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Friday, March 16, 2012

The Question

There is a question that has been playing around the edges of my mind. It is one that I don't want to face and the thought of it scares the hell out of me. The past few weeks have been tough. I have gone underground because I don't really know how to express myself at the moment and then when the whole PAIL debacle happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am exhausted. JBB has been very cranky lately and has taken to screaming, an ear piercing teeth hurting scream whenever he doesn't get his way, even over the smallest thing. I'm so emotional, I burst into tears myself at the smallest thing.

I feel wrong, just absolutely wrong. My motivation is super low, I have gone off the rails with my diet in a big way. I take offense to anything anyone says to me, even the most innocuous of comments. I even went to the endocrinologist to get tested for my thyroid because I felt that this was the reason that I felt like such utter crap. Nope, am healthy as a horse and I had a complete breakdown because I am healthy, yes, because I am healthy (well, apart from the excess weight, fertility issues, deformities inside and a blood disorder).

I realized today that I was upset that it wasn't a thyroid issue because at least that was easily treatable. Sadly, I have to face the fact that I am probably super stressed and maybe even the 'd' word (depression). I didn't want it to be that because I know that the remedy for stress is to 'relax' and we all know how fun that freaking word is. Seriously, I do know that being stressed is going to negatively effect the next cycle but how the Frick do I 'relax' without wanting to take to people with a bat?

So, really not in a good way but even worse is the question that I don't want to face: if I am so stressed and not coping with one child, how the hell do I think I'm going to cope with two? Is that why the past two cycles have not worked. It makes me sick just thinking about that.


  1. Sweetie, I am so sorry you are not doing well. All of this is very frustrating. Dealing with toddlers can be exhausting and adding everything else doesn't help either. Take care of yourself.

  2. You poor soul - you have got a lot to deal with. I think that it's easy to forget, after finally having a baby, what a huge and difficult journey you had to get there and how! You go straight from the exhaustion and stress of IF and treatments to the exhaustion and stress of pregnancy to the exhaustion and stress of being a mother. PLUS - you're not ALLOWED to complain or ask for too much help or say you're not 100% happy because - hey! - this is what you wanted all along, right? I find myself smiling through gritted teeth at people who, when I tell them I've had a bad night with the boy, say "still, you won't mind that after everything you've been through". It would still be nice to get a full night's sleep sometime in the next decade. Postnatal depression is much more common in women who have been through infertility and/or loss and can hit quite a while after the birth. I find myself in a similar situation, with a demanding boy, a demanding job, no "me" time and asking myself whether my desire for number two, however mad it might be health-wise, might be madder in terms of my sanity!

  3. I just came across your blog and am really struggling with our family's next steps. I was told I was infertile, not even a candidate for IVF, when I was 38 years old. After much consideration, my husband and I decided to get on the wait list for an egg donor. Miraculously I became pregnant naturally and was beyond thrilled to give birth in late 2009 to a healthy baby girl. I realized how lucky we were, believe me. But I wanted my daughter to have a sibling. So, after much more medical second opinions and failed therapies, we are going down either the adoption or egg donor route, perhaps concurrently. I will be 42 years old this year and chalked up my hot flashes after pregnancy to hormonal fluctuations since I was breastfeeding my daughter for over a year. However, they have increased in intensity and frequency and I question myself all the time, too. Why am I "forcing" the issue? Why can't I be "satisfied" with the miracle we already have? Should I accept that a "one time" older mother is enough of a toll on my body, my emotions, our finances, our relationship, our lifestyle? What's the right answer? Needless to say, I can relate. But deep down, I KNOW bringing another child into our lives will enrich all of our lives beyond measure. Or do I? Ask me five different days, you'll get five different answers. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength and luck.

  4. Huge hugs to you. I'm so sorry things are so rough right now and I hope you feel better soon. Parenting isn't easy and it can be exhausting and frustrating. Take care of you. xo

  5. Oh my gosh. You just totally read my mind. We are on our first cycle of clomid ttc #2 and as I sit here at work and type this my house is a disaster and I can't make it through one day without taking a nap. Literally, a nap supercedes chores in my home that need to be done and I am trying for another one? What the...? I can't figure it out. I had my thyroid tested and was tested for anemia and the doctor called the next day and said "there is no medical explanation for why you are so fatigued". I feel lost, I feel behind yet here I am trying for another. Am I trying because that's what I feel I am supposed to do at this point in my life, produce a sibling? I am not sure. I love my daughter and I want her to have a sibling I just feel like I can't handle the one I have. I was put on depression meds. They were supposed to give me energy...I still nap daily. Ever since I had my daughter I can't make it through a day without a nap. I hope things get better for you. You just convinced me to go back to the Doctor!

  6. Hopefully this makes you feel better: I know we all have those days. I have definitely had my share. We sit here and try so hard for another baby, but then there are days when the one you have makes you wonder if you could even handle another one. I can think of a few occasions that thought has crossed my mind. One time it was when I was driving home from the store, and BB had been an absolute PILL at the store. I walked in, handed her off to her dad (this was in the past 6 moths), and told him I didn't think I should have any more kids because I couldn't handle the one I had.

    As with all things, these feels ebb and tide.

    Right now, you have a LOT going on, especially with your dad. I would be a basket case if my dad was going through what yours is. I am sure I would be slighly despondent to life because my dad is my rock.

    Add what is going on with your dad to your last two failed cycles and an impending try, and that's enough to send any sane person to the loony bin. Its a LOT to handle, process, and work through.

    Normally I would tell you to go pamper yourself, but I know that when I feel the way you do right now, very little helps. You just have to dig in your heals, grit your teeth, and hang on for dear life. Eventually you will be the bird on top of the wheel again. Hopefully you are on your way out of the mud right now.


    1. sorry I have been MIA. I am so sorry you are going through all this. It is a lot for anyone, and you sound so overwhelmed - which just sounds like a horrible place to be. I don't have any good advice but I am rooting for you and sending you big big hugs and hoping for some good news for you soon!