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Thursday, March 29, 2012

Getting up off the mat....

So, I have spent the last few months feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that JBB got sick, sorry that my Dad has melanoma, sorry that the past two cycles have been negative, sorry that I am so tired, sorry that fertility treatments has meant that we can't buy a bigger house.

It has taken me awhile but I once again realise how lucky I am. Lucky that I have had so many quality years with my Dad. The past few years have been tough but we had a great childhood. Especially for the fact that my Dad worked from home, he was always a very visible presence in our lives. I am lucky that he got to walk me down the aisle, 12 months after that, he was barely able to walk. I am lucky that he has met our darling JBB - they have a touching relationship and really, he is probably closest to JBB of all his grandchildren (5 others). I think that this is because he basically is a captive audience when JBB is around there.

I realise that we are very lucky that we caught JBB's Kawasaki disease in time and were able to get him treatment before his heart was damaged. We are lucky that we have an excellent GP. We are lucky that we have a wonderful children's hospital in our city. We are lucky to still have him happy and healthy in our lives. Still, the fear of something happening to him has been slow to leave me but even that has been helpful, we are eating better, exercising and going outdoors more and reiterated how important this little cheeky is to us. On Sunday, as a family, we are doing a '5km fun walk' (Run for the Kids) that raises money for the hospital that JBB was in - we are so thankful for their great care of JBB.

I'm sorry that the past two cycles have been negative but I am starting to pick myself up from there. I have struggled to find where we are lucky in this but I think our luck comes in the form that we are lucky that we can afford the cycles, very many would not be able to have a family because of the costs involved in these type of cycles. I am also thankful that it has made me critically look at the reasons that I was doing these cycles. I had never bothered previously to imagine a second child's face but since I found the elephant key rings and started to focus - I can see the baby everywhere, she is beautiful and I tell her 'hold on, sweetie, mummy is coming for you'.

As I say, it has been a hard few months but I am finally getting myself up off the mat. There are some things that have inspired me to (apart from JBB who brings smiles and happiness to every day!). Recently, a great Australian Rules footballer, Jim Stynes died. His death has touched me profoundly because his life was amazingly inspirational. He was the type of person that I would like to be. He was a successful footballer but an even more successful person. He started a foundation to help improve children's self esteem. He had a beautiful relationship with his wife and they have two lovely children. He was loved by our town, our country and his own country of Ireland. There was a documentary that was made after he had been diagnosed with cancer and it detailed the alternative therapies that he used to try to fight against the cancer - some of which were pretty full on and it reminded me of my exhaustive search to leave no stone unturned - it made me think that I am like him in some small way. He had a motto 'whatever it takes' and I have adopted that for myself at the moment. That was what I was like when trying for JBB and I need to bring back that tenaciousness, which I am starting to do.

I also read this post by Silver at Hope for the Best. It was all about finding five good things in her life which made me consider five good things in mine - here they are:

1. My beautiful family - JourneyMan, JBB and JourneyDog O Wool

2. My supportive family - Mum, Dad, sisters, brothers, aunty, good in-laws

3. The best best friend in the world - noone could be more supportive

4. My job and JourneyMan's job cos it allows us to save up for cycles (plus hopefully JourneyMan will qualify for a trip to Hawaii as a reward for exceeding his targets - oh yeah and JBB and I get to go as well - whoo hooo, a holiday with no cycle, yayers!)

5. Our house that has been renovated and despite the fact it is pretty small, it is comfortable

Thanks, Silver for such an inspirational idea - I like it very much.

Okay, so I have rambled on for long enough - long story short, I am getting my positivity back - yay!


  1. Thank you! I'm glad you're feeling better :-). You're right - you (and I) have a lot of good things and a lot to be thankful for. I think the important thing is the balance - allowing yourself to feel and grieve the bad stuff but to be able to find enough good stuff to keep you going. There's no doubting that your dad's illness is a tough thing to deal with - having been on the outskirts of that experience myself - and noone in the world could argue with your right to feel mad, sad and bad about that.

  2. Isn't it great when you finally get to that point? Its hard getting there, but when you realize you've finally had enough, it feels get to pull yourself back up and find all of the good in life. That is where I was last May after our vacation. I was tired of feeling trodden on and thinking my life was hard/horrible because we weren't getting pregnant again. It took some doing, but I finally overcame all of those feelings, and life has been a lot better since. I still have down days, but they are far and few between. Thank heaven.

    Good for you for pulling yourself back up. Its great to hear you feeling good about things. :)