4 Weeks to Go - Minutiae

It has been a pretty good week, though I still have swollen glands and a barking cough – I have been to the doctor and she has given me some anti biotics so hopefully that will knock it on the head soon.  Other than that, I am still feeling very ready for the cycle and getting really excited now.  We have an embryo that is the exact quality that JBB was so I am hoping that this

Most of the week, my bestie and I have been consumed with the minutiae of the trip.  We constantly discuss the trip down to the smallest detail and the thing that is making me the most happy is that we have been examining any stressors on the trip and eliminating them one by one.  For example, we have booked a car and driver for us to use on the day of the transfer.  It really is not that far from the hotel but for both transfers last year, I have gotten on the train going the wrong way and have had to get off at the next stop and rush back.  Once I go in for the transfer, my bestie will then take the car and driver and go and shop to her hearts content!!  Another item that has been organised is JBB.  JBB goes to bed at 7pm and as JourneyMan is taking us to the airport we will need to leave at around 7:30pm.  We have been looking for someone to come over to our place and sit in the house while JBB is snoozing there but my Mum wasn’t able to because she can’t really leave my Dad for that long now and JourneyMan’s Mum is working on that night.  I realised that my Mum is minding JBB on the Friday while JourneyMan was at work so asked if JBB could have a sleepover that night, which she of course said yes to – bless her!!  It means that we can get JBB tucked in with Nanna and then head off to the airport.  Gosh, I am going to miss him sooooooo much when I’m away.  We are planning to Skype every day so hopefully it will keep us all happy.

The funny thing about discussing the minutiae of the trip with my bestie is that JourneyMan is very unlike me in this respect.  I told him what we had been discussing and he said he preferred to be in the ‘macronutia’ and that if he was coming the only thing he would be concerned about is plane-hotel-clinic-hotel-plane home.  This I know for sure!!  He has tried to make fun of me saying things like ‘oh, I think that you should have a decaf coffee before you go in for the transfer’ at this place or that place and the funny thing is, we’ve already talked about those things.  I like the planning of a holiday, it serves to make the holiday way more fun in my mind!!

 There was also a day spent discussing JBB’s birthday party.  We are having his 2^nd birthday party at our new house and it is also for my sister (who’s birthday is on the same day as JBB), my sister’s husband and my Aunt.  It is family only (a apart from my bestie who is my family!!) which means that there are around 30 people coming.  I had pretty much done all the menu and a few people were helping out with some dishes but I have found a wholesale party food place who will provide a pack of food and 50 balloons and deliver to us on the morning of the party – sooooo happy!!  One thing that I do want to do for JBB (and also his sister or brother when they come along) is to make them a special birthday cake every year.  Last year because we had the big combined (with my 40^th) birthday party, I made and decorated 90 cupcakes and arranged them into the shape of a big number 1.  This year I am making a train cake which I am sure he is going to totally love!!  I have to admit, I have gone a bit over the top with his birthday presents, I just keep on seeing things that he would love and buying them – he is so spoilt!!

So, the trip is very organised.  Our finances are very healthy and I have also submitted my quarterly tax on time – yayers!!  Once we hit August, it will be all go – there is a lot to organise and do.  I am very excited now and I am still feeling very ready to be pregnant again and to hold a little baby in my arms again.

Ready.....

Now that I have mostly shaken off the illness of the past week or so, I have come to face the undeniable fact that I am now ready.  Ready to go to Thailand, ready for another cycle, ready for another baby.  I have not been this ready since we went to Thailand the first time to have JBB.  

I feel good in my body (I have lost almost 20kg’s / 42lbs), despite not doing any running this past week – I can easily run 5km, so I feel very fit and strong.  My body is now ready for another pregnancy.  I have decided to stop the running from now on because it is really taxing me – I am wanting the next 38 days to be all about, replenishing, nourishing and nurturing my body so that I am 100% ready to go for the transfer.  That doesn’t mean that I am stopping exercise, I am not – I still plan on walking an hour a day, at least 5-6 times per week.  I do need to get back to doing my yoga – that makes me feel very stretched and strong as well.  I will be doing that 5-6 times per week also.

We are now ready in our living situation as well.  We are in a house that has plenty of space for all of us as well as ample to bring another person into our family.  JBB and JourneyDog absolutely love the space to run around in and we have a new bedroom all ready and waiting for a little baby to come and join us!  We haven’t completely set the baby’s room up yet, we just haven’t had a chance to.  I don’t mind though, that space is all there ready for our new little one to arrive.  Previously, we were in a 2 bedroom unit with a small living area and a courtyard, now we are in a 3 bedroom house with a nice living area and a good sized backyard.  We are also in a very family friendly neighbourhood rather than on a main road where we were before..  I know that we would have been able to bring a baby into that unit and it would have been okay but I would much rather have the extra space and the baby to have a room all of their own rather than share.

I am now ready in my mind.  I now feel extremely confident that I can handle a new baby coming into our lives.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t think that there will be times when I am tearing my hair out from exhaustion and frustration – no, I understand that 2 children means double the work, it’s just that I know in my heart that I can handle it now (there were definitely doubts before).  In hindsight, I wasn’t ready in October last year and I still wasn’t in December.  I feel, I was more trying to work to a timeline rather than readying myself for another pregnancy and baby.  I really wanted it all to be ‘over with’ rather than concentrating on accepting another miracle into our lives and building our lives into the kind of family life that we will all enjoy.

I also mainly wanted a sibling for JBB and whilst this has not changed, I also want another baby for myself and JourneyMan.  Previously, I had believed that if I hadn’t wanted a sibling for JBB so badly, I would have moved past IVF altogether and gotten on with our lives.  That’s not true now.  I want to have another baby to relish their differences from JBB, to be pregnant again (and hopefully not worry as much this time), to have a newborn and see them changing every day.  Once my sister had her baby, my heart started to yearn again for a baby in the house.

I don’t necessarily think that this ‘readiness’ is the difference between success and failure of the cycle – who knows why any cycle is a success or a failure?  However, I do feel much better in myself about my own preparedness.  I haven’t been 100% on my plan to do all of my complimentary therapies but I feel that I have done enough.  Enough that if it is negative that I am not going to beat up on myself and blame myself for it.  It will just not be the right time.  Don’t get me wrong, if it is negative, I will be upset and will grieve very much (certainly because it is our last ditch effort for a full blood sibling for JBB) but I am not going to fillet myself with thoughts and words.  I have spent the past 8 months between cycles very well.  I have worked on myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.  We have also changed our living situation considerably, we are all happier.

So, I am ready – what am I going to do with these last 38 days?!??!?!  

Oh yes, packing, cleaning, organising JBB’s 2^nd Birthday, cooking some food for JourneyMan and JBB to have while I am away – oh yeah, still lots to do!!

Great Post O Whinging (read at own risk)

It is a sad fact that I am feeling pretty miserable at the moment.  The weather for one is really getting me down.  I have been getting up at 5am a few times a week to go running and it is very cold and it’s raining so much. This morning, I just couldn’t face getting out of bed and going for a run in the rain again today – yesterday, I was saturated when I got home and I felt cold for the rest of the day.  The building at work is also cold so I am sitting at my desk all day freezing, my bestie and I go for a walk at lunch time and because of the rain, we walk up and down the mulit level car park (so that we don’t get wet) for an hour – it is hardly inspirational scenery., the concrete jungle of a car park.  I am also pretty strictly dieting so that I can lose as much weight as possible before I go to Thailand for the cycle.  Basically I feel like I am in ‘Survivor’, I am cold and hungry (and sometimes battling the elements in physical challenges) most of the time.

To add to my misery this past week, the cramps have come back.  The past few months I have been relatively cramp free – this is a huge improvement from the 3 weeks per month of cramping that I had been having previously but now they are back again and with a vengeance!!  I think probably because I am on the pill it is throwing my hormones out again.  It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, I hope that it won’t be the whole time until I go to Thailand.

I also must say that I am tired of this journey.  Just bone tired.  I was reading through my blog yesterday and I realised that we are actually coming up on our six year anniversary of dealing with infertility and cycles.  In all of that 6 years the only time that I haven’t been considering a cycle, preparing for a cycle or going through a cycle was during the time that I was pregnant with JBB.  Even then I was calculating how long we would need before we could go back and try again.  The mental, physical and emotional energy needed to go through a cycle is phenomenal.  To keep fronting up cycle after cycle takes a monumental effort.  In the beginning, we were in a huge hurry because I was 35 and the clock was ticking ominously.  In a few weeks, I am going to be turning 41 – nuff said.

I know that it is our choice to try for another child, I don’t need any well meaning friends or relatives to tell me how lucky I am to have JBB and that I should be satisfied with our success (if you are looking for a really great article about what to say and what not to say to someone who is experiencing infertility – go here).  I absolutely 100% realise how lucky that I am and since I am his mother, I want the best for him and I want him to have a sibling to go through life with.  I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for our son to grow up with a sibling.  I will do as much as I possibly can to make this happen (which is why I will continue to walk in the concrete jungle and run in the rain and diet until I go).

Unless you’ve been through it, most people don’t understand just how much planning cycles, preparing for cycles, going through cycles and recovering from cycles infiltrates every part of your life.  From the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed at night – every decision that I make is considered with the cycle in mind.  Even something so simple as getting the timing of medications, supplements and Chinese herbs right takes a good plan to make sure that there are no contraindications etc.

I know that I am just having a down day, I know that I am lucky and that many others are still battling in the trenches without any success.  I know that I am a big whinger.  I will not be angry if you have skipped over this post – there is only so much whinging anyone can take.

There is no possibility of a time warp, right - seriously, I feel as if time is going in super slow motion right now.  I usually would never say this but I really wish it would speed up a bit.

I am sure that the sun will come out tomorrow – right?!?!?

Irked by the Fertiles

Some days I don't feel like I have dealt with the infertile in me all, some days the things that Fertiles say, no matter how innocuous, feel like they are stabbing my heart. I know that it is my own issue to deal with, I know that I should probably have gotten over it by now but just when I think my infertile heart has the armour to withstand the things people say, an arrow gets through.

During the week, I went to a doctor to get some blood tests done that the naturopath had recommended. I was in the waiting room and there was another woman in there is a couple of months old baby. She annoyed me right off the bat because she talked about everything in a loud voice for everyone to hear, I really don't like that, I like to keep myself to myself and don't want to be forced to listen to other people's issues. I heard all about their trip to Fiji and how the baby needed immunisations (and perhaps a boat considering the country is flooded right now - meee-ow!) I heard how her husband is away and she was having to get up to the baby and the toddler on her own at night. I could have also marked down when her next appointment with the doctor was, it was a 10 minute discussion to get the date correct. Then I found out that they had to 'hurry up and have their third baby very soon because the doctor was retiring'.

This was at the point in which I did a mental double take. I mean, doesn't she have to plan for a year to start trying, go back to work early, save up money, lose weight, remove all chemicals fro her life, go to counseling, see her acupuncturist each week, do yoga every day, do detox hydrotherapies every day, only eat organically, buy air purifiers, vitamin supplements, organic cotton sheets and pj's, have fertility tea every day, listen to subliminals, do hypnosis, they to get her whole family to send positive thoughts via elephant key rings, find time to meditate, do positive imaging exercises, make up a mind map and find a way to remove all stress. No, apparently all she needs to do is to get her husband to free up a day or two in the next month and she will be knocked up again and able to have her doctor of choice for her third pregnancy because God forbid, she wouldnt want to have to **gasp** find another doctor for her pregnancy, that would be way too hard.

Okay, whinge over, I'm off to have a clay bath.

The Plan

So, you may have noticed that I have added a couple of tickers to the blog.

Firstly, another countdown to when I leave to go to Thailand for the next cycle. I have been booked in for awhile but I have wanted to keep it under wraps for a bit because of a ‘time limit’ issue that I have been working through. In short, I have been feeling very pressured because I have constantly had time limits ie. I not only need to lose weight, I need to lose it in a certain time, we need to get ourselves back together financially but also within a certain time. Time limits had previously been a huge motivating factor for me but it seem that the rebellious side of me had been rebelling against them for a bit. Now I am a bit more on track. These few sentences do not convey the pressure that I feel that I am constantly working to a time frame - I have been trying to write a post on it for about a month and I think I am going to have to give up trying to express this and just say 'it's a lot of pressure'.

It has been a very fine balance working out when to next go to Thailand for a cycle. Once again, I will be going without my darlings JourneyMan and JBB but I am hoping that my bestie will be able to make the trip with me – that will be a lot nicer than going on my own! The balance comes where I want to give myself enough time to make a difference to my weight, our financial status, state of mind as well as our house but not too far in advance that I feel that it will never be over. I am not sure if I have said this on the blog before but we have decided our end time. We have decided that if the next frozen cycle does not work, we will have one more fresh cycle (with a new donor) and then try with any embryo’s frozen. I figure that we would be finished by the end of 2013 – which seems pretty far off but at least there is an end date now.

Secondly, I am in need of losing a great deal of weight, so that is the other ticker. I am hoping that this will motivate me towards my goal of weight loss. I had been kidding myself on the last two cycles that my weight didn’t matter and honestly, maybe it doesn’t but I am not willing to go into another cycle with doubt. This is one part that I can control so I am going to help myself out here. I need it for the health reasons anyway. I have surprised myself again by letting my weight get away from me - seriously, am I learning impaired?

Anyway - the weight loss is only one goal that I am going for in the 150 days until I embark on another cycle in Thailand. Here are my overall goals for the next 5 months:

Physical:

My physical self needs some work. I am still very exhausted though a trip to the naturopath has me taking magnesium, vitamin d and iron which I noticed has helped out a little (it doesn't help with tiredness derived from a little cheeky man getting up at 3am a few days in a row but nevertheless, there has been a little increase in energy). I am focusing on detoxification, losing weight, strengthen my body through exercise, nourishing it with high quality foods and making our lives as chemical free as possible. At the end of the day, when we went to Thailand for the cycle that we got JBB, I felt good about myself - I wasn't in my healthy weight range but I felt healthy and strong and at the end of the day, all of the below goals are to help me to feel healthy and strong for the next cycle (and also for myself, I would definitely like to feel healthy and strong again).

On top of the measures listed below - I also visit an acupuncturist once a week and have the chinese herbs twice a day. I also see a naturopath to ensure that my vitamin and mineral intake is good and I see an osteopath to make sure that my back is behaving (which it hasn't been lately). This makes for a lot of appointments but I am hoping that the osteopath and naturopath will go to a once a month type situation shortly as it will be more maintenance.

Chemical Free:

• No caffeine as of 16th April (I'm allowing myself 1 coffee a day until 130 days before I go)
• No pain killers / anti inflammatories / medications as of 16th April (I am having trouble with my back and I am hoping it will be alot better by this time)
• Remove chemical cleaners from the house & use natural ones - Kitchen cleaners removed and bathroom cleared of items by the end of Easter
• Use no-chemical make up and personal products - have started this one already
• Eat organic or hormone free, free range foods - have started this already

In the pursuit of being chemical free - I have also got organic cotton pj's and sheets. We have bought an air purifier and have some indoor plants so that we are breathing nice air. I am also working on having a daily homegrown wheatgrass juice and I say working on it because I have all of the stuff but haven't worked out how to do it yet!! I am constantly seeking out ways to eliminate toxins from our lives. I am now looking at only using our stainless steel cookware.

Lose weight / nourishment:

Many of you know that I have a lap band which I have had pretty loose since the pregnancy because I hadn't reconciled myself to have to lose weight. I have finally done that now and I will be utilising the band as a tool to reduce my calorie intake. As usual, it is hugely important to eat exceedingly well to ensure that I am getting enough vitamins and minerals whilst I am restricting my calories - it is not only about weight loss, I am wanting to be as healthy as I can possibly be as well. Here are a few of my goals:

• Eat high quality, nourishing foods
• Take daily vitamins and minerals as prescribed by naturopath
• Track calorie intake through Body Media FIT program
• Take chinese herbs twice daily

Exercise:

I really like how I feel when I am fit and strong and I haven't really been that since we went to Thailand to get JBB. I ran a 10km a couple of months before we made the first trip to Thailand to get JBB so I am aiming to be fit enough to do another 10km before I go in August. My sister in law is going to do the 5km and 10km races that we have picked out - we have run together before and we have a really fun time doing it so that will make it a bit easier!!

• Run 5km - I am aiming for a 5km fun run on 29 April (I have quite a bit of work to do for this one!!)
• Run 10km - I am aiming for a 10km fun run on 15 July
• Yoga daily - I have a 4 week rotating program of 4 moves a day (plus breathing exercises and a relaxation at the end)
• Weights program at the gym 3 times per week - I have my program, I just need to do it to get my strength up
• Walk at lunch times and as much as possible at any other time - it is nice walking with my bestie at work, we get to chat but also have a nice time walking as well!!

Detoxification:

As well as stopping chemicals from going in, I want to get rid of as many from my body as possible and to that end, I have a range of activities that I want to do each week to help the detoxification along - here are those that I want to do:

• Skin brushing daily
• Clay bath once a week
• Castor oil pack twice a week
• Clay foot bath once a week
• Naturopath liver detox powder twice daily

Mind / Body Connection:

I really believe that I need to be prepared in the mind and as you may have noticed from my recent posts, I have not been travelling that well mentally. To that end, I am seeing a psychologist every fortnight to work through some issues - it is pretty helpful and certainly the ACT techniques that she has taught me has been really helpful in dealing with the overwhelming emotions that I have running around at the moment. I also have some good books and cd's on creating 'fertile' images in my mind and I have some hypnosis and subliminal recordings that I like very much so I will continue to pursue them.

• See psychologist - fortnightly
• Use ACT techniques to defuse emotions - whenever necessary
• Schedule time in each day / week to relax - I am having a little trouble with this though I do have a bath most days which is generally relaxing (except for when JBB barges in and starts throwing things in the bath - that's not so that relaxing - though it is nice when he comes in to give me a kiss)
• Imaging - I have done a small amount of this but need to get more consistent
• Mind Map - I had one for a variety of things when we went to get JBB, need to get a new one done!
• Subliminals - I just need to transfer these to my new phone (I am a destroyer of iPhones - I have submerged 2 in liquid and last week dropped one onto concrete and shattered the screen - der!!)
• Hypnosis - I have some really nice ones that I use and so I will continue with those (though of course, have to transfer them to the new phone)
• Make myself ready for another baby - this is a big one. I have identified in the two negative cycles last year that I was more focussed on 'getting the whole ivf thing behind us' rather than the chance to have another baby, I hadn't even imagined what it would be like to have another one - I have now - I am really focussed on thinking about the actual reason that I am doing this. JourneyMan recently found a bag of elephant keyrings that we got on one of our trips to Thailand (maybe even the honeymoon!!) that we were supposed to give out to people but hadn't. I have put it on my keyring now and every time I look at it, I think of having another baby - it is very motivating! I have also passed them out to the important people in our lives and have asked them to send positive thoughts for the cycle when they look at it. I like the idea of a river of positive thoughts flowing through till I go to Thailand - I am hoping that the river becomes a flood by then!
• Meditation - I have always rebelled against meditation, I find it very hard to quiet my mind but I am thinking that even if I just start small (like a couple of minutes or so) that I might be able to build up to a bit longer over time.
  

Financial:

The past couple of years have been tough on the finances. I had 6 months off with JBB - we wanted to have more time but JourneyMan lost his job and our savings were used up fast. On top of that, we had the fresh cycle with all of us trekking over to Thailand and then another one at Christmas. All of this has left our finances in a pretty shabby state. We have some debt that needs to be sorted out, some tax obligations for the business that I need to get done (it is hard not to keep delaying when I am in 'cycle' mode). I don't know how much this affects my fertility but certainly I feel better and a lot less stressed if everything is sorted out and is all under control. I definitely need some focus in this area. I am also considering working an extra day in order to get out of debt and save more but this will be a wrench as it will be another day away from JBB. Here are some of my goals:

• Bills paid on time each month - I have lost the run of myself with this one, I used to be very good about getting our budget done and bills paid on time so I need to get some focus back here
• Taxes complete and up to date - I have an appointment with the accountant next Wednesday - it is going to be a mad scramble to get things everything ready but I have to do it to get it out to the way
• Debt reducing weekly - I have set up a calendar appointment to get these paid off weekly - we should be able to make a dent in this pretty quickly
• Stay within budget - We have been a bit loose with our budget - we really need to stay within so we can get ourselves back in order
• Save money so that I can have 12 months off work with the new baby

House:

One of the things that I identified that we did before we went to Thailand to get JBB was to get the house ready for a baby. Prior to that, the spare bedroom was basically a dumping ground and just had crap everywhere - no way a baby could go in there. Before Thailand, we made the controversial decision of making it into a nursery and putting baby items in there (that my sister had given us) before we even had a baby to go in there but we really got ready for success. So, one of the things that I realised over the past couple of months is that I didn't really know if we had enough room for a baby in our house (really a 2 bedroom unit) and I thought that I should at least know whether we could fit another baby in the house before we decided to have one!! Anyway, I did a big clean out of JBB's room and it has now become a room that JBB and the new baby can share. We definitely have enough room - we just need to get a bed in there with a new mattress - which I think we will do over Easter. I also feel that we need to get into good cleaning and cooking routines - we have been a bit haphazard with this, I just don't feel it is totally under control.

• Room ready for new baby (almost there, just need the new bed and mattress)
• Bedded down routines for the cleaning (if I do another day of work, we may investigate a cleaner)
• Bedded down routines for the cooking (I'm pretty good with this but always need to have back up food in the freezer of casseroles and things)

Sleep:

As for any parent of a toddler, sleep is at a premium. I definitely am not getting enough sleep at the moment - JBB has been waking up in the middle of the night again (on Saturday night because he had vomited all over his bed poor thing) and the last couple of nights as well. JourneyMan is great because he is very good about getting up and getting him but I find that I always have trouble going back to sleep. Today, I have been up since 3am, though I did sneak in a 15min powernap in the carpark before I got to work. I am not really sure what to do about this because I also find that if I have a nap during the day, I find it hard to get to sleep at night. I am going to have to rethink how I do things to see if I can get some more 'catch up' sleep if I need it - am not really sure how that will happen at this point but I definitely know that I don't want to go to Thailand completely exhausted like I have the last 2 times.

Expectations:

I know that these expectations are very high. There is a lot to do with not much time to do it in (amongst taking care of JBB, cooking, cleaning & working). I am going to try my best and I am also going to not listen to 'Moaning Myrna - the Mean Hearted Beartch' who talks in my head and criticises everything that I do (silly cow). I just want to give us the best chance of having another baby (or babies - would love twins - speaking of being time poor!!). I want to feel like I have done everything possible for this cycle and whilst I may not live up to every minute little detail of this plan, I will feel good if I can get most of the way there to doing it.

Thanks for reading this far if you got there - I know that this was as really long post but I needed to get all of this out.

The Question

There is a question that has been playing around the edges of my mind. It is one that I don't want to face and the thought of it scares the hell out of me. The past few weeks have been tough. I have gone underground because I don't really know how to express myself at the moment and then when the whole PAIL debacle happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am exhausted. JBB has been very cranky lately and has taken to screaming, an ear piercing teeth hurting scream whenever he doesn't get his way, even over the smallest thing. I'm so emotional, I burst into tears myself at the smallest thing.

I feel wrong, just absolutely wrong. My motivation is super low, I have gone off the rails with my diet in a big way. I take offense to anything anyone says to me, even the most innocuous of comments. I even went to the endocrinologist to get tested for my thyroid because I felt that this was the reason that I felt like such utter crap. Nope, am healthy as a horse and I had a complete breakdown because I am healthy, yes, because I am healthy (well, apart from the excess weight, fertility issues, deformities inside and a blood disorder).

I realized today that I was upset that it wasn't a thyroid issue because at least that was easily treatable. Sadly, I have to face the fact that I am probably super stressed and maybe even the 'd' word (depression). I didn't want it to be that because I know that the remedy for stress is to 'relax' and we all know how fun that freaking word is. Seriously, I do know that being stressed is going to negatively effect the next cycle but how the Frick do I 'relax' without wanting to take to people with a bat?

So, really not in a good way but even worse is the question that I don't want to face: if I am so stressed and not coping with one child, how the hell do I think I'm going to cope with two? Is that why the past two cycles have not worked. It makes me sick just thinking about that.

Cycle 7: Thailand 2 Begins...

The cycle has now started!! I have started the birth control pill which will continue until 20 September and along with this comes, my old friend, the Cle.xane injections – booo. I will start the Progy.nova on 25 September is all goes to plan (which is hasn’t particularly this past week).

I have had a few tense moments earlier in the week because of course the period was 3 days late which caused me some angst as well as a flurry of emails back and forth to the clinic in Thailand. The angst was also not helped by me doing a spreadsheeted comparison of this cycle compared to the last cycle that we were successful with JBB – I freaked out when I realised that there was a huge difference in the protocol.

After quite a few days back and forth, they adjusted the cycle and told me to trust them. This was eerily like the first cycle when I freaked out because the transfer was going to be so late within my cycle though this time I was concerned because the transfer was much earlier in the cycle. I really do have to trust them, they did a great job last time and I have to hope that it will be just as good this time.

It is the control, you see, I feel so powerless – it is now largely out of my hands, I have been doing whatever I can to get my body ready. I think that is the thing that I find the hardest of all about this IF journey – I have endlessly tried to control the uncontrollable – you would think that I would have learnt not to years ago.

I have a lot to do over the next few weeks but I feel like I am pretty organised. I am hoping to have most of the packing done this weekend (apart from the last minute items of course – it helps that we are in the beginning of Spring and will go straight to summer clothes). I know that it seems crazy to be packing so far out but I am trying to reduce my stress levels as much as I can in the lead up to when we go.

Once we get to Bangkok, we will get in some serious fun and relaxation – plus, just the fact that there is no cooking or cleaning to do while we are there makes for a lot better cycle experience!!

I am hoping that 7 is a lucky number for us. Number 6 has always been my lucky number as I was born on the 6th August but 7 also runs a close second because my Mum and Nanna were both born on the 7th of August – I am hoping for their help on this cycle!!