Once again, there has been an online argument within the Facebook 'parenting after IVF' group that I am still a part of. I don't post anymore but I can't seem to pull myself out of reading what is happening on there. I have been very much tempted to post my concerns about the two vessel cord (which continues to prey on my mind) but I am also afraid that they might turn on me. Sad but true.
Anyway, the argument started about whether dropping your child off at day care and them crying for you and controlled crying are equivalent. As you can imagine, people got very passionate about it. There were mothers who believed whole heartedly in controlled crying and there were some that accused these mothers of not nurturing their child. There were mothers who wholeheartedly believed that the best thing for their baby was to be with them 24/7 and there were those who accused these mothers of smothering their children. There were pregnant mothers who wholeheartedly believed that they would never let their child have any anguish and those that accused them of not knowing what they were talking about because they are not mothers yet.
My opinion? I don't really go in for the terms 'attachment parenting', 'Tiger Mum's' or whatever. I believe in parenting the child that is in front of you. Of course, all of the different techniques work with different children because all of the children are different. I never really wanted my child to 'cry it out' but in desperation for sleep, I tried it and hated it. That's not to say that it doesn't work, I am sure that it works for some kids and parents. When I was pregnant, I tried my best to have as few expectations of what it will be like to be a parent and what I would and wouldn't do because I had seen so many different children with completely different personalities and they all required different parenting styles.
I am fully prepared that Boo2 will be a completely different child from JBB and may need a completely different parenting style. How I go about finding what that style is - try everything until something works, research the hell out of everything and talk to everyone I know to see what their idea's are. That's just how I am but I don't expect anyone else to be that way, I expect them to be whoever they are. I also don't expect to be told what I 'should' be doing with JBB from people who rarely see him but are 'qualified' - i.e. maternal health nurses (I see their advice as a guideline only) and well meaning family and friends. I am happy to listen to your comments and advice but I reserve the right to discard it if I don't believe that it will work.
The main thing that I don't understand is why is there the need to attack other people's parenting styles? I mean, as long as you are not abusing your child in any way, I am sure are doing the best thing that you can. Isn't that what we are all doing? The best we can? I am sure not a perfect parent, I have done many things that I wish I hadn't but most of the time, I am very proud of the mother that I am to JBB and I am super excited about being whatever mother that Boo2 needs.
I wish for a world in which we are more tolerant of each other's differences. Cheesy, I know but that is what I wish.
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For the most part, I think people (children and adults) brag and/or attack other people because they are insecure. People who are secure in their beliefs and choices don't feel the need to boast or defend them. When I can keep this in mind, I am more tolerant. (But I can't always remember this theory and then people frustrate me a lot more!)
ReplyDeleteYou are totally right about the "different" part - parents are different and children are different. One mummy in our antenatal group was totally committed to a very strict regime for her child and would hint, not so subtly, that any of the rest of us that had any issues with our babies were just "doing it wrong". However, she had a super-easy conception, pregnancy and birth, no post-natal complications and a baby that didn't have colic for 5 months and reflux till it was 1! I wish women wouldn't sabotage each other in the way they do.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could read those conversations. They would get me too worked up. Its like the news to me. I can't read or watch certain news stories because I don't like the way they get me worked up.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why some people get their jollies by tearing other people down. Why they get such pleasure out of taking the effort to post rude remarks on blogs or FB posts. I think it is really sad and pathetic.
All of that aside, I agree with your parenting style, and I do the same. I do the best I can with what I have, and I give myself to grace to realize that I make mistakes. I listen to advice, I read up on parenting issues, but at the end of the day, I do what is best by my child.
One thing I can say about #2 for us, is that things will be done differently out of necessity because circumstances in our house are different now than they were 4 years ago. Sure, I will try the things that worked for Little Bean first, but I will also try everything else if the first fails.
You are an awesome mom, no two ways about it. You do what you think is right and best, and that is all anyone can ask.