Wednesday, March 6, 2013
You're not my mother.....
During the first year of JBB’s life, I was terrified that one day when JBB was growing up that he would yell at me ‘You’re not my mother’. As time has gone on the fear has left me about this. Being a donor Mum brings some special issues to play and this has been one for me.
When we went for the fresh cycle for Boo2 in October 2011, we met the donor again. It was a wonderful experience. I didn’t know if I would recognise her because we had only met her once 2 years before but when she walked towards me, I saw so much of JBB in her, it was ridiculous to think that I wouldn’t recognise her. We embraced and the feeling of gratitude that I had to this woman overwhelmed me. When we sat down and she asked to hold JBB, I held my breath and questions ran non stop through my mind. Would he have an instant connection to her because of the biological link? Would he prefer her to me? Would she want to take him? The answer to all these questions were no. He played nicely with her and then wanted to come back to me. She loved him obviously did not consider that she was his mother (only the amazing women who helped bring him into the world). That made me surer of myself.
When JBB got sick and was in hospital, I didn’t worry that I was his Mother anymore. I was the one he wanted comfort from, I was the one who stayed up with him all night, I was the one who held him while the put the drip in and gave him treatments, I was the one who was so terrified that he would be taken away or his life changed forever. At this point I realised that really, there was no-one else to lay claim to be his mother.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting with JBB and we were talking about how bubby Boo2 is in my tummy and was kicking me. I showed him what it felt like on his tummy and he laughed. He wants to talk about Bubby Boo2 all the time at the moment and yesterday he asked if he could go in to my tummy to see Bubby Boo2. What a cutie. I also told him about how he used to be connected to me from his belly button – I don’t think he quite got the concept but he was fascinated. It also brought home to me the fact that I carried him in my body, he was connected to me, he still is and always will be.
After all this time, I am now not worried if one day JBB or Boo2 shout at me ‘you are not my mother’ because I know deep down into my bones, I am most certainly their mother. I think what I was more afraid of was my reaction to this occurring because I didn’t know if I could handle it. I am sure that it would hurt if they say something like that to me but I know I can handle it. I am their mother. I am happy to help them meet the donor in the future if that’s what they decide, I will do anything that will help them to know who they are and how they came into this world. All I want for them in their lives is health and happiness. My love for them has absolutely no bounds, they are the light of my lives. After 6 years of struggle, pushing, grief and amazing, unadulterated happiness and joy – I am what I wanted to be. A mother.