Two Weeks

Our Tiny Boo2 is two weeks old, I am amazed that the time has gone so fast.  He is feeding so well and I am really happy that I have plenty of milk for him as well - with JBB we needed to top him up every night with formula but we don't have to do that with Boo2.  We have an appointment with the maternal health nurse tomorrow so I am looking forward to a good weight gain.  A girlfriend who was due on the same day as I was had her baby a couple of days ago, also a boy but he was almost double Boo2's weight at birth.  Boo2 was in 00000 clothes when he was born but he is already too long for those now - he is very, very skinny (but very healthy, thank goodness!!).  I'm thankful every day that they got him out a little earlier since he had stopped growing.  He is one hungry kid, let me tell you.

He is a pretty chilled out baby, eats well, sleeps well and has a little chat (aaaaah) when he is awake.  He has quite an intense stare and he likes to check out everything around him when he is awake.  I am feeding on demand and he usually goes around 3-4 hours between feeds, sometimes (like yesterday) he will go through a cluster of 3-4 feeds in around 4 or 5 hours.

It is taking me a long time to recover from the c-section, there is still quite a bit of pain and it feels like such a longer road back to health this time. I also am very concerned about my weight - I definitely need to start losing some weight as it got out of control during the pregnancy.  This is hugely important to me because I am an older mother, I need to be in tip top shape to be able to chase after my boys but also to be there as long as possible in their lives.  I hope to be around and fit enough to enjoy being a grandmother but that will mean that I need to be in absolute top fitness (i.e. if they wait until they are in their 30's to have kids, I will be in my 70's - eeep!!!).

JBB is an awesome big brother, he is so gentle with Boo2 and loves to give him kisses and hold him.  I am so proud of him.  We did have a rough time last week because he was way out of his routine and wasn't having his afternoon sleeps so we were in tantrum city. Thankfully this week, he is back having his afternoon sleeps again and we have a much more harmonious household.  It is great to have JourneyMan at home to help out with the two of them as I definitely would be struggling if I was on my own since I can't pick up JBB at the moment because of the c-section.

Last week, I was feeling pretty low because JBB was having lots of tantrums and I felt like all I was doing was telling him off.  Now we are in a bit of a better routine and we are now back to having lots of cuddles and I make sure that I spend some one on one time with him every day.

The hormones have gotten to me a bit as well.  Last week JBB said that one of his friends at daycare had told him to 'go away' and I burst into tears.  

It is interesting though what a difference experience makes.  With JBB I was pretty stressed out because I didn't have enough milk for him and had to top him up with formula.  I also was really shocked at the relentlessness of getting up every 2-4 hours to feed, it was quite a change to how our lives were before and of course, nothing could prepare you for how that was.  This time, I am tired but for the most part it is just something I do.  I think that the hardest thing that I have dealt with over the past 3 years is when JBB got sick.  Those weeks were the worst of my life.  I was up for almost a week without sleep as I was holding him whilst he whimpered with pain for days on end.  If I dozed off, I would wake up and rediscover that the nightmare was still real.  

I think that the experience of that terrifying time has given me really good perspective.  I hear Boo2 crying with hunger and whilst I am tired, I am also happy to get up and give him some food.  It's a time that I am relishing being with him, just him and me.  It is the last time that I will be breastfeeding a newborn so I am enjoying every minute.  

Two weeks, where does the time go?

Pop's Boy

This week, I have been thinking about my Dad a lot.  I don't really know why but I think that it started on Wednesday when I took JBB to see his Nanna (my Mum) as she had been away for a week.  As I was putting him in the car when I picked him up from daycare - I told him that we were going to see Nanna, he then asked 'Pop too?'.  Over the next few days, I had a few periods of crying, crying because I miss my Dad, crying for the time that mine son could no longer spend with him - they had such special time together.

I couldn't stop thinking about 'Pop's Boy' - that's what my Dad called JBB.  Every time he walked in the door, he said 'is that Pop's Boy? and JBB would go over to him, lean in and Dad would pat him on the head.  I was always touched by their relationship, it made me so happy that they could spend time together.  When I was in Thailand, my Mum called JourneyMan and JBB over to the house the morning that my Dad died, they spent time with him.  It hurts me very much that I was not able to comfort my Dad when he was near the end, just for him to know that I was there, a touch on his cheek, to hold his hand.  Moreso, it's upsetting that I didn't see the final interactions between JBB and my Dad, those are memories that I will never have.  

Still all through the week, 'Pop's Boy' kept running through my head and I didn't understand why until I was having breakfast with my Mum and older sister yesterday.  I realised that the precious baby that I am carrying is the first grandchild that my Dad will not see.  He will not give him or her a nickname, he will not call out to them as they come running in the door.  I absolutely know that I my Dad would be so happy that I am pregnant, I know that he wanted me to go to Thailand when I did.  I am just sad, really sad that my kids will miss out on him being in their lives.  I'm sad that he is no longer in mine.

JBB is one month old today!

Wow, what a month it's been - it has been the best month of my life!! Our gorgeous little popsicle is really running our lives and it is absolutely wonderful!!

We had a great day today - we had a family walk this morning. It was great to have time to catch up and chat with JourneyMan, it has been completely hectic and most of the time we are feeding, settling, changing or playing with the little one or else we are sleeping. We then went out for lunch and in the afternoon worked on JBB's baby book. It has been a wonderful and challenging month.

One month ago today, they showed me little JBB - the image of him covered in the amniotic fluid is etched in my mind and will be forever. I can't even explain the feeling that I had at that moment. It was definitley overwhelming relief and joy but there was also a surreal and shocked feeling as well.

I cannot believe that work that it takes to take care of this little bundle. I have had some frustrated moments but at those times I think of the times that I dreamed of being in this position. I definitely think that the IF journey has made me appreciate this wonderful journey more - especially as it can be quite challenging.

Breastfeeding has been a challenge. There has been a number of times when JBB has been screaming because I haven't got enough milk so I have to give him formula. At those times, I can't help but feel like a bit of a failure even though I said to myself that if I couldn't breastfeed, I wouldn't beat myself up. I just want to give JBB the best in life. I am going to keep trying to breastfeed as much as possible and try to get more of a supply going so that he will not go hungry.

I have another maternal health nurse appointment tomorrow. I can definitely see that he has grown and put on weight over the past 2 weeks so I think it will be good tomorrow.

I'm Ready....

Holy cow, it is only 9 days until we go to Thailand!! I am feeling that it is a little surreal at the moment, kind of in a holding pattern because everything is pretty much organized. The house is also feeling really like a home, more than it has in the 3 years that we have lived here. Most of the house has been spring cleaned and everything has a place that it lives and I have now put up pictures and photo’s and prints. I have gotten some cushions for the couch and just really organized everything. Every time I walk through the door I smile and it has really become a nice haven.

We do have a big problem with our courtyard, it is a total jungle out there but thankfully JourneyMan finishes work this Wednesday so he has a week to do a bit of work out there to whip it into shape. Basically it is just some weeding and stuff, hopefully I will be pregnant next year and won’t have to divert all our money for another cycle so we can spend a little bit of money getting a deck for the back yard and a new kitchen – then the house will be perfecto!

I think that the overriding feeling that I do have is that I am ready now. The house is almost ready, JourneyMan and I are at a good place in our relationship, we are both going well in our jobs, we are ready. It’s time for our baby to come now. Now, I have thought that before but I do feel it right to my heart right now.

It has been a really good weekend. I had my Mum and sister and two of her boys over on Friday for lunch. My sister brought around a gorgeous cot and a big bag of baby clothes that we could have. When she first told me that she could bring all the stuff around (after I let her know that we had gotten the room ready for the baby), I freaked out a bit. I wasn’t sure that it was a good idea to have all of the stuff in the house, I mean what if the cycle in Thailand is negative. Over time though, I have decided that regardless of how, we are going to have a baby so the room will be beautiful.

So when she brought over the cot and the clothes, I was quite excited and happy to put them in the room. I showed JourneyMan when he got home from work and then it was his turn to freak out a bit. He has recovered over the weekend and we even went to the shops today and got some stickers to decorate the room. The room now cannot be mistaken for anything else but a baby’s room – it makes me smile every time I go in there.

I have even posted some photo’s for you all!

Hope you like them. It is really countdown time now! In other news, I am continuing with the Progynova (estradiol) 3 times a day and there haven't been too many side affects apart from wicked bloating and a number of headaches. I have also started the Clexane (blood thinner) injections - have been doing them since we left for Perth and forgot to tell you. You know, they are definitely not as bad as I remembered - I guess one of the perks of doing IVF is how used to injections that I have gotten!

Anyway, that is all the news for right now. We are off into our last full week before we head off, I am SOOOO excited!!