It must be said out loud....

I am struggling.  I feel inadequate.  I am worried.

The past week has been a tough one, not so much for the boys, for me.  I am feeling very down about myself.  I thought I would have bounced back from the pregnancy, surgery better than I have.  I thought I would have more energy than I do.  I thought I would feel more like myself.  Unfortunately, I don't.  One of the biggest concerns is that noise is really affecting me right now - our heater is quite loud and JBB has been yelling a lot, the dog is always barking, Boo2 cries (though not that often I have to admit) - I feel a little bit that I am going crazy from all the noise.

Of course, I am also dead tired - I mean what mother of a newborn isn't?  The relentlessness of the feeding, changing and settling is full on. Exhaustion makes so many things much harder, it seems to magnify everything.  I know that I have months of this bone crunching exhaustion left.

I also can't help but be upset by things - I think that most of the time that I am overreacting because I am tired.  We have been looking at a little book that I made up of JBB's journey - we have been looking to see the similarities between JBB and Boo2.  In that book is a picture of my Dad holding JBB and I can't help but get upset that my Dad didn't get to meet Boo2, he would have loved him so much.  JBB and my Dad had such a touching relationship but Boo2 will never experience it, it makes me sad.  This one sounds really stupid but lately JBB has been saying that he barracks for my husbands footy team - I know that doesn't seem like a big deal to most people but I had such a nice relationship with my Dad about the footy, I wanted to share it with the boys.  I know JourneyMan thinks I am crazy but he is JBB's hero - JBB does everything he does.  He is the one that gets to play footy with them and he is the hero - I guess I selfishly wanted something for me.  I know it's stupid, I will get over it.

I have tried to get on board with my healthy eating and exercise and I had two really good weeks but this past week has been a bit of a disaster.  I have been comfort eating a lot because I don't feel great - this has always been a problem for me and it has been exacerbated over the past month.  There is a desperation in me to lose this weight, I am the highest weight I have ever been and I am hugely concerned because I want to be a healthy role model for my boys and also around for a long time.  I want to be a participant in their lives and not be on the sidelines and for that I need to be fit.  

I am also worried about money, I think I am going to have to go back to work earlier than was first thought (after 5 months) and this is so disappointing because I feel like I miss so much when I am at work.  I think for the most part, I am a good Mum but the fact that so many other people get to look after my boys and see their firsts brings me down.  On the other hand, if I am working, the money worries for us almost disappear and I can relax a lot more.  It is such a hard choice.

I find myself not having as much patience that I normally have with JBB and he is certainly testing my patience at the moment.  He is also having a bit of a hard time, I think - he has dropped his nap and so is tired all the time and very cranky.  He is trying to assert his authority in many ways and has been very mischievous.  I feel bad because I want to be giving him the attention that he wants but I also need to be giving Boo2 attention.  I hope that we can get back to a good routine soon.

The weather hasn't been helping, it has been absolutely freezing and raining the whole week so getting outside has been a challenge.  I think that we all have a bit of cabin fever at the moment.

The very hard part about being a Mum is that many times, the things that we do to take care of ourselves, means spending a little time away from our kids.  For me, this means that I feel guilty about it and worried that I am missing something.  Time goes so fast and I don't want to miss anything.

I had a bit of a break yesterday, I went and had a coffee with my sister and just verbalising my concerns made me feel a lot better.  I find that once I put these things out in the world, rather than keeping them inside, I feel a lot better.  

Endings and Beginnings...

It is pretty hard to get to the computer at the moment, not much time to spare in the Journey house, lots of feeding, changing, sleeping, bathing and trying to be a good parent going on!!

I went for the 6 week check up with the OB yesterday, the last time that I will see him and all went well.  It has been a pretty tough recovery but all the same, I am recovering well.  He has been a wonderful, wonderful part of the team who have brought JBB and Boo2 into our lives, he was a lovely calm voice in times of white knuckle fear.  He was able to deal with all of my various massive issues with aplomb.  He gave us the wonderful gifts of the safe delivery of our sons, I will always be grateful to him.  I have been given the all clear to do everything in my life, so I am kicking up my exercise plan a gear so that I can get my fitness back.  At one point in my appointment, he did start talking about contraception - seriously, I laughed for a while at that.

I also had my last injection of clexane this week - this was a couple of weeks shy of a year of injections.  I cannot wave goodbye to these forever because I still have to have them when I go on long flights but it is only for three days at departure and 3 days at arrival - no biggie after doing these things for years.  I am SOOOOO happy that I don't have to have them every day anymore, I was well over them by the end.

I had an unwelcome arrival a couple of weeks ago, my stinking period turned up - this despite breastfeeding exclusively - seriously, what is that, it is absolutely crap.  The pain from it was excruciating as well, I was writhing on the floor in the foetal position, it was so bad - worse that the recovery from the c-section.  This happened after JBB as well and if it is the same as that, I have almost a year of this ahead of me **sigh**.

Other endings:

Goodbye 'up the clacker' ultrasounds, I will not miss you

Goodbye progesterone pessaries and spoilt underwear

Goodbye fear inducing pregnancies

Goodbye to handfuls of drugs each day

Goodbye to cancelling family holidays to have cycles

Goodbye to putting our lives on hold

Goodbye to the roller coaster of IVF

Beginnings:

We are thinking of buying land and building a house (eep!!)

I have started my new healthy lifestyle - I have to get fit to keep up with these two boys

We are planning our first 'non-cycle' trip to Thailand (since our honeymoon) in October 2014 - we want the boys to grow up knowing Thailand

Family life - that is what we are the most excited about - living as a family

Boo2 update

He is an absolute darling.  He is finally getting some meat on his bones, he is growing and changing every day - it is a privilege to be his mum.  I am exclusively breastfeeding which I am proud of and I know that he is getting enough because he is a very docile, satisfied baby.  Of course, I am still not getting that much sleep at night but it's worth it to see him growing and flourishing.  He has recovered well from his bronchiolitis but we do have an appointment to see an ear nose and throat specialist because he may have a loose larynx?!?!  He gives us a smile now and he loves to vocalise, he is a little talker.  He loves time to kick around.  He shocked us one night last week when he rolled over though I am pretty sure that was a one off accident at this point.  He is very much like his brother but also very different.

JBB loves his brother, he has been super good with him, always kissing him and wanting to hold him and see him - it is wonderful to see.  He has even improved at swimming lessons, putting his ears in the water when floating on his back because Boo2 can do it in the bath.  JBB is SO excited for him to grow up and play with him.

I am so proud of my boys, I do feel so, so lucky.