Being an Older Mother...

I did not have a choice in whether I was an older mother or a younger one – well, I suppose we all have choices but I didn’t meet JourneyMan until I was 34 and we were married just before I turned 36.  We knew that we were going to have to do IVF before we got married so we started IVF when I was 36.  I got pregnant with JBB when I was 38 so we suffered through 2 and a half years of cycles before we were successful.  I am now 41 and pregnant with Boo2 and hopefully he will arrive healthy and happy a few months before I turn 42.

So what does being an older mother mean to me?  Firstly, I think definitely think that the physical part of pregnancy, raising a newborn and a toddler is more demanding as I age.  This pregnancy is definitely physically harder than the last and there is only a few years between the pregnancies but I am definitely finding it a lot harder.  Then there is the recovery from the ceasar to deal with and a newborn whilst running around after a toddler, I think that will also be pretty demanding physically.  The biggest worry for me physically is ‘can I keep up with the demands of these two children?’ and mostly I answer that by knowing that I will have to be in my peak physical condition and take care of myself in order to be there for them for the longest time possible.  Once this pregnancy is done, the focus will definitely be on getting and staying fit again, eating as healthily as possible and allowing myself down time to recover (sometimes not an easy thing!).

In terms of my mental health, being an older mother is a great thing.  I have lived a full life, I have travelled extensively, I have been successful at my job, I read and research like there is no tomorrow.  I have had counselling through my life if I have hit snags, I am not afraid to ask for help if I need it – I am a super place mentally compared with myself 10 years ago (which I was a big mess but that doesn’t mean that all 31 year olds are!!).  I think I have a good outlook on life, I am happy with how I prioritise and my family is absolutely number 1.  I don’t feel like I have anything to prove in my career, I like my job but it is not my life.  There is no resentment that kids have interrupted my career – they certainly haven’t.  I used to look for meaning in what I did for a living, now I find meaning in the most everyday things:  finding a new meal that JBB loves to eat, seeing JBB squealing with laughter as he plays with the dog, teaching him to sing a new song, reading a story to him and seeing him understand more and more each day, taking pleasure in a bath on my own with a good book, finding new author’s to read, seeing a good movie, laughing at JourneyMan’s ‘dad’ jokes, discussing life with JourneyMan or my Bestie – life is good and a new baby will enhance that even more.

Emotionally, I know who I am.  I am happy to listen to advice from others (I have had some amazing help from people) but I am happy to trust that I know best for myself and for my family.  I believe that I am a good mother (being pregnancy couch bound notwithstanding) and that I am giving JBB the best start in life that I can.  Most of the time (cycle disappointments also notwithstanding), I think that I am a good wife, friend, daughter, sister, niece and coworker – I generally have good relationships with people and think that I am a good role model for my kids.

Financially, even though we have taken some serious hits doing IVF, I am reasonably stable in my ability to earn a good wage to contribute to our household budget and to give our kids a good environment, education and experiences in life.

So, my feelings, essence about being an older mother are generally good though I do feel that I need to do everything in my power to stay as physically healthy and happy as possible to be in my kid’s lives for as long as possible.  I don’t necessarily feel that it is ‘better’ being an older mother to being a younger one, I think that there is good and bad with both and that it depends on the person. 

I do hope that I will live long enough and that I am healthy enough to see and take care of my grandchildren!

Assumptions...

I am member of a private Facebook community of women who are going through IF technologies, are pregnant via IF or are parenting post IF.  For the most part, it is great to be a part of this community as it is very supportive of everyone but sometimes things happen that disturb me.

An incident happened yesterday though that made me really sad.  A girl posed the question ‘if I am a donor egg mother, will I be less of a mother?’  As you can imagine, she got a lot of responses to this question - some were good and some not so good.  Some people said things like ‘if you are having doubts, you need to work through it before continuing’ or ‘maybe you need some counselling to work through your issues’.  Someone said ‘if you are feeling ashamed, you will pass that feeling on to your child’.  I wasn’t really upset by the responses personally because all these questions told me was that these people haven’t actually be in this position before because there is no way in hell you would respond in that way if you had.

To me, the only answer to this question was a flat out ‘no’ (my actual response was ‘no way, no day’).  No, you will not be any less of a mother.  No, you will not love your child any less.  No, you will not treat this child any differently.  No.  No.  No.  Unfortunately very few people answered that question directly and tried to assume what was behind the question.  Doubts, shame, issues. 

How many times do all of us do that – answer the assumption behind the question rather than the question itself?  I was the only actual donor egg mother who responded but by the time I did, she had gotten extremely upset, thought that she was upsetting others and  removed herself from the group and blocked everyone.  I was really sad because I think she just needed to hear ‘no, you will not be any less of a mother’.

I wish I had of gotten in on the conversation earlier because I could have told her that I had my doubts before doing donor eggs but they were wiped away when the cutest, smartest, most loving child came into my life (**there is a chance that I am a little biased on this subject).  I would have also pointed out that surely it’s impossible to have doubts when you are going into something so unknown?  I would have told her that when I was up night and day for days on end when JBB had Kawasaki disease, I didn’t think I was a ‘donor egg mother’, I was just ‘mother’ – no more, no less.  Indeed, JBB tells everyone he meets that I am ‘mummy’.  I would tell her that I feel no shame that I couldn’t use my own eggs to have children, I only feel great pride that I was brave enough to walk this path, that I was an integral part in bringing this wonderful miracle into the world.

I also wish that people could have just answered the question that was asked and not assumed the motivation behind it.  I feel very sad that this woman came to us for support and we failed her.

The things people say...

I am still burning about a comment that one of the girls made to me when I picked up JBB from day care the other day. I had had a horrible day. I am still trying to find the best way to drive to and from work and the traffic on the way home was diabolical so I was late. Unfortunately, JBB was at the day care from 7am until 6:05pm. My nerves were frayed from the drive home knowing that I was eating in to my play time with JBB, with every passing minute I became more and more resentful of the time away from my darling boy. When I finally got there and saw him, my heart sang - the relief was amazing. It was short lived though, sadly - the girl said 'oh, here is the mother of the long lost baby'.

She might as well have punched me in the face, I was so shocked. Since then, I have run the gamut of emotions. Outrage that she could make such a judgement. Guilt that my little boy, the one that I went to hell and back to have, spent so long in day care, without me there to comfort and take care of him. Disappointment that my choices are so limited that if I want another baby, I have had to go back to work so soon. Anger at myself that some random woman's words could have such a profound effect on me.

I am hanging on a knife edge at the moment. I feel like if one small thing happens, I over-react hugely. I am really trying to hold it together as best as I possibly can. One agreement that I have made to myself is to make every moment with JBB count - no matter if it is when he is up in the middle of the night or he is giving me a cheeky smile when I get home, the time I have with him is precious.

Realisations

Well people, I had a fabulous day with my little JBB yesterday. Apparently he was an angel at the creche - though he did not like being by himself in the play pen - he likes watching the kids run around does this little man, I think he is a little social butterfly. After a good hard workout, I picked him up (and was hugely rewarded by one of his million dollar smiles) and we went for a swim. It was the first time that I had taken him to the pool by myself and this is a great one as it is heated up for good temperatures for the babies and toddlers.

It was an extremely interesting experience. There is something that I had not admitted to myself and honestly, when I tell you what the realisation that I had was, you are going to think that I have some sort of brain disorder. Okay, after I had changed JBB into his cute bathers and wrestled all of our stuff down to poolside, we eased our way in. I finally looked around a bit and seriously, it was mother and baby central. There were so many mums and kids around that it was ridiculous and that was when I had the realisation - I'm one of them, I'm a mother!! This really floored me and of course I had to laugh at how long it has taken for me to realise this very important fact.

I have been going to this gym for years, the mothers and babies have always been there and of course at first I looked at them and thought 'soon I will be one of you' but after awhile I learnt to avert my eyes - I was worried that I would never be one of them. Now I am one of them. It was a strange feeling, I thought that it would have meant more to me than it actually did. What meant the most to me was that JBB had an absolute ball in the pool, we had the most beautiful, fun time together. I am a confident swimmer, I love the water, it is extremely soothing to me, I am calm and confident around the water (but extremely vigilant!!) - I hope that this love of the water is something that I can pass on to him.

When battling IF, I thought that the word 'mother' would be the be all and end all to me and certainly it is in some ways but I think about how I viewed it then and it was really all about me, what I could give to a baby if I had one, how it would effect me, what I could do to nurture this human being. Now I realised that being a mother is not about me at all, it is about the child. It is not just what I want anymore, though of course I still like to have time for myself so that I can be sustained as a person. It is not about what I think is nurturing because each child is different and likes to be nurtured in different ways. I think that if we can allow it, the mother is created from the child and not the other way around. I don't know if I am making sense but it has been a profound realisation to me - it has reached right into the heart of who I am and who I hope to be.

Another realisation that I had was that in some small, strange way, I didn't really want people looking at me with JBB lest I be seen as being show-offery. I've never really like the attention on me, the only thing that I was nervous about on our wedding day was that everyone would be looking at me. What a strange feeling to have, I was quite surprised by it because I am absolutely proud of JBB, I love people looking at him - it would hurt my heart though if I was someone that a person struggling with IF looked at me with JBB and they were hurt by our carefree fun. I still stand next to my IF sisters and I do not want to ever hurt anyone though I realise that unless I have a little bio of my experiences pinned to my shirt, people will make just assume that we didn't have a struggle to get this little fellow.

I also realise that I look at my own mother differently now. I knew that she had done a great job in raising the four of us kids - though we have all had our issues, we have been strong and fought through them. I look at her now and realise the time she spent allowing me to become the person that I am today. At one point in my life, I wondered why she didn't push me to become a more competitive swimmer, I was pretty talented apparently and I had thoughts that I might have gotten somewhere if she had of given me some nudges. When I asked her a couple of years ago about why she didn't push me, she said that if I really wanted to be a competitive swimmer, I would have made it happen myself, I wouldn't have let anything stop me from becoming it. I used to be dissatisfied by this answer because I thought that she had somehow taken away some success from me because she didn't want to push me. Now I think that she was right, she knows me very well - when pushed, I generally rebel and end up hating whatever it was that I was doing - everything has to be my choice. In the end, she gave me a wonderful gift. I still love to swim, I still love the water, I still find peace there - if she pushed me, that would have most likely not been the case.

I also remember walking with my mum after a failed cycle. I couldn't stop crying and she grabbed me and hugged me in the middle of the walking track, with tears streaming down her own cheeks. I remember her saying, please let me do something to help, please just tell me what I can do. I have tears streaming down my face now remembering that day, I was so caught up in my own pain, I didn't realise her feeling of helplessness at not being able to do something to ease the pain in me. I am not saying that it took me to be a mother to realise this but I just think that I am finally starting to heal from all of those failed cycles because I didn't have the time before, I was still mired in the struggle and using all of my energy just to survive.

My mum said something lovely to me today. She said that she was so proud of how I am doing with JBB. She said that she loves it how calm and confident that I am around him and how great and at ease he is with other people because I have not been shy about letting others interact with him. I can't tell you what this means to me.

I am one very, very lucky woman!!

Happy JBB Creation Day!!

Today is the one year anniversary of the creation of our little popsicle, JBB!! This time last year, we were in Thailand and were anxiously awaiting the fertilisation results. In honour of the one year anniversary of our wonderfully successful trip to Thailand, I took a trip down memory lane this week and re-read my posts of a year ago.

It strikes me that I am quite a different person than I was a year ago. I was totally frenzied. Understandably so, I believe as the stakes were so high. There wasn't a moment unaccounted for in the lead up to the trip, I was either planning, packing, researching, blogging or thinking about the trip and what was going to happen. That being said, once I got there I chilled out enormously. Oh I was still nervous and anxious but definitely more chilled out.

The past year has been the most joyous of my life. Every moment that I look at our darling JBB, I thank goodness that he is in our lives. Even when he is giving us the big oo-wah-aa's, he is delightful!!

In other news, I had a bit of a breakthrough when speaking with my bestie. I was telling her about the counselling and what I had felt and for the first time, I didn't cry when I remembered those first two cycles - it is like a weight has lifted off me. I talked to JourneyMan about it as well as my Mum and cried floods but I think in shining a light on those deep, dark feelings within me - the shadows have up and fled.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments - I appreciate each and every one of you, you are so helpful and supportive.

Today, my Mum and Dad dropped in briefly and of course my Dad said about JBB 'he's a little miracle' as he does every time that he sees him. This time it didn't piss me off because deep down I didn't think I deserved it. I just smiled and agreed - he sure is and I am his Mum!!

Counselling...

Last week I had a session with a counsellor provided through the local council for new parents. This week, JourneyMan joined me. It has been quite illuminating though tonight I am quite sad.

I have been exploring the reasons why I have been crying so often recently - I knew that there was a reason underneath and it seems we are pretty close to finding out why. Last week we talked about how to handle when strangers ask about who JBB looks like without lying and also about how I may not have fully grieved not having my own biological children. I thought that I had so it did not completely ring true for me. We did talk about how I have a coping mechanism that is probably harming my ability to get past things at the moment. Anytime I even think of something 'bad' about being a mother - ie. sleep deprivation, worry etc I immediately have to think 'But I am absolutely grateful to be a mother'. It has become quite a compulsion and she said that she thought that it was harming my ability to move past these small issues. The other thing that I realised was that I am constantly on edge for JourneyMan to say 'well you wanted to be a mother, you just have to deal with it'. Of course, thankfully when I voiced this concern to JourneyMan, he allayed my fears and I felt quite relieved.

Today the counsellor asked us to talk about our failed IVF cycles because she thought that the source of my getting upset had it roots from this time. I am going to explore it a bit more on here because I think that I have finally uncovered where the issue is. We talked about the first cycle.

So, how did we start IVF in the first place? As JourneyMan had had a vasectomy, we thought that he would simply be able to get it reversed and pouf, pregnant! JourneyMan went to see the GP and got a referral to a specialist - this was even before we were married. We both went to see the specialist and when we were checking in with the receptionist, she said 'we always put fertility treatments in the name of the female'. I was floored at this point and looked questioningly at JourneyMan - he shrugged. We filled out the forms and went and sat in the waiting room - 'fertility - are we at the right place?' we whispered to each other - we were very confused, were we there for JourneyMan to have a vasectomy reversal, what the hell did fertility have to do with it? Oh how naive we were!!

The appointment was very strange - he said that JourneyMan could have a vasectomy reversal and we would wait approximately 6-12 months for the chance of getting pregnant or we could got with an IVF cycle straight away doing a needle biopsy on JourneyMan and use ICSI. I remember discussing it on the way home in the car and JourneyMan's initial reaction was that he didn't want to conceive a child via IVF because of the stigma attached, I didn't mind that but it was the waiting that bothered me the most. After having the tests and speaking to the specialist again and many long discussions, we decided that we would pursue IVF. By this time we had gotten married, had our honeymoon and a few months to consider all of our options. When we decided on IVF, we had to jump through all of the hoops until we were finally ready to actually start the cycle.

The whole process was strange. The counselling that was mandatory was a joke, it didn't deal with any of the issues but was just more of a 'check this box and sign off that you understand' type of situation. I devoured every piece of information that I could but I still felt like I was in a foreign country and couldn't speak the language - it was confusing as hell. I look back at the person that I was at the beginning of that cycle and barely recognise her - she was an optimist, she was a positive thinker, she thought that things always turned out for the best, she believed in herself, she had survived some stuff in her life but was courageous and faced up to challenges.

I approached the cycle with supreme optimism. There was a scary moment when the pur.egon pen did not work correctly and I panicked and called the specialist. It was weird doing the injections but I was not unused to them considering I had to have Clex.ane injections when I went overseas. I was sure that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant on the first go, after all, I was a positive thinker and did everything that was asked of me.

When the call came to cancel the cycle, I was in the car park at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I asked them to repeat the news at least a couple of times. I felt lost, devastated, confused, hurt. I didn't know what to do with myself. I called JourneyMan and his main response was that we could try again. I feel that I changed on that day. I felt like my soul had been slapped, hard. It was so unexpected. I searched for meaning, I tried to think of what I had done wrong, I looked everywhere for a reason.

The next cycle started around 6 weeks after the last one. Christmas and New Year happened in between, with me of course dreaming that the following Christmas I would have a baby in my arms. I had convinced myself that the first cycle was just a trial run, they just had not found the right drug dosage - everything would be fine the next go. I approached the next cycle with a lot less positivity. I was cautious and once again disappointed to find out that I only had 3 follicles. We still went to egg pick up and JourneyMan had the needle biopsy. The hospital is a bit like a battery hen farm - you could see all of the couples who were also getting their eggs farmed, most of us, hopeful and trying to recover from the procedure. The doctor came to see JourneyMan and I and told us that they retrieved no eggs. Once again, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, I felt unworthy, I felt like I wasn't a proper woman.

I had never cried like I did on that day (though I have done so since). I howled like an animal, I felt like my soul was torn. I can't remember that day without crying, in fact I am crying now - the hurt is still there. I think that those two cycles altered who I am.

Fast forward to now. I think that the reason that I am afraid of people commenting on JBB not looking like me is not because I don't want to explain that he is a donor egg baby but because there is still some feeling that I am not worthy of being his mother, that I don't deserve it because I am not a proper woman. My Dad constantly comments that JBB is a 'little miracle' and he certainly is but I noticed that whenever he said that, I would get annoyed. I think mainly because I feel like I don't deserve this beautiful miracle.

This has been hard to write but I am doing so in hopes that it will help me heal. Needless to say, I am going to continue the counselling - I need to heal these IVF shaped holes in my heart.

Secret Keeper

That is what I feel like - a keeper of secret moments between JBB and I. JourneyMan is visiting with his nephew tonight (I saw his cutieness yesterday) and I have just come back from JBB's room realising just how lucky I am. I mean, it's not as if I didn't know, I surely did but tonight it has gone deeper within me, I have felt more grateful than I have ever felt before. So what happened to cause this revelation? Nothing much. I have been working on my Christmas list with JBB in bed when he woke up and started squeaking (not really crying, just complaining a little), I let him got for a little to see if he settled himself but he didn't so I went in and picked him up and sang his sleepy song (you've got a friend). As I was singing to him, he gave me some gorgeous smiles as he usually does. He settled pretty much straight away and I put him back in to the cot.

How lucky am I that I was able to comfort this little miracle? The privilege of this takes my breath away. These are the secret moments of a mother - knowing how to comfort JBB, being able to distinguish the difference between the cry of hunger from the cry to be comforted. Learning what makes him smile and laugh (the first time that he laughed was when I made an ooooooooh sound with a funny face - he is easily pleased), choosing to entertain and play with him rather than empty the dishwasher. Knowing what songs that he likes to hear (most of them made up by me - one day I sang nearly every word to him all day). Seeing his face light up in the morning when I sing his good morning song.

This motherhood caper is such a learning experience, every day I learn something new about this little boy - how to entertain him, how to comfort him, how to make him smile, how to make him laugh - it the best thing ever!!

I am dreading going back to work - I want to be the one that still holds these secrets but unfortunately I am going to miss some of the firsts of the things that he does. I don't know how I am going to deal with that but I am not going to worry about that now, for the moment I am the keeper of secret moments.

The Donor Egg Mother (Part 2)

This is the belated second part of the post that I did a couple of weeks ago - it still has been bubbling around within me. As usual, I would like to put in the disclaimer that there is nothing that I am more grateful in my life than JBB, every day, I am shocked with how much I love him more and more. This is not about being grateful, this is about something underneath, something that I don't think that I have quite dealt with yet.

JourneyMan and I went to the final session of our council run 'Baby Makes 3' course on Thursday night. Both of us have found this course quite wonderful, it has given us plenty to talk about and work out as well as some great ideas to help us as a family going forwards. As part of the final wrap up, the facilitators handed out the number of a counsellor that we could go and see individually or as a couple if we so chose to. After the course, I went to ask the facilitator privately if I could discuss my situation regarding JBB being a donor egg baby with the cousellor. She, of course, said that it was fine but what shocked me was that I started crying. Poor old JourneyMan didn't know what the hell was up because I was fine the previous minute before. I rushed him off to the car and started sobbing. The crazy thing is, I don't really know myself though I am starting to have an inkling.

I guess it started when JourneyMan's Aunt asked me at lunch 'Oh, JBB's skin is so beautiful and dark, where did he get that from?'. I wasn't prepared for a question framed in that way and when I said that JBB is a donor egg baby, she seemed a little embarrassed and quickly changed the subject. Then last week I was over at a girlfriend's for lunch and there were a few gals there who were all commenting on how much on each others' new babies were starting to look like them - you know, things like 'oh, so and so is really starting to look like you around the eyes now'. Strangely enough and as a bit of a side point, I have never been able to see that a baby looks like a parent or not. Anyway, this has happened a few times and each time the same thoughts run through my head. Firstly, I hear - 'that will never happen to me', which is quickly followed by 'who cares?', which then leads on to 'is there some part of me that cares - why would I bring this up to myself?' and then I start to feel guilty and beat myself up a bit. This goes round and round for a while.

I talked to JourneyMan about this the other night and he was wonderful - he is completely heartfelt in his knowledge that he understands that I am not saying that there is anything wrong with my bond with JBB or that I am anything less that esctatic about having JBB in our family - he knows that I am just trying to express myself so that I can find out what the feeling is underneath the tears.

I am now wondering about whether I have not completely grieved being able to have my own biological child or whether it is simply that I have not prepared myself for the situations that I have been placed in or could it even just be hormones. In some respects I do feel very alone because there are very few people that understand my situation. I am definitely a person that likes to be prepared for situations and how I would like to handle them. In some ways I am disappointed with myself that I didn't think to prepare myself for these earlier but I can't beat myself up too much, I have been very busy chasing after that little wigglemunch, JBB!!

Okay - so I kind of feel better about this going forward. I am going to try this as a plan:

1. If people ask where JBB got his beautiful skin (surprisingly this is asked fairly often cos honestly, he has the most divine skin you have ever seen - thankfully not my freckled version and JourneyMan, well, he has skin of the very pale variety!!), I am going to openly say that he is a donor egg baby who is our beloved miracle. I will be open to questions and will happily answer them but if the person seems to be embarrassed, I will be happy to answer anything that anyone has to ask.

2. When people are talking about their own children, and how they look like them, I am going to remember our beautiful holiday to Thailand that we had to have our darling boy. I am going to look closely at my gorgeous son, I am going to search his features and see if there is anything I would change about him because I know with absolute 100% certainty, there is nothing I would change - he is one of the reasons that I rejoice every day. I am going to hold that precious gift of his presence in my heart and smile knowingly to myself that when my friends, family or anyone else are looking at their children and seeing themselves - I will look at my JBB and see a beautiful miracle that I am priveleged to behold.

I am sure that I am going to trip over these situations more in the future but I am not afraid of looking at them now.

It has been a tough week for my darling JourneyMan. His Nanna died on Tuesday morning. She was a wonderfully warm and beautiful woman. We were lucky enough to see her last Saturday when they called all of the family in. JourneyMan was able to sit with her and spend some time showing off JBB to her - it was very special. My heart has hurt for him as he loved his Nanna dearly.

The Donor Egg Mother

This post has been bubbling away in me for awhile but I have waited and waited to post it basically because I don't really know how to express myself about it. I have having a tough time articulating my feelings here but I have decided to just go ahead and see what comes out.

There is a lingering feeling of 'what the?' about being a 'Donor Egg Mother'. It is not that I feel separate from JBB, I don't - I couldn't love him any more than I do - I love him with a ferocious, protective passion. It is not that I care that he doesn't look like me, he looks like my fabulous husband which is a wonderfully beautiful thing to me. JBB is beautifully perfect in every way - why would I want to change him?

I think it is because of the label 'Donor Egg Mother'. Why do I feel the need to label myself so when I really am just 'Mother'? I think that the problem here is myself because it plays on that age old fear within me that I never fit in anywhere - maybe I even relish this fact because it is comfortable. Even though I have plenty of friends who are Mum's there is no-one in my life who can exactly relate to how I am feeling.

There is also an element of fear that JBB will be angry because of the choices that we made. I know that it sounds irrational but what if he ends up hating me because of the lengths that we went to to have him?

I also feel some fear about telling our gorgeous JBB. How can we ensure that he understands how his life began? How can we ensure that he understand that we would do anything to bring him into our lives and that he is no different from any other boy?

Sorry, gotta go - JBB is ready to eat!! Will continue this post later (and will update you on how JourneyMan has lost his job - stress city here I tell you!!).

Time is marching on!!

Cripes - I realised that I hadn't posted in 3 weeks, honestly - it felt like only 3 days ago time is moving so quickly!! Motherhood is wonderful, I am loving every minute of it and JBB is growing like a little weed!!

He has started to smile which is absolutely heart melting and I am constantly trying to make him smile all the time which I am sure is quite exhausting for him. He has teased us a few times with some long sleeps - one night he slept for 6 hours and one night he slept for 7 hours (which was bliss!!) but for the most part he is sleeping for around 3-4 hours at a time.

I feel like I have settled in to motherhood now. At the beginning I was worried every minute that I was doing something wrong or that I was going to hurt him. Now that things have settled down a bit, I am feeling more confident that I can settle him if he is crying or attend to whatever need that he has at a time. I am starting to trust myself with him a bit more.

We have also started talking about when we are going back to Thailand to get a little brother or sister for JBB and we are hoping to go back in July next year - whoo hoo, I am very excited!! JourneyMan couldn't believe that I wanted to do it so quickly but there are some practical reasons to get moving so soon - firstly, I am going to be turning 40 next year and I would like to be pregnant again before I hit the big four O. Secondly, the OB has said that your body stays more prepared for another pregnancy for 12 months after the birth of the first one so as always, I would like to give myself the best chance of conceiving so that is the main reason that we will go back.

The days seem to speed by at the moment - I have had a lot on and I am hoping that it will settle down a bit over the next month. I think that JBB and I have been going out a bit too much lately - I am going to try to stay home a bit more over the next month. I think that after not driving for 6 weeks, I got a bit carried away and started going out to too many places!! I went to the OB at 6 weeks and all was excellent, which was great.

I did have a momentous occasion at 6 weeks - I was able to stop the blood thinning injections. Whoo hooo - that was a great day since I had been having hte daily injections since November and I was pretty over it (though I do think it was a critical factor in the success of my conception and pregnancy of JBB so I will not complain too much!!). Now I only take my vitamins every day which is lovely!

I took JBB in to work on Wednesday and boy was he a show stopper. He had bit smiles for all the girls - I think he is going to be a heart breaker for sure!!

Well, I have to catch up on some reading - I promise to post more often!!

The Physical Impact of Motherhood.

I felt like I was pretty prepared to be a mother. I thought that I had read heaps of books and had talked to as many mothers as I knew to get a picture of what motherhood was about. One thing that I didn't understand was the physical impact of motherhood.

Over the past 10 years, I have been pretty fit and I have set and achieved many physical challenges over this time. I have competed in 5K, 10K runs and even a half marathon. I even hiked up to Everest base camp in Nepal with my bestie. However, the biggest physical challenge that I ever participated in was a 100km (62 miles) walk over 48 hours. It was a walk for charity and I competed in a team with my sister in law and a couple of her friends. We trained for it for 6 months and it was absolutely full on.

The 100km culminated in the last 10km climbing up a mountain (not that we have very big mountains in Australia but it was a mountain nonetheless). As long as you walked through each check point - you could leave the course and have a rest at any time, which we did on the first night. We had walked for 14 hours that day and went to my brother's place (which was close to the course) and 'slept' - I use inverted comma's here because basically all I did was lie there for a couple of hours feeling my whole body throbbing.

So, why am I telling you this story? The other night, I got up to feed JBB at around 3am - generally he is feeding a couple of times during the night so I am not really having more than around 2 hours of sleep in a row at any one time (JourneyMan was feeding him expressed milk for one of the night feeds for a while so that I could get a bit more sleep but the maternal health nurse put the kaibosh on that saying that I would reduce my breast milk if I continued to do this regularly). Once I had fed JBB, I went back to bed at about 4am and tried to go back to sleep. As I lay in bed, I realised that my body felt like that night that I was in the middle of the charity walk - the whole thing was throbbing.

It is quite amazing the toll that this motherhood caper can take on your body. That being said though, I look at JBB's peaceful sleeping face and the tiredness and throbbing, exhausted body is forgotten.

It also hasn't helped that I was completely inactive throughout the pregnancy - I am going to have to start getting (slowly) back into shape. I am hoping that the weather is nice on Monday - I am going to venture out for a walk with JBB, just a small one, to see how I go!

Why do I want to be a mother?

I have been thinking about being a Mum lately. JourneyMan asked me very early on in our relationship why I wanted to be a mother. I stumbled over it at the time because how can you define something that you feel is your basic right? Over the years, I have come back to the question again and again. I don't really know if I have a better answer than it is something that I want in every fibre of my being.

I have always wanted to have a family of my own. There are a million reasons why and there are none. I guess one of the reasons that I stumbled to answer the question previously was that some part of me used to believe that it was for selfish reasons. So I would have the love of a child for the rest of my life, so that I would be surrounded by family, so that I would leave a legacy in the world. None of those reasons really mean that much to me though. Over the time of IF, I have become clearer.

One of the main things that I have realised is that I have an eternal well of love within me that I want to share with a child. Believe it or not, my JourneyDog that is Woolly is the one that has made me realise that. Unfortunately, he also bears the brunt of being treated like a baby at times (I have been known to blurt on his tummy - his response is to play bite my nose, he is unimpressed). It has been a good lesson in responsibility as well as consistency in discipline - he is a great teacher.

I also fear it as well, I mean - I don't want to be a bad parent. I am sure that many parents who are over protective or smothering or harsh on their child also have good intentions. After all, how do I know I will be a good mother?

I read an article whilst we were in Perth. It was talking about the global financial crisis and how more and more people are having to now wait for things instead of being able to buy them straight away. The article was talking about how making yourself wait for things can be more satisfying. I know that it is not the same thing (as we have been forced to wait rather than making the choice ourselves) but I did draw some comfort from the psychologist saying that after waiting for something that we really want, you feel a good deal more appreciation for the item than you would have if you were able to get it immediately.

I know I will appreciate this child when she (yes, I believe she is a she!!) comes along. I know that the waiting will have inceased that appreciation a thousand fold. I know that I will savour the moments more than I may have if motherhood had of come easier than it has. I know that my relationship with JourneyMan has deepened over the time of our wrestling with IF. It may have done so anyway but for me, I am blown away by the wonderful man that I am married to - his capacity for love, laughter and comfort - I am one lucky woman.

I think that our little holiday to Perth crystallised to me that there are positives that I have gained from the IF journey. The ability to cherish my relationship, the absolute appreciation when I finally hold that baby in my arms, that I believe in my own strength and resilience. I wish that it didn't have to be this way because it has been hard but I have to say, I am liking more and more what I see in the mirror and feel in my heart and that cannot be understimated.

So, why do I want to be a mother? I still can't tell you - it is in every corner of my being. Will I be a good mother - well, let's hope that I will find out soon.