going to do another 10km run in December to hopefully keep up the fitness, help the weight loss further and feel good about myself – there is a good one coming up – it is an all women one which is nice!

Anyway, I have booked our accommodation in Bangkok today and I am waiting to hear back for our accommodation in Hua Hin – I have also paid up our travel insurance, I have crossed off a few things off my list!!. I had a big list of items that I need to get done tomorrow but I have to do work – work has been absolutely crazy this week and there is no slowing down in sight, hopefully next week will be a bit better but I have my doubts. Anyway, I will get some more things done for Thailand tomorrow – I am back to my old ‘getting stuff done’ self - it’s nice to be back – yeah!!

I haven’t been to the gym this week which is a bit disappointing but, oh well – I will get back into it next week. I have actually lost more weight though, so that is good!! One thing that has been a little bit of a concern is that over the past week, I have nearly fainted about 5 times when I have stood up from sitting down. I am going to have to pay a visit to my GP I think.

Anyway – will catch up with you all soon!!

Cheers,

JourneyGirl